by Maria Duffy
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Josh. How are you, son? You were just on my mind so I thought I’d give you a call.’
‘I’m fine. All good here.’ His eyes were drawn to the bills in front of him but she didn’t need to know how bad things were.
‘Now listen, Josh. I can tell things aren’t fine so why don’t you tell me what’s up.’
He sighed. ‘It’s nothing for you to worry about, Mum. I just have a lot on, between Stephanie, the baby and other stuff.’
‘Other stuff meaning Holly?’
Nothing got past her. ‘She’s one of the things, yes. But she’s not my main worry at the moment.’
‘Well, then tell me what is. How can I help?’
He looked at the mess of figures in front of him and was tempted to confide in her. He didn’t want Stephanie worried about it and it wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with any of his friends. Sometimes he felt that he’d explode from the worries he was keeping bottled up in his head.
‘Josh? There’s nothing you can’t tell me. I’ve been your mother since you were born so I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly.’
Josh laughed at that before becoming serious. ‘I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the moment, Mum. With the baby and everything. I want to make sure nothing goes wrong.’
‘That’s understandable. Of course you’re going to be worried. But everything is going okay with the pregnancy, isn’t it?’
Josh sat back in the chair, gauging how much he wanted to tell her. ‘I think so. I mean, medically everything seems to be fine. But Stephanie hasn’t been herself lately.’
‘How so?’
‘She’s moody and snappy. And she’s going out partying a lot, which couldn’t be good for the baby.’
‘Is that all?’
That wasn’t the response he’d expected. ‘But don’t you think she should be taking it easy? Looking after herself instead of being out until all hours?’
‘Josh, love, I know you’re just looking out for her, but there’s no harm in her having a bit of fun before the baby is born. Because, mark my words, with a little one in the house, you’ll both be more interested in getting a bit of sleep than going out partying.’
‘I suppose so,’ said Josh, not convinced. ‘But the moods, the fieriness – sometimes I feel like she doesn’t even like me.’
‘It’ll be her hormones. They can play havoc with a woman’s moods. Honestly, Josh. I think you have yourself worked up about nothing.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Is there something else?’
He needed to tell someone. ‘I’m worried about finances, Mum. I want to provide for my family but with Stephanie not working much at the moment, my salary alone just isn’t enough.’
‘How bad is it? Are you in debt?’
‘No, not at the moment. But with the baby coming there’s going to be so much we need. I’m just wondering where the money is going to come from.’
‘I can help out a little, Josh. But I’m not sure it will be enough to make much of a difference.’
‘Oh God, Mum. I wasn’t looking for a handout. I’d never take money from you. But thanks anyway.’
‘Well, the offer is there. And would you not think of taking a little part-time job somewhere yourself? You teachers have a lot of free time so maybe something in the evenings or at weekends?’
Josh hated when people suggested that teachers worked less than average but maybe she had a point. ‘That’s not entirely a bad idea. Maybe I could check out the local pub. I used to love being a barman in my college days.’
‘Well, there you go then. They’re bound to be looking for help coming up to Christmas. And with the tips barmen get, you could have a nice little extra packet for when the baby arrives.’
Josh felt a little brighter. ‘Thanks, Mum. You really are a treasure.’
‘Go away out of that, Josh. Now, I’ll have to love you and leave you. I’m due over to Molly Sherwood’s in an hour and a half. She’s making tea for the bridge club and I’ve promised her an apple pie, which I haven’t even started.’
Josh said goodbye and quickly gathered up the papers from the table. He didn’t want Stephanie coming home to find them there. When he had them safely put away in a drawer, he decided there was no time like the present. He was buoyed up by the conversation with his mother so he was going to head straight down to O’Malley’s and see if they could give him some bar work. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. His mood had lifted as he walked out towards the main road. Christmas was just three weeks from Friday and he couldn’t wait. He and Stephanie were going shopping on Saturday and he wasn’t going to let their money troubles spoil that. He’d keep an eye on what they were spending but a little extra on the credit card wouldn’t hurt. He knew he’d stress about it in January but there was no way he was being too much of a scrooge at Christmas.
Minutes later he stepped inside the door of O’Malley’s. The décor was modern but still felt warm and welcoming. The seats were all red leather and the tables had a lovely oak finish. Stephanie wasn’t keen on ordinary pubs, preferring the loud disco bar type places she frequented in the city centre, but he’d take her down here some evening and see what she thought. There was just a scattering of people sitting around but no customers at the bar, so he headed straight there.
‘Can I speak to the manager?’ he said, trying not to feel old.
The barman, who looked about twelve, eyed him suspiciously. ‘What for?’
Lovely customer service. ‘I just want a word with him, that’s all. I won’t keep him long.’
He considered Josh’s request for a moment before replying. ‘He’s not here.’
‘When will he be back then?’
‘Not today.’
‘Well, can I speak to whoever is in charge?’
The barman continued wiping a glass with a tea-towel while keeping his eyes fixed on Josh. ‘You can talk to me.’
Josh sighed. He really didn’t want to ask somebody who looked like one of his sixth-class boys for a job. But on the other hand, he didn’t have anything to lose. ‘I was just wondering if they’re looking for casual staff here. You know, with Christmas and everything.’
‘Nah. There’s enough of us here.’
‘Do you know that for a fact? Maybe if I leave my name and details you could pass them on to the manager when he comes back?’
The barman shrugged. ‘Sure.’
He pulled out a scrap of paper from beside the till and handed Josh a pen from behind his ear. Josh wrote down his details, but he felt sure that as soon as he headed out the door, the barman would have the piece of paper ripped up into little pieces and in the bin. He sighed and decided that if he didn’t hear from anyone in the next few days, he’d just try again.
He noticed the pub starting to fill up as he was leaving and he suddenly felt envious of the groups coming from work, popping in for a sneaky pint on the way home. They didn’t do much of that at school, firstly because they finished at around three, which was pretty early, and secondly because a lot of the staff were much older than Josh and they just weren’t interested. He had an urge to stay for a pint himself, but he didn’t want to look pathetic on his own – or, worse still, to look like he’d been stood up. So he pulled his coat up tight around his neck and reluctantly headed outside to the bitter cold.
But as he stepped outside, he bumped straight into a girl walking past, and her phone fell from her hands and shattered on the ground.
‘Oh God, I’m sorry,’ he said, bending down to pick up the broken phone. ‘I didn’t see you there.’
He picked up the pieces and stood up to hand them to her. But she was glued to the spot, staring at him. Josh was completely taken aback when he saw who it was. He handed her the broken phone wordlessly and there was a moment, a fleeting moment when their hands touched, that he felt that connection. The one they used to have. The one he’d thought they’d have forever. And then, in a flash, the spe
ll was broken by her angry words.
‘Nice one, Josh. That was a brand new iPhone, you know.’
‘I’m so sorry, Holly. I’ll pay for the repairs.’ He didn’t know what else to say.
Her voice softened a little. ‘It’s okay. It’s insured. David insisted I take out insurance when he bought it for me, just in case.’
Josh nodded. ‘Very sensible. Are you just coming from work now?’
‘Yep. Finished at six today so I’m looking forward to getting home, getting into my pyjamas and having a massive bowl of crisps while watching Coronation Street.’
He laughed. ‘You still watch that, do you? And still with the crisps? I remember when –’ He stopped himself from saying any more when he saw the look on her face. It was as though she was warning him not to go there. He suddenly felt awkward. As though he was speaking to a stranger. Except she wasn’t a stranger. She was Holly Russo. The girl he used to love.
‘How’s Stephanie?’ she said, changing the tone of the conversation. ‘Is she keeping well?’
‘She’s fine.’ Another pause. ‘And David?’
‘Fine.’
This was ridiculous. They needed to get over the awkwardness if they were going to be living across from each other. It was painful trying to think about what to say and what not to say at the same time. They needed to have a proper talk. Clear the air and move on with their lives.
‘Holly?’
‘Yes?’
‘Why don’t we go in and have a drink.’
She looked startled. ‘I … I’m not sure. I don’t know if I want –’
‘Just one drink. A half an hour, tops. Let’s have a proper chat and maybe then things won’t be so difficult when we meet.’
She nodded in agreement and Josh felt a shiver run down his spine. He opened the door and waved her inside. As he followed her in, he felt strange and he wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing. He felt nervous, yet excited. Elated to be in her company again, yet sad at the same time. The young barman looked at him questioningly as they approached the bar but, at that moment, Josh couldn’t have cared less about the job. He ordered drinks and the barman said he’d bring them over, so they took a seat at the back of the pub. And suddenly Josh realised that he’d just ordered out of habit. He hadn’t asked her what she wanted and she hadn’t even noticed. Old habits die hard and Josh was beginning to wonder if Holly was a habit that he just wasn’t going to be able to kick.
Chapter 21
Holly felt like she was in some sort of time warp. She was actually sitting there in a pub with Josh O’Toole. Just the two of them. Her head was spinning and she wasn’t sure how she felt. She’d promised Carina that she was going to leave things and not get into a conversation with him about the past but it was going to be pretty difficult to avoid it. Fancy bumping into him like that. Of all the people. She knew she probably should have just passed a couple of words with him and headed on home but she hadn’t been able to get the words out of her mouth and then her legs had refused to move. They busied themselves taking off coats and scarves while waiting for their drinks and Holly couldn’t resist a sneaky glance at Josh. He’d barely changed at all except for a few more worry lines around his eyes. And his slight beard and moustache gave him a more distinguished look. Other than that, he looked just like the old Josh. The one she used to love.
‘Here we go,’ said the barman, placing the drinks in front of them. ‘A pint of cider and a pint of Guinness.’
‘You remembered,’ she said, her voice barely a whisper.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume …’
She shook her head. ‘No, it’s perfect. Some things never change. So tell me. What were you doing in here on your own? Having a sneaky little pint before going home to the pregnant missus?’ Shit. Why had she said that? Every time she tried to be funny it came out all wrong. But thankfully he didn’t seem to take offence.
‘Nothing as exciting as that. I was actually asking about a job.’
‘But I thought you were working in a school?’
‘I am. But you know how it is. With a baby on the way, there’s never enough money. I’m just trying to pull in some extra cash before the big event.’
‘What about Stephanie? Is she not doing any work these days?’ She couldn’t help herself.
He shook his head. ‘A bit here and there but nothing concrete. It’s a difficult business, especially with her being pregnant. And I want her to rest as much as possible.’
Holly was about to point out that his girlfriend was pregnant, not sick, but she bit her tongue and stopped herself. Instead, she lifted her pint to her lips and took a lingering sip.
‘I can’t complain, really,’ he said, his eyes fixed on Holly. ‘Steph has brought in plenty of money in the past with some high-profile jobs and she will again. But the most important thing now is that she stays well during the pregnancy.’
Holly wasn’t sure what to say to that so instead she changed the subject. ‘David and I have booked our wedding. We just finalised a few things yesterday.’
‘Oh, congratulations,’ he said, playing with a beermat. ‘It must be very exciting for you.’
Holly thought she noticed his face fall – just a very quick expression before he smiled. But why would he care when he was obviously totally in love with Stephanie and they were going to have a baby together?
Suddenly he banged his pint down, sending splashes across the table, and Holly jumped in fright. ‘Josh, what was that for?’
‘Because we’re being silly. Because we’re acting like two awkward teenagers who are on a first date and don’t know what to say to each other. Because it shouldn’t be like this.’
For a moment Holly was stunned, and then she began to giggle. ‘You’re right. I never thought I’d find speaking to you so difficult.’
‘Let’s start again then, shall we? We’re adults now, Holly. We should be able to put the past aside and get along. Who knows, we might even be friends again someday.’
It all still felt surreal but she nodded. It would certainly make life a lot easier if they could get rid of the awkwardness.
‘So how are your parents?’ he continued. ‘Are they still in the house in Kildare?’
‘Yep. And they’re doing fine. Dad turned seventy in the summer and Mam will be seventy next year. Thankfully they’re in good health and still getting away for holidays in the sun and weekends in Ireland. What about yours?’
‘Mam is okay. A bit lonely, though. Dad passed away a few years ago.’
‘Oh no, Josh. I’m so sorry. I … I didn’t know.’
‘Of course you didn’t. How could you?’
She shook her head. ‘I always loved your father. He was a real gentleman.’ She felt tears prick her eyes but she tried valiantly to stem them. It was Josh’s grief, not hers, and she didn’t feel entitled to express her feelings.
Josh was watching her. ‘And he loved you too, Holly. He was almost as heartbroken as me when … well, you know …’
Her grief suddenly turned to anger. Josh heartbroken? How could he say that? She was the one left heartbroken. It was her heartbreak, not his. He was the one who’d caused it. But how could she say that to him when he was telling her about losing his dad. It wasn’t the right time.
‘So what happened to him? Was it sudden?’
‘No, we knew it was coming, but I think you’re still never prepared for it. He had bowel cancer.’ He dropped his head and her anger dissipated immediately. She badly wanted to reach over and touch his hair. Rub his head like she used to. She knew it would give him comfort, just like it had in the past, but she couldn’t do it. He wasn’t hers any more. She noticed then that his hand was clutching his stomach and suddenly felt alarmed.
‘Are you okay, Josh? What’s wrong?’
His head shot up. ‘Nothing. Why?’
‘You were holding your stomach like you were in pain.’
‘No, I wasn’t,’ he said, a little too quickly. His ea
rlobes turned bright pink and Holly could see a rash start to form on his neck, creeping up towards his face. She couldn’t help smiling.
He glared at her. ‘What are you smiling at?’
‘Just memories,’ she said, and suddenly she felt more relaxed with him. ‘I remember how you used to get that rash when you told a lie.’
‘What rash?’ His hand went automatically to his neck.
‘That one right there!’ She laughed and he seemed to relax a little too. ‘So what’s really up with you, Josh?’
‘Everything is fine,’ he said, not looking her in the eye, and she knew then for sure he was lying.
‘Josh?’ She wasn’t sure how much to push it. He was nothing to her any more.
But he looked at her then, his face tired and his shoulders slumped. ‘I’m worried that I could have it too, Holly.’
‘What? Have what?’
‘Cancer. What my dad had. I think I could have bowel cancer.’
It took a moment for the words to sink in, and when they did, they filled her with panic. ‘I … I don’t know what to say, Josh. And what do you mean, you think? Are you waiting for results or something?’
Having ripped one beermat to shreds, he moved on to another and Holly fought the urge to put her hand over his to get him to stop. ‘Josh, speak to me. What’s going on?’
‘I’m such an idiot, Holly. I haven’t gone to the doctor about it yet. I know I should, but I just keep putting it off.’
She felt immediately relieved, but confused at the same time. ‘Hang on, so you haven’t been told you might have cancer? This is just you putting two and two together and making five?’
‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘Well, explain it to me then. Why are you thinking the worst?’
He looked at her with sad eyes. He’d always had such expressive eyes that he could say a thousand words without opening his mouth. It took him a moment to speak, but when he did, it was like he’d opened a floodgate and couldn’t stop.
‘I’ve been getting these pains. On and off for the last few months. Right down here.’ He put a hand on the lower part of his stomach. ‘I didn’t think much of it at first, but they’ve been coming more frequently lately and, with my dad’s history, I can’t help worrying.’
