by Amy Noelle
Your message made me smile. Listened to it right after you left it. And about five more times since. Will again before bed, too.
I like that you think about me when I’m away and that you’re incapable of thinking when I’m there. You do the same to me. You cloud everything up so I’m completely full of you. Know that I’m missing you and I’ll be back with you soon.
Love, Josh
Love, Josh. Love Josh. That was the first time he’d signed anything to me, and he’d used love to do it. Did he love me? Did he know everybody thought I loved him? So many questions, and I didn’t have the balls to ask them—not yet. Maybe one day.
My eyes were growing heavy, and I traced my fingers over those final two words before putting the phone aside. Maybe one day.
Chapter 27
One more day. Then he’d be back and things would be normal again. Although things were my usual normal now, so I guess they’d be the “new” normal again? I didn’t know. I was sleeping for shit. And food—for the first time in my life—held no interest. My friends were annoying in their all-knowingness, and my coworkers irritated me because they weren’t him.
Being in an office by myself was not conducive to a happy Nicole. I scowled at my computer monitor and erased the paragraph I’d already rewritten ten times. I wasn’t feeling it, and I needed Josh to re-explain how to wirelessly transfer photos, but he was in San Francisco instead of here with me where he belonged.
There was a knock on the door. Chris entered wearing a mile-wide grin. “You did it!”
“What did I do?”
“Starfire just signed the biggest contract this company has ever gotten! Josh locked them up for years to come.”
Happiness shot through me. I was so proud of him. “That’s terrific!”
He clapped me on the shoulder. “You were instrumental in this. Your work’s been impeccable, on time, and easy to understand.”
“That’s because Josh explained it well.”
“Well, you took that and turned it into something kids to grandparents can understand. That’s not easy, and I want you to know it’s appreciated. You’ll be getting a raise as soon as the paperwork clears HR.”
Chris was practically glowing. “Josh said he’s bringing back a laptop and their first MP3 player, so you’ll be able to get acquainted with them while you’re finishing up the Comet. You’ll be ready to roll when he goes back to New York.”
My excitement ebbed. Josh had called him? And he was going to leave? Why hadn’t he called me?
“New York?” My heart was racing, and my palms started to sweat.
“Yeah.” Chris didn’t seem to notice that I was about to pass out. “They’re flying there directly from San Francisco.” He grinned and put a finger over his lips. “Don’t tell him, but they’re about to make him vice president of sales.”
He was headed to New York. He was headed to New York, and he hadn’t seen fit to inform me. Well, that said a lot right there, didn’t it? Why was I so surprised? Our time had always had a stopwatch on it, no matter how many pretty words and assurances he threw my way. We’d done a good job of ignoring the countdown and in doing so had driven a wedge between us. A thousand-mile wedge.
“Oh, hey. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about what this meant for the two of you.” Chris didn’t look nearly as happy as he studied my face. “Maybe . . .”
I held up a hand. “It’s fine. I’m really proud of him. He’s worked hard for this, and he deserves it. I’m glad you think I’m doing a good job. I promise I’ll continue to do so, though you may want to have a few more laptops on standby just in case,” I said, knowing my joke was weak.
Chris smiled. “I’ll make sure they ship us a whole box.”
“Great. Well, I’m going to get back to this so we won’t fall behind schedule. It would look pretty bad if I started slacking off the day we got the contract.” I needed him to go. To get out so I could lose my shit.
“Okay. Listen, I’ll be here if you need an ear or anything.”
“I’m good. Thanks for the news.” Since my supposed boyfriend didn’t tell me he was heading to New York, it was nice that someone could keep me informed.
“You bet. I am proud of you, you know.”
“I do.” I attempted a smile before turning back to my computer.
The door clicked shut, and I buried my head in my hands. My eyes were burning, but I’d be damned if I was going to cry. I’d done enough girly shit since Josh had come into my life. He wasn’t getting my tears along with my body and my heart . . . not that he had my heart.
I needed my girls. They owed me. They’d pushed me into this, and now it was crumbling. This was what I’d been afraid of, and I’d been right.
I took out my phone and saw that I’d missed a text message from Josh.
We did it, beautiful! They just signed on the dotted line and the home office wants me there to deliver the paperwork and go over a few things before I come back to Chicago. I’m going to do my best to get back on Thursday as planned, but if not, I’ll see you Friday and we’ll celebrate. Miss you!
Celebrate. We could celebrate and say good-bye.
I felt better that he’d at least contacted me, but really, what was the point? We were going to be over before we started. He’d go back to New York. Then we’d e-mail back and forth before he’d get tired of staying at home and go out to a bar one night where he’d meet some model. Oh, he’d be kind. He couldn’t be anything but that, even when he was breaking up with me. He’d take all the blame and tell me it wasn’t me, it was him, and all that other bullshit people said but never meant.
I closed his message without a response and sent one to my girls.
Good news! We got the stupid fucking contract and Josh is getting a big promotion back in New York. Party at my place to celebrate my raise and the loss of my fucking boyfriend. BYOB. I’m having tequila. Code Red back on.
There. They’d know what that meant. I only drank tequila when I wanted to get shitfaced. And I did. I needed to get all the hurt gone before he got back to town. I wasn’t going to make this hard on him. He’d earned this promotion, and I was going to support his taking it. I was just a one-month fling, inconsequential to the big picture. He didn’t need to feel guilty.
What? He’s leaving? Did he tell you that?
No, Jen, he did not tell me that.
He’s headed to New York now. He doesn’t know about the promotion, but he will soon.
Then we’ll have a few weeks to ease out of all of this. He’ll be gone, and I’ll never see that gorgeous face again. No big deal.
I’ll bring the Patron. Did he tell you it was over via the phone? If he did, I’ll kick his ass myself.
I snorted. Kim could be fierce.
He doesn’t know it’s over yet, but it’s only a matter of time. VP of sales. Pretty awesome title, huh? Who would give that up? Nobody smart. I’m not holding him back.
Mandy chimed in next.
Okay, he’s not hot anymore. Can’t come tonight, but call me, and I’ll keep your drunk asses company.
That was true friendship. She no longer found Josh hot because he was going to dump me. Finally, some real support.
I’ll be there, and I’ll bring the chocolate. Sorry, Nic. I’ll help Kim kick his ass.
Even Ashley was there for me. I knew she would be.
I got another text from Jen.
Then you don’t really know if he’s leaving, do you? Come on, Nic, I know how he feels about you.
Feelings. What good were they? Feelings made you hurt, and I didn’t like hurt, which was why I was getting fucked up tonight. Numb was a good feeling. I would shoot for that.
Just wait until you talk to him before you do anything rash.
Rash? Kim worried too much. What was rash about getting shitfaced? It seemed like a pretty good idea to me. And I was done with this place. It was nearly time to go, anyway. I dropped Chris a quick e-mail, and he had no problem with me knocking off early, probab
ly because he knew he’d unthinkingly ruined my entire day with his stupid congratulations.
I ignored the incessant beeping of my phone and stopped off to pick up Jose Cuervo along with lemons and limes. I didn’t bother to stop and talk to Henry but just called out a hello as I walked past. I kicked off my shoes, said hello to the boys, and poured my first shot before I even changed into shorts and a T-shirt.
One of Josh’s shirts was draped over the back of the couch, and I picked it up and pressed my nose to it like I’d done countless times since he’d left. Maybe I should hide this shirt away so I’d have something after he left. No. That was dangerous. I didn’t want anything.
I tossed it aside and threw back another shot. The burn and the heat felt good, not too unlike what I felt when he touched me. Obviously I hadn’t had enough to drink yet. I threw back another and turned on some music. Katy Perry understood. She knew what it was like to have a guy walk away, didn’t she?
I sat and cuddled Winchester. “You won’t leave me, will you, boy? See, that’s why I love you. You rely on me completely, so of course you’re going to be loyal. Unlike you!” I pointed at Hunt, who was watching me from the recliner. “I think you like Josh better than you like me. Well, maybe he’ll take you back to New York with him. I wouldn’t want to deprive you of the man you love. See? I can say it. Love. Love, love, love! I don’t feel it because love sucks, except for the love I feel for you, Win,” I said as the warmth cruised through me. Hell yeah. We were feeling no pain now.
The music blared while I talked to my boys about how glad I was that I hadn’t been dumb enough to let myself love Josh. “He tried to make me, you know. With his beautiful body, sweet words, and sexy mind. Plus the way he treated us. I could have fallen, but I’m too smart for that. The Great Wall of China, that’s what I have around my heart. He chipped at it, you see, but I’m too strong. Stubborn. That’s what they say I am. Good for me, right? This way I’m not hurt now.”
The boys lent their silent support. Win was in my lap and Hunt lay on the back of the couch, letting me lean against his side. I took another shot and the room started to spin. Maybe I should have eaten something today. Food wasn’t as appealing with Josh gone. Oh, well. The emptier my stomach, the drunker I could get.
A loud pounding on my door had me sighing and pushing Win off my lap. Maybe it was food. I wondered if I’d willed it to show up. That would be pretty awesome. Maybe I could will Josh not to leave. Or maybe I could will him never to have come, so I wouldn’t know what I was missing when he did take off.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” I fiddled with the locks and finally got the chain link off before flinging open the door. Jen and Kim stood there with twin looks of irritation on their faces. “Patron!” I yelled, trying to grab it, but Kim yanked it out of my grasp before pushing past me.
“Hello to you, too.” Why were they giving me that look? They were supposed to be here to make me feel good, like my tequila was doing.
“Since when don’t you answer your damn phone?” Jen walked into the living room, picked up my purse, and took my phone out. “Thirteen missed calls. Twenty-two texts. What the hell, Nic?”
“I didn’t know anybody called. I must have shut off my ringer. You knew what I was doing.”
“Yeah, we knew you were getting drunk, but we didn’t know where, or if you’d be stupid enough to go out to one of your usual hunting grounds and go home with some stranger.”
“I wouldn’t do that. He’s still technically my boyfriend. Should we break up right when he gets back, or should we drag it out until he leaves?” A clean break would probably be easiest, but that would mean I couldn’t touch him again, and he’d be right there in front of me for four more weeks. That didn’t seem like a good idea.
“You should stop being a presumptuous idiot and talk to him before you assume the worst. Do you know he’s been trying to call you?”
Oops. “Yeah? He’s so sweet. You know, it’ll be hard for him to leave me. He’s just not that sort of guy. It’ll probably hurt him more than it hurts me.”
“I’m going to hurt you.” Kim stood in front of me, her dark eyes blazing. “You’re being ridiculous. Josh is crazy about you. Even if he does go back to New York, that’s not going to change the fact that he’s in love with you.”
Ugh, there was that word again. “Love, schmove. Love is for people in books and people like you. I don’t do love, and this is why. It feels crappy. Booze feels good, though. Give me some.” It was hot in here. I needed to turn down the air.
There was another knock, and Jen went to let Ashley in. Good thing Henry knew all the girls, since I had my phone off. “Here’s your chocolate, bitch. And I’m telling you right now, if I came all the way here with chocolate and Josh doesn’t leave you high and dry, I’m kicking your ass myself.”
“Everybody’s so violent.” I flipped the lid off the Frango chocolate mints she’d brought. They were a Chicago staple. “Even though you threatened me, I love you, because these are delicious.”
Ashley snorted and took one before throwing herself down on the couch. “What in the hell is going on?”
Kim filled her in while I took another shot. Jen sighed and took the bottle from me. “This is a shitty idea. Getting drunk alone solves what, exactly?”
“I’m not alone. And if you’re really my best friend, you’ll get drunk with me.” I put my arms around her. “You are my best friend, right? You’re not going to forget me just because your guy isn’t moving a billion miles away? When you get married, we’ll still hang out, for sure, right?”
Jen sighed. “I will always be your best friend, even when you’re being insane and you turn off your phone and make me worry about you.”
“No worries. I don’t want anybody but Josh. I need to get over that, though. But I don’t think I can break up with him until he leaves. I need another month with him. I can survive it when he leaves, can’t I? You’ll help me. If you don’t turn like them when you marry Ryan.”
Jen blinked. “What are you talking about?”
“Yeah, I’d like to know that, too.” Kim scowled at me. “What exactly is wrong with the way we are?”
That hadn’t come out right. “Nothing. But you have husbands, and I can’t see you whenever I want to.”
“We’re here now,” Ashley said, looking sort of pissed off herself. “And I’d like to remind you that you were basically incommunicado last week when Josh was pretty much living here.”
“You’re right. I became that girl. I wasn’t supposed to, you know. Footloose and fancy free, that was me.”
“Nic, it’s not like it was when were in college, but we’re still always going to be there for you. I think we’ve proven that.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just feeling sorry for myself because I’m going to be alone with only my cats, while you’re all coupled off.”
“I’m not married and not likely to be any time soon. Let’s not forget that the last guy I let in stole all my stuff.” Jen had a point, but it was hard to focus when the room was spinning.
“At least he didn’t steal any hearts. Josh did. He’s a thief, too. A cat burglar.” I cackled.
“She really is gone over this guy, isn’t she?” Ashley was staring at me like I was some science experiment gone awry. “I’ve never seen her like this.”
“It doesn’t matter what I am. He’s leaving, you guys. Leaving. And you all told me to date him, so it’s partially your fault that I care and it hurts.” Tears stung my eyes, and I sniffled as Jen wrapped her arms around me.
“Come on, Nic. Can you honestly say you’d trade the time you’ve had with Josh, even if you never see him again?” Kim asked.
“I’m never seeing him again? He’s not coming back? I thought I had a month!” The tears fell, and Jen held me tighter.
“That’s not true. He’s coming back. He’ll be back tomorrow. You have more time,” she said, before turning to Kim. “Watch what you say.”
“Shit, I did
n’t know she’d take it that way.” I burrowed into Jen’s arms and tried to pretend it was Josh holding me. It wasn’t the same. “We all know you two belong together, Nic. If he has to go back to New York, what’s to stop you from going with him?”
I scrubbed at my eyes. “Maybe the fact that my job is here. My life is here. You guys are here. This is home. And I haven’t known him that long.”
“You’ve known him long enough to be a sobbing mess just thinking that he might be leaving,” Ashley said, and I sobbed again. “Jesus, calm down. I’m just saying, if you wanna be with the guy, be with him. Here or there.”
Like it was that simple. “It’s too soon for stuff like that. We needed more time before we got confronted with shit like this. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t let myself love him.”
Ashley snorted, and Jen and Kim laughed. “You keep telling yourself that.”
“I will. Now are you guys really going to make me drink alone?”
They exchanged glances and shrugged. Jen went into the kitchen and grabbed more shot glasses, and they poured their drinks. I held up mine.
“To the best friends a girl could ever have, and the only love I’ll ever need.”
Chapter 28
What was I doing at work? I felt like hell. I was probably going to die in here, and nobody would find me until some hapless cleaning person stumbled over my decaying corpse. I felt like I already had a head start on the decaying thing. My mouth was dry, my head was pounding, and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I’d tried explaining this to Jen this morning, but she’d just shrugged and pointed me to the shower. Then she handed me clothes when I came out and practically shoved me out of the door. She was worse than a mother.
Nothing I’d produced today could possibly be any good, and I couldn’t even whine to my girls because Jen had confiscated my phone as she muttered something about keeping me from doing anything stupid like contacting Josh. Whatever. I could e-mail him if I wanted to. Wasn’t I staring at an e-mail from him right now and pretty much copying his instructions word for word, since I wasn’t capable of coming up with my own? Still, I didn’t feel like talking to him, so it was hardly a problem. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to die in peace.
