Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

  Chapter Eleven

  Helen had been by her father’s side for the last two weeks. When August came around and he wasn’t improving, she began to worry more. The doctors said it could take a while, or there was a chance it may never improve. It was just going to be up to God at that point. They did all they could with medication and therapy. Some days were better than others, but the days he would forget things broke her heart. She tried to stay strong and confident that things would work out and he’d recover. But in the nights she’d find herself crying alone. Tyson was being so supportive and helping her in any way he could, but there were only so many comforting words he could offer. The nurses would come by the house every day, and the days she didn’t stay, the nurse would. They were all working together in helping him. The only bright spot was his leg had gotten better and he was able to have most of its use back, the cane no longer needed.

  As he slept, she sat by his side and ran a finger through his snow-white hair. Removing his glasses and placing them on the side table, she took his hand into hers and pressed it against her forehead. Her father had always been such a strong man, nothing could bring him down. Now here he was, some days just a shadow of the man he once was. Over the last two weeks Tyson and Helen had talked a lot about her father’s condition and the future and both decided that if he worsened he’d have to live with them, or go to a home for round-the-clock treatment. She was against sending him to a home, until Tyson explained the strain it would be to care for him daily. He promised her he’d make sure he received the finest care around, and it would be close to their home so she could resume working and see him every day if she wished. They agreed to cross that bridge when they got to it, and wait to see what would happen.

  “Anne…Anne?” He mumbled in his sleep as she held his hand. Soon he was back sound asleep and she felt somewhat better that he was dreaming of her mother. Maybe it would bring him a peaceful slumber. Joseph continued to dream as he slept, Helen watching over him.

  ~1969~

  Anne looked at Joseph as he spoke to her and her face fell, tears filling her eyes as she choked out a response. “I can’t believe this happened. How does that happen Joseph? How!” Anne cried as she gripped his shirt, he pulled her into him and she sobbed into his shoulder. He rubbed her back soothingly then sighed while he held her close to him. What was he supposed to say? How could he explain it to her, Anne had always been the optimistic one of the family. If he told her the truth, she would scold him for his decision.

  “I know, Anne. I know. We have to tell her. We have to be there for her,” he suggested as he held her in a tight embrace. Placing his chin on the top of her head as she cried, he felt the tears forming in his own eyes. Closing them, he thought about the sweet little girl he had taken to the nursery a few hours ago, blocking out what happened after that. He didn’t want to think about it.

  “Oh Joseph…” she said as she sobbed harder. He clenched his jaw and tried to be strong, guilt beginning to override him as the nurse, Evelyn, passed them in the hall and gave him a face of sadness. He kept telling himself he’d done the right thing, he did it for his daughter. Fate had intervened anyway and everything happened the way it was meant to. He continued to tell himself that even though he felt guilty for having a hand in it. He didn’t expect it to happen as it did, but right now all he could do was try to move forward. The loss was still painful.

  “Let’s go in and talk to her. She’ll be wondering where we are.” Anne shook her head and looked up with red eyes, puffy cheeks and tears streaming down her face.

  “I can’t...I just can’t,” she said before lowering her head and walking off to the solarium down the hall. He dropped his hands to his side and stood in the hallway of the maternity floor. Something awful had happened and he was now stuck with breaking the news to his daughter. Dr. Parker passed him in the hall and turned to face him.

  “Have you told her yet?”

  “Not yet…I was just about to.”

  “Would you like me to break the news, make it more official sounding?”

  Joseph shook his head, “No, no she needs to hear it from me. Anne’s already distraught about it.”

  They were interrupted by Elijah. He looked between the doctor and his father, furrowing his brow. “Hey, Dad, everything okay? How’s Helen and the baby? Mom said she had a girl. I guess I have a niece, don’t I?” he asked with a proud smile. The doctor placed a hand on Joseph’s shoulder and gave a sympathetic smile before leaving Elijah alone with his father. “Dad, what’s going on?”

  Joseph turned his attention back to Elijah and shook his head. “It’s not good.” After he finished telling the story to Elijah, he watched his reaction. Elijah ran a hand through his hair and blew out a breath.

  “Does Helen know yet?”

  “Not yet, I’m about to go tell her. All the paperwork is complete, I just signed off on it.”

  “I can’t…I mean how? She was so…this is just unexpected, Dad. She’s going to be crushed.”

  “I know, I know, son. We’re just going to have to be there for her and I know you will. She looks up to you, I need you to keep her focused on her education and her future.”

  Elijah nodded, “Of course. I’ll do anything I can for her. Where’s Mom?”

  “Solarium. I just told her and she didn’t take it so well. Will you check on her while I go in and talk to Helen alone?”

  “Yeah, sure. Let Helen know I’m here if she needs. I’ll go talk to Mom.” He hugged his father and Joseph knew he was putting on a brave face. Even he could hear the crack in Elijah’s voice as he spoke. They were all hurting, but the one who would be most affected would be Helen. As he was left alone in the hallway, he looked into the room where Helen lay in bed on the phone, probably with Lorraine or Mrs. Cole, Thomas’ mother. He leaned against the wall and tried to get his thoughts together, how he would explain it.

  Joseph blinked his eyes opened and turned to face Helen. He looked down at her hand holding his. “Anne? Anne. I-I have to tell Helen before it’s too late. I have to tell her the truth. I have to tell you both what happened.”

  “Daddy, what do you mean? I’m Helen. Hey, look at me, it’s Helen. What do you have to tell me?” He looked around the room with a confused look as he blinked hard and turned back to face Helen.

  “I-I was…” He shook his head at the thought and brought his brows together in confusion, his hand reaching up to grab his head as he closed his eyes. “Will you get me my medicine please?” he asked softly and opened his eyes staring in front of him. Helen nodded and stood, making her way out of the room to gather his medicine as he sat on his bed and looked down remembering his dream. He was slightly confused at the hands he looked at. They were old and worn, his loose skin around his bones and his veins easy to see with his almost see-through skin. No calluses or scars, they were hands of a lawyer, a business man, a man with a secret.

  Helen entered the room and gave him the pills so he took them and drank a few swallows of water before lying back against the pillows in a sitting position. The room was quiet for a while until Helen asked if he was comfortable, or if he’d like to move to another room.

  “I’m fine. I-I just had a dream.”

  “About Mom?” He looked at her confused. “I heard you call her name and that is why I ask.”

  “Oh. Yeah, about your mother. Helen I need to—” he was interrupted by the nurse coming in to say it was time for some therapy to help his mind. He grumbled and started to get up. Helen stood and helped him from the bed.

  She watched as he went into the living room with the nurse, leaning against the door frame, she tried to make sense out of what he was trying to say to her. Something was off about him and he was struggling with something that he wouldn’t tell her. It was eating him inside; she saw the conflict in his eyes.

  “What year were you born?”

  “1926.”

  “What year is it now?” He thought for a moment.

  “2002.” />
  “What day is it today?”

  “Tuesday. No. No. Thursday.”

  “What month are we in?”

  “What month? August?” He said almost uncertainly. The nurse nodded as Helen stepped outside to let them go over the mental exercise questions they did every day at the same time. Some days he knew every answer and it seemed there was nothing wrong, other days he couldn’t answer the simplest of questions. As she took a seat on the outside stairs and looked at the sky, it was an overcast day and looked like it might rain later. Placing her head in her hands and sighing heavily, she wished that her father would just get better. What was he trying to say to her? It still bothered her, wondering what it was.

  Later that night when she left to go home, he kissed her and said he’d see her the next day. She promised she’d be there and went on her way, waving goodbye to the nurse who was staying with him. Home care was expensive. He could afford it of course, but she wondered if a nursing home with twenty-four hour care would benefit him more. She was stuck on making a decision. With a full three weeks of therapy and medicine nothing had changed for either the good or bad. No progress but it no improvement either.

  Dinner was spent talking about her day with her father and Tyson’s day at the office seeing patients. Nothing was new in their life, until she was placing the dishes in the sink and heard a knock at the door. Looking in the peephole, she saw Brent and Abigail standing on the porch with the kids. A smile brightened her mood as she opened the door.

  “Hey! What are you all doing here so late?”

  “We were supposed to be here for dinner to surprise you, but I got held up at work. Sorry, Mom.”

  “Aww, Brent. Come in, come in,” she said as she ushered them inside. Jaxon ran inside to Tyson as he came from his office. Abigail carried Olivia in her arms as Brent held a hand on the small of his wife’s back, following them in. Helen closed the door behind them and smiled as she followed behind them into the family room. They each took a seat as Abigail turned to Helen and offered her Olivia to hold. Helen smiled brightly and extended her empty arms to take the baby. As Abigail placed Olivia into Helen’s arms, she smiled down at the infant. Olivia had the most beautiful blue eyes and brown hair she’d ever seen. She had her mother’s eyes and her father’s hair, the best mix of both. Helen cooed to her granddaughter as she swayed back and forth until she found her seat. They all began to talk about what was happening as she smiled down and rocked Olivia.

  “How’s Grandpa doing, Mom?” Brent asked as he sat on the couch, draping an arm around Abby’s shoulders. Helen looked up and her smile seemed to slowly fade.

  “He’s…trying. It just hasn’t gotten any better. Or any worse. It’s basically at a standstill right now.”

  “You think he’ll ever recover?”

  “I can only hope. The medication and therapy can only do so much; there is no way to tell if it will work for sure unless there are improvements, and everything has been about the same.” They all became quiet. There was nothing really to say.

  “Do you think he’d like it if we went over with the kids?”

  Helen thought for a moment. “It couldn’t hurt, but he can get irate at the drop of a hat, so be prepared for what could happen.”

  Brent nodded, “I understand Mom. I just know he’s struggling. Last time Abby and I went over, he didn’t recognize me much. We left the kids with Abby’s sister and spent the day with him. But then he’d be normal. It was hard seeing him like that.”

  She knew all too well what he meant and it pained her deeply to see her father having to go through this. The conversation turned to Olivia and the things she was doing, her schedules, how they were enjoying parenthood again and their plans for enrolling Jaxon in school that August. Daycare was what it actually was since he was only three, but Abby would be going back to work soon so both children needed to be enrolled. The daycare she always used was so good with the kids. Jaxon had learned so much before he turned two years old.

  “Your father was telling me that you were planning a vacation soon. Where have you decided to go?”

  “Oh, we haven’t been able to pinpoint one place in particular.”

  “I say Hawaii,” Abby chimed in with a smile.

  “She says Hawaii, I say Canada. I like the cold.” Abby rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband.

  Tyson and Helen chuckled at their playful banter. Olivia was asleep in Helen’s arms as she rocked her, running a finger softly down the bridge of her nose as she slept with her mouth slightly open.

  “She’s absolutely beautiful,” Helen said as she looked down at the sleeping infant. She was in heaven holding someone so small. She missed Maggie being this little. It never got old, being a grand-mother. Her greatest gift and accomplishment was her children, until she had grandchildren and she knew she was completely blessed. Tyson continued to talk to the kids as Helen rocked Olivia and went into her own world. It was never this bad, her longing for the child she’d had so many years before her first son was born. It brought her back to the day in 1969 when her world crashed.

  ~1969~

  Once Helen was off of the phone, Joseph walked in and closed the door behind him. “Cupcake, I have something to tell you,” he said as he took a seat at the edge of her bed and grabbed her hand. He held it gently in his, caressing the top of her hand with his thumb. He appeared troubled and a bit sad. His face looked as if he’d been crying.

  “Where’s Mama?” she asked softly, furrowing her brows as she tried to gauge his reactions. Something had happened and her gut told her it wasn’t good.

  “She…she had to step out. Listen, I know this is gonna be hard for you, but you have to listen to me, okay?” She began to feel worried and afraid of what he was going to say.

  “Daddy…what is it?” she said as she sat up more in her bed. He continued to stay silent and looked down at her hand, inhaling slowly as he seemed to stall. “Daddy?”

  “Audrey…she…she didn’t make it, cupcake. I’m sorry,” he said before turning to face her with a tear falling from his eye. Her whole world felt as if it shattered into millions of pieces. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, her heart hurt so bad it felt like she was dying. Her stomach turned and she wanted to vomit. She shook her head no violently as tears sprung to her eyes.

  “Daddy? No! No. No. No. No. No. No, this…this can’t be happening. I just held her! Daddy, I just fed her last night. How? Why! No! Daddy, No!” she said as she began to cry so hard her body shook. Her voice cracked with the pleading that it couldn’t be. His arms wrapped around her and held her close to him. She fought against him weakly and prayed silently that she was dreaming, that she was just having an awful nightmare. Not her daughter, not the one thing she had left of their little family.

  She kept screaming “Why?” as she cried. First she’d lost Tommy in the war and now their only child together, the only piece of him she had, was gone? Her world was falling apart before her eyes as she sobbed into her father’s shirt, feeling broken and empty. Her baby girl, the one she’d held last night and fed a few hours ago? She’d be going home tomorrow, but now she was childless. How could something like this happen? God must be punishing her for getting pregnant out of wedlock. All she wanted was to die, too, to be with Tommy and Audrey. She didn’t want to live if they couldn’t. Everything was being taken from her and she felt so alone, so depressed. She started to breathe heavily as she cried harder, before pulling away from him and looking up with a face swollen from crying.

  “Daddy, how? Why did she die? What happened?”

  He touched her cheek and moved a strand of hair from her face as he took a breath in. “We don’t know, cupcake. The doctor thinks one of her lungs wasn’t fully formed and her heart wasn’t strong enough.” He wiped some of the tears from her face and shook his head. “It’s no one’s fault, things like this just happen. No one could have known. It’s a common birth defect, we just didn’t find out in time.” She fell back into his chest and continu
ed to cry as he held her and cried with her. Running a hand up and down her back as he tried to comfort Helen.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy…I just…I wanna die, too…”

  “Hey, hey…no, don’t say that. Thomas would not want you to talk that way. He would want you to make him and Audrey proud. He would want you to have your future, to finish school and get a degree. This is a sign, a blessing in disguise.”

  She jerked back and looked at him with narrowed eyes. “A...a blessing? My child dying is a blessing? How! How could you say that, Daddy?” She felt her heart lurch into her throat and anger filled her.

  “That’s not what I meant Helen and you know that.”

  “Just leave, just go. I want to be alone. Please.” She spat out as she pulled away from him and stood from the bed, walking to the other end of the room. She stayed there for the longest time, crying so much until her head hurt and her eyes were swollen. She couldn’t breathe and her heart was just completely broken.

  “Mom, we should get Olivia home to rest.” Helen looked up from the angelic face of Olivia and nodded, slowly standing as she handed her over to Abigail and watched her take her daughter into her arms. Helen smiled and rubbed Abigail’s arm, giving her a partial hug because she held the baby.

  “You take care of my little angel.”

  Abby smiled and nodded as she turned to hug her father-in-law while Brent gathered his mother in his arms and hugged her tight.

  “Mom, let me know if I can do anything for Grandpa or you. I can stay with him some nights if you need me to,” he said, then kissed her cheek.