The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus

by Michael Anderle

  “No, you bring a wand.”

  Oh, hell no.

  Victoria muttered something in a language Trey didn’t understand and her arm twisted. He pulled his trigger.

  A bright flash filled the alley, and Victoria stood there grinning. Bright glyphs covered her suit, and her eyes glowed bright red. She twirled a thin golden wand in her fingers.

  Trey and Shorty continued firing, but the bullets disappeared in flashes against her suit. The men both stopped after a few seconds, realizing the futility.

  “Fuck,” Trey muttered. “I thought this shit might happen one day, but not so soon.” He lowered his gun.

  Johns laughed. “Stupid pieces of shit. Fucking kill them already.”

  The witch shook her head. “No reason to.” She smiled at Trey. “What’s your name?”

  “Trey Garfield.”

  “Victoria Stone.” The witch bowed with an exaggerated flourish. “You can’t win, Mr. Garfield. There’s no point in trying.”

  “Having a small chance of winning ain’t the same thing as not being able to win, but, yeah, you’re a badass chick in a better suit. It’s a shame to put bullets in either that body or that suit.”

  Victoria laughed. “I do like a man with a good eye.”

  Shorty ejected his magazine and reloaded, muttering under his breath. Trey holstered his gun.

  The witch stopped twirling her wand. She pointed it to the side and made several quick movements. A pulsating glyph appeared in the air.

  “This Brownstone Agency? That means you work for James Brownstone, as in the Scourge of Harriken? The guy who took down the Red-Eyes Killer?”

  “Yeah. He’s the man at the head of everything.”

  Victoria’s gaze flicked to the glyph and back to Trey. “Tell your friend to put his gun away. If he does, you can both walk away from this.”

  Trey nodded at Shorty. “Put it away. Just wasting bullets.”

  Shorty gritted his teeth and holstered his weapon.

  Trey’s phone buzzed again, but he continued to ignore it.

  “Fucking kill them already,” Johns yelled. “What am I paying you for, bitch?”

  “To protect you,” Victoria offered, a cold look in her eyes. “I’m doing just that, Mr. Johns. Unnecessary death doesn’t help protect you.”

  Johns snorted. “Whatever.”

  “Call me a bitch again, and you’ll regret it.”

  “I’m paying you a shitload of money, so I’ll call you what I want, you stupid twat.”

  Victoria heaved a sigh and smiled at Trey. “One moment, Mr. Garfield.” She reached into a pocket with her free hand and fished out her phone. After a few quick taps, she slipped it back into her pocket. “I’ve refunded your money, Mr. Johns.”

  The man blinked. “Huh?”

  She turned toward the man, her face locked in a rigid smile. “I don’t work for men who don’t respect me. It’s also not worth making an enemy of James Brownstone for such a small amount, especially to protect an idiot like you.”

  “These assholes don’t work for Brownstone,” Johns yelled. “They are just saying that to scare you.”

  Victoria pointed toward the floating glyph with a wand. “That’s not what my spell’s telling me.”

  “Fine, fine. I’ll pay you twice as much.”

  “No. You forgot that just because I’m working for you, you’re not my boss. Treat the people who work for you with respect and you’ll get better results.”

  “I’m sorry, okay?”

  “Too late,” the witch spat. “I don’t tolerate disrespect.”

  Trey chuckled. “That’s why I like Mr. Brownstone. He’s all about respect. You give it to him, he gives it to you.”

  Shorty pulled out his stun gun and edged toward Johns with a wicked grin on his face. “If you ain’t working for this prick anymore we can go after him, right, ma’am?”

  The witch nodded. “See, Mr. Johns? It’s not that hard to be respectful.”

  The bounty’s eyes widened and he sprinted away, his long strides giving him good distance. Shorty sprinted after him, but Trey didn’t follow, instead still watching the witch.

  “If we didn’t work for Brownstone, would you have fireballed our asses?”

  Victoria laughed. “Something like that.” She twirled her wand with her fingers one last time before slipping it into a holster inside her jacket. The glyphs on her jacket vanished, as did the one in the air. “You loyal to Brownstone?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m loyal to no one. It’s all cost-benefit analysis to me.” She nodded down the alley as Shorty tackled and stunned Johns. “And the costs outweighed the benefits in this particular case.” She gave a little wave and sauntered toward the street. “Be careful, Mr. Garfield. It’s a dangerous world we live in, especially with all this magic floating around.”

  Entranced, Trey stared at her as she walked toward the street, her hips swaying.

  What a woman.

  “Yo, Trey,” Shorty shouted from the other end of the alley. “You wanna help me with this fucker?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Be right there.”

  Trey shook his head. He was now sure of a couple of things. Victoria Stone was hot, and the Brownstone Agency needed to be prepared for magical encounters.

  Fuck. Maybe I should have asked for her digits?

  James had the name and address, which meant he could skip the usual step of sniffing around contacts and go straight to the ass-kicking. He remained unsure if he should warn Schwartz he was coming or just barge in and demand the artifact. He rubbed his chin as he pondered the situation from his favorite new chair.

  The first plan might result in the man surrendering right away, but it also might end up with him readying a pile of explosives or traps. On the other hand, the second plan could end up with a man so startled he’d blast anything that moved.

  The tone of the amulet’s murmurs made it clear that it preferred the second alternative.

  You do your job, and I’ll do mine.

  James frowned. He needed to overwhelm the guy with something special. A quick call followed, but not to the target.

  “Verify identity,” replied a distorted voice.

  “James Brownstone.”

  “What do you need, Mr. Brownstone,” Heather asked, her voice now normal. “Something else come up with Parkour Penny?”

  “Nah. This is different. I wanted to place a call to a guy. I know where he lives, but I wanted it to be scarier than usual.”

  “’Scarier than usual?’”

  “Yeah. You’re a hacker. You can probably hack his microwave and shit, right? Threaten a man through his microwave, that’s got to make him piss his pants.”

  Heather laughed. “If it’s connected to the net I can get to it, and almost everything’s connected to the net these days.”

  James grunted. This was why he didn’t trust electronics.

  “I figure you hook me up to everything in the guy’s house, and I give him a little warning. Sound doable?”

  “Sure. Got an address?”

  The bounty hunter offered the address.

  “Give me a few minutes.”

  James spent the new few minutes reading about barbeque when his phone rang again with a call from a blocked number.

  “This is Brownstone,” he answered.

  “You ready?” Heather asked.

  “Yeah.

  “Okay, you’re on. I’ve got you talking through practically everything. TV, security cameras, even a drone feed and a dryer. The guy’s a paranoid fuck, but he’s not good enough to back up that paranoia.”

  The line clicked over.

  “What the fuck is wrong with the TV?” mumbled a man’s voice over the line.

  James cleared his throat. “Gregory Schwartz, can you hear me?”

  “Who the fuck is this?”

  “My name is James Brownstone. I’m a bounty hunter.”

  “I don’t know what game you’re playing at, Brownstone, but I’v
e got no bounties on me so you should fuck off. And you shouldn’t mess around with people unless you know about them.”

  James grunted. “Look, asshole, consider this a courtesy call. You took something that doesn’t belong to you. I’m going to come soon and collect it. You hand it back, and I walk away and you never have to worry about me again, but you make this difficult, you’re gonna get hurt.”

  Schwartz laughed. That wasn’t the reaction the bounty hunter had been expecting.

  “Get hurt?” Schwartz yelled. “Get hurt? You’ll invade my home with your tricks and fucking threaten me, you meathead piece of shit? I know all about you, Brownstone. You’re nothing. You think you’re tough. I have artifacts you can’t even begin to imagine. Come at me, you stupid asshole. I’m going to shred you atom by atom, while you beg me to kill you to end the pain.” A loud bang came over the line. “How fucking dare you threaten me? After I’m done ripping your atoms apart, maybe I should go and fucking demonstrate my power like that witch did at the farmer’s market just so Smite-Williams learns to never, ever fuck with me. Come at me, Brownstone. Fucking come at me. I look forward to killing you and making your skull into a toilet.”

  Yeah, this guy’s not on the world’s most stable list.

  The amulet continued whispering and murmuring in James’ mind, obviously spoiling for a fight.

  Don’t worry, you’ll get your chance.

  James ended the call, and his phone rang a second later.

  “Yeah?”

  “I listened to all that,” Heather explained.

  “And?”

  “That guy’s fucked up. Totally unhinged.”

  James chuckled. “Yeah, a lot of these guys are. I don’t know if they start out that way, or if messing around with powerful magic does it. At least this asshole doesn’t have a nickname.”

  “Do you think he was telling the truth about killing people after he kills you?”

  “Yeah, I do. Gonna give him a little while to stew on things, then I’ll just handle him. Was hoping this didn’t have to get violent, but it doesn’t seem like I have a choice.”

  Heather sighed. “Okay. Discount.”

  “Discount?”

  “Maybe you’re used to psychos threatening to rip you apart atom by atom, but that’s kind of new for me. I’m going to give you a big discount and back you up when it comes time to take the guy down. That is, if you want it.”

  James thought it over for a few seconds. Shay used Peyton’s help to great effect, but James had never worried about that kind of thing before. Always seemed too complicated. Heather just watching his back didn’t seem that bad, though.

  “Guess it wouldn’t hurt to try once.”

  Trey and the boys sat around the table working on the casserole Aunt Charlyce had prepared. It’d been a good day. They’d bagged their target, a real scumbag, and no one had gotten hurt despite running into a witch and poor communication. The delicious food was a bonus.

  “You say this witch just walked off?” Aunt Charlyce asked.

  Trey nodded. “Johns was being an asshole, and she didn’t like his attitude.”

  His aunt smirked. “See, that’s the problem with men. They don’t know when to shut up.”

  The other bounty hunters continued to stuff their faces, less interested in the day than the food.

  Trey sighed. “The whole thing does make me think. We got to be careful when we hit the level threes, even if we don’t know about magic.”

  “You should always be careful.” Trey’s aunt spooned out more of the casserole for him. “And you should eat up.” She smiled, then sighed as she surveyed the table. “Good food, but always a mess after.”

  “Oh, yeah, that reminds me.” Trey pointed at Deshawn and Carl. “You two are on cleanup tonight.”

  Deshawn put down his fork. “Huh? Why me?”

  “Because we’re all gonna take turns, except Auntie Charlyce.”

  “Why not her?”

  “Because cooks don’t clean. I suggest you learn to cook if you don’t like to clean.”

  10

  James frowned as he made his way toward his front door. He needed to make a quick trip to Zoe’s place for a few more health potions. After the rant the other day it was obvious that Schwartz wasn’t even close to surrendering, and he’d have to handle the situation the more traditional straightforward Brownstone ass-kicking way.

  I knew I should have just barged in. Could have taken the fucker completely by surprise.

  His phone chimed with a text alert.

  AUTOMATED ALERT: Two new videos for Parkour Penny. Links follow.

  James frowned and tapped the first link. An awful and grainy night video of someone leaping rooftops followed. Given the distance and poor quality of the recording, he couldn’t even be sure it was a woman.

  This is the shit I’m worried about?

  “Here she is again,” blathered a male voiceover. “The mysterious woman we’ve taken to calling ‘Parkour Penny.’ The guy who recorded this video said he spotted her several minutes before, but he had to concentrate on keeping up with her before he could try to get some video. That’s the grace and elegance of our Goddess of Movement.”

  James snorted. He’d describe Shay many ways, but not graceful and elegant. This was a woman who complained about assassins being pussies because they didn’t get close enough to targets to get their blood on them.

  Some additional banal filler followed until the end of the short video. James started the second.

  Okay, this is more of a problem.

  In the new video someone was following Parkour Penny, and even from a distance, James could recognize his dark-haired girlfriend, if only from her movements. The camera angle suggested a headcam.

  Shay leapt from one building to another and the cameraman followed, but she had a couple dozen yards on him for most of the video.

  That’s impressive, but it’s also not shit I’m ever gonna be doing. Parkour makes even running complicated. How the fuck do you make running complicated? Guess that’s the French for you.

  Another voiceover kicked in with commentary. “You have to think that a woman who can move like that has a hell of a nice body, and I love me a tight, athletic body.”

  James gritted his teeth.

  “Yep,” offered another voice. “This is an athlete with no fear. I think she’d be a hellcat in bed. Screw the fantasy of being with a gymnast. I want to be with a parkour woman.”

  James grunted, his hand tightening around his phone. These assholes were talking about his woman.

  “I wasn’t able to get close to her that night,” continued the first voice, “but maybe next time.”

  “Shit. I think that if a man can’t keep up with her, he doesn’t even have the right to think about asking her out. You should just give up now.”

  You assholes can’t keep up with the real Shay. I’m a real man, not you.

  “Screw you,” the first man responded. “I’ve gotten closer than almost anyone. I’m sure she’s watching these videos. She’ll contact me when the time is right.”

  You fuckers stay away from Shay, or I’ll show what it’s like to sail through the air after I punt your asses.

  James snorted and then took a deep breath. What was he even worried about? It wasn’t like Shay was going to leave him for some parkour asshole. She still needed to be careful about getting caught, but so far, it seemed like her issue was more groupies than cops coming after her.

  Guess she can feel a little of the bullshit I have to deal with. Maybe next time Tyler sets me up, I won’t have to worry about getting rid of the video.

  James finished the video on mute and headed out the front door. He had more important things to worry about, like healing potions and kicking Gregory’s Schwartz’s ass.

  Fucker was probably lusting over Shay too.

  A long, winding road continued up the hill. After his trip to Zoe, James headed toward the address, which brought him into an unincorporated area in
the San Gabriel Valley foothills. A few homes dotted the road on either side, but at least James wouldn’t have to worry about innocent people being caught up in his fight with Schwartz.

  Unless the fucker opens some magic portal to another dimension.

  James scoffed. The man talked a good game, but the bounty hunter doubted Schwartz was as badass as his rant. People who were both strong and vicious didn’t rely on tricks like illusions to take what they wanted. It was obvious Schwartz wanted to convince James he was a threat to scare him off, but the bounty hunter wasn’t buying it.

  Yeah, he’ll probably be crying by the time this is over. Maybe I should make him record an apology to the Professor?

  The amulet whispered something in James’ mind. For a second, he almost thought he could understand the words. Something about enemies and strength. Even without full understanding, the amulet’s desire to test itself against Schwartz was obvious.

  “I’ve got you on long-range from my drone,” Heather reported via James’ earpiece. “You sure you want to use jammers? I won’t be able to help you as much. I’ll keep this drone flying outside jamming range, but it’s too far to get good IR from the house. I’ll still do my best to hit the household defenses, but Schwartz has already disabled a lot of them from what I can tell. I can’t communicate with you under jamming even if I can hack his hardline stuff, but he’s already killed the power in the house to disable his electronics so not much I’ll be able to do.”

  “Don’t worry about it. He wants me to come. Arrogant fuck. Just keeping an eye on him has been helpful. If I need more help, I’ll kill the secondary jammer once I’m inside.”

  “If you’re sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  James stopped his F-350 in front of a rusty metal gate blocking the final stretch of the road. A weathered ranch house stood at the end of the road a few hundred feet up in the hills.

  A huge TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT sign hung on the front of the gate right next to an equally large NO SOLICITING sign.

  “I hope Shay’s having a fun time on her tomb raid,” James mumbled. “I don’t think this shit’s gonna be fun at all, even if it ends up being easy. Stupid Schwartz.”