Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

  Sophia nodded and snuggled down into the bed, pulling the covers up higher. Marissa turned out the light after she put the night light on. Carlos had gone ahead as she lingered behind. “Are you happy, Momma?” Her daughter’s small voice asked and caused Marissa to pause.

  “Of course I’m happy. I couldn’t be any happier.”

  “Are you scared?” Marissa walked back over to Sophia’s bed and sat at the edge.

  She looked over at Sophia and smiled softly, “Terrified. But like Mr. Carlos explained, we will be fine. These doctors are very skilled in what they do. I have complete faith that everything will be okay. You trust me?” Sophia nodded her head. “Good, now…are you happy?”

  “I really like him and I like how he makes you smile. You haven’t smiled like that in a long time. I know you said my real Daddy doesn’t know what he missed out on, and I guess you’re right. I would really like to call him Daddy. He’s always so nice to me and I never had that before. You know…from like a Dad.” Sophia was struggling with her explanation and Marissa smiled softly, kissing her forehead.

  “I know exactly what you mean.”

  “We have something in common now, you know?” Sophia said with a grin.

  Marissa quirked a brow, “Oh yeah? What’s that little lady?”

  “Well, you never got to meet your real dad either. Mrs. Helen says he passed away.” Marissa nodded, knowing where she was going with this.

  “That’s right. But I’m sure he was a great man. Besides, I have Grampa Mike.”

  “And I have Mr. Carlos,” she beamed and Marissa chuckled.

  “Go to sleep, little one. We have a long day tomorrow.” She kissed her forehead again and closed the door a bit as she left Sophia’s room. Sophia never ceased to amaze her and she was so glad she had such a great relationship with her. Standing in the hallway alone for a moment, she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer that everything would be okay. That everything would go right tomorrow.

  Joining Helen and Carlos back in the living room she saw Helen staring into space and lost in thought. “Are you okay?” Marissa asked softly and touched her mother’s shoulder as she sat next to her on the sofa. Helen blinked and turned her attention to them with a smile.

  “Just thinking is all.” She sat back on the sofa and turned her body towards Marissa. “I haven’t told you that much about your father. Would you like to know more about him?” she asked and placed her hand on top of Marissa’s.

  “I can step out and give you two time.” Helen and Marissa both shook their heads and Carlos remained sitting on the recliner next to the sofa where Marissa sat.

  “No, it’s okay. I want you to hear it, too.” She looked back at Helen and nodded. “Yes, I’d love to hear more about him. Was he a good man? How’d you meet?”

  Helen smiled, remembering. “I met him in high school. He was always so nice, unlike the rest of the football team. I was on the cheerleading squad and very dedicated to my studies. It was at a football game on the bus to the rival high school when he finally talked to me. He was a grade higher than I was and would graduate that following year. I was smitten.” She chuckled. “He was funny, made me laugh and he was very kind. He came from a lower-class family. When he wasn’t in school, he worked at his father’s mechanic shop.”

  Helen smiled remembering the time he rubbed grease on her nose playfully and she struck his arm. Going back to her story, she looked at Marissa and continued. “Once my father found out about us, he forbade me to see someone with no ‘goals’. Tommy wanted to continue running the mechanic shop when he could, college was something he couldn’t afford. He had thought he’d get a scholarship for playing football but that went out the window because of his grades. We dated secretly for a while, but then I found out I was pregnant. Tommy was happy, he wanted to marry me and take care of us. Then he was drafted to Vietnam.” Helen’s voice grew smaller as she remembered the day he was drafted and how much she cried and begged him not to go. He said it would be good for their family, the money the army gave for soldiers was a decent amount at the time. He did it for his country because that’s the type of man he was. But more importantly, he did it for his family. He would always tell her he would come back home to her and their baby, always make her think of their future, picture it and hold on to that. Helen swallowed the lump in her throat and looked over at Marissa.

  Marissa’s face saddened at that part. “So it split you up?”

  “No, we were still very much in love and he vowed when he came home he’d marry me and we’d raise our child together. I told my parents my plan and they suggested adoption. Abortion was against our religion. I refused and stood my ground, even moving out for a few weeks until they listened. Tommy went off and was gone for a few months. Letters came and I sent him updates. He couldn’t wait to be a father. I was nervous, only being seventeen, but I was happy. So very happy.” Her eyes became teary and she looked down at her hand on top of Marissa’s. Sniffling back the tears she fought to finish her story. It was as if it happened yesterday, the pain still there. She still thought of him often and she would always love him.

  “His mother called me in July when I was eight months pregnant with you and told me he’d been killed.” She covered her mouth and closed her eyes as the tears escaped and rolled down her cheek. Marissa placed her other hand on Helen’s, who went on with a shaky voice, “It was the hardest thing I’d been through to lose him. You were all I had left of him, of us. I was determined to raise and love you alone if I had to. I continued to hold on to that future he had built for us in our imagination, the one thing that kept me going. It wasn’t enough most days and I was just a wreck. I wanted you, I always wanted you.” The tears broke through and finally fell as Marissa scooted closer and hugged her. “He was a good man. I want you to know that, he would have loved you and loved the woman you became. He would be so proud of you just the way I am.”

  They sat silently for a while and Marissa wiped her tears away, giving Helen a smile. “I know. I know.” Pulling back to look at her, she spoke, “At least we have each other now, that’s all that matters.”

  Helen nodded and swallowed hard at the lump in her throat again. “You’re right, it is,” she nodded and looked at the time. “It’s getting late, we should rest for tomorrow. Everything will be fine.”

  * * * *

  Carlos nodded and smiled reassuringly as he stood. His mind was whirling at the kind of pain Helen had been in when she lost the love of her life. It only made his heart ache at the thought of losing Marissa. How could he go on? It was the biggest fear he had, the one he refused to face or think of. She really was it, the one, his other half. How had Helen managed to go on after that, and then on top of it, to survive all these years believing her daughter had died? It was a story of strength, he had to give it to Helen, and she was strong. If Marissa was her daughter, maybe that strength would radiate in her and make her think and believe the impossible. After saying good night to Helen, they went to Marissa’s bedroom and changed for bed. He fluffed the pillows while she pulled her hair from its ponytail and ran her fingers through it. He entertained himself by occasionally stealing glances at her with a smile. She was so beautiful and she just didn’t realize it. Pulling back the blankets, she climbed in and he did the same. She snuggled up against him with her back to his chest as he draped an arm across her waist, running his fingertips along her arm in silence. His thoughts about tomorrow were weighing on his mind, he was worried. Part of him was scared. If something went wrong…

  “He sounded like a great man.”

  Carlos nodded, pulled away from his thoughts. “He did. I bet he would have been a great father. I’m sorry you never got to meet him.”

  “There is a reason for everything, right?” She sighed and turned her head to look up at him over her shoulder. “Is it normal to be nervous? Scared even?”

  He held her tighter to him and kissed her cheek. If only she knew how nervous and scared he was. Remaining strong for
her was his job, and he would not let her see him crumble. He had to keep her hope alive, and he needed to make her smile. “It is, but just know I’ll be right next to you, literally. You’ll always have a piece of me that way.”

  She laughed and shook her head at his joke. “I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. You’ve awakened everything in me that I never knew existed. I feel like there could actually be a future after all. It seems possible, and it’s all because of you.”

  “You don’t know just how much I feel the same way. After the divorce, I thought that was it and I was just cursed. Then you walked into my office and I was just wowed by you.”

  “Since way back then?” She looked curious now, turning over to face him as he raised his arm to allow her to position herself then lowered it back down, looking into her eyes.

  “From the first consultation, yes. I was first and foremost attracted to you but the longer I knew you and got to know you, you were just…amazing.” She blushed then and buried her face in his chest. He chuckled. “What? You asked.”

  “So all this time Lyndsay hounded me to flirt or ask you on a date, I should have.”

  He grinned. “Oh, I don’t know, things worked out pretty perfectly really. I liked the chase a bit. Kept it interesting.”

  She laughed and playfully hit his arm. “What are you talking about, our first date I was practically goo in your hands.”

  “So it was a date date, ah-ha, I knew it.” He laughed with her and quirked a brow. Nuzzling her neck, his head swam with the smell of her perfume.

  “It was a casual dinner between friends. Nothing more, nothing less. But I wanted to kiss you.”

  Carlos grinned more and propped up on his elbow to look at her. “I wanted you to kiss me, or to kiss you myself. I settled for the cheek. You looked…amazing. Of course, you always look amazing. I was a gentleman, even though it nearly broke my resolve to walk away from you that night.” He chuckled and kissed below her earlobe, growling playfully against her skin. She laughed and it was contagious, he found himself laughing with her. He moved to look down at her, gazing into her beautiful hazel eyes. “I loved you then, I love you now. It was always only you, Marissa. Always.” He ran the tips of his fingers down the side of her face to her jaw and smiled.

  * * * *

  She felt her cheeks begin to hurt from smiling so much. He was one of the only ones who could make her smile reach her eyes. She looked back up at him and shook her head, meeting his gaze. His smile was genuine and made the wrinkles next to his eyes stand out. His lips met hers and sparked electricity throughout her body. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders as he tugged on her back, pulling her closer to him. It was one of those deep, soul-searching kisses that she’d come to love and could never get enough of. When he finally pulled back and closed his eyes, clenching his jaw and running his hand up and down her back she released her breath slowly and pressed her forehead to his chin.

  “I love you so much, Marissa. I can’t wait to make you my wife.”

  “We have to survive tomorrow first.”

  “We will. And then I marry you.”

  “Right there in the hospital room?” she asked with a grin.

  “If that’s what you want, yes,” he answered and she let out a girlish giggle.

  He kissed her forehead and they exchanged good night wishes and both closed their eyes to drift off to sleep in one another’s arms. Tomorrow would be a long day.

  When the alarm sounded that morning, she reached over and shut it off, jumping up with a start. Running her hands over her face to wake herself up, she looked at the darkened window with one eye cracked open. It was still dark out, being four-thirty in the morning. Carlos groaned and rolled over in bed. She headed for the shower while he slept a little longer. She emerged with a towel wrapped around her head, jumping when she saw Carlos sitting on the edge of the bed tying his tennis shoes. My, how he could make a simple jean and tee outfit look sexy. He grinned at her startled expression.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He stood and walked over to her, kissing her lips then heading to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Marissa dressed in jeans and a tee, figuring that was easiest. She brushed out her hair and pulled it into a ponytail then went into the kitchen where Helen sat reading her Nook and eating a bagel.

  “Good morning, sweetheart.”

  “Morning. Sleep well on the pull-out?”

  Helen nodded and bit into the bagel.

  “Good, I’m gonna go get Sophia up and ready. Mom and Dad said that she’d go home with them once we’re in a room after the surgery.”

  Helen swallowed and dusted her hands off over the sink. “That sounds good to me, let them know if they need me to keep her here I can. I’m here to help in any way I can.”

  Marissa smiled and was thankful to have her mother there.

  They were at the hospital by six, Sophia still sleepy and only half-awake in the backseat with Helen. Marissa held Carlos’ hand as he drove down to the hospital. The sun began to peek over the clouds, about to make its grand appearance to signal morning. She felt hungry but they weren’t allowed to eat anything after midnight. Her stomach was unsettled with nerves at the prospect of what was to happen. She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer to God that everything would go okay and her body wouldn’t reject it. They had gone over all the complications and possible outcomes and even though she was ready, the biggest of the complications scared her. Feeling safe in Dr. McKeon’s hands, she was confident it would go well but she couldn’t help worrying. They’d checked, double and triple checked all the results to make sure everything would go smoothly.

  “We’ll be here the whole time waiting for you to wake up. I love you, we’ll be praying.” Susanne said softly as she kissed Marissa on the forehead. Marissa was lying on a hospital bed in a hospital gown, awaiting surgery time. They were starting her IVs and monitors, while her family visited with her. Sophia hugged her tightly and looked up at her.

  “You’re gonna be fine, Momma. I know because I prayed a whole bunch.”

  Marissa smiled and kissed her daughter’s forehead, closed her eyes and sighed. “Thank you, baby.”

  “I’m going to have to ask you all to leave now, we’re about to medicate her. Someone will keep you updated by calling to let you know they’ve started,” the nurse said as she walked in and held the clipboard to her chest. Everyone gave their kisses and hugs, well wishes and ‘see ya laters’. It wasn’t goodbye. After they left, she looked up at the bright white ceiling and took in a slow steady breath to keep her blood pressure under control. Carlos entered, wearing a hospital gown that was tied with another on his backside. She smiled and reached for him, he met her by taking her hand and kissing her knuckles.

  “I just wanted to say I love you and I’ll see you soon. I have a little pull, I was able to get us a joint room. So we’ll be roomies.” She laughed and shook her head as he grinned wide.

  “I love you, too. See you soon, roomie.” He bent over to kiss her lips and stood back up, giving her hand a squeeze before leaving the room.

  “Okay Miss Hayes, I’m going to inject a sedative that’s going to calm you before we put you to sleep.” Marissa nodded and took in a deep breath as they pushed the medicine through the IV tube.

  * * * *

  Susanne, Mike, Sophia, Helen and Lyndsay sat in the waiting room, trying to pass the time. Lyndsay sat with Sophia and colored princess pages out of her book. Mike held Susanne’s hand in silence and Helen sat across from them. Chantelle had made Lyndsay promise to keep her updated since she had to go to court for one of her cases. Helen held onto her medallion and prayed to St. Jude for healing, Susanne smiled softly at the memories of Marissa when she was younger. Turning to Helen, she spoke softly. “I remember when Marissa cut her knee trying to ride her bike without the training wheels.” She laughed. “It was as if it hadn’t happened, she said she was fine with the big gash that bled and got back on, determined to do it. She’s so str
ong-willed and confident.”

  Helen smiled and looked down at her hands. “You raised a beautiful young woman.”

  “You brought her into this world and for that I’m forever grateful.”

  The phone rang and Susanne stood the same time as Helen did. “You go,” Susanne suggested and sat back down. Helen went to the phone and picked it up. She nodded and thanked the caller, hung up and turned around to walk back to her seat where she notified everyone they had started the surgeries.

  Everyone seemed to stiffen at the news, waiting for the results but trying to keep their minds off of the time. Helen looked back over at Susanne and smiled. “Tell me more, about her growing up, about her life.”

  * * * *

  Susanne beamed and nodded. “Of course,” she thought for a moment before continuing. “I remember when Marissa was just a baby and we took her home from the hospital, she was such a calm baby. Slept through the night at seven weeks old, even before then she’d only wake to feed or get a new diaper. She was happy, too, always smiling.” Helen smiled with pride. “As she grew older we saw this light in her, like she always wanted to help others and teach them things. We couldn’t have any more children, Lord knows we tried. But it just wasn’t meant to be. Marissa wanted to be a big sister, and would tell us all the things she could do for them. I remember her playing school with her childhood friends and assigning them homework. I once found her crying in the backyard because none of her ‘students’ had done their homework.” Susanne shook her head and chuckled, Helen joining in. “She always had an active imagination. Such a sweet girl. She was our pride and joy and still is; she’s become such a remarkable person.”

  Helen nodded in agreement. They spent the rest of the time exchanging stories about Marissa and about Helen’s sons. Lyndsay joined in the conversation when Sophia fell asleep on the lounge chair. She shared stories about how she met Marissa and the impact she’d had on her life. They all turned to see a doctor enter wearing scrubs and a face mask pulled down. The adults stood and waited on edge for news. It had been three and a half hours since the start of surgery.