Oasis of Crazy Fish

by Sasha Silver

  “Well, yes. You’re right about that. I want a man I can date. Not one that lives in a different country altogether.”

  “Well, that’s why I didn’t tell you. Look, Sasha, I’m not ordinarily a liar. This is the only thing that I’ve lied to you about. I promise you can trust me. I only told this little white lie because I really wanted to talk to you…get to know you.”

  You can imagine how hurt I was. The conversation did continue and we talked about the kind of relationship that he wanted and was looking for.

  Now in theory it sounded great, but I didn’t think it would work for me. He wanted to live in Turkey six months of the year and UK the other six months. “Where would he live in the UK?” you ask. Well, he didn’t have his own property in the UK, so I could only guess he would expect to stay with me. He did say he owned a few properties in Turkey, I guessed he assumed the other six months I would stay with him. I also assumed that no money would cross hands; he wouldn’t pay me anything to stay with me and vice versa. I on the other hand have a mortgage.

  After doing lots of thinking about this, I decided to continue talking to him and just see. He wanted us to Skype - which I couldn’t stand the thought of. I would have rather he meet me in personbefore we Skyped, but I did need to confront my self-confidence issues anyway. So I decided to do this for him. I would go all in and give this a chance.

  I had an idea of what was about to happen, though. And if I was right about the next bit, then I would know that I was right about all of it. I predicted thatwe would start to Skype and he would continue to like me, he would try to convince me to fly to him to meet him. Of course, he wouldn’t offer any money for the flight, but expect me to deliver myself to his door. No effort on his part and I would have done all the work.

  Joseph manipulated the situation for his benefit that was for sure. I knew he wanted to get me emotionally attached before he told me he lived in Turkey, so by then it wouldn’t matter. He had no idea who he was messing with. I was not the vulnerable woman he thought he’d picked.

  I did give it a try though. The problem was that I wouldn’t hear from him all day and then I would get the “I’m horny” text late at night. I never responded. Eventually, he got the hint and stopped texting altogether. He’s probably moved on to another helpless victim.

  Martin - The One with the Beard

  I received a contact request from a guy who was fifty-five years old and had a beard (not usually a beard person), but the three things that got my attention was his height, he was a widower and the fact that he had his own business. So, I accepted.

  HIM: You are one beautiful looking lady. Go and get 11 roses and stand in the mirror to see twelve beautiful things.

  ME: Oh dear lol, are you going to be a handful lol?

  HIM: Yes I am very big

  ME: Big?

  HIM: Yes – 6ft 7

  ME: OMG that is big

  HIM: I am big in other places too, wanna know my size

  ME: No

  I then blocked and deleted him.

  Then, boomerang syndrome. The guy came back a week later acting like nothing was wrong. He had created a new profile and made contact. My first question of course was to ask him why he had deleted me. He said he’d deleted his account because he was being stalked. They always say this or the other one is “it’s my computer it crashed.” It’s all bullshit. I really don’t know why I entertain them, but I think it is about my complete fascination with ‘the male mind’ and trying to find the secret of how to work it all out.

  We talked for ages. He felt a little creepy to me. He almost had an “International Scammer” feel to him but the picture wasn’t good looking enough. Unless they are downgrading their pictures? I might need to sniff that one out.

  We continued talking and eventually he asked for my number. Which I gave. You may say he has misbehaved so why did I give my number? But I think sometimes they are allowed to test the boundaries. And you are allowed to slap their wrist. If they know your boundaries they won’t do it again. Right?

  Wrong!

  Three days later he messaged and we were doing fine until…

  ME: So you’re not working today?

  HIM: No off all week.

  ME: Are you going away anywhere?

  HIM: No.

  ME: Is there any reason for that?

  HIM: Nobody to go with.

  ME: So if you had somebody to go with, where would you go?

  HIM: Into your arms.

  ME: Lol cheesy, and where would my arms be?

  HIM: Right around my cock.

  And that was the end of that one. Just when you think you have a grown-up man who will be a mature gentleman. It’s all about his cock.

  Will from Wigan

  Will was sixty-four years old, too old for me, but I bet in his day he was gorgeous. He kept on liking me, and I kept on rejecting him. Eventually he grew on me, however, and we started chatting.

  The problem with Will from the get go was that he wasn’t around often, and his lack of beingonline started to bore me. I deleted him. Back he came. This got to be a constant loop, and went on for months. The final time we connected, he said he would make a special effort to talk to me. And to be fair he did.

  We started talking about arranging to meet. As we were getting nearer to pinning down a date he said, “Have you read my profile?” Uh oh. I went to read it.

  Hi. Happy, polite, honest, trustworthy man just trying to share life’s highs. A love of music, fine wine, sunshine and laughter.

  Seems ok so far right?

  I’m 100% heterosexual and I enjoy in private at home in the evenings, cross dressing. I am open about this and if it offends you please do not send me an abusive message.

  That was the end for me and Will. I am open minded, just not THAT open minded. You just never know what you’re going to find on the internet. That’s for sure.

  Actual Dates

  So far, I’ve only written about my worst dates – or “nondates” as the case may be. Just so you, the reader knows, I have had some normal dates with some normal guys. But who wants to read about those, right?

  I have been on hundreds of dates…HUNDREDS. A few of the men that I’ve been on dates with – well let’s say this; it’s no wonder they are still single. I had a guy walk right in front of me to get into the pub once letting the door slam in my face. This same guy ordered a jug of water at dinner and then poured into his glass first. Not only that, but he didn’t offer me any. Then, he has the nerve to want a second date. I didn’t see him again though.

  Gary from Manchester

  Sent me a ‘like’ request. I looked at his pictures and they were... okayish, but his profile was lovely and warm so I accepted. Now every now and then somebody comes along who you feel is completely genuine and you learn to almost trust what they say to you…this is how I felt with Gary.

  He was sending me the most amazing texts and we talk about everything in our lives. My heart sank when he said he did not like holidays andnever wanted to go an airplane. (Here, you will need to remember my “Wish List” and the fact that I wanted someone who would go on holiday with me. I have been in three relationships with men who didn’t want to go on holiday and it made me miserable.)With this new information, I knew, despite me finding him attractive, this wasn’t going to work for me. How can somebody not want to go on holiday? It’s bewildering to me. It’s my very favorite thing to do.

  We did go on an actual date, and I discovered the bigger problem with Gary was that he was constantly fishing for compliments. This worried me a little. Remember the insecure hunting style. They try to bring that nurturing side out of women so that you almost feel so sorry for them you will fuck them.

  At the end of the evening he walked me to my car and we engaged in a brief, but nice, snogging session. I got in my car and drove off. When he got home, he sent me a text.

  “I am home.” After a few more texts between us, he asked,“How do you think it went?”

>   “I had a lovely evening, you were nice.”

  “Me too. I had a lovely evening and you too are lovely.”

  I never heard from him again and he blocked me. What the hell?

  I thought about this a lot the next day. Well, he clearly did not find me attractive. So why couldn’t he just say? I have lied loads of times and told men I have liked them when I clearly hadn’t. You see I’m a coward. It’s easy to get swept away with the moment when you are being bombarded with compliments. It isn’t easy to tell somebody that you don’t feel connected, it’s the grown-up thing, to be honest. But internet dating is not necessarily done by grownups.

  Hunter from Manchester

  I matched with Hunter by mistake actually. I swiped right instead of left (left is reject), but I have done this before and they didn’t swipe right so we didn’t match. You both have to swipe right to match. Seems sad doesn’t it, all you get is a picture and how far away they are from you. That’s it, that’s all the information you have on deciding your future with your prospective partner.

  So, he made the first contact and the conversation was pretty mundane along the lines of, “Hi, how are you…blah blah blah…how is this site treating you?”

  Then he asked said something that got my attention, “You’re very attractive, so who is Sasha, and what makes her tick?”

  I loved this question and apparently it was my answer that then really grabbed his attention it was something like, “Wow, what a question. Who is Sasha? Ok an independent, yet genuine lady who is desperately seeking her One. Unfortunately, she has not found him yet, because even though she is seeking somebody, she will not just accept anybody. She wants her last first date.”

  “Great answer. Intelligent as well. Seeking a soul mate? We are out there you just have to look into their eyes to find the truth.”

  The conversation moved on to his job, he is a deputy store manager in one of the big retail outlets. I’ll be honest, this worried me a little because if he works in retail he is not going to be free at weekends or bank holidays (again…remember my “Wish List”). But, he had my attention at that point, so I went with it.

  At one point, the conversation turned to why he was single. The answer made me a little worried. It turned out his wife had walked out on him just three months previous, and I was the first person he was really engaging with since. The newly single guy is always a risk because they either want too much or not enough. This was dangerous territory, and I knew it.

  Eventually, he asked me what I was doing on that Monday night. I had nothing planned. The next text I received was a picture of a restaurant near to me with the words, “Be there at 6 pm.” I liked that, I liked that a lot. It showed decisiveness and in all honesty, it aroused me.

  Hunter was already inside the restaurant waiting for me when I arrived on Monday at six on the dot. This pissed me off a little because I’d said that I would meet in the car park. A lady does not like walking into a pub or a restaurant on her own. His excuse was that I was the first date he had been on in twenty years and asked if I would be gentle with him. How could I stay mad after that? I forgave him.

  I can say, that when I first saw him, I was pleasantly surprised as he was better looking than the picture in his profile. I felt quite hopeful because I’d liked his personality and directness as well.

  When he saw me, however, I didn’t see that same flicker of desire in his eyes. I was sure he was disappointed with me, andwent into shut down mode preparing myself for disappointment. Of course, I still chatted away and tried to be charming.

  Throughout the date, he would throw me off a little sometimes by saying odd comments about wanting to go “here or there” with me. I was confused. His words were not matching his body language or actions.

  After a couple of hours, he said, “I have to go pick my daughter up from hospital.” Well, I have used this in the past to finish a date early, so I knew. I jumped up and smiled, then made my way to the door with him in tow. My car was parked next to his so I hugged him, pecked him on the cheek, and said goodbye.

  “Text me when you get in?” he asked.

  “Will do,” I replied before jumping in the car and driving off.

  I was quite reflective on the drive home. I’d decided that I’d had enough of dating. I was thinking Hunter was okay, if he’d liked me I would have settled for him. I didn’t like feeling like that. I felt disappointed that somebody I felt like that about was rejecting me. So I arrived home with a heavy disappointed heart.

  When I got home there was a text from Hunter waiting for me.

  HIM: You’re lovely. A bundle of fun.

  ME: Thank you……. but?

  HIM: ???????

  ME: I thought a ‘but’ was coming.

  HIM: No buts. I would love to see you again. Maybe next time I can get a word in. LOLOh, and you’re better in the flesh than your pics.

  So, I’d called it wrong? I must be losing my touch. I still couldn’t fathom though how his words were very different from his actions and his body language. I decided maybe he was just inexperienced and I should just sit back and watch what happened next.

  The texts came very frequently throughout the day after that. Very complimentary and long too.

  He kept sending me one particular message, “So you going to come to my work tonight and bring me a coffee?”

  I didn’t respond initially. I thought it was a joke until the third time he asked me. I replied, “Oh you’re serious about coming to your work place?”

  “Yes. And then there is a pub opposite we can go for dinner.”

  So, I went. But I didn’t take a coffee with me because I couldn’t find a shop nearby. He seemed okay that I didn’t have coffee and we went off for dinner.

  At this point, he was acting the same as the night before; cold and aloof. It was like the text guy was different from the reality guy. We chatted easily in the pub and at one point I brushed his hand by mistake and quickly moved my hand away.

  “Don’t take your hand away. I like it,” he said. So we sat holding hands for the rest of the night. Or at least until his daughter phoned him around nine o’clock wanting a lift so he had to run off. He walked me to my car and we pecked on the lips, and off we went.

  Now, Hunter liked texting, and for the next few days he sent me lots of texts. He told me he was driving straight from work to Colwyn Bay to see a friend. Then over the course of the next few days I got several very mushy texts.

  “I’m falling for you”

  “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  “I am out with my friends and I just want to be home with you.”

  The text that melted me was, “You’re quiet.”

  “You’re with your friend. Thought I would leave you to enjoy it.”

  “But you’re my friend too.”

  He would also send me a text out of the blue that said something like, “You rock my world.” and “I haven’t stopped smiling since I met you.”

  At one point, he told me that I was his woman and wanted me to delete my profile from the site we met on. I did it. I was surprised when he sent me a photo of his deleted profile account and a Facebook post about how good his life was because he has found a good woman. There was definitely some of the “Romeo Hunter” going on with this one.

  He asked me to go to New York with him in November and Dubai in May and the list went on and on. Of course, I just smiled and told him, “Yes, that will be lovely.” But, I’m experienced enough to know this is all bravado and I didn’t really believe much of it.

  I went away for a short holiday, and Hunter complained about me not being there with him. Finally, I told him I would come home early and be back for the bank holiday that Monday. His response was encouraging. “Wild horses will not keep me away.”

  I should have known better.

  True to my word, I cut my holiday short and was home…waiting to hear from Hunter on Monday. I hadn’t heard from him by noon time. This pissed me off. Here was a
guy that had pestered me all weekend to be with him, and now I was available, and he seemed to have gone AWOL.

  Eventually, he texted me. It turned outhe had been partying the night before and was still in bed by the early afternoon. I wasn’t happy. But I pretended that all was ok.

  “Ok, let’s meet later. I will get up now and go to the gym.”

  Hang on a minute, the gym? He had never so much as mentioned anything about going to a gym in the weeks that we’d been talking and dating. Why is it so important that he has to go to the gym today? He was supposed to have missed me so much while I was gone. Yearned for me, even. Yet he’s off to the gym? Very suspicious behavior I would say.

  HIM: I am off to the gym, going to have a swim and freshen up then I will come to yours

  ME: Can you give me a specific time ish so I know when to get ready by?

  HIM: I reckon about 5ish.

  Well that did not please me. Suddenly he could wait until five? But, I wasn’t ready to throw things away just yet. “Okay. That’s lovely. See you later.” Is what I texted. Inside though, I was seething. So that’s my bank holiday gone.

  It got to about five pm and I was ready. That’s when the text came in…

  HIM: I am just coming back from Liverpool. Quick shower, shave and then I am yours for the rest of the day.

  ME: I’m ready now.

  He had said five and it was five.

  “Are you angry with me?”

  “Why?” was the response, but I was thinking, “Yes hellooooooo of course I am mad! I am fucking steaming, you unreliable knob! Rest of the day? Rest of the day? What rest of the day? What’s left of it…”

  He continued, “I’m extremely sorry because I’m late. I need to get my priorities in the correct order. You know I am a busy bee.” Oh fucking really?

  I waited…and waited…with every hour going by, I got angrier and angrier. I texted him and I phoned him. Nothing.

  This had blown my mind, and filled me with despair. It made me feel like I could never trust a man again. I had actually started to believe everything, or I wanted to anyway. We seemed to be so compatible in our personalities. He’d seemed to adore me, and I was certainly beginning to think of him the same way. It was very intense very quick.