The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus

by Michael Anderle

  A smiling waiter pushed out of the back and headed toward his table. “We don’t get a lot of celebrities in here.” He pulled out his phone and held it up. “Mind if I get a picture, Mr. Brownstone?”

  James shrugged. He’d gotten used to this sort of thing. “Knock yourself out.”

  The man eating brisket glanced his way but then returned his attention to his meat.

  That’s how shit should be in a barbeque place. Fuck celebrities. Barbeque’s the most important thing.

  The waiter snapped a photo of James and pocketed his phone. “I’d recommend, for a man of your discerning tastes, our Trip Around the Carolinas pork platter. One-third East Carolina, one-third North, one-third South. Comes with fries.”

  James shook his head. “I don’t care about the fries, but that sounds good.”

  “I’ll be back soon, Mr. Brownstone.”

  Twenty minutes later, James licked the sauce off his fingers. The restaurant wasn’t Jessie Rae’s, but it was hitting the spot.

  The brisket commando had already left but had asked for a selfie right before his departure. James obliged, but couldn’t help but notice that he was now alone in the dining room. It was an excellent opportunity for an abrupt RPG, fireball, or machine gun attack.

  James glowered through the window. Anyone daring to blow up a barbeque restaurant had better hope they found a portal to Oriceran as soon as possible. Only a few things in his life were sacred, but the church and barbeque were high on his list.

  The bounty hunter returned to his trip through the Carolinas, only taking his attention off his delicious sauce-covered pork when the door opened.

  A small boy who looked to be around four or five stepped inside and held the door open. A pretty twenty-something black-haired woman in a wheelchair rolled in next.

  James stared at her, surprised. She rolled his way, the boy trailing her.

  The bounty hunter set his most recent victim, an East Carolina rib, back on his tray. “Heather?”

  The woman gave him a faint smile. “Not what you expected?”

  The boy pulled up a chair beside his mother and sat, watching James.

  James shrugged. “I don’t know what I expected. Maybe someone with a lot of tattoos who wore hoodies or something?” He glanced toward the boy. “Finding out about him the other day was a surprise.”

  The boy reached for a rib with a question in his eyes.

  James nodded. “Go ahead, kid. I’ve got plenty.”

  The boy smiled and snatched a rib from the tray. Hard to hate a kid who understood the deliciousness of barbeque.

  Heather sighed. “Thanks for coming, James. I wasn’t sure if you would.”

  “If I didn’t want to come I would have said so. I don’t do bullshit games.” He frowned and gestured toward her legs. “But yeah, kind of surprised by that.”

  “You never thought a hacker might be disabled?”

  James shook his head. “Just these days, even if you can’t get something fixed by normal doctors, you can usually use magic. You still have your legs, so someone could do something for you.”

  Heather sighed. “Magic isn’t that different than medicine, though. It can go wrong. Not only that, it’s expensive. I can’t risk spending a bunch of money on expensive magic that might not even work, especially when I need that money to take care of my son and…hide.”

  The waiter came by, and James ordered another tray. He waited for the man to depart before continuing.

  “Why hide, though? This Eddie ass…” He glanced at the boy, but the child seemed more interested in his food than James’ mouth. “You didn’t have a problem with Eddie until recently.”

  Heather sighed. “Sure. I have a problem with him in that he’s looking my way, but I’ve poked around in a lot of big systems, and it’s not like my job is strictly legal. It’s better that I keep a low profile, just in case someone’s looking for me. You never know. I’m careful normally, but I let my guard down when I helped you with Schwartz. I think I let that psycho rattled me.”

  “Not gonna tell you how to live your life, but I can help you with Eddie at least.”

  The waiter returned with another large tray of barbeque and set it down on the table, along with more napkins.

  James grabbed another rib. “So, you said you could get Eddie and his guys somewhere easy for me to catch them. Did you do that?” He took a bite. Too much cayenne this time. He frowned.

  Heather nodded. “Yes. They’re at a bar a few miles from here. They are waiting for, well, me to show up, though they think I’m a guy.”

  “And you’re sure they’re still there?”

  She pulled out her phone and brought up a camera feed. A scarred muscular man with a buzzcut sat at a table drinking a beer. Two rough-looking men sat with him.

  James set his food down, licked his fingers, and then used a napkin to wipe them off. He stood. “Make sure no one takes my tray. I don’t think this will take long.” He headed out the door.

  Heather wiped away a tear, all the tension in her muscles and stomach releasing. It’d been a long time since she had screwed up so badly, let alone put her son at risk. She patted her lap and smiled at her son. “Do you want to sit with Mommy and watch the bad guys get beat up?”

  “Yes, Mommy.” Her son hurried over to her.

  Please, James. I know you can stop these guys.

  17

  James pulled into the bar’s parking lot. Judging by the cars and trucks filling the area, not many people had left in the few minutes it’d taken him to drive from the Secret Sauce to the bar.

  Fuck. This isn’t the Black Sun. Don’t want to fuck this place up just because some assholes are in it.

  He reached toward the amulet, but then dropped his hand. It was nice to not have to deal with the whispers, and he didn’t need that kind of power for a level three and a couple of levels twos.

  No grenades. No knives. The only things other than his gun he needed to bring to the party were a few extra zip ties.

  After nodding, the bounty hunter hopped out of his F-350 and strode into the crowded bar. A loud country song blared from the speakers, and more than a few men in flannel and cowboy boots looked his way before returning to their conversations and drinks. The crowd was nothing more than regular men and women having a good time and enjoying their drinks.

  A few more people glanced his way and he saw recognition on the faces of some, but no one approached him.

  Eddie and his goons radiated menace, which explained why the tables near them were empty.

  James marched over to the bartender. He wanted to make the situation clear.

  The bartender looked up. “What can I get for you… Oh shit.” His eyes widened. He swallowed, and his gaze flicked toward Eddie’s table. “You’re here for them, aren’t you? Look, man, I don’t want any trouble here. We’re not a criminal bar. They just showed up here. Never seen them before.”

  “Then just stay out of the way and don’t piss me off.”

  The bartender nodded, and James stomped over to Eddie’s table. He needed to clear the assholes out before he could let loose.

  The bounty looked up with a smug smile. “Now, lookie here. This is some shit I did not expect. The fabulous Scourge of Harriken himself in San Fran? You get around, Brownstone. Detroit, Vegas and now San Francisco.”

  James grunted. “Don’t be an idiot. You know how this shit goes down, Eddie.”

  The other man laughed and shrugged. His friends laughed, too.

  Eddie grinned. “Do I, Brownstone? Do I really?”

  “I don’t want trouble. The easy thing would be for you and your buddies here to give up. I’ll take you to the cops, and no one gets hurt.”

  Eddie ran his tongue between his teeth. “No one gets hurt? Where’s the fucking fun in that?” He traced his scar with his thumb. “Sometimes you feel the most alive when you get hurt. I think I want to feel alive, but I really want you to feel alive.””

  “So this isn’t gonna go
down easy? You’re gonna be a dumbass?”

  “No fucking way I’ll surrender to you, Brownstone.”

  James shrugged. “Fine. You’re right. It’ll be more fun that way for me.” He nodded toward the door. “How about we take this outside, then?”

  “Why? You afraid of all these people seeing your ass get kicked?”

  “Nope.” The bounty hunter pointed at the bartender. “If you win, you might want a drink after.”

  Come on, asshole. Take the bait.

  Eddie chuckled and pushed himself up. “Fine, then, Brownstone, but let me be clear. I’m not saying you’re not gonna die out there. I like your style, but you made the mistake of getting in my face, and I figure you’re also the guy who got in the middle of my business with Schwartz.”

  James grunted and headed toward the door. “You should be glad I took care of Schwartz.”

  “Come on, boys. Let’s go have a discussion with the fabulous James Brownstone.”

  Noah snuggled against his mother. “What’s going on, Mommy? Are those men going after Mr. Brownstone?”

  Heather held her phone in front of them. The audio wasn’t great, but she could follow what was being said at the table.

  “Yes. Mr. Brownstone is going to take care of them. Then we won’t have to worry about them.”

  Noah looked up at her. “Why are they bad men?”

  “Because they hurt people, and they might want to hurt you or me.”

  Heather had tried to shield her son from this sort of thing, but it was important that he know the truth of what was going on. They’d probably never have a normal life, and the sooner he accepted that, the better.

  I know I screwed up, but James can still make this right.

  Noah looked back down at the screen and frowned. “Why don’t he just beat them up right away?”

  “Because he doesn’t want to cause trouble for anyone else.”

  The waiter came up behind them. “Is there… Oh, is this live?”

  Heather looked over her shoulder and nodded. “Yes.”

  “I’ve seen stuff from news helicopters with Brownstone or drone footage, but never something that close.” The waiter pulled up a chair beside them. “Those guys don’t look that scared, do they? Do you think they recognize him?”

  “They recognize him. They just think they can beat him.”

  The waiter scoffed. “Idiots.”

  James stepped out of the bar. Eddie and his two cronies followed a few seconds later.

  “Oh, darn. We don’t get to see it.” The waiter sighed.

  Noah stuck out his lip. “I wanna see Mr. Brownstone beat up the bad men.”

  Heather smiled at her son. “Don’t worry. I’ve got this.” A few quick swipes and taps brought up a feed from an external camera and a low-flying drone of hers circling on a preprogrammed flight path. She needed to see it, if only to verify the end of the threat.

  “Yay!” Noah clapped.

  The waiter joined him.

  James kept walking away from the building until he stood in the middle of the parking lot, a frown on his face. He cracked his knuckles. Eddie and his men sauntered toward him, chuckling like they were about to have a dance-off and not a fight.

  Heather sighed. Eddie had no clue who he was about to fight.

  James frowned. He’d convinced the bounties to leave the building, but there were still a lot of cars around. He’d need to make sure that he confined himself to the emptier area of the parking lot. If there was one thing he appreciated, it was a man’s love for his car or truck.

  He stepped toward the less populated part of the lot.

  “Where the fuck you going, Brownstone?” Eddie called. “Running already? I haven’t even done anything yet.”

  His cronies laughed.

  The bounty hunter didn’t respond until he reached his destination. “Just wanted somewhere with more room.”

  “More room?” Eddie started toward him. His men fell in on either side. “Damn, Brownstone, for an alleged badass, you’re sure a fussy bitch.”

  “My girlfriend thinks I have OCD. Maybe she’s right.” James shook his head. “Still doesn’t have to go down like this, Eddie. You can give up right now.”

  He didn’t care about hurting Eddie, but there was still a major risk of property damage.

  The bounty laughed. “You know what, Brownstone? I think you’re full of shit, and not so tough.” The man punched at the air a few times. “Check it out, Brownstone. Did you know I used to box?” He nodded at his friends in turn. “These guys, well, they didn’t grow up playing Parcheesi. We’re tough fuckers, even without our guns.”

  “That mean you’re not gonna try and shoot me?”

  “Nah. Not yet, anyway. Where’s the fun in that? You see, I’ve got a theory about you, Brownstone. I’ve read a lot about it on the internet. People agree with my idea.” Eddie jabbed at the air a few more times and grinned. “You know what my theory is?”

  “What? That you’re a complete dumbass?”

  “Nah.” Eddie laughed. “My theory is you’re nothing. You’re shit. That you’re a big lie. A trick the cops are playing on all us. They help you take down people but give you all the credit, so then you can go around and make people wet their pants and give up right away. Sure, cops have to pay out a bounty, but they have to do it anyway. Fucking actor playing at being a badass.”

  “You seriously believe that?”

  “I know it’s true.”

  James chuckled and shook his head. “You think my rep’s entirely bullshit? You haven’t seen video of me doing takedowns?”

  “Video? Fuck video. That shit was easy to fake even before all these elves and shit starting walking all over.” Eddie reached into his pocket and pulled out some brass knuckles to slide onto his hand. His men did the same.

  “You’re making a mistake, asshole.”

  Eddie tapped his forehead. “Nah, I’m all about the truth and smart. You know I was telling people back in high school about how what most people think is bullshit. I did a report, you know, on pyramids, and how I knew it had to be aliens who built ‘em.”

  “It wasn’t aliens. It was Atlanteans.”

  James almost laughed. He wasn’t sure if it was the beer or arrogance, but Eddie was a chatty guy. At least he hadn’t opened fire.

  Eddie shrugged. “Same fucking difference. The point is Brownstone, I can smell bullshit, and I smell it from you. No one man can be as tough as you. Taking out an entire gang by yourself? Fuck that. It’s bullshit.”

  “I had a couple of people helping me with the Harriken toward the end.” The bounty hunter shrugged. “So not just one man.”

  “Get a load of this fucker. He thinks he can mindfuck me.” Eddie and his men laughed. “That’s it, Brownstone. I’m done playing around. I’m gonna fucking beat you so badly that it’ll take you six months to heal up, but I’m not gonna kill you. You see, after I fucking beat you down, I’m gonna get my phone out and record your broken-down ass and upload that to the internet for everyone to see so everyone knows that you’re a lie.” He pounded his chest. “I’m gonna be a fucking warrior of truth, you bullshit lie.”

  James gestured for them to come at him. “Less talk, more beat-down. Prove it, asshole.”

  Eddie snickered. “Stay here, guys. I’ll handle this.” He approached James with his fists raised and a smirk on his face.

  The bounty hunter shook his head. This wouldn’t even require the amulet. Pathetic.

  The criminal finished his approach and threw a punch. James blocked it, but Eddie followed with a quick jab into his stomach.

  James grunted and stumbled back.

  Eddie grinned. “Yeah, I thought so. You’re nothing but a name.”

  He threw another punch, but James dodged and grabbed his other arm as the criminal came in for the follow-up attack. James backhanded the criminal.

  The bounty spun several times before hitting the ground.

  “Don’t piss me off, Eddie.”


  He hopped to his feet and wiped blood off his face, still grinning. “Okay, so you got a hit in. I’ll give you that.” He nodded to his men. “Brownstone wants us to take him seriously, so let’s fucking take him seriously, boys.”

  The other two men advanced, and Eddie backed up to join them.

  “You guys aren’t even worth a quality beat-down,” James rumbled. He slammed his fist into his palm. “And it’s only because I’m not in a bad mood that I’m not kicking the shit out of you.”

  One of the men leaned down and grabbed a loose chunk from the parking lot. He pointed toward the F-350. “That old piece of shit is yours, isn’t it? Everyone talks about how you drive some shit from twenty years ago.”

  James growled. “Fuck off.”

  All three men laughed. The level two hurled the chunk toward the F-350’s windshield. It slammed into the truck and cracks spiderwebbed out from the point of impact.

  James took several deep breaths, his hands clenching into fists. “I was trying to be nice about this shit.” He stomped forward. “But you fuckers had to go and do something you should have never done.”

  Eddie snorted. “What the fuck? You mad because we hurt your stupid little piece-of-shit truck? I’ll give you five dollars. That’s how much it’s worth.”

  James growled and charged. Eddie tried to get in a body blow, but the bounty hunter slammed a boot into the man’s chest. The criminal’s eyes widened as he traveled several yards before smashing into the ground. He groaned.

  Another of the men swung his fist, and James grabbed his arm and yanked him forward. The thud of the savage follow-up headbutt was almost as loud as the crack of the chunk against his windshield. The man’s eyes rolled up, and he fell to the ground.

  The chunk-thrower leapt for James in a brave attempt at a tackle. The bounty hunter brought up his knee and the criminal hissed in pain at the contact.

  James grabbed the man, not letting him fall to the ground. He smashed his fist into the man’s face three quick times before tossing the battered and bleeding man to the ground.