Wiser

by Lexie Ray

  “Can I tell you something?” I asked, my voice muffled by his shirt. “I hope you don’t think it’s weird.”

  “Anything,” he said, pulling away a little to look at my face.

  My dripping blue eyes rose to meet his incredibly dark and beautiful brown eyes. They’d been making me melt for months, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

  “I wish you were the father of my baby.”

  Dan pressed his lips together and smiled as a tear ran down his cheek.

  “Can I tell you something?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “I wish I were the father of your baby.”

  When our lips touched, softly at first, and then harder, deeper, more frenzied, it was like it was meant to be. The doctor had printed out a picture of the baby, its miniscule arm raised in greeting as if it already knew who its real parents were. I clutched the printout in my hand and kissed Dan powerfully, his lips easing away all of my doubts about the future.

  “Can we go home?” I asked, resting my forehead against his.

  “There’s no place I’d rather go with you,” he said.

  We held hands on the bus the whole way back and started kissing again once we were in the elevator. We laughed at my belly getting in the way of our holding each other. When we got to the condo, it was quiet, warm, dark, and full of promise. I was filled with pleasant butterflies at the thought of what was going to happen next—then butterflies of anxiety as he started undressing me in his room.

  “Wait. Would you mind turning off the lights?” I asked. “I look like a whale, Dan.”

  “You do not look like a whale,” he admonished. “Remember? I saw you at the doctor’s office. You look great.”

  “Please.”

  “I can’t deny you anything,” he said, flicking off the light. “But I hope you know that I think you’re beautiful.”

  The curtains of his bedroom kept the light from the setting sun, and the lights of the slowly illuminating Big Apple, on the outside, making it hard to see each other. I felt relieved—my belly had been feeling bigger than ever lately. As much as I wanted to sleep with Dan, I couldn’t bear to shock him with my enormous baby bump.

  But turning the lights off had unexpected consequences, I quickly discovered. We had to rely on touch—and sound—to do anything. Not being able to see Dan’s hands made their caressing of my face and neck even sweeter. I was able to let go of my hang-ups over my appearance and enjoy what we were offering to each other—a night of pleasure.

  We undressed each other in that quiet darkness, our breathing quickening with each slip of material to the floor. My hands “saw” Dan’s smooth chest, defined pectorals, fit abs, and trim waist. His hands explored my bare shoulders, palmed my full breasts, traversed the curve of my belly.

  Every sense was heightened by the darkness. When our lips touched in the barest of kisses, it felt like Dan was my only lifeline. I latched onto him, kissing him powerfully, wondering where he had been all my life.

  However, deep down, I knew that Dan was right for me at this point in my life. If I’d come across him when I first got to New York, maybe he’d just be another casualty of my free love stage. No, I was wise enough to know that the perfect man had come into the perfect juncture of my life.

  I’d never let him go, not for anything.

  When we stood naked in front of each other, still seeing with our hands, I trailed my fingers all the way down his torso until I reached his stiff shaft. I pumped it up and down once, gratified by his sigh of appreciation, and then we found the bed.

  “I don’t know how this works,” I whispered in between kisses. “How should we do this?”

  “Love will find a way,” Dan said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

  His fingers slipped in between my labia and probed the wetness he found there. I groaned softly. I hadn’t had sex since Jake—for months and months. This was too sweet, too good, too intense as he slid his fingers around my clitoris. He knew just how to touch me, just when to pull back, to keep me right on the edge of a dangerous, dangerous cliff.

  “I need you inside me,” I moaned. “Please, Dan. Anything, anything. Just take me.”

  I barely knew what I was saying, but he rolled me on my side and drew my leg up to accommodate him. I cried out hotly as he positioned his cock against my body, ready to push into me in a moment’s notice. When the head slipped into my too-wet pussy, it was a revelation. I gasped at the sweet filling, craving even more.

  “I need it, Dan,” I said, sobbing as he stroked my breasts from his position behind me.

  “I know you do, baby,” he said. “I’m going to give you everything you want. Everything.”

  He plunged into me, his cock fire encased in steel, and I gave a long, loud moan. Dan stilled when he was fully encased in my body, and we rested there, enjoying the feeling of joining our bodies together. I was incredibly aroused, but more than anything, I was emotionally filled. Many men had been inside my body, but only Dan had touched me so deeply.

  He started moving, thrusting against me, holding me to him as he pumped in and out. With the angle of our bodies, he struck my sweet spot every single time.

  It had been too long. Within a few minutes, I was coming, a sweet, sweet orgasm rolling over my body. I clenched every muscle I had, riding out the wave and sobbing with relief.

  “You’re so tight,” Dan said, his voice sounding labored, and he grabbed my hips, groaning.

  His wetness filled me pleasantly, making his cock slip in and out even easier.

  He pulled out of my body and held me there until I turned around so I could hug him. I didn’t know what words would be sufficient, so I didn’t say anything. Instead, I held his hand and held him, hoping I could convey what I felt for him.

  I don’t know if it was the hormones or what, but resting there with Dan, my head on his chest, his hand casually playing with my hair, I was ready to go again.

  “Dan?”

  “Hm?”

  I hesitated.

  “What is it, baby?” he asked.

  “I’m horny again,” I said, cringing before bursting out into laughter.

  Dan’s deep, merry laugh joined mine immediately.

  “Well, we can’t have that,” he said. “We’ll have to do something.”

  He pulled me up until I sat astride him. I was glad the lights were off, even if I wanted to look him in the eyes. He would’ve been getting a face full of baby bump.

  His hard cock pressed up against me, in front of my pubic mound.

  “You, too, huh?” I asked, my voice full of joking sympathy.

  “I’ll help you if you help me?” he asked innocently.

  “Of course,” I teased. “It’s only fair.”

  I shrieked as Dan tickled me, rising to a kneeling position to get away from his deadly fingers. When I sank down again, it was to impale myself on his dick.

  I panted as I did the same move again, rising until he was completely outside my body and sinking again until he was completely sheathed.

  “There’s nothing better than this,” I moaned, doing it again. Once he had filled me again, Dan grabbed my hips, keeping me there. He started thrusting upward, the movement making me see stars even in the dark room. I leaned back, allowing him access to my swollen, tender breasts. It felt so good when he plucked at my nipples, sending shockwaves down to my crotch.

  His thrusts were doing more and more to me, rubbing against my sweet spot again. When he added a thumb pressing firmly against my clitoris, I lost it, coming over and over again, one orgasm layered on top of the other. I’d never experienced anything like it, just a constant pulse of pleasure. I felt like I was going crazy as I screamed, unable to give words to the ecstasy I was going through.

  “That’s my good girl,” Dan said, and his answering groan told me all I needed to know. He was coming with me.

  I fell asleep with his arms around me, my breathing gradually slowing, and realized I had never felt saf
er.

  Morning came too soon after our night of lovemaking.

  I awoke to light filtering through the curtains, troubled by the empty bed. I relaxed as I heard the shower running, and rose to join him.

  “Good morning,” he said, covered with soap as I slipped under the stream of steaming water with me. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”

  “You should’ve,” I said. “I could wash your back for you.”

  “I would never deny you that pleasure,” Dan joked, turning around.

  The water ran down my body, easing my muscles as I explored Dan’s back. He wasn’t overly muscular, but he was extremely fit, I noticed as I ran my hands down his back. His ass was a peach, just right. I gave it a squeeze as if I were judging its ripeness.

  “Perfect,” I said into his ear.

  He turned around to rinse the rest of the soap off of him while grabbing the bar to help me wash up, and my eyes fell on his pectoral. I stopped breathing, staring at the tattoo there. An eagle. Right over his heart.

  Just like Jake.

  “So I was thinking that we could skip work today,” Dan was saying, not paying attention to what held my rapt attention as he worked the soap over my shoulders and back, hugging me to him. “We could go see an opera or something. It’s been a while for me. You wouldn’t believe the sets and costumes for these kinds of things. Or I heard there was a new exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art. I know we’ve been twice already, but I can’t get enough of it.”

  When Dan pushed me gently away from him to soap up my front, he realized I hadn’t been listening, still staring at that tattoo like it was going to fly off his chest and claw my eyes out.

  “Everything okay?” he asked, his voice soft.

  I looked into his eyes. “What does your tattoo mean?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light and failing miserably.

  He looked away before seeming to have to force himself to meet my eyes.

  “It was something my brother and I got together,” he said, his dark eyes sad on so many levels. “We had kind of a rough childhood, and it was to remind us that we were always free inside our hearts, no matter where we were.”

  “He told me it was so he’d be free with his heart,” I said, staring hard at Dan. “Or something like that.”

  “Jake likes to change it every time anyone asks.” Dan’s smile was too sad to be a smile. “I’m sorry, Blue.”

  “How long did you know that I’d been with your brother?” I asked, shivering even though the water was delightfully warm.

  “Since the beginning,” Dan said. “I’m sorry. I went to the nightclub because he said there was a girl there that was giving him trouble. I only wanted to see who you were, see what was going on, see if I could help my brother at all.”

  “And are you?” I demanded. “Are you helping your brother, Dan?”

  “I saw you,” he said, “and you were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. You were so sad, and I knew that I should be helping you instead of my brother. He’s a womanizer, baby, and when you told me that he’d gotten you pregnant and wasn’t answering your calls, it broke my heart.”

  I shook my head, harder and harder until Dan gently put his hands on either side of it to stop me.

  “Blue ….”

  “You lied to me,” I said. “I’ve never, never lied to you. Ever. I’ve told you every shitty, stupid, embarrassing detail of my life.”

  It was true. As we’d gotten to know each other, I’d shared with Dan everything about Mama’s nightclub, about when I first got to New York, and about my life in Tennessee—even the horrifying way I’d left the state. Full disclosure. That was my motto. Don’t make a judgment before you know all the details.

  But it made me realize that I’d never really known anything about Dan. Including this bombshell—that he wasn’t the father to the baby inside me. He was its uncle.

  Dan was Jake’s brother. It made me reel. Suddenly, the shower was too hot. The steam was making me dizzy. I couldn’t be in there another second.

  “Gotta throw up,” I managed to say before crashing out of the shower and falling to my knees by the toilet, heaving up everything I’d eaten yesterday.

  Dan knelt beside me, pushing my wet hair out of my face, keeping it away from the stream of vomit I was shooting into the toilet. I’d never felt so vulnerable, crouched there, naked, and spewing my guts out. How could I trust him with anything if he’d hidden this from me?

  “I didn’t know how to tell you, Blue,” Dan was saying, his voice broken. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have hid it from you. But I didn’t know what else to do.”

  I shook my hand and leaned back from the toilet, sitting heavily on the concrete floor. Reaching up, I yanked a towel down from the rack to cover my nakedness.

  “I told you everything,” I repeated. “I just don’t understand why you did this, Dan.”

  “When I saw you at the nightclub, I fell in love with you,” Dan said. “I’m sorry, Blue. That’s the truth. I knew my brother had been with you, knew that he’d put the baby in you. But I didn’t care. All I saw was you, and you were so beautiful. So talented. And you didn’t even know it.”

  “How can I trust you now, Dan?” I asked, hoping he didn’t realize it was tears coursing down my face, not water from the shower. “How do we go forward from here?”

  His dark eyes were wounded to the core, but Dan pressed his lips together and looked at me. “I would understand if you couldn’t be with me,” he said. “Even though I want nothing more than to be with you, I would understand if you didn’t think you could do it.”

  Naked in front of me, Dan was baring his heart, waiting for me to either take it in my hands or send a sword through it.

  I could do neither.

  “I need some time, Dan,” I said. “And some space.”

  The look on his face made me sob—I couldn’t keep it in.

  “Okay,” he said. “Okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere. But I need you to know how sorry I am to hurt you like this, Blue.”

  I was sorry for hurting him, too, but I couldn’t ignore how betrayed I felt. He’d known this whole time that his brother was the biological father of the baby growing inside me and never told me. I couldn’t help but suspect that he’d been in contact with his brother since I started living with him, updating Jake on the baby’s progress, on how I was doing, and more.

  I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts, trying to banish these horrible feelings from me. The baby kicked in my belly, propelling me to my feet. Yes, we’re going, I told it. We’re out of here.

  Dan watched me, tears running unchecked down his face, as I got dressed. I threw the easiest thing over my head—a sundress—and slipped my feet into my sandals. I didn’t put any makeup on, and I didn’t brush my hair. That meant it would dry frizzy and unmanageable, but I couldn’t make myself care. I just had to get out of there.

  I grabbed my purse and tried to leave the room, but Dan was standing there. I realized he was naked and wondered if he realized it, too. The utter vulnerability killed me. I had to get out of there. He’d cut me to the bone, but I couldn’t stand seeing him hurt another moment.

  “Blue …”

  “Let me go, Dan,” I said. “I can’t stay here.”

  “Please be safe,” he said. “Can I call you later?”

  I shook my head. “I’ll call you.”

  I left the pieces of my heart in that condo, walking out onto the streets of New York without a clue of where to go.

  Chapter Eight

  I wandered for a while, going to a couple of museums that Dan had taken me to. Not being there with him was painful, though, so I couldn’t stick around. I went to the harbor and tried to sketch for a little bit, but my heart wasn’t in it. What was I doing? What was happening? I had an enormous baby in my belly and I didn’t have anywhere to go.

  My phone buzzed in my bag and I took it out, ready to angrily silence it if it were Dan.
I told him not to call me. I told him I’d—

  It was Jake.

  I read the name once, twice, three times just to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. In spite of everything—the baby, Jake ignoring me, Dan—I felt a physical pull somewhere deep inside of me. Jake and I had shared so much passion, and we’d made a baby together. Maybe, if he wanted to, he could be a part of our lives—mine and the baby’s.

  “Hello?”

  “Blue, it’s Jake.” His voice was music to my ears, transporting me back to the nights we’d shared at Mama’s, flirting pleasantly back and forth.

  “I know it’s you, Jake,” I said. “What do you want?”

  I could hear him swallow nervously into the phone. “I wanted to apologize,” he said finally. “I shouldn’t have ignored your calls. I shouldn’t have stopped working at Mama’s. I’m sorry that I left you high and dry—and carrying my baby.”

  “Why are you calling me now, Jake?”

  “I want to man up,” he said. “I’ve been absent for too long. I want to be a part of my baby’s life—and get to know my baby’s mother, too, if it’s all right with her.”

  My miserable heart lifted, even if I didn’t want it to. This was what I’d wanted all this time, wasn’t it? I wanted Jake to get in contact with me, wanted him to be a part of his child’s life. Why didn’t I leap at this opportunity?

  “Can we meet somewhere?” I asked. “Maybe for brunch?”

  “That sounds good,” Jake said. “I know just the place.”

  I took a taxi to the little eatery—one I’d never heard of, let alone been to. He was waiting outside, holding a bouquet of flowers. My heart melted at how beautiful he was—it had been too long. He’d been hitting the gym even harder, it looked like from his tight T-shirt. There couldn’t have been an ounce of fat on that cut body.

  Still, when I looked at him with a discerning eye, I could see the features he had in common with Dan. They shared their dark eyes, dark hair, and gorgeous smile. Beyond there, the similarities ended. Jake was a little shorter than Dan, and stockier because of the muscles. If we were being perfectly honest, he was sexier than Dan, though Dan might have been more genuinely handsome. It was something in the way they both carried each other.