It's All in Your Mind

by Ann Herrick

  "The wedding? Oh. Ha, ha! Good one, Joel!" I babbled. "Well. I'd better be going."

  "Me, too. I don't want dinner to get cold." He tapped the sack of meatball grinders.

  "Right! Ha, ha! Bye!" With that, I hopped in my car and shut the door before I could possibly make myself look any more hysterical. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself until Joel rattled off in his old clunker. I remembered him saying something in math class about paying twenty-five dollars for it because it wouldn't even start. A lot of the guys razzed him, saying he'd thrown his money away. Well, the car wasn't much to look at, but obviously he'd gotten it to run.

  When I got home, Mama and Papa were just sitting down to dinner.

  "Hi, Vija," Mama said. "How was the beach?"

  "The beach? Oh, the beach! Well, um, I discovered there was a Town Fair over in Sachem, so I went there instead. Look at all my prizes!" I held the bag open so Mama and Papa could see.

  "You won all that?" Papa asked.

  "I ... er ... it's all mine!"

  "Congratulations," said Mama. "Now wash your hands. We were just getting ready to start dinner without you."

  "Oh. Dinner. Gee. I'm not all that hungry."

  "Not hungry?" Dad's eyebrows shot up. "But it's sausage and sauerkraut night!"

  "I had a lot to eat at the fair."

  "I see," Mama said.

  I couldn't quite read the look on her face. Was she suspicious? Did she somehow know I'd been with a guy, that'd we'd kissed? How could she know!

  "Well, I hope you didn't waste a lot of money. It's hard enough to come by."

  I gulped. I certainly couldn't tell her I hadn't spent anything at all, that Nolan had paid for everything. Then she'd want to ask about Nolan, and, though I knew all I needed to know for now, I wouldn't have all the answers. "I didn't spend much. Really. Um, I'm kind of ... sweaty. I'm going to take a shower."

  "We'll save you some sausage for tomorrow," Papa said. "You can have a sausage sandwich!"

  "Thanks, Papa." I had to smile at his concern that I get a share of the sausage. Up in my room, I tried to decide where to put all the prizes Nolan had won for me. I wasn't going to take down any of my ceramic horses from the shelf. I'd worked hard to save up to buy them, and I cherished each one. I'd started collecting them once I'd reached the point where I realized I'd never get the real horse that I wanted. I eventually understood that not only could we not afford to buy or feed a horse, but that we had no place to keep one.

  I decided, finally, to put some of the prizes on my window sill. The stuffed animals I placed on my bed. I took off the diamond ring and put it in a small wooden box for special belongings that I kept in my dresser. The old coins, pretty rocks, preserved flowers and such suddenly didn't look so special next to the ring. I picked up the "diamond" and slipped it on my finger for a moment, then placed it back in the box.

  It was still early after I showered. I thought about calling Nolan, but then I remembered he was singing up in Hartford. I wished he had invited me to go with him, even though I would have had to say no. Hartford was just too far away. I'd get home much too late. But he ... he probably thought I'd be lonely just sitting by myself in the audience while he was performing.

  I decided to call Caprice and tell her all about my day with Nolan. When her mother answered the phone, I could hear music and laughter in the background. Mrs. Moreau was always having parties. Caprice's home life was so much more colorful than mine.

  "Hi, Mrs. Moreau. This is Vija, may I speak to Caprice?"

  "Oh, hello, Vija, how are you? I'm sorry, Caprice is working tonight." The party noise grew louder, and Mrs. Moreau raised her voice. "She doesn't get off until nine! Shall I have her call you?"

  "No, that's okay," I said. "Thanks, anyway."

  "Au revoir!" said Mrs. Moreau, and then there was a click.

  I checked my watch. I figured Caprice would have a break soon, so I hurriedly dressed, slipped the diamond ring on my finger and rushed downstairs. Mama and Papa were in the living room. Mama was crocheting a sweater for a neighbor's baby and Papa was rewiring the floor lamp next to his favorite chair. Many times they'd told me, "Idle hands are the devil's playground," and they lived by that motto. I hid my hands behind my back to hide my ring. "I'm going over to Shopsave to see Caprice."

  Dad glanced up from his rewiring job. "Okay. Say hello to her for us."

  "Just don't stay out too late," Mama said.

  I let out a loud sigh. "Yes, Mama."

  Mom shot me a don't-give-me-that-tone-of-voice look, but she didn't say anything. I flashed a big smile as I left. Once, in rare moment of brotherly advice that was actually useful, Karl told me that a smile went a long way with Mama. Of course, I think his boyishly charming smile worked better than my tight-lipped version, and he knew better than to let out a sigh of exasperation in the first place. But my smile worked reasonably well for me when I remembered to use it.

  It was such a sultry evening that I decided to walk to Shopsave. As I walked, a few questions started to nag at me about Nolan. Nothing major, and more about me, I suppose, than him. I was so ignorant about relationships with guys, since I'd never really had one. I just needed Caprice to ... reassure me that ... that everything was okay, that I really shouldn't be bothered by stuff like Nolan talking about old girlfriends, for example. I mean, I was sure there was really no reason to worry. As Nolan said, I probably was just too sensitive.

  I slowed my steps when I saw the red neon glow of the Shopsave sign. Tiny pellets of sweat trickled down my forehead. I took a deep breath and wiped off the sweat with the back of my hand. Just because I'd never talked to Caprice about a guy before was no reason to be nervous.

  I marched inside. The sudden hit of air-conditioning turned my arms to shafts of goosebumps. I affected a casual manner as I scanned the check-out counters searching for Caprice. I spotted her at number five. I wondered if I should buy something and go through her line as an excuse to talk to her, or just go to the end of her counter. I decided to go to her counter. If it looked as if she couldn't talk, I could always find something to buy.

  I got there just as Caprice was counting out change to Mrs. Kowalsky, our sixth grade teacher. Mrs. Kowalsky saw me and said, "Well, hello, Vija. Two former students in one night!"

  "Hi, Mrs. Kowalsky." It amazed me that she recognized us.

  "You girls, take care now!"

  Caprice and I nodded. "Goodbye." It was the perfect opportunity for me to say something to Caprice. "I'd like to talk to you."

  She looked at her watch. "Perfect timing. My break's in ten minutes. Meet me around by the back door."

  "Great. Thanks!" I went to the magazine aisle and browsed through Photoplay for a few minutes. I gazed at a color picture of James Garner in his "Maverick" outfit. He was so handsome. I quickly flipped past the photos from Some Like It Hot of Marilyn Monroe sitting on the edge of a train berth in nothing but a black negligee. By then it was almost time to meet Caprice.

  I went outside and walked around back. When I got there, Caprice was leaning against the wall sneaking a smoke.

  "I thought you were trying to quit smoking," I said.

  "I was. But the manager's been a complete crab tonight. I need to cool it before I explode."

  Having never smoked I was not sure how lighting something and sticking in your mouth relieved stress, but that was none of my business. I wanted to talk about Nolan, if I could just get up my nerve.

  "So, what happened with you and Nolan?" Caprice asked. "Are you gonna go out with him?" She exhaled and blew three smoke rings into the air.

  I watched them drift, expand, and disappear. "Actually," I said as the last smoke ring vanished, "I already did."

  "You did?" Caprice's eyebrows inched up, as if she didn't believe me.

  "Yes. We had coffee at Nicki's, then went to the Sachem Town Fair," I said nonchalantly. "We spent the entire afternoon together."

  "Really?" Caprice tried to sound skeptical, but I detected a trace
of envy in her voice.

  All my doubts and nagging questions flew right out of my head. Caprice, jealous of me. Imagine! "Yes. Really."

  "So how come you're not with him now?" Caprice's eyes narrowed to slits.

  "He's performing up in Hartford tonight." Then, before Caprice could ask any more questions, it occurred to me to hold out my hand and flash the big "diamond" ring under Caprice's nose. "By the way, Nolan gave me this."

  "A toy ring?" Caprice snorted, trying to dismiss the significance. "Cute."

  "Of course, at this point Nolan can't afford a real diamond. It's sort of a ... friendship ring." I tossed off a small laugh, amazed at my sudden ability to think on my feet. "Kind of a private thing just between the two of us."

  "You sly thing. I didn't realize you were such a fast mover." Caprice was being sarcastic, but there was a touch of admiration mixed in there too.

  I feigned a modest look, then blew on my nails and rubbed them on my shirt, the way we did in sixth grade when we did something we thought was great.

  Caprice laughed. "Well, time's up. Thanks for stopping by with your big news. It was a nice break from work."

  "Glad I could be of service," I joked. I could see that Caprice was trying to act as if my news really was nothing more than just "a nice break from work." But she was impressed!

  Whatever tiny doubts and questions I might have had about Nolan no longer mattered. Caprice was envious, I could tell, and she knew a lot about guys. Besides, the magic of my emotions with him, how he made me feel excited and nervous and goosebumpy—things I'd always wanted to feel—that's what counted.

  Chapter Four

  The next morning I was thrilled when there was no mention of Papa needing me to work with him. The entire day stretched out before me, and I could imagine Nolan calling to whisk me away on another adventure. Because that, I decided, was what going to the fair with him had been. Life with him would be one long adventure. Not that we'd committed to a life together. Of course not. But I could dream, couldn't I?

  "Vija. I said, 'Would you please pass the tea?'" Papa said.

  "Hmm? Oh, sure." I passed the warm sweetened caraway tea that we used to pour over a ripe rye bread cut into small pieces coated with honey and pressed red currants. Maybe Nolan and I could go to the beach or the state park or—

  The phone rang. Oh, no! It was so early, it had to be one of Dad's customers wanting some extra work done. If only I could make myself disappear!

  Mom answered the phone by the second ring. "Of course," she said. "Just a moment." She put her hand over the mouthpiece. "Vija. It's for you."

  For me? Holy moly! It must be Nolan. I tried to look oh-so-casual as I stood and walked over to the phone. Mama handed me the receiver. I turned and pretended to look out the back door at a squirrel, so Mama and Papa would not see the slow secret smile spreading across my face. I took a deep breath and quietly let it out. "Hello."

  "Vija, I'm sorry to call you so early. But my assistant is sick, so I have to be at the store by nine o'clock. I need to you to babysit this morning."

  My heart plummeted. It was Mrs. Kukk. She had three boys, ages four, six, and eight, and they all had energy to spare. But I could not turn her down. For one thing, she was good friends with my folks, and a widow, and therefore it was practically an obligation to help her by babysitting. For another thing, she owned the store where I bought my ceramic horses, and she was nice to me, allowing me to buy on layaway, no matter how long I took to pay. "What time?"

  "Eight-thirty. That'll give me time to be ready to open by nine."

  "I'll be there," I said, trying to sound a lot more eager than I felt. I hung up the phone and said, "I'll be babysitting for Mrs. Kukk. I have to be there at eight-thirty."

  "Mrs. Kukk is such a lovely woman," Mama said. "And her boys are so sweet."

  "Um. Yes." I could agree about Mrs. Kukk, but Mama had never had to babysit those three breathing tornadoes. Maybe I would take them to the park and let them burn off some of their energy there.

  As soon as I finished breakfast, I hurried upstairs and dressed in my most rugged shorts and sneakers, so I could keep up with the Kukk kids. I wove my hair into a single braid, then slid on a touch of Baby Pink lipstick to remind myself that even though I'd be draped in three ruffian boys all day, I was still female.

  I had my hand on my bedroom doorknob, when the phone rang. Maybe it was Mrs. Kukk, to tell me that her assistant could work after all and she didn't need me! I jumped across the bed and answered the phone in the middle of the second ring. "Hello!"

  "Hi, Vija." That smooth, low voice was not Mrs. Kukk. It was Nolan.

  "H-h-hello." No-o-o-o! I already said that!

  "Hey, I thought we could hang out at Hammonassett Beach today."

  For one brief ecstatic moment, I was in orbit. Hang out at the beach with Nolan! What bliss! Then my memory was restored, and I realized I couldn't. I was royally shafted! "Oh, Nolan. I'd lo-o-ove to go to the beach with you." I strung out the word love, so he'd realize how much I really wanted to go. Playing hard to get was just not in my system. "But I have to babysit."

  "Can't you get out of it?"

  Get out of it? Could I get out of it? No, not if I wanted to keep a roof over my head. "I wish I could. But I can't."

  Silence drifted through the receiver. I felt I had to fill the void. "It's for Mrs. Kukk, a friend of my folks, and I said I'd do it, and, well, I just have to." Hoping for a bit of sympathy, I added, "I'll be spending the day chasing three brats around the playground at the park in the hot sun." I felt kind of guilty using the word "brats," because they weren't really. They were just super energetic. But I was desperate.

  "I see." I couldn't tell if Nolan was disappointed, or irritated.

  "Another day, maybe?" I boldly suggested.

  "I don't like to plan too far ahead," Nolan said.

  That was pretty vague. But it wasn't a no, either! "Okay ... well, then ...." I glanced at the clock. I didn't have much time. "Um, I have to get going soon."

  "Don't work too hard," Nolan said cheerfully, and then he hung up. I guess that was his way of saying good-bye. But I didn't have much time to think about it. I finished getting ready, then blasted off for Mrs. Kukk's house. Since it was only a couple blocks away, I walked, well, practically ran, instead of driving.

  Mrs. Kukk greeted me at the door. "Ah, Vija! You're just in time. The boys have had breakfast. They are supposed to be brushing their teeth. There's plenty in the refrigerator for snacks and lunch. Have whatever you'd like. The boys will be happy with whatever you give them. I must run. See you a little after five!" With that, she trotted down the stairs, hopped in the car, and drove off.

  I gathered my strength and headed off to the bathroom, where I found Brendan, Daniel and Stefan elbowing each other in order to be first to spit into the sink.

  "Good morning, boys!"

  "Hi, Vija," the boys said all at the same time, as they flashed their toothpaste-filled smiles.

  Three spits, a tumble of arms and legs, and a quickly packed bag of snacks later I corralled the boys so I could take them to the park. I figured, let them wear themselves out on the playground. It was like herding kittens, trying to keep them on the sidewalk and headed in the right direction. They didn't walk. They hopped, skipped, jumped, and somersaulted. Every leaf, every twig, every pebble was a distraction. But eventually we got there.

  As soon as their little sneakers hit the grass, Brendan, Daniel and Stephan moved as one toward the jungle gym. They scurried to the highest reaches, then swung upside down by their knees. I hovered close by in case one of them fell, though none of them ever had. Just as their faces turned purple from being upside down, they climbed down and raced toward the swings. "Push us, Vija," the yelled in unison.

  I went from one to the other to the other, pushing as hard as I could as they all screamed, "Higher!" No matter how hard I pushed or how high they went, it was never enough. I pictured them sailing in a complete circle over the t
op of the swing set and back again, and still begging to go higher.

  When they'd had enough, they leapt off as the swings swung forward, and checked their heel prints in the dirt to see who had flown the farthest. After much debate, it was decided that Brendan had won by an inch. Their faces bright pink and glistening with sweat, they announced, "We're thirsty!" and dashed off to the drinking fountain. They went through three rounds of taking turns gulping water and wiping their mouths and foreheads with the backs of their hands. Then, "We're hungry!"

  I scooted them over to a picnic table, opened the brown paper bag, and pulled out the peanut butter and cracker "sandwiches" wrapped in wax paper. The boys devoured them in an instant, then were thirsty again. As soon as they'd gulped a few more gallons of water, they returned for the piece of waxed paper and ran over to the slide. They took turns sitting on the waxed paper, which had them zooming down the slide as fast as a blink. The challenge was to land on their feet. Brendan and Daniel managed to do so most of the time, but more often than not little Stephan landed on his bottom, which he carefully dusted off each time before he tried again.

  I noticed signs that they were starting to droop. It took longer to climb up the slide. Their whoops of enthusiasm faded. Before long I'd have to herd them back home. I wished I'd packed a lunch. It was such a beautiful day, and it would've been nice to picnic under one of the huge maple trees.

  I was about to round up the boys, when I heard a roaring din, and what sounded like my name. The roaring stopped, but I heard my name again, louder this time. I looked around, then took in a quick, sharp breath. It was Nolan! He was walking away from his motorcycle, carrying a flat box perched on one hand.

  "Vija!" Nolan presented the box to me, with a sweeping bow. "For you."

  "It's a ... a pizza!" I was dizzy with glee and surprise.

  "Pepperoni. I hope that's okay."

  "It's more than okay—it's really cool. How ... where ...?"

  "You said you'd be taking the boys to the playground at the park. I found the park easy enough, but I had to keep asking people if they'd seen you. Of course, most everyone had noticed you and the three boys, so they pointed me in the right direction. They couldn't believe it when I told them I was bringing you lunch! They said how lucky you were."