Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

“I’m just saying my future is unclear. I have a kidney disorder called glomerulonephritis. I need a transplant and I’m on a waiting list as well as waiting on the results of tests on my friends and family to see if anyone is a match.” She looked down and shook her head. “There isn’t anything you can do.”

  Helen sucked in a hard breath, hearing her daughter’s turmoil and pain in the words she spoke. Helen was a stubborn woman and she didn’t give up easily.

  “I can get tested, too, that’s what I can do. I’m your blood, surely that matters.”

  Marissa looked up and shook her head fast. “No, no, I couldn’t ask…I couldn’t, you couldn’t do that, I just…we just…”

  “It’s my choice. Let me help you, let me be there for you now. I have so many years to make up for, I can’t let you go now…not when I just got you back.”

  Marissa covered her mouth and began to cry softly. Helen pulled her into her arms and held her tightly. Marissa sobbed onto Helen’s shoulder as she cried with her, releasing all the emotions of the day. That night they ate dinner together as a family, dedicated a toast to Evelyn and asked questions to get to know Marissa. Helen hoped she felt welcomed and loved as her sons asked Marissa questions about her life. She felt welcomed and loved as her brothers asked her questions about her life. Everyone had warmed up to each other after a while and Helen watched as Marissa laughed with her sons’ wives and Carlos talked to Brent and Tyson II. They seemed to all have something in common, conversation was plentiful. Tyson wrapped his arms around her waist as he stood behind her, watching the interaction in the living room. Evelyn had to leave to bring Joseph back to the home, he was tired and needed his medication.

  Something told Helen he knew who Marissa was but was afraid to admit or ask for verification of his suspicions. The way he looked at her and seemed like he’d cry when Marissa hugged him, no one knew if he knew, but Helen had a feeling. She knew he still held on to the feelings of guilt for his decision. It would be hard to explain to him who she was and why she was here. There was a chance he might not even understand what she was saying, or remember it the next day.

  As she watched them talk, she thought about how she’d tell Tyson she planned to go back to North Carolina with Marissa to get tested for being a donor match. She wanted to believe he’d be behind her decision, but a part of her feared his reaction or disapproval. He might be wary about her going, especially donating an organ to someone she didn’t know. But this was different, she may not know her, but she was still her daughter. That could never change, no matter what.

  She watched as Marissa and Carlos sat and talked with Grace and Tyson II, they all seemed to get along perfectly. She hated that Brent seemed angry about her secret, although later he had apologized to her and Marissa. Helen admired the way Marissa accepted the apology and didn’t let it affect her. In fact she acted as if it never happened, even understanding his feelings. The woman that she had become was astonishing and she was so proud of her. Proud of all her children and how they had grown up.

  Her children…would they understand her reasoning? They seemed to accept Marissa wholeheartedly but once they learned that Helen planned to possibly give her an organ, would they be okay with that? She’d kept all of this from them for so long, would they understand her decision to help? She knew there could be a small chance that Marissa may not even truly be her daughter, but the chances of that were so small. There was no way that could be a coincidence. Everything added up now, it all made sense.

  She hated that Marissa was sick, and the only thing she could think to do was help in any way she could. If that meant getting tested and giving her daughter a kidney to keep her well, then Helen would do it. No questions asked. She would go to the ends of the earth for any one of her children, that’s what mothers did. All of her worries plagued her mind as she watched the interactions between her children. She was sad to see them leave but she knew they had to get their children into bed.

  “We’d better be going, mom. It was really great to meet you Marissa. Don’t be a stranger.” Tyson II said as he gave out hugs, Helen smiled sweetly and hugged him back.

  “Get those little ones into bed. Thank you so much for coming…and for understanding,” she said before letting him go. She watched Carlos shake hands with Brent, who then hugged Marissa as they prepared to leave.

  “Dinner was great, Mom. Sorry about my outburst.” Brent said quietly.

  Helen shook her head no and hugged him tightly. “Don’t be sorry. Thank you for coming.” Part of her felt as if she should tell them her plans to go back with her, but her fear held her back from speaking up. Maybe it was too soon to spring that on them. Helen waved as they all left, turning back to go inside with the others.

  Carlos and Marissa looked cozy on the couch and she smiled, so happy for her daughter. Carlos seemed like a great catch. She had convinced Marissa that there was no discussion about her going to North Carolina to get tested. It would be too soon to leave when they did so she would follow the following day. Now, it was time to talk to Tyson and her sons about the situation. Only time would tell how they all felt about her decision to get tested and go to North Carolina with Marissa.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Helen was a bit surprised at the reactions from her family about her going back to North Carolina with Marissa. They understood it was a matter of her health, but were suspicious of Marissa’s intentions for wanting to find her mother, was that the only reason? To obtain her kidney? After reassuring them all that Marissa’s intentions were pure, explaining the situation of how she’d come to find out about the poor health of her daughter, they all seemed to understand. Tyson more than anyone insisted that she do what she thought best. It was Brent who was hesitant, Tyson II who was weary and Grace who was thrilled to hear of them finding one another. Abigail stayed neutral on the subject, but had said to Helen that it was the right thing to do. Had she been in her shoes, she wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Hearing that gave Helen confidence she had done the right thing. Her boys felt a sense of betrayal for being kept in the dark about the existence of a sister, despite Helen’s explanation of having believed her to be dead. It pained her that she’d kept the secret from them but the painful memories had only made her keep it buried deeper within her heart.

  The family dinner had gone well, her father had been taken back to the nursing home with Evelyn and she debated when to tell her father who Marissa actually was even though she suspected he had a hint of knowledge about her identity. Given the risk of upsetting him, she decided against it and instead explained she had to go out of town for business but would return soon. Tyson reassured her that she was doing the right thing and he’d keep a close watch over her father during her absence. Marissa questioned the rightness of doing what she was going to do but no matter how much or long Helen thought about it, this was her child…her little girl. Helen would give her life for Marissa to live, why not do what she could to ensure that Marissa lived a full happy life? She deserved it, and any mother would do the same for her child.

  A week and a half had passed since her arrival in North Carolina and so much had happened. Learning about her other granddaughter on the drive over, Helen was overjoyed to meet her in person. Sophia was excited to meet her, but still expressed concern about her grandparents and how that changed. After Helen gently explained that it only meant that she had two more, the little girl was excited and thought herself to be lucky to have two sets of grandparents. Marissa had introduced Mike and Susanne to Helen in an awkward meeting that soon turned warm. When they heard her reasons for being there, Susanne burst into tears and soon the two women were hugging, bonding in a motherly way that only two mothers could. Two mothers who loved and claimed the same woman as their daughter, both of whom would do anything for her. They had a very long conversation, speaking about the night of 1969 and what each remembered.

  “I never knew…I swear I did not know.” Susanne had cried as she expressed her sympathy for Helen�
�s loss of her daughter. She said she felt guilty about it, like she had stolen her child. Helen reassured her that it was all in the past and she couldn’t have known. Although it still hurt, she had since forgiven her father. In her heart she knew it was not done out of spite, but more out of concern. Helen was saddened to hear that Suzanne and Mike’s child was the baby she held after being told her child had died. They hugged and cried, sharing a bond over Marissa and instantly connected. Mike was not very talkative, Helen didn’t want to pry but assumed it was because of the situation. For the first half of the day, he remained silent as Helen and Susanne talked. Finally when he did speak, he apologized and expressed his gratitude for her selfless generosity in being willing to give Marissa an organ or do anything she could do to help.

  Helen felt very welcomed and enjoyed meeting them. Seeing Marissa’s home life was the first step in getting to know her. Her nerves had finally settled from the trip and she was ready to meet Marissa’s doctor and get tested as soon as possible. There was nothing more she wanted to do than this, she’d missed thirty-four years, and she would not miss any more.

  Marissa thought herself to be the lucky one, having both women in her life meant she’d never want for any kind of mother’s love. What once was lost, was now found and she wouldn’t let that go. Ever. The meeting produced many tears and even a few laughs. Friendships were formed and everything seemed to be going right for the first time in a while. Helen had gotten herself tested that first week and everyone was now playing the waiting game.

  Carlos had gone back to work, periodically checking in on Marissa. Helen tried to insist that she stay at a hotel in order to not impose but Marissa would hear nothing of that. It gave the two women tons of time to catch up and get to know one another.

  Helen wanted to stay until the results were in, which wouldn’t take very long, according to the doctor. All results would be delivered at the same time. Chantelle, Lyndsay, Susanne, Mike, and Helen had all been tested and the doctor was confident that out of their group, a donor must exist and be the right match for Marissa. Prayers and positive thinking kept her hopeful, but the dialysis kept her weak. She was thankful to have Helen around to help with the house and Sophia when Carlos was at work, especially since her parents lived a good half hour away.

  The expressions on Chantelle and Lyndsay’s faces when she told them about her mother and finding her made Marissa laugh. They were silent for a while, exchanging looks between one another and to anyone who knew them, being silent was saying something. They were happy and excited for her but in utter shock that Susanne and Mike were not her parents.

  “Tell me about my father…” Marissa said as she slowly sucked down the spoonful of soup.

  Helen looked up and smiled, “Thomas Cole was his name. He had just turned eighteen when his number was called.”

  Marissa wrinkled her brow, not understanding.

  “It was the time of Vietnam War and he was drafted. None of us thought it could happen but it did. I was distraught and feared the worst but he assured me that when he returned he’d marry me and we’d raise our baby together. We didn’t find out we were expecting you until that January, the month he had to leave.” Helen smiled as she remembered.

  “I was so petrified to tell my parents, but they found out eventually. It was like World War III with them, they didn’t think Tommy was ‘good enough’ for their daughter. Not even when he bravely went to fight in a war and serve his country. It wasn’t until July that his mother called me to tell me he’d been killed by a land mine. There wasn’t much left of his remains so they sent her his ashes. I could never bring myself to go see her, the pain I was feeling nearly crippled me.

  “The one thing that kept me going was you growing inside of me. I was determined to show my parents I could do it with or without them, you were the last thing I had of Tommy. The last connection I had with him and I couldn’t let that go. You have his eyes, you know.” Helen smiled and looked down at her hand that held Marissa’s.

  “I loved him very much, just know that. And he loved you more than I could ever describe. He’d have been a great father.” Her eyes were lost in thought in her own memories as Marissa wiped the tears from her eyes.

  She couldn’t complain. Her childhood had been wonderful. She did have great parents who loved and cared for her, so it wasn’t horrible. She’d always love them and consider them her family but she’d finally found her mother. Balancing relationships with both sides would take time but was possible.

  Marissa stood and wrapped her arms around her mother’s shoulders, hugging her tightly and closing her eyes. “Thank you for fighting for me. I know you would have been a great mom to me.”

  The phone rang and interrupted their moment and Marissa sniffled, wiped her eyes and went over to the phone. “Hello?”

  “Miss Hayes?”

  “Yes, this is she.”

  “Miss Hayes, hi. It’s Jennifer at Dr. McKeon’s office. We have the results from everyone who was tested to be a donor for you. When can you come in?”

  “Oh, um, what time can I come today?”

  “We close today at four, so any time before then Dr. McKeon will be here to speak with you.”

  “Thank you so much, I’ll be there soon.” Marissa hung up the phone and took in a slow breath, turning to Helen. “The results are in.” As much as she wanted to know, she also feared knowing or knowing the worse.

  Helen grabbed her cell to call Tyson to let him know she’d know today about being a donor, while with shaky hands Marissa called Carlos.

  “Dr. Martinez,” he answered.

  “Carlos, it’s Marissa. I’m sorry to call you at work, I just needed to tell you something.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “I hope so…the results are in.”

  “Would you like me to go with you?”

  “Well, I’d love you to but I know you’re working. It’s okay.”

  “I’m sure I can get someone to cover for me, I’m a doctor, and I can make my own schedule sometimes, you know.” He chuckled and she smiled.

  “If you can, then yes, I’d love for you to be there.”

  “Dr. McKeon’s office right? I can be there in ten, meet you there?”

  “Yes, that sounds great. I’ll do this while Sophia is still in school. See you then.” She hung up with a smile on her face and Helen took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

  “We’re going to get good news, I’m certain. Tyson said hello and he’s praying. That’s some doctor you’ve got there. He must know how lucky he is to have you.”

  Marissa felt her cheeks heat up and shook her head. “I’m the lucky one really.”

  Marissa called Susanne and Mike on the way to the doctor to arrange for Sophia to be picked up just in case she wasn’t out on time. They reminded her over and over to call them the minute she knew anything and she promised she would.

  Helen drove Marissa’s car there since her early morning dialysis still had her woozy and weak. She took a deep breath before opening her car door to head into the private office at the hospital for the news that could hopefully change her life. Her mother held her hand and rubbed the top of it with her other hand as they waited. Carlos entered the office a few minutes after them and sat on the opposite side of Marissa, taking her other hand. She had them both there for emotional support but felt as if she’d break down in tears at the mere anticipation. Dr. McKeon entered and Marissa couldn’t read her face, which always made her nervous. Bad news always came when you couldn’t read their faces.

  “Marissa, I have here the results from everyone we tested for you. Now, this isn’t final, you are still on the waiting list for a match as well. Any other family members and friends can be tested at their own choice.”

  Marissa swallowed hard and felt the lump in her throat rise, her hands trembling softly because of her nerves.

  “I’m sorry to have to say, but no one that was tested is a match. Your blood type and Mrs. Burrows were matched but t
he size and tissue were not and it posed too big of a risk of your body rejecting it. It was a match on three out of five factors, but we can’t take that chance.”

  Marissa dropped her head with her chin against her chest and pressed her lips together while Helen and Carlos exchanged a look and comforted her as much as they could.

  She looked up and shook her head, anger replacing sadness. “So basically I wait on that list until someone dies who matches me. If not…I die. Right? Is that what you’re saying?”

  Dr. McKeon tried to speak softly and reassure Marissa to help her through this. “We continue to look, we wait. It is a waiting game but the dialysis is helping you, the medication is helping—“

  “It’s just keeping me alive…just say it. It’s biding my time.”

  “Miss Hayes—“

  “I think we should get her home, thank you, Dr. McKeon,” Carlos looked at Marissa and helped her up, she wrapped her arms around him and cried into his shoulder. All the hope he’d had was now diminished to almost nothing.

  Helen wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out when Dr. McKeon did.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t have better news. She’s not taking this well at all.” Dr. McKeon said softly outside the room to Helen.

  “Thank you for all you’re doing for her. I just wish I could do something and take her pain away, I hate seeing her suffer like this.”

  Dr. McKeon nodded and touched Helen’s shoulder, “Don’t let her give up, keep her mindset strong. She’s determined, but she must stay that way. The first sign of failure is when you give up.” Helen nodded in agreement and Dr. McKeon walked towards the nurse’s station as Carlos exited with Marissa.

  “Can you take her home to rest? I need to run some errands but I’ll be there right after. Would you like me to call Mike and Susanne, or would you like to?” Carlos asked Helen as he held Marissa to him.

  “I’ll do whatever you like, sweetheart. Would you like me to call them?” Marissa nodded and Helen looked back up at Carlos.