Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘What? Josh, no. I don’t want you to go.’ She followed him up the stairs. ‘I want us to work this out. Stay and we can talk. You said you wanted to talk.’

  He pulled out a rucksack from under the bed and began to throw random clothes into it. ‘It’s too late for talking, Stephanie. Way too late. You can go and talk to him. See if he’ll take you because I sure as hell won’t.’

  She tried to stop him from packing but he shrugged her away. ‘Please listen to me, Josh. I wish I hadn’t told Leo about the baby but it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I was panicking and I thought he’d help me to get rid of it before you even knew. But it turns out he wants a baby and he’s been trying to get me to move in with him. He’s really wealthy and said he could give me and the baby everything we needed.’

  ‘Well, there you go.’ Josh couldn’t even look at her.

  ‘But you don’t understand. I keep telling him it’s you I want. It’s you I love. Don’t you see, Josh? I chose you.’

  ‘Well, Stephanie.’ He zipped up his bag and glared at her. ‘I don’t choose you.’

  ‘Josh, please. I love you. And I know you love me. Please don’t go.’

  He didn’t want to hear it. He took his car keys from the hall table and his jacket from the bannisters. ‘Goodbye, Stephanie. I hope you’ll be happy.’

  He could hear her sobs as he got into the car but he wasn’t going to look back. She’d hurt him beyond belief and it was going to take him a long time to recover. When he turned out of the estate, he finally let the tears fall. They spilled down his face, soaking his top and blurring his vision. He turned onto the main road and all of a sudden there was the loud blare of a car horn. Lights blinded him and he began spinning out of control. Everything seemed surreal as he felt the seatbelt eat into his shoulder and pain seared through his neck. A loud bang like a shotgun was the final noise he heard before there was nothing but blackness.

  Chapter 39

  Holly felt as though her life had been rewound. She was back living at home, eating her meals with her parents and fighting for control of the telly in the evening. Except she was older and wiser than when she’d lived there before. The scars of her heartache had surfaced again but now they were even deeper. Not only had she lost Josh for a second time, but she’d lost David, a loving, caring, wonderful man who had done nothing wrong except love her. Her life was a mess.

  It was Sunday afternoon and she was alone at home, half-heartedly hanging silver and gold chain decorations on the living-room ceiling. Her love of Christmas came from her parents, who always threw themselves into the festive season with gusto. They’d gone out to buy some more fairy lights and had asked her to do the ceiling decorations, on account of her mam’s bad leg and her dad’s lack of balance. She came down from the stepladder to survey her work and couldn’t help smiling. They’d had those chains for as long as she could remember. They were old-fashioned and worn yet she couldn’t imagine the house without them. She felt suddenly glad for the warmth and protection of her childhood home and made a mental note to thank her parents for being there for her.

  She’d spoken to David a couple of times since she’d left and, although he said he missed her, he seemed to have accepted their fate. And although it was she who’d ended it, she missed him too. How could she not? They’d had some special times together and she’d always remember him fondly, but the fact remained that he just wasn’t the one. She fixed the final decoration into place and stepped down again from the ladder. Her parents had said they’d be home around three, so if she was quick, she could rustle up some lunch and have a nice quiet hour in front of the telly. It was lovely to spend some time with them, but they were a little over-bearing in their efforts to make sure she was okay.

  Ten minutes later, she was settling down on the sofa with a toasted ham and cheese sandwich and a packet of crisps when the doorbell rang. Damn! There was no way she was going to entertain some canvasser or salesman at the door when she had precious little time to enjoy alone. So she stayed very still and hoped they’d go away. But no, the bell rang again, and again, and it became clear that whoever it was, wasn’t going to give up. Sighing, she put her sandwich down and went to answer the door. She’d tell them that she was just the lodger in the hopes they’d go away. She swung open the door and was about to launch into her speech when she saw who was there.

  ‘Hi, Holly,’ said Carina, pushing past her into the hall. ‘You wouldn’t answer my calls and when Mum told me what had happened between you and David, I just had to come to see you.’

  ‘Well, I don’t want to see you, Carina. Not yet. I have enough things to worry about.’

  ‘Please, Holly. Let me be your big sister. I think you need me. You must be devastated. I really thought you’d found somebody who’d make you happy.’

  Holly sighed. ‘So did I.’

  It was awkward, both of them standing in the hall looking at each other like strangers who’d just met. Holly hated that things had come to that but she wasn’t ready to forgive Carina for what she’d done. It may have been a long time ago, but for Holly it was new and raw.

  ‘Right,’ said Carina, heading into the kitchen. ‘Let’s have some tea and we can chat.’

  Holly followed her in. ‘No – I told you, I don’t want to talk. I have nothing to say to you.’

  Carina filled the kettle regardless and turned to face Holly. ‘I know you hate me for what I’ve done but –’

  ‘I don’t hate you, Carina. Am I hurt? Yes. Am I ready to forgive you? No. But I could never hate you. And I know you did what you did out of misguided loyalty, but it still resulted in my life being shattered into a million pieces.’

  Carina went to her and tried to put her arm around her but Holly bristled. ‘Please, Holly. Don’t turn your back on me. I’m your big sister. I care about you. About what’s happened to you. Don’t shut me out.’

  Holly was torn. Part of her wanted to feel her sister’s reassuring embrace but she wasn’t ready for that yet. She was still too hurt, too devastated by what she’d found out.

  ‘Look,’ Carina continued, pouring two cups of tea. ‘I know it’s going to take a long time for me to earn your trust again. I know you don’t want to talk about what happened back then and, to be honest, I’ve probably told you everything anyway. I’ve explained myself as best I can and I’m not sure what more I can say except how sorry I am.’

  ‘We’ve been through –’

  ‘Just listen, Holly.’ Carina put a hand up to stop her talking. ‘What I’m trying to say is that I think you need me at the moment. I want to help. And I don’t mean interfere. I just want to be here for you, like I always am. We don’t have to go over the past and what’s happened. Just talk to me about what’s happening now. Why you and David split up and whether or not you’ll go back to him. Tell me how you’re feeling. What you’re thinking. Just talk to me, Holly, and I’ll listen.’

  Holly was about to object but instead began to cry. She sat down heavily on a kitchen chair and put her head in her hands.

  ‘Oh God, is there more to this than I thought? Did David do something to hurt you?’

  ‘No! Nothing like that.’

  ‘Well, then what is it? Why did you leave him?’

  ‘Because,’ said Holly, her voice a mere whisper, ‘he’s not Josh.’

  Carina nodded and looked unsure what to say next. When she eventually spoke, she had tears in her own eyes. ‘So you really are still in love with Josh.’ It was a statement rather than a question.

  Holly nodded. ‘I always have been. I suppose I blocked him out over the last number of years. It was the only way I could get on with my life. And then he arrived back and nothing has been the same since. I love him so much, Carina.’ She patted her chest over her heart. ‘So much that it actually hurts physically. He’s all I think about and I don’t know if I’ll ever get him out of my head.’

  ‘Have you told him this?’

  ‘Of course not. How could I? He doesn’t feel
the same so there’s no point.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  Holly looked at her sister. ‘How do I know what?’

  ‘That he doesn’t feel the same. How do you know?’

  ‘Because he’s with Stephanie.’

  ‘But you were with David until a few days ago. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and you’re proof of that. Josh could be thinking that you and David are happily in love. Maybe if he knew that –’

  ‘Carina, no!’ Holly’s voice came out sharper than she’d intended but she didn’t want her sister sticking her nose in again. ‘I’m sure Josh will find out in time that I’ve moved on but I’m not going to tell him. And neither are you, do you hear me?’

  Carina nodded. ‘But wouldn’t you like to know what he’s thinking? How he feels?’

  ‘I don’t need him to tell me. And anyway, he has a baby on the way – even if he did feel something for me, he’s not going to walk away from his family. From his child. From something he’s always wanted.’ She began to cry again and this time Carina came to her and, squatting down on her hunkers, enveloped her in a hug.

  ‘I just wish I could do something to make it better for you, Holly. I feel so helpless. Only for my meddling, you two would still be together. I’m so, so sorry.’

  Holly wiped her eyes and looked at her sister. ‘It wasn’t just your fault, Carina. Nothing is as straightforward as that. We can all take some of the blame. Josh shouldn’t have taken your word. He shouldn’t have just done what you said without talking to me about it. And I should have pushed him further when he said he wanted us to split up. We all could have done more. But we were young, and impulsive, and hadn’t learned that happiness has to be worked for. It doesn’t just get handed to you.’

  Carina sat back down on her chair. ‘So what are you going to do now?’

  Just then the front door opened and there was the sound of animated chatter in the hall. ‘We’re home. And we got so many more Christmas decorations. Wait until you see them!’

  Holly smiled. ‘I guess I’m going to put up some more decorations.’

  ‘Holly. Really. What’s next?’

  ‘Who knows?’ she said, her eyes becoming moist again. ‘Right now, all I know is that I need to get through Christmas. And at least I have you and Mum and Dad to help me.’

  But despite being surrounded by so much love, Holly had never felt so lonely in all her life.

  Chapter 40

  Josh plastered a smile on his face as he waved goodbye to his mum. He wanted to assure her he was okay because, the way she’d been talking, he’d thought she was going to move in to look after him. He closed the door when she disappeared around the corner and his hand went automatically to his bruised face. He winced when he touched it and headed into the kitchen to get some of the prescribed cream to apply to it. He’d been lucky to walk away from the crash with just bruising, but his injuries went way deeper than that. He couldn’t really care less about the physical stuff: it was the mental torture he had to endure that was causing him the most pain.

  He applied the cream, popped a couple of painkillers and headed into the living room. A lot of the past twenty-four hours were a blur, which was just as well because they were among the worst hours of his life. According to eye-witnesses, he’d come around the corner veering onto the wrong side of the road. A couple of cars had swerved to avoid him but he’d spun out of control, crashing into a post-box on the pavement. Thankfully there’d been no pedestrians around and nobody else had been injured. Another driver had called an ambulance and stayed with him until it arrived. The seatbelt and airbag had saved him, they’d said. Otherwise things could have been a hell of a lot worse. He had whiplash, bruising and a cut over his left eye and they’d kept him overnight because he’d had a headache.

  When they’d asked him in the hospital who they should ring for him, his mind had briefly flicked to Stephanie, before he’d remembered the events of the morning. He’d given them his mum’s phone number instead and she’d arrived soon after. He’d been feeling vulnerable and had told her about Stephanie and the baby, and she’d sat with him while he cried. It was funny, for years he’d protected his mother. He hadn’t told her things that he thought might upset her and he hadn’t shared a lot of his worries with her for fear that it would make her anxious. But lying in that hospital bed the previous day and having her there to comfort him, he’d realised that she was a strong woman – way stronger than he’d ever be. Despite his protests, she’d insisted on ringing Stephanie to tell her what had happened. According to his mother, she’d listened to the information, wished him a speedy recovery and said she’d text him.

  When the text had eventually arrived at nine o’clock that night, it had shocked Josh to the core. He couldn’t believe the speed at which everything was happening. His life felt like a freight train and he was running along the track trying to keep up with it. The text had simply read:

  Josh. I’m sorry for everything. You can come home because I’ll be gone. I’m going to stay at Leo’s. He wants to look after me and I think it’s the right thing to do. I hope you recover soon. Stephanie x

  He’d stared at the phone for a long time, aghast at the fact that she could be so cold, so calculated. Less than a day before, he’d thought he was going to be a father bringing up a baby in a loving relationship. Now, not only had she crushed him by admitting she’d had an affair and the baby wasn’t his, but she’d insulted him further by going to live with the guy while their bed was still warm from where they’d lain together.

  He lay down on the sofa and positioned a cushion underneath his head. He remembered feeling a stabbing pain in his neck before he’d blacked out and when he’d come to he’d feared he’d broken it. But thankfully it was only whiplash, and in time it would go away. If only it was the same for his broken heart. The funny thing was that he wasn’t broken-hearted about Stephanie. Not really. His heart was breaking for the baby that he’d lost. Not that he’d ever had him or her. But all the same, it was a loss. A loss of a future he’d thought he had. A loss of the happiness he’d looked forward to. But if he was really honest with himself, he hadn’t loved Stephanie the way he should have. He’d been used to her. They’d been together a long time and had gotten comfortable with each other.

  He was just about to drift off into a drug-induced sleep when the sound of the doorbell startled him. Oh God. He hoped his mother wasn’t back. She’d brought him home, gone out shopping to stock the fridge, cooked up a storm and then left. Surely she wasn’t back to cluck over him again. If he just stayed still, whoever it was would probably leave, thinking there was no one at home. Or if it was his mother, she might realise he was asleep. But no such luck. The doorbell rang again and there was a knocking on the door for good measure. He hauled himself up off the sofa and went to answer it.

  She was the last person in the world he would have expected to see at his door again. The last time he’d seen her, she’d shattered his dreams, and seeing her again brought a myriad memories flooding into his head. He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out.

  ‘Hi, Josh. My God, what happened to you?’

  ‘What are you doing here, Carina?’

  ‘I wanted to talk to you. I know from Holly that you work in a school so I guessed you’d be home by now.’ She looked past him into the hall. ‘Are you alone?’

  He nodded, confused by her presence. ‘There’s nobody else here but I’m really not in the humour for chit-chat. What is it you want?’

  ‘Please, can I come in? There are just a few things I need to say.’

  Josh sighed but opened the door further. ‘Okay. But not for long. As you can see, I’ve been in a bit of an accident and I really just need to sleep.’

  She followed him into the kitchen where he indicated for her to take a seat. ‘What happened? You look pretty beaten up.’

  ‘A car crash. It looks worse than it is.’

  ‘Your girlfriend and the baby – ar
e they okay?’

  He opened his mouth but no words came out.

  ‘Oh God. Are they hurt?’ She looked genuinely worried.

  He shook his head. ‘No, Carina. They’re both fine. But I’m sure you’re not here to talk about them.’

  ‘I … I just came to say I’m sorry, Josh. You can’t imagine how sorry I am for everything that happened back then. I promise you, I never meant to hurt anyone and I only did what I thought was best for Holly at the time. She was hurting. And I thought she needed to be her own person for a while.’

  He nodded but the mention of Holly’s name was like a stab to the heart. ‘It’s okay, Carina. Let’s just leave the past where it belongs.’

  ‘But is it the past?’

  Josh looked at her quizzically. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You and Holly. Is it really the past? Don’t you feel anything for her any more?’

  He thought of Holly’s silky hair and how it smelled of lavender. Her translucent skin. The dimples on her cheeks. The smile that lit up her face. He remembered how they’d laughed together, cried together, vowed they’d always be together.

  ‘Well?’ said Carina, staring at him. ‘Do you still love her?’

  It was all too much of a mess. ‘No, Carina. I don’t.’

  She looked as though he’d punched her in the face. ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘I don’t really care.’

  ‘She loves you.’

  ‘Come on, I think it’s time you went home.’ He stood up and ushered her from her seat. ‘Holly is with David now. Engaged to be married to David. I don’t think she’d appreciate you coming around here and sticking your nose in again. Did you learn nothing from the last time?’

  She walked towards the front door. ‘Don’t you see, Josh? I’m trying to fix the damage I did the last time. I’m trying to make up for all the hurt I caused. Any fool can see that you two are meant to be together – were always meant to be together. I know you have a baby on the way and things aren’t as straightforward as they could have been, but look into your heart, Josh. Think about what you really want before it’s too late.’