by Maria Duffy
‘Well, now you know. And maybe I handled it all wrong. Maybe I should have spoken to you about it. But Carina convinced me that if I spoke to you you’d just say everything was fine. She said you were depressed. That the only way to make you better again would be to set you free. I was worried when I heard about the depression. You hear about things – about people doing stupid things. I got scared, I suppose. I loved you so much and I just wanted you to be better. To be happy. She said I should just tell you that we needed to go our separate ways, so that’s what I did.’
‘Just like that. And you never looked back.’ Holly was still in shock.
‘That’s not true at all. After some time had passed, I began thinking that I shouldn’t have taken Carina’s word. I felt desperately lonely without you so I was planning on going to talk to you.’
‘But you didn’t.’
‘I made some enquiries and found out that you were gone. To Australia. So I realised then that Carina had probably been right and you needed to spread your wings.’
‘God, Josh. I only went because I was so broken-hearted and couldn’t stand to stay there without you. I can’t get my head around the fact that Carina did this. She knew how much I loved you. How much we loved each other. Why did she do it? I just can’t figure it out.’
Josh shrugged. ‘Who knows? But maybe it was the right thing to do, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time.’
‘Do you think it was the right thing?’
‘Well, if we’d stayed together, you never would have met David and I wouldn’t be with Stephanie. You’re happy, aren’t you?’
She desperately wanted to tell him she wasn’t. She desperately wanted to say she was still in love with him and would leave David in a heartbeat to be with him. She wanted to throw her arms around him and hold him close. But she did none of that. ‘Yes,’ she said, her voice barely a whisper. ‘And you’re happy with Stephanie.’
‘I am. So it’s all ended well.’
‘I have to go,’ she said, suddenly standing up. ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.’
‘Holly, wait.’ He got up and started to walk after her.
‘No!’ She spun around to look at him. ‘You stay here. Let me go. Just like you did thirteen years ago. Just let me go.’
She ran out of the pub and down the street until she could barely breathe. Leaning against a wall, she began to cry. Big fat sobs, as tears streamed down her face. All those wasted years. All the years of wondering why Josh didn’t love her any more. All the years of wondering what had happened to make him fall out of love with her. To make him leave her. And it was all down to Carina. Her lovely, reliable big sister. The one person in the world she’d thought she could trust. Well, she was going to confront her. To make her admit what she’d done. And then she was going to walk away and forget she’d ever had a sister.
Tears poured down Holly’s face as she drove through Kildare town on her way to see Carina. She’d rushed home from the pub earlier to find David had just arrived, so she told him she needed the car. She’d made something up about Carina having a marriage crisis and needing Holly’s advice. David had looked dubious but had handed over the keys without question. If he’d noticed her tear-stained face, he hadn’t said, but at that point, Holly couldn’t have cared less.
She pulled the car up outside the house and saw that Jason’s car wasn’t there so at least she’d be able to confront Carina without an audience. She hoped the girls weren’t there either, because the way she felt, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to do the nice-auntie thing with them. She didn’t bother with the doorbell but banged on the glass pane of the door with her fists. She’d always wondered why they did that in movies but she realised now that it felt more urgent, more serious, than a mere ding-dong of a bell.
‘Holly!’ said Carina, swinging the door open. ‘I wasn’t expecting you. What’s the panic?’
Holly stepped inside and brushed past her. ‘Are the girls here or are you alone?’
‘Holly, what’s wrong? Has something happened?’
‘Carina, just tell me. Who’s here?’
‘It’s just me.’ Carina looked worried and Holly was glad. ‘Jason took the girls to football practice and I was just making dinner.’
‘How could you do it, Carina? How could you ruin my life?’
They stood there in the hall, staring at each other, like two cowboys during a standoff. ‘What on earth are you talking about, Holly? Is this a joke?’
‘It’s no joke,’ spat Holly. ‘I’ve just had a conversation with Josh.’
Realisation slowly swept across Carina’s face and her voice came out as a whisper. ‘Let’s go into the sitting room and we can talk about it.’
Holly shook her head. ‘This isn’t going to be one of those conversations where you make tea and talk me down. What were you thinking, Carina? Why did you do it?’
Carina sighed and walked into the sitting room and Holly was forced to follow. ‘Sit down, Holly. It’s not what you think.’
‘Oh and you know what I think, do you? If you really knew what I thought right now, what I thought about you, you’d be pretty shocked.’ She sat down on the armchair furthest away from Carina and perched on the edge. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself because, despite the fact that she hated Carina right at that moment, she wanted to know why she’d betrayed her so badly. ‘Right, I’m listening.’
‘Holly, please understand that anything I said or did in the past was for your own good. Well, at least I did it with good intentions.’
‘Are you actually serious? How can you say that splitting me and Josh up was for my own good? Didn’t you see what I went through? The heartbreak? The depression? How can you sit there, having witnessed the lowest moments of my life, and tell me it was for the best?’
Carina began to cry but Holly cut her off straight away. ‘You don’t get to be upset, Carina. You don’t get to play the victim. Now, just tell me everything.’
‘Okay, okay.’ Carina took a tissue from her pocket and wiped her running nose, then cleared her throat and began to speak. ‘Look, before I explain, I just want to say I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am for everything. And whether you believe it or not, I really did have good intentions back then. It just all went wrong and I didn’t know how to fix it.’
‘Go on,’ said Holly, sitting back in the chair.
‘After you lost … after the baby died –’
‘Lara. Her name was Lara.’
‘I’m sorry. After Lara died, I just saw something inside you die too. You were depressed and nothing seemed to make you happy.’
Holly bristled. ‘Of course I was bloody depressed. It takes a long time to get over something like that. Actually, you never get over it.’
‘I know,’ said Carina. ‘But I wanted to make things better for you. You were always talking about travelling the world and moaning because you had to wait for a few years until Josh had finished college. You two had been together most of your lives and I really felt it had become habit. You were great together, I know, but I felt there was so much out there for you to explore, for you to discover, and you’d never have had the opportunity if you’d stayed with Josh.’
‘But, Carina, that wasn’t your call to make. You don’t get to play God and decide what I should do. Yes, I wanted to travel and, yes, I hated that I couldn’t just get up and go at that stage, but given the choice, I would have chosen Josh above travel every time.’
‘I know that now, but I just got it into my head that I had to do something to give you opportunities. I felt you were festering away, doing menial jobs around the town and just living your life waiting for Josh.’
‘It wasn’t like that and you know it. Josh was committed to me, and if I had forced his hand, he would have given up college just to go travelling with me. But I’d never have done that to him. I’d never have made him choose.’
‘You see,’ said Carina. ‘That’s exactly what I thought. You never wo
uld have done it yourself. I honestly thought that I was doing a good thing. Giving you the opportunity that you wouldn’t take for yourself. I told him you needed to be set free to live your life and he understood.’
‘Are you saying he agreed, then? Are you saying that he thought it was a good idea too?’
Carina shook her head. ‘He was upset. He didn’t want to do it but I convinced him that you needed to be released to be truly happy.’ Holly went to interrupt but Carina stopped her. ‘I’d been in a relationship with Jason since I was very young too. I’d settled down at an early age and had already started a family at that stage. I was happy, but I also felt I’d missed out on a lot. I’d have loved to travel, see the world, have a few adventures before motherhood took hold of me and kept me captive.’
‘Wait, so you’re saying that you wanted to live your life through me? You stayed in your nice, safe relationship and split mine up so that you could see what it would have been like?’
‘It wasn’t like that, Holly. You know I’m not that sort of person.’
‘I’m beginning to wonder.’ Holly felt tears prick the back of her eyes.
‘Anyway,’ Carina continued, ‘after you two split, I began to regret what I’d done. I honestly thought you’d be sad for a bit but then get excited about the future. I thought you’d feel happy to be free to be your own person and do what you wanted with your life.’
‘But why didn’t you say something then? You could have fixed it. It wouldn’t have been too late.’
‘I did try to fix things,’ she said, her eyes looking pleadingly at Holly. ‘I went to Dublin, to his college, to find him. To talk to him.’
Holly’s eyes widened. ‘And did you? He didn’t tell me that. Did you talk to him?’
Carina shook her head. ‘I made some enquiries and was directed to a local pub. I went in and saw him. He was with …’ Her voice trailed off and she looked at Holly.
‘Go on,’ said Holly.
‘He was with another woman. They looked cosy, loved up. He looked happy. I didn’t know what to do. I’d already done enough damage so I thought I’d go home and have a think about it. I wanted to make things right but I just didn’t know how.’
‘So that was it? One pathetic attempt to fix things and then you gave up?’
‘It was more complicated than that. After I’d seen Josh, I thought about things for a few days. And then you announced you were going to go to Australia with Sarah. You said you were going to travel, to get out of “this hell-hole” and see the world.’
‘But that was only because of what had happened. Can’t you see that? It was only because Josh had left me and I couldn’t bear to stay here any more with the memories.’ She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. One escaped from the corner of her right eye and it seemed to unlock a lifetime of hurt and sadness. She began to sob, big loud sobs that quickly turned to wails, and Carina was quick to run to her and tightly wrap her arms around her.
‘Holly, I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I know I was wrong. But my only defence is that I didn’t do it out of any malice or badness. I love you so much and I just wanted to help.’
Holly couldn’t respond, as her body heaved and shook, and she felt like she was going to be sick. They stayed like that for a while and, despite how Holly felt about Carina, she was glad to have her comforting arms around her. Eventually the sobs subsided and gave way to hiccups. She pulled away from Carina then and looked at her.
‘I understand that you weren’t being malicious, Carina. But I’m not sure I can forgive you.’
Carina nodded and went back to sit on the sofa. ‘I can’t say I blame you. I probably wouldn’t forgive me either. And what does Josh have to say about it all?’
Holly wiped her eyes. ‘He just said he did what he thought was best for me at the time. He’s moved on now and he’s in love with Stephanie.’
‘And you and David?’
Holly shrugged. ‘We’re in love too. And we’re planning a wedding, so I’ve just got to put the past behind me and move on.’
‘It’s probably for the best,’ said Carina. ‘You have a good man who loves you. You need to think about the future now.’
‘With all due respect,’ said Holly, standing up, ‘I don’t think you’re in any position to tell me what’s best for me. Look where that got me last time.’ She walked out towards the hall door.
‘You’re right to be angry with me, Holly. But maybe in time you can forgive me.’ Carina went to hug her as she opened the front door but Holly pulled away.
‘Maybe,’ said Holly, looking at her sister with sad eyes. ‘But it could take a long time.’ She strode out to the car without a backward glance. She’d loved Carina so much. And now she felt like she’d lost her. Just like she’d lost Josh thirteen years ago and again today when he’d declared his love for Stephanie. She’d never felt more alone as she drove off, back to the life she’d once thought had made her happy.
Chapter 34
‘See you tomorrow, Mr O’Toole,’ said Jane O’Driscoll, waving as he passed her on the corridor. Jane was a fourth-class teacher close to retirement and had a soft spot for Josh. Except she insisted on calling him by his formal title, despite the fact he’d told her a hundred times to call him Josh. But she was old school and had very definite ideas about how to behave so she wasn’t going to change her ways.
‘I won’t be here tomorrow, Miss O’Driscoll,’ he said, giving her a wink and making her blush. ‘But I’ll see you on Thursday.’
‘Oh, yes. Okay then. I’ll see you Thursday.’ She rushed off down the corridor and Josh smiled to himself at how she’d gotten herself all flustered when he’d winked.
It suddenly dawned on him that this was the place where he was happiest at the moment. Being in school, with the students and the teachers, made him feel content. There were no dramas other than boys misbehaving, and life seemed relaxed and simple. Because outside of here, everything was a mess. In theory, he should have felt happy. He had a partner who loved him and a baby on the way. But it was way more complicated than that, and he’d made it even more complicated by his actions the previous night.
When he’d come home after meeting Holly the previous evening, he’d been glad to find that Stephanie had gone out. His head had been all over the place and he’d needed time to think. Delving into the past had unsettled him and he’d found himself asking the dreaded question ‘what if?’ What if he’d ignored Carina’s advice back then? What if he’d spoken to Holly about it instead of acting on Carina’s words alone? What if, what if, what if? But he’d realised that no amount of soul-searching was going to change things so he’d found a bottle of red wine in the cupboard and opened it while waiting for Stephanie to come home. He’d needed something to take the edge off how he was feeling. By the time Stephanie had arrived, he’d polished off the whole bottle and thought he had his life sorted. He’d sat Stephanie down and told her he loved her. That she was the only one for him and he couldn’t wait to have a future with her. And then, to her surprise, he’d gotten down on one knee and asked her to marry him. She’d said yes, of course, and he’d felt like the happiest man in the world.
Then he’d woken up this morning, his head like a lead balloon and his stomach in knots, and bit by bit the conversation had started to come back to him. He’d glanced to his left to see Stephanie snoring contentedly and wondered what the hell he was going to do. Should he tell her he’d been so drunk that he hadn’t known what he was saying? Or should he just go with it and get on with his life, just like Holly was doing with hers?
He was lost in thought as he headed out to the school car park and was suddenly jolted back to the present when his phone beeped. He opened the message as he hopped into the car. It was Stephanie.
‘I’m making dinner. Can’t wait to see you and talk about our plans. Your fiancée, Steph. x’
He winced at her words and threw the phone down on the passenger seat. She’d hinted for years that
she wanted them to get married and he’d always resisted it. It had never felt right. And now, all because of a drunken moment, he’d asked her to marry him and it still felt wrong. It was like he wasn’t in control of his own life any more. He was just a spectator, watching his life unfold, and there was nothing he could do about it.
His head was beginning to throb again, despite the painkillers he’d loaded up with, and the pain in his stomach had come back. He was due at the hospital the next day for more tests so at least he might have some answers after that. As he drove down the Navan Road, he pictured Stephanie at home, singing to herself as she made dinner. He’d made her so happy with his proposal – there was no way he could take it back now.
‘Hi, love,’ she said, opening the door for him before he was even out of the car. ‘I hope you’re hungry. I’ve made loads.’
He kissed her on the cheek. ‘I’m starving. I’ve barely eaten anything all day.’
‘Well, your timing is perfect because it’s all ready.’
He followed her into the kitchen where she had the table set for the two of them. His stomach lurched when he saw the pasta in cream sauce, her speciality and one of the few things she could cook. But still, she’d made the effort, so he couldn’t complain. Maybe he’d go to the chipper later for a big juicy burger if he was still hungry.
‘So, did you tell them?’
He looked at her as he dished up some pasta onto his plate. ‘Tell who what?’
‘People at work. Did you tell them we’re engaged?’
‘Oh.’ It hadn’t even occurred to him to tell anybody. It still didn’t seem real and the memory of it was fuzzy in his brain. ‘I didn’t get a chance.’
‘What does that mean?’ She looked at him suspiciously. ‘Don’t you get a lunchbreak? Were you not dying to tell everybody?’
He stuffed some pasta into his mouth to buy him some time as he nodded. ‘Of course,’ he said, through a mouthful of food. ‘And I’ll tell them on Thursday when I’m back in. I just wanted to savour the news for ourselves at first.’
