Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.’ She picked at her salad as she talked. ‘I’ve been on the phone to everyone. And they’re all asking about the ring.’

  ‘The ring?’

  ‘Yes. My engagement ring. You know, the thing that the man usually puts on the woman’s finger when they get engaged?’

  It hadn’t even crossed his mind. ‘Oh, yes. Well, of course we’ll have to go shopping. I reckoned you’d want to choose something yourself.’

  ‘Well, it would have been nice, in a way, if the proposal had come with a ring, but I suppose you’re right. I’d be fussy about the type of ring I want so I’m probably better off choosing it myself. So when are we going to go? The shops are open late tomorrow night.’

  Josh thought about their finances and knew they couldn’t afford such an extravagance. ‘I have the hospital tomorrow, remember? I don’t think I’ll feel like going out shopping afterwards.’

  ‘Oh, of course. I’d forgotten. Thursday after work then?’

  ‘I might have a lot of work to catch up on because I’ll be out tomorrow. Let’s wait until Thursday to decide.’

  ‘It’s so exciting, isn’t it?’ she said, her eyes dancing. ‘When do you think we’ll set the date for? Could we fit it in before the baby, do you think?’

  ‘Whoa! Hold on there. That’s not giving us much time.’

  ‘But wouldn’t it be lovely to be married when the baby arrives? Wouldn’t it be a better start for him or her?’

  ‘I don’t think he or she would notice, to be honest. Let’s just relax about it, Steph. There’s enough to think about with the baby coming along. When things settle down, we can start to plan the wedding.’ He was saying the words but he didn’t fully believe them. He still couldn’t picture himself marrying Stephanie, despite the fact that he loved her.

  He began to relax as the conversation moved on to other things and he realised, well after they’d finished their meal, that he’d really enjoyed her company. That’s how it used to be between them. Relaxed and easy. Until all the complications of the last year had made things tense and difficult. They worked together to clean the kitchen afterwards and, as Josh looked at her, he began to think that maybe getting married wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. What was stopping him? He’d be thirty-three on his next birthday and he had a baby on the way. Seeing Holly again had made him doubt himself and his relationship, but he was going to do his best to keep things with him and Stephanie on track.

  ‘I’m just popping upstairs for a shower,’ Stephanie said, putting the last few things in the dishwasher. ‘Why don’t you see what’s on the telly and we can watch something when I get down?’

  When she’d gone, he rooted around in the medicine cupboard in the kitchen for some more painkillers. The pain was building in his stomach and he wanted to keep it at bay. He had to fast from this evening and drink some awful stuff in preparation for one of the tests he’d be having tomorrow, so he didn’t need pain to add to his list of woes. He found what he was looking for and swallowed two down with a glass of water.

  Back in the sitting room, he scanned through the TV guide on the telly, but his mind wasn’t on it. He wondered how Holly was. She’d been really upset when she’d rushed off the previous day but he hadn’t wanted to upset her more by following her. She’d made it very clear that she hadn’t wanted to talk any more so he’d had to respect that. It was weird knowing she was just across the road yet he couldn’t call to check how she was. He wondered if she’d told David any of it, if things would now be awkward between the two men if they met on the street. He hoped not.

  Standing up, he headed over to the window to look across the road. David’s car was there so he must have come home from work early. He tried to imagine the scene inside. Was she crying on his shoulder, telling him about how Josh had hurt her? Or had yesterday’s conversation helped her to move on? Suddenly, the front door opened and David walked out. He looked smart, as he always did, in a suit and tie. And behind him came Holly. Josh’s breath caught in his throat when he saw her. She looked beautiful. She wasn’t particularly dressed up but her hair shone in the December sun as it fell loosely over her shoulders. Her smile lit up her face as she laughed at something David had said, and Josh felt a little stab to his heart. He couldn’t peel his eyes away from them. David opened the car door for her, but before she stepped in she placed her hand on the back of his head and pulled him towards her. Their lips met and, for Josh, time seemed to stand still. David cupped his hands around her face and she put her hands over his, reassuringly. Holly loved David. Josh could see that. They were happy. She’d moved on. It was time for him to do the same.

  He watched them drive off and sighed. He was going to put Holly Russo right out of his mind from now on and concentrate on Stephanie – his fiancée. She was his life. His future. He began to root through their DVD collection until he found what he was looking for. Miss Congeniality – Stephanie’s favourite. It was about time he started paying his gorgeous girlfriend some attention and stop hankering after something he’d never have. They’d watch the movie and then he’d suggest an early night. He’d make slow, gentle love to her and tell her that he couldn’t wait to be her husband. He suddenly felt very lucky. Lots of men would kill to be in his shoes. He had everything he’d ever wanted and he was going to make sure he didn’t mess it all up. He wouldn’t make the same mistake he’d made thirteen years ago.

  Chapter 35

  Holly felt numb as she sat in the car beside David, on their way over to his mother’s for tea. She was trying her very best to act the part of the dedicated wife-to-be, but her heart wasn’t in it. After everything that had happened the previous day, she was exhausted. She wished she could head off to a desert island. Somewhere she could just be alone to think. To sort out the mess in her head.

  She glanced at David, who was concentrating on the road, and she felt a rush of affection for him. She knew she could have a good life with him. He treated her well and she knew she’d be well looked after. The problem was that affection wasn’t love – at least, not love the way she’d known it with Josh. But she also knew that her love for David could grow, given time. If she could just put Josh out of her head and accept the fact that he’d moved on then she could put all her energy into being happy with David.

  The tea with his mother had been her idea. When she’d come home the previous evening after seeing Carina, David had noticed that she looked upset. He’d made her a cup of tea and gently asked if he could help. She’d spun him a story that she and Carina had argued about something stupid. She’d said it was a sister thing and it had just upset her. He hadn’t pushed her to tell him more but he’d been attentive and loving towards her for the rest of the evening. It had made her want to try harder with him. To try and be grateful for what she had. To love him better. So in a moment of madness, she’d offered to have his mother over for tea. He’d been delighted with the offer and had rung his mother immediately. Mammy Wood, of course, couldn’t just accept an offer graciously. She had to turn it around and tell them to go to her. Holly had been somewhat relieved because it meant that she wouldn’t have to cook or to worry about cleaning the place from top to bottom.

  They pulled up outside the house and David hopped out to open the door for Holly. Doreen had the front door open before they could ring the bell and, after much air-kissing and pleasantries, they were ushered into the grand dining room. The house was an old Georgian one, with beautifully laid out rooms with exquisite furniture. Doreen’s husband had been a wealthy man and they’d bought the house for cash when they’d first got married. He’d signed it over to her when he’d left and she’d managed to maintain it beautifully over the years. The mahogany table was set for three, with her best cutlery and china, and Holly drooled at the sight of the food. There were bowls of chicken wings, mini-quiches, sausage rolls and vol-au-vents. There was smoked salmon on brown bread, platters of mozzarella and tomatoes and plates of various cold meats.<
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  ‘Come on,’ Doreen said, pushing them forward. ‘Sit yourselves down and tuck in. I thought you’d both be glad of a decent meal.’

  Holly bristled but kept her mouth shut. She smiled sweetly at her soon-to-be mother-in-law and sat down where Doreen indicated. David’s eyes were almost popping out of his head as he piled up his plate and Holly sighed as she realised that she’d never be able to live up to the cooking abilities of the great Mammy Wood.

  Doreen delicately placed a few things on her own plate and proceeded to pick at them. ‘So, how are the wedding plans coming along?’

  ‘Fine,’ said David, through his mouthful of quiche. ‘With the church and hotel booked, we can relax a bit about the other stuff. It’s still early days.’

  ‘Early days?’ Doreen looked as though he’d said something obscene. ‘It’s never too early, David, love. There’s so much to organise. Now, Holly.’ She turned her attention to Holly, who would have been happier to be an observer. ‘We need to talk dresses. I have a few magazines here and I’ve marked a few out that you might want to have a look at.’

  ‘That would be lovely,’ said Holly. She could think of nothing worse than looking at dresses with Mammy Wood. ‘I have a few ideas myself but I’ll have a look anyway.’

  ‘Good, good. And flowers. I know carnations are popular as buttonholes but they’re a bit common, don’t you think?’

  ‘Buttonholes?’ said Holly, looking confused. ‘What’s that?’

  Doreen laughed and shook her head. ‘Don’t you know anything about weddings, dear? Everyone has to wear a flower in their buttonhole or pinned to their jacket. It’s traditional.’

  ‘Maybe roses then?’ David offered. ‘You can’t really beat a nice red rose.’

  Doreen nodded. ‘That’s what I was thinking. But they’d have to be jazzed up a bit. Maybe a bit of fern or I saw in some magazine where they had a rose with small green feathers that looked like leaves. I want people to remember this wedding. To see that we went all out to make it special.’

  Again, Holly was a spectator in her own life. David and his mother were talking about the wedding as though she wasn’t there. As though she didn’t matter. She couldn’t care less about buttonholes or things like that. She didn’t want to have to do something because it was traditional or expected. Their voices became a dull murmur to her as she thought about the wedding she’d once dreamed of. The one she’d never have.

  ‘So what do you think, Holly?’

  David was looking at her and she didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

  ‘Sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?’

  ‘Mum was suggesting that we arrange a night with her and your parents so she and your mum can discuss what they’re going to wear. She doesn’t want to end up with the same dress or the same colour as her.’

  ‘Um, yes. That’s a good idea.’ Her mother wasn’t really into fashion and she certainly wouldn’t be deciding on a dress a year and a half before the wedding. ‘When were you thinking?’

  ‘I was thinking some time over Christmas,’ said Doreen. ‘I’ll need to pick out material soon and discuss styles with my dressmaker.’

  ‘And we’ll have to decide about bridesmaids, best man and groomsmen,’ said David. ‘Obviously you’ll have Carina and Milly so I’ll have to think who I’m going to ask. And if you want more than two, I’ll have to have the same, obviously.’

  Doreen joined in. ‘You’ll have to think carefully about who you ask, Holly. From what I can remember, Carina is very tall and Milly is tiny. You don’t want your wedding party looking like a circus. Oh and that reminds me about a photographer. They get booked up really quickly.’

  ‘James from work has a brother who’s a photographer. I’ll ask him about it tomorrow. And do we want a video?’

  ‘I’m not sure about that,’ said Doreen, scratching her head. ‘Is it a bit tacky?’

  Holly felt like she was watching a game of tennis, her head swinging from one to the other as they came up with suggestions and ideas, none of which she was particularly interested in. Then all of a sudden, her head began to spin and everything became fuzzy. It was like an out-of-body experience and she felt as though she was looking down at the scene.

  ‘Holly, Holly, are you okay?’ She tried to focus and saw David kneeling in front of her. ‘Holly, love. What’s wrong? Are you sick?’

  ‘I … I …’ She couldn’t speak and feared she was having a stroke. David’s and his mother’s voices were blurring together as she tried to understand what was happening.

  ‘Let’s get her into the sitting room.’

  ‘Should we call an ambulance? A doctor?’

  ‘Maybe we should lie her down.’

  ‘Holly, Holly, can you hear us?’

  Next thing she knew, she was being led into the sitting room and pushed gently down onto the sofa. It felt good, like sitting on marshmallows, and she gratefully lay back and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure how long it took, maybe only minutes, but eventually her breathing became even again and she was able to open her eyes. David was kneeling down beside her, a glass of water in his hand.

  ‘Here, take a sip of this,’ he said. ‘Are you feeling better now?’

  She pulled herself up into a sitting position. ‘What happened?’

  He held the glass to her lips while she took a grateful sip. ‘You got dizzy and fainted. You gave us a right fright there.’

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, feeling stupid. ‘Where’s your mother?’

  ‘She went to see if Mr Gleeson next door is home. He’s a doctor.’

  Holly panicked. ‘Oh God, stop her. I don’t need a doctor. I’m fine.’

  ‘He’s not there,’ said Doreen, bursting into the room. ‘Oh, Holly, you’re back with us. Thank God. Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said, unaccustomed to Doreen’s softer tone. ‘I just felt a bit weak.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad to see some colour come back into your cheeks. You were pale as a ghost – wasn’t she, David?’

  David nodded and Holly noticed that he looked pale himself.

  ‘Now,’ Doreen said, looking at David. ‘You take Holly home and make sure you look after her. She’ll need plenty of rest and you’ll need to make sure she’s eating okay.’

  ‘I’m fine, honestly, Doreen.’

  ‘Nonsense. You need to take it easy after an episode like that. I’ll put some of the food in containers so you can take it home. It will save you cooking for tomorrow at least.’

  Holly nodded and thanked her. And then it dawned on her. Doreen may have been a pain in the ass, an over-bearing meddler who always wanted things done her way, but she was obviously lonely. She wanted to feel needed. To feel useful. Holly had never thought of her like that before and it was a real eye-opener. All of a sudden she stopped hating the woman and felt a rush of affection for her. Affection. Just like she felt for David. And that’s when she knew that it wasn’t enough.

  Holly stood at the sitting-room window looking across at number three. She now believed that fate had brought Josh back into her life. But not for the reason she’d initially thought. She’d thought in the beginning that maybe fate was trying to bring them back together, but that wasn’t it at all. Fate was trying to tell her that she and David weren’t suited. And she never would have realised that without seeing Josh again. She loved David. She really did. But she wasn’t in love with him. And it wouldn’t be fair to marry him. Now she just had to think of a way to tell him.

  ‘Here you go, love,’ said David, coming into the room with a mug of tea for her.

  ‘Thanks, David. You’re very good to me.’

  He walked over to the window and handed it to her. ‘It’s only what you deserve.’

  She cupped her hands around the mug but didn’t move from the window. She needed to think about what she was going to say. Because it wouldn’t be fair to let things linger. Not now that she knew. She was aware of him standing behind her, but she continued to sta
re out the window, lost in thought.

  ‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’

  She swung around. ‘Wh– what?’

  ‘With Josh. You’re in love with him.’

  She laughed nervously. ‘What are you talking about? Of course not.’

  He sighed and sat down on the sofa. ‘Holly, I’m no fool so don’t treat me like one. I’ve probably known from that first day when you and Josh clapped eyes on each other at our front door.’

  She was about to object again but instead sighed and went to sit beside him. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes and Holly desperately tried to decide what to say. Should she lie to save David’s feelings? But what would that achieve? Especially when she knew she wasn’t going to marry him anyway. She took a deep breath, before her words came out as a mere whisper.

  ‘How did you know?’

  His eyes filled with tears. ‘So I’m right? You’re in love with him?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes, David. I probably have been all my life.’

  ‘It was the look.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘It was the look,’ he repeated. ‘How you looked at him. I’d never seen you look at me that way. So intense. It was as though you were looking right into his soul.’

  Holly couldn’t believe he’d been so perceptive. ‘I’m sorry, David. I really am. What Josh and I had – it was special. And very rare. After we split, it took me a long time to get over him. But I did. Until he arrived onto our street and all the memories came flooding back.’

  He held up a hand to stop her. ‘I don’t really want to hear the details, Holly. Just tell me, are you two getting back together?’

  She shook her head adamantly. ‘Of course not. He’s happy with Stephanie and they’re going to have a baby. I can’t help how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same way.’

  She watched as the information sank in with David. His eyes were brimming with tears and Holly wanted to comfort him, but she didn’t dare. She’d given up the right to do that the moment she’d told him she was in love with another man. So she waited patiently until he spoke.