Conflict of Interest

by Jae

  "I admit it has been a while since I've been invited to a wedding, but did they change the vows in the meantime?" Aiden asked.

  "Change the vows?"

  "Yeah." Aiden tapped Dawn's foot with her big toe. "You seem to know a different version than I do. In my version there's something mentioned about 'in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad, till death do us part.' I don't remember a 'for as long as you don't get migraines and provide me with daily toe-curling sex.'"

  Hot tears burned behind Dawn's eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Her voice was rough with emotion, "Now, did you just propose to me?"

  Aiden shrugged. "Well, that depends."

  "On?"

  "On whether or not you'd say yes."

  It was obvious to Dawn that Aiden was trying to sound casual as if she was just teasing, but the look in her eyes spoke another language – she was unsure about what Dawn's answer would be. Dawn wasn't. In all her life, she had never wanted to say "yes" to anything with such intensity. But still... "What about...?"

  "What?"

  "Well, you know, marriage is traditionally followed by the wedding night." Dawn studied her over the rim of her glasses.

  Aiden shrugged. "I'm not in a rush. Sex is not important."

  "Aiden Carlisle, you're a terrible liar." They had never talked about their attitudes toward sex before, but Dawn knew that Aiden had been no wallflower. Her good looks in combination with her commanding presence and the leather jacket had to be a chick magnet. A passionate woman like Aiden wasn't used to living a celibate life. "Of course sex is important in a new relationship. It's a nonverbal expression of our caring for each other."

  "Okay, it may be important, but it's not the most important thing in our relationship," Aiden said. "I've had enough one-night stands and short-term flings in my life to know that a mature relationship is not about jumping into bed."

  This was getting really interesting. Aiden Carlisle's philosophy about relationships – she had to hear this. "What's it about, then?"

  "Ah, you know..."

  "Tell me."

  Aiden shrugged away her embarrassment. "It's about the little things," she said, echoing something that Dawn had once told her about her relationship with Maggie. The gallery owner hadn't shared her love for the simple things in life. "It's about volunteering to take out the trash on a freezing cold evening. It's about figuring out how to pay the mortgage when money is tight. It's about holding you close after we fight. It's about caring, respect, and yes, even passion – when the time and the place are right for both of us. There's no hurry. I'm not going anywhere."

  Dawn blinked. "Wow," she said, overwhelmed by emotion. "I didn't know you were such a poet."

  "I'm not." Short hair tickled Dawn's cheek when Aiden shook her head. "It's just that I let sex cloud my judgment before, and it always ended up hurting the relationship, so I think a little restraint might actually be a good thing."

  More self-restraint? Dawn doubted that it was what Aiden really needed. With a sigh, she repositioned her pillow and settled down. She turned off the light, closed her eyes, and listened to Aiden's breathing, hoping that it would lull her into a nightmareless sleep.

  "Dawn?"

  She opened her eyes. "Hmm?"

  "Do you want me to put you down on the 'notify in case of emergency' form?" Aiden asked.

  There was no doubt in Dawn's mind. "Yes – if it's not going to get you into trouble with anyone in the precinct."

  "Trouble?"

  "Yeah. It's a pretty big announcement of our relationship, and I'd understand if you –"

  Aiden laughed. "Dawn, I think by now even the precinct's cleaning lady knows that I'm involved with a woman. Cops are the worst gossips in the world, present company excluded, of course."

  "Of course. In that case, yes, I'd like for you to put me down on the 'notify in case of emergency' form. I want to be as fully involved in your life as possible." In the gentle glow of the night-light Aiden had left on for her, Dawn studied the woman with whom she was in bed.

  Intense amber eyes looked steadily back at her. "I want that, too."

  Dawn watched Aiden's eyelids droop, and she pressed a kiss to her palm. "Let's get some sleep now. We can talk more about this tomorrow."

  Aiden nodded and suppressed a yawn.

  "Goodnight, Aiden." Dawn leaned over and kissed Aiden's cheek. "And thanks for participating in this little sensitive chat."

  "Anytime... well, maybe not anytime, but I'll work on it." Aiden touched Dawn's hand one final time before she retreated to her side of the bed. "Night, Dawn."

  * * *

  Aiden was on sick leave for the rest of the week, but someone had apparently forgotten to inform her body of that fact. She woke five minutes before her alarm clock would have normally announced the start of a new day. Careful not to rock the mattress too much, she turned to look at her companion.

  Dawn was still asleep, lying in a position that reminded Aiden of Dawn's cat – rolled into a ball, with her head resting more on her arm than on the pillow. The honey-blond lashes of the one eye that Aiden could see fluttered sometimes in her sleep but didn't open. Her nose twitched once, perfecting the feline image she presented.

  God, how cute is that? Aiden smiled down at the woman in her bed.

  Despite the tossing and turning Dawn had done when she had first slipped under the covers, she hadn't moved from her position near the edge of the bed all night. Either she was not a restless sleeper, or she hadn't really relaxed, uncomfortable with Aiden's physical presence so near. Aiden hoped it was the former.

  She settled down on her side to watch the sleeping woman. Being tempted to stay in bed a little longer just because she wanted to be near her bed partner was a new and unfamiliar feeling. Normally, Aiden couldn't grab her clothes and run away from her one-night stands fast enough. Even in her longer relationships, she had never been a cuddler, uncomfortable with someone encroaching on her personal space. Now she wanted to draw Dawn into her arms, breathe in her scent, and kiss the soft skin of her neck until the gray-green eyes opened. Ironically, Dawn was the one woman with whom she couldn't do that.

  Aiden inched out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. Wrestling the sleep-shirt over her head without the help of her protesting muscles made her feel like a contortionist. Tight tops were taboo for the foreseeable future, she decided when she stepped under the shower. Being able to dress on her own was more important than trying to impress Dawn.

  Dawn was still asleep when she returned to the bedroom. Briskly rubbing at her hair with a towel, Aiden tiptoed to the dresser where she had left her watch. "Ow!" Pain shot through the not yet healed laceration on the back of her head. She had forgotten about the wound – until she had pressed the towel against it. "Shit!"

  A crash from the bed made Aiden forget her pain. Dawn sat up, rubbing her own head that she had bumped against the headboard. She stared at Aiden with wide, panicked eyes for a second before she recognized where and with whom she was.

  "Sorry." Aiden threw the towel across her shoulder and knelt on the bed. "I didn't want to wake you." Or scare you.

  Dawn took a few deep breaths and forced a smile. "It's okay. I would have had to wake up anyway to eat the delicious breakfast you'll make me."

  Aiden sat down next to Dawn and stuck her bare feet under the covers. "Does 'Casa Carlisle' look like a bed-and-breakfast to you? What makes you think I'm gonna cook you breakfast?" She teasingly touched her cold feet to Dawn's warm ones.

  "It's only breakfast – not much cooking involved," Dawn said. She paused to tuck a few damp strands from Aiden's forehead. "I'm sure a gentlewoman like you would never think of letting her guest leave without breakfast after spending the night with her, would you?"

  "I don't know..." Aiden leaned back, resting her head next to Dawn's. "Seeing as how I'm gravely injured, I thought I'd let you make breakfast for me."

  Dawn snorted. "Gravely injured? Didn't you tell me it was just a scratch?
But if you insist on having a grave injury, I can help you with that." Raising herself up on her knees, Dawn grabbed a pillow and drew back her arm.

  "You wouldn't...!"

  "Oh, you think so?" Dawn purred. She raised the pillow even higher.

  Aiden wriggled back until the headboard stopped her retreat. "You wouldn't dare."

  That had been the wrong thing to say. The pillow hit her on her uninjured shoulder.

  "Hey!"

  Dawn grinned and hit her again.

  Aiden directed her most threatening glare at Dawn – without much success. The pillow thumped against her stomach. "Don't force me to –"

  "To do what, hmm, Detective?" One corner of the pillow poked Aiden in her chin. "You going to cuff me and read me my rights?" Dawn's eyes twinkled, the challenge in them clear.

  Aiden sighed. Dawn wanted to play – and she couldn't. With Ray or one of her male colleagues, she would have grabbed the second pillow and hit him left and right until he begged for mercy. But in her interaction with women – and especially this woman – she was too conscious of her own strength, too afraid that she would slip and lose control. She was very aware of Dawn's body that was pressed against her own in a gesture of playful intimidation. The too big Dori-and-Nemo shirt had slipped off her shoulder on one side, and Aiden could feel the heat radiating off the exposed pale skin. A few freckles tempted her to kiss them.

  Gritting her teeth, Aiden held back. She couldn't afford to be playfully aggressive toward Dawn, fearing that roughhousing would ignite her passion and turn into something that would scare Dawn. "I think I'll go and try my hand at making breakfast." She scrambled from the bed.

  * * *

  Dawn's hands folded the towel that Aiden had lost, while her mind was busy wondering about her hasty retreat. What's wrong now? She buried her face in the terry cloth and inhaled Aiden's comforting scent. Something had upset Aiden, but she had not the slightest idea what. After their sensitive chat last night, Aiden had once again retreated behind her gold shield and the emotional barriers that came with it.

  It wasn't that Aiden was cold and distant, quite the opposite – she was doing well enough as long as it were Dawn's fears, Dawn's emotions, and Dawn's problems they were dealing with. That was her job after all – serving and protecting others. As a detective, Aiden was confident and strong, but Dawn knew that hiding behind the gold shield was just as much vulnerability as anyone else had – probably even more.

  Now that she was alone in bed, the warm nest around Dawn had lost its appeal. With a sigh, she swung her legs out of bed, slipped into her jeans, and padded to the kitchen.

  Aiden stood in front of the stove, her back to Dawn, and she took a moment to take in her form. One lean hip was resting against the counter, and the sleeves of her blouse had been pushed up as was her habit, revealing strong forearms. Dawn found her incredibly sexy in her old, worn jeans. For the first time since the rape, she felt an almost physical pull of attraction and was surprised by its strength.

  Without allowing herself time to analyze her actions, Dawn crossed the room and hooked her finger into the back pockets of Aiden's jeans to tug her closer. When Aiden resisted, she wrapped both arms around her waist. Her hands brushed away the open blouse and slipped under the T-shirt to feel Aiden's skin. The taut muscles under her hands were vibrating with tension. "What's going on?" Dawn asked.

  Aiden tried to step away again. "Just waiting for the water to boil. You want tea, right?"

  "Later." Dawn reached around her to turn off the stove.

  Aiden turned around in Dawn's arms that still held her captive. She said nothing.

  "Do we have to have the same conversation over and over again? Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship, Aiden, and I can't do this if you don't trust me and –"

  "I do trust you."

  Dawn looked down at her hands that rested on Aiden's hips, and then her gaze wandered to Aiden's arms. They were hanging down like unmovable statues, making no attempt to hug back. Suddenly, Dawn understood. It wasn't her that Aiden didn't trust. She didn't trust herself. Aiden had been holding back and fighting against Dawn's attempts to get her to give up the tight restraint under which she held herself. All the times when Aiden had refused to start a snowball fight with her now made sense.

  Police work, by its very nature, called for a vast amount of self-restraint. Aiden – and every other cop – had to control herself not to "accidentally" choke a confession from a lying child molester and not to shout at a smirking killer who walked out of court as a free man because witnesses were too intimidated to testify. She cautiously channeled her emotions and passions into her job and controlled them twenty-four/seven. She rarely allowed herself to let loose, not even a bit, because in her world, there was just black or white, good or bad, control or violence.

  "Tell me why you're holding back." Dawn caressed tiny circles on Aiden's bare forearms. The touch made both of them shiver.

  For a few seconds, Aiden looked as if she wanted to deny it, change the topic, or make a joke out of it, but then Dawn felt her sigh, and the shoulders in her grip slumped. "I have to," Aiden whispered.

  "Why? Did I –"

  "No," Aiden said. "This is not about you. It's my problem and my problem alone. You don't have to concern yourself with it."

  Dawn held her gaze. She refused to back off. "You were the one that quoted 'through the good times and the bad' to me, remember? There's no such thing as 'your' problem. What are you so afraid of?"

  With gentle hands, Aiden broke the embrace and moved back a step. Her amber eyes looked haunted. "There are times when I'm not sure if I'm the right one for you. I don't want you to get hurt."

  Dawn had to grip the counter for balance. Did Aiden think about ending their relationship? "Aiden, if you invest all your emotions in a relationship and really, really care for another person, you're gonna get hurt sometimes. That's normal."

  Aiden shook her head. "I'm not talking about hurting because we fight about your habit of squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end or because I cancel a date to work overtime."

  "What kind of hurt are you talking about, then?"

  Aiden rubbed her neck, a sign that Dawn had learned meant that emotions were swirling just beneath the surface. Her voice was hollow when she finally said, "A rape victim and a woman conceived by rape... do you really think that's a healthy relationship, Doctor?"

  Dawn tightened her already white-knuckled grip around the edge of the counter. "It's going to be as healthy as we make it. Just because we're victims of –"

  "I'm not a victim!"

  Dawn stopped to look at her. "Yes, you are," she said. "You're a victim of rape, too – even if you haven't been raped."

  Eyeing the front door, Aiden began to pace. "I investigate sex crimes for a living and, yes, my mother was raped, but I'm not a victim of anything." Her voice was like grinding gravel.

  "Oh, you're not?" She blocked Aiden's pacing route and forced her to look into her eyes. "Then why do you have all the typical symptoms, hmm? Guilt, self-blame, anger, shame, fear..." She ticked each word off on her fingers. "...it's all there."

  "Bullshit!" Aiden's body trembled, and her hands were clenched into fists.

  Dawn continued nonetheless. She knew she had to get through to Aiden now, or she would repeat the same conversation, the same fight about Aiden's reluctance to let her close over and over and over again. "You feel guilty because of what your mother had to go through. You blame yourself for something that you had no control over. You're angry and full of hate against the man who raped your mother. You're ashamed of the way you were conceived. You live in constant fear that you could turn out like your father and hurt other people." Each sentence was like a slap in Aiden's face and made her flinch, but she couldn't stop. "And now tell me, Detective, doesn't that sound like a textbook victim?"

  Aiden squeezed her eyes shut. The trembling became a swaying.

  Dawn rushed forward and wrapped her arms around he
r, squeezing until she felt Aiden wince. "I know you would never hurt me purposely. You couldn't," she whispered in her ear.

  The body in her arms was stiff. "How could I not?" The words tumbled roughly from Aiden's lips. "I was conceived in violence. Violence is the sole reason why I even exist."

  "No!" She gripped Aiden's face in both hands and directed her head back. "Look at me and listen. If there is a single reason for your existence, it's love." Dawn realized that they were both deeply afraid – she because of what had happened to her, Aiden because of who she was – or who she feared she might become.

  "Love?" Aiden's snort sounded almost like a sob.

  "Love," Dawn repeated with unshakable conviction. "If your mother hadn't loved and wanted you, she would have taken the morning-after pill or had an abortion. She was a strong and caring woman – and so are you. You're nothing like the man who fathered you."