by Maria Duffy
‘The one where you’d get married in the snow in a castle on a hill?’
‘That’s the one.’ Holly had confided her dream wedding to Milly one day in work and had confessed that her planned summer wedding to David wasn’t filling her full of joy. ‘We left school in 2000, but by the following January, everything had changed.’
‘Changed how?’
‘I got pregnant.’
Milly’s mouth gaped. ‘What? Wow! What happened?’
‘It was a shock at first, but then we accepted it. It was just another part of our journey. It wasn’t going to be easy, but we had a lot of support from our families, so I was going to have the baby. We were going to be parents.’
Milly’s eyes were wide. ‘Go on.’
‘But in May that year, when I was around twenty weeks pregnant, I went into early labour. There was nothing they could do.’ Her voice caught in her throat but she continued. ‘It was a girl. Lara. She was stillborn.’
‘Oh, Holly.’ Milly reached across the table and gripped Holly’s hand. ‘That’s so sad. I can’t believe you went through all that. You and Josh. So is that what caused you to split up in the end? They say that tragedies can either bring a couple closer together or tear them apart.’
Holly shook her head. ‘No, we were okay after that. It took me ages to lift myself out of the depression and start to live again, but with Josh’s help, I got better. And we were stronger than ever. You don’t go through something like that and not develop a bond. We were united in our grief and we felt nobody could understand how we felt except each other.’
Neither Holly nor Milly spoke for a few moments, both lost in thought. It was painful for Holly to talk about her daughter. But it was also good. It was good to share what had happened. To be able to talk about it to somebody. Her family never spoke about it, hoping she would have forgotten in time and not wanting to remind her. But of course Holly had never forgotten, nor would she ever want to. Lara was her daughter and although she’d never taken a breath in this world, Holly had loved her and always would.
‘So do you want to go on?’ Milly’s voice was barely a whisper as she blew her nose and wiped her eyes. ‘Do you want to tell me what split you two up in the end?’
Holly nodded. ‘It was more than a year later. August of 2002. Josh had been acting strange for a couple of days. Cancelling our dates and not answering my calls. It was so unlike him that I began to worry. And as it turned out, I was right. He arrived at my house one night, all teary-eyed and upset. And that was it. He said it was over.’
‘No way! Why? What did he say?’
‘He just said that he’d been thinking about it and, although he still loved me, he thought that maybe we should have some time apart. I asked him how long, thinking at first he meant a couple of weeks or something, and that’s when he said he thought we should split up. He said that we’d spent our whole lives together and we both needed to go out into the world and experience other things, other people.’
‘God, I can’t even imagine how you must have felt. What did you say to that?’
‘I pleaded with him of course,’ said Holly, remembering the scene. ‘I asked him what had made him think that way. What I’d done. But he said that he’d been thinking about it for a while and he just hadn’t known how to speak to me about it. He said he knew I wanted to travel and that he was holding me back because he still had a few years of teaching college to do. I said I’d wait for him – I didn’t want to travel unless he was with me – but he told me to go. He said I should broaden my horizons, travel the world, be the person I’d always wanted to be.’
‘So there was just no changing his mind?’
‘There was nothing I could have said. I tried everything, but his mind was made up. He said we shouldn’t stay in touch because it would be too painful. He said maybe in years to come we could get in touch again, but right at that time, it wasn’t a good idea.’
‘You must have been devastated. So what happened after that?’
‘That was it. He went, and I never saw him again. Until he moved into the house across the street a few weeks ago.’
‘And did you go travelling in the end?’
‘Yes. A while later. I waited for him, convinced he’d knock at my door and tell me he’d made a huge mistake. But he didn’t, and I decided to get out of the country and try to kick-start my life again. I went to Australia with a friend and spent a year travelling around. And when I came back, I was determined to meet my Mr Right and put Josh firmly out of my head. So I kissed a lot of frogs, until David came along, and the rest is history.’
Milly sat back in her chair and shook her head. ‘That’s unbelievable. So what happens now? What are you going to say to Josh?’
Holly thought for a moment. ‘I’m going to tell him how hurt I was and to find out once and for all what happened. I want to know why he had a sudden change of heart about me. I’ve always wondered if he’d found someone else and didn’t know how to tell me or if he’d just gone off me.’
‘And after that?’
Holly shrugged. ‘After that, we’ll see. I love him, Milly. I’ve never stopped loving him. And if I’m being really honest, if I thought there was a chance of us being together I might just take that chance.’
‘Even with David and Stephanie in the picture?’
‘I don’t want to hurt anyone, Milly. And I know I’d be throwing away the possibility of a lovely life with David. But seeing Josh again has made me realise that maybe lovely isn’t enough. I want my heart to beat out of my chest when I look at my partner. I want my knees to turn to jelly in anticipation of his touch. I can’t help how I feel. And if I’m reading things correctly, I think maybe Josh feels the same way too.’
Chapter 32
‘Bye, love,’ said Josh, kissing Stephanie on the lips. ‘I won’t be long – two hours maximum – and I’ll pick us up something for dinner on the way home.’
He slung his gym bag over his shoulder and headed out to the car. He felt awful lying to her – he was the very one who condemned lies in a relationship – but he just didn’t want to hurt her. Things were beginning to look up for them. Josh had received a cheque from the tax office the previous day and it was enough to keep them going for another while. He’d think again about a second job once Christmas was over. He was feeling good about his relationship with Stephanie now too. They seemed to have turned a corner and he was committed to her and the baby. They’d promised each other honesty and openness in their relationship and, after today, he wasn’t going to keep anything from her.
A few minutes later, he’d parked on the main street just a bit down from O’Malley’s and was heading inside to meet Holly. It was pretty quiet so he spotted her immediately. She was sitting at a corner table down the back, a pint of cider in front of her and a pint of Guinness ready for him. He went over to join her and, although he was driving, he couldn’t resist taking a slug of the drink before speaking.
‘Thanks for this,’ he said, taking off his jacket and sliding into the seat beside her. He could smell her perfume. The Body Shop White Musk. It was the one she’d always worn when they’d been together and he closed his eyes for a moment as it brought him back to the past.
‘Are you okay, Josh?’
He opened his eyes quickly. ‘Yes, sorry. It was just the … never mind. So how are you?’
‘I’m okay,’ she said, sipping her pint. ‘You said you wanted to talk?’
He nodded. ‘Yes, I think we need to clear the air, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’
She held his gaze until he was forced to look away. He knew she’d be able to read his eyes. Read what was in his heart. And he didn’t want that. He was going to do the right thing. They sat in silence until she spoke again.
‘Is everything okay with you and Stephanie?’
That took him by surprise. ‘Yes. Why do you ask?’
She shrugged. ‘I just get the feeling that … that maybe things aren’t too go
od between you two.’
‘Everything is fine. We have a few issues, but who hasn’t?’
‘Josh,’ she said, putting a hand over his, ‘you can talk to me, you know. As you said yourself, I’m a good listener.’
Her touch was like a bolt of electricity shooting through him and he could barely get the words out. ‘You’re right, Holly. Things have been a bit strained between Steph and me lately.’
‘Any particular reason?’ She was watching him carefully.
He knew what she was thinking and he needed her to stop. ‘It’s not because of us.’
‘Oh, I wasn’t … I mean …’ She flushed bright red and Josh was quick to reassure her.
* * *
‘What I should have said was that there’s been a strain on our relationship since well before we moved onto the street. Some of her friends, and I use the term friends lightly, have been putting ideas into her head and it’s causing tension between us.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
Her hand was still on his and he couldn’t think straight. He wanted to tell her all of it. To tell her about Stephanie’s wild nights. About her smoking joints. About the wrong dates on the scan. He wanted to spill it all out and have Holly put her arms around him and tell him it would be all right. He’d had this crazy notion that maybe something might happen between him and Holly. But now he knew where he needed to place his loyalties.
‘Josh?’
‘I actually had a good chat with Stephanie about things last night. It was great to clear the air and we’ve agreed now that we’re going to make a fresh start. Onwards and upwards.’
Holly subtly moved her hand away from his. ‘That’s good. I’m very happy for you both. So there’s no drama then?’
‘No, thankfully. But I don’t want to talk about me and Stephanie any more, Holly. I want to talk about us.’
‘Us?’ Her eyes glistened as she looked at him.
‘Yes, us. I want to talk about what happened back then.’
She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out.
‘Just say it, Holly. Say what’s on your mind. That’s why we’re here.’
‘Do you ever think of her?’
She didn’t have to tell him who she was talking about. He felt a lump in his throat as he nodded. ‘All the time.’
‘Really?’ She sounded surprised.
‘Of course. Lara was my daughter too.’
They sat in silence for a few moments. ‘But you never go to the grave,’ said Holly, looking at him, her big brown eyes glistening with tears. ‘At least, I’ve never seen you there.’
‘Maybe you find peace at the graveside, Holly, but it’s not for me. Lara is in here.’ He pointed to his head. ‘She’s with me all the time no matter where I am.’
‘I … I didn’t realise.’
‘What? You thought I’d forgotten about her?’ He shook his head. ‘I thought you knew me better than that.’
‘I should have known,’ she said, looking at him with sad eyes. ‘Do you ever wonder what would have happened if … you know …?’
‘If she’d been okay? If she’d lived?’
Holly nodded.
‘I used to wonder that all the time. But who knows? A lot of time has passed now and a lot of things have happened. I guess we’ll never know what might have been.’
They sat in silence for a while, each lost in thought, until Holly eventually spoke. ‘I can’t remember the last time we kissed, Josh.’
It took him by surprise and he looked at her, half-expecting her to be joking, but her eyes told him she was deadly serious. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Our last kiss. I can’t remember it. We were so in love, Josh. Every moment together was so special to me and yet, when I try to remember, I just can’t picture it.’
He didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t read her. Did she want to be reminded or was it better to have it blocked out of her mind. ‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ he said.
‘Can you remember it?’
He shook his head. ‘Look, Holly. What’s the point in dredging up stuff like that? It’s all irrelevant now.’
‘I suppose,’ she said, looking away from him. ‘What does it matter now anyway?’
‘What happened to us?’ Josh said suddenly. ‘How did it all go so wrong?’
Holly looked at him and her previously sad eyes shone with anger. ‘I’ll tell you how it all went wrong, Josh. You left me. You broke my heart into a million pieces. That’s how it all went wrong!’
He tried to take her hand but she pulled it away as she continued to rant, the tenderness of the previous conversation long forgotten. ‘How could you have done it, Josh? How could you have dumped me like that? Like I didn’t matter to you? Did you have somebody else? Was that it? Was I not enough for you?’
‘Of course I didn’t have anybody else. You were the only one for me.’
‘Well, that’s obviously a lie.’ Her brown eyes looked almost black as she looked at him in anger. ‘You moved on, didn’t you? You found someone else. Was she there in the background all the time? Waiting for you to dump me?’
‘Holly, stop this. I didn’t know Stephanie back then. And you’ve moved on too. It’s not just me.’
She nodded and he was shocked to see tears roll down her face. ‘Yes, and I’ve moved on with a fabulous man. A decent, kind, reliable man. A man who adores me and would never break my heart. A man who wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. So things didn’t turn out too badly after all.’
‘Holly, please. Let’s talk about things without getting too emotional. We need to sort it out.’
‘Without getting too emotional?’ She raised her voice and people started to look around at them. ‘Do you know how you made me feel back then? Do you? Do you know that I felt like my life was ended because you didn’t love me any more?’
‘But, Holly, I told you. I did love you.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Josh. Stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself. If you’d loved me, you wouldn’t have left me.’
He shook his head. ‘It was because I loved you that I left you.’
She stopped crying for a moment and looked at him. ‘That makes no sense whatsoever.’
‘If you’d just let me explain,’ he said, close to tears himself. ‘When Carina came to see me, she told me that …’
‘Hold on. What’s Carina got to do with this?’
‘You mean you don’t know?’
Her brow furrowed and she looked scared. ‘Know what?’
‘Holly, Carina was the one who came to me and told me I had to let you go.’
19 August 2002
Josh was surprised to see Carina at the door. The owners of the house were out so he gestured for her to come in.
‘What’s up?’ he said, leading the way into the sitting room. ‘Is Holly okay?’
She sat down on the sofa. ‘She’s fine, Josh. But that’s why I’m here.’
‘Go on.’
‘I know this is going to be difficult for you, but you have to let her go.’
‘Excuse me? Let her go? Where?’
‘Josh, you need to split up with her. She’s had a tough couple of years and what she really needs now is to get out there and live her life.’
Josh laughed. ‘Is this a joke? Holly and I aren’t going to split up. We love each other. You know that.’
Her face was serious. ‘I know you love each other, but believe me, that’s just not enough. You’ve been together all your lives and it’s not good for either of you.’
‘I think we can be the judge of that.’ Josh was beginning to regret having let her in.
‘She wants to travel, Josh. She’s desperate to leave this country behind and spread her wings. The only thing that’s stopping her is you.’
‘But we’ve discussed this. She said she was happy to wait until I’m finished college.’
‘What else is she going to say? If you really l
oved her, you’d let her go.’
Josh was beginning to feel sick. ‘Carina, I know you only want the best for Holly but, no disrespect, I need to hear this from her.’
‘That’s just the point, Josh. You’ll never hear it from her. She’ll never break up with you. But she’s stuck in a rut. She’s depressed. She still hasn’t gotten over the baby. It’s different for a woman. She’ll have the scars, physical and mental, for a long, long time. The only thing that will make her whole again is to do as she’s always wanted to do and travel the world. It will help her forget. It will help her start living again.’
‘I … I know she’s been depressed. But I’ve been helping her through it. She was beginning to feel happy again. She said so.’
‘She’s trying, Josh. But she needs to find where she fits in the world. She needs to explore other avenues, try other things.’
Josh didn’t know what to say. He sat forward and put his head in his hands. Of course he’d known how desperately sad she’d been the previous year after the baby. Because he’d been desperately sad too. But he’d thought they’d begun to move forward and put that horrible year behind them. He sat back up and looked at Carina.
‘Do you really think she’d be better off without me?’
Carina reached out and took his hand. ‘I do. And I don’t mean that to sound cruel. You’re a great guy and you’ve made her very happy, but I think it’s time to let go.’
‘I love her so much, Carina. I can’t imagine my life without her. She’s everything to me.’
Carina looked at him, tears in her own eyes. ‘Well then, if that’s true, Josh, it’s time to give her wings and set her free.’
Chapter 33
‘I … I can’t believe it,’ said Holly, after she’d listened to the whole story. ‘I can’t believe Carina did that and I never knew.’
Josh took her hand. ‘I always thought she’d have told you at some stage. So you honestly thought I just left you? That I just broke your heart for no reason?’
Holly nodded and a sob escaped her lips. ‘I thought you didn’t love me any more. I know you said you did, but that’s what everyone says, isn’t it? I always wondered if maybe you’d met somebody else but didn’t want to tell me. Or if you were just fed up with me.’
