by K. I. Lynn
“Morning?” I asked in a scratchy voice. Ah, yes, the sun coming from the left side of the window.
Nathan smirked. “Morning.”
He handed me my water, and I took multiple large, greedy gulps. “Thank you,” I said, handing him back the half empty cup.
“You’re welcome.”
“I probably stink.” The thought popped directly from my head to my mouth.
He chuckled. “Why do you say that?”
“I’ve been here for over a week and haven’t had a shower. I’m peeing through a tube. My hair has been washed with dry shampoo, and I’ve had a couple of sponge baths, but I just feel gross and can’t wait to get home,” I said while trying to be sly and sniff my hair, which he caught. I wanted a shower in the worst way.
“About that,” he began, his hand reaching up to rub his neck. “We’re working on getting everything ready for your release. We’ve mapped out a loose schedule so you’re never without anyone.”
“What?” I questioned, blinking up at him. Schedule? “We’re? Contraction for ‘we are.’ As in more than one. We as in a group of people?”
“That way someone will always be around if you need anything,” he replied.
I stared at him in disbelief. I was being babysat? “I don’t need anyone’s help. I can take care of myself.”
“Really?” His voice was laced with sarcasm and anger. His jaw tensed. “You can’t even walk! How are you going to get to the bathroom? How are you going to get your meds on time? How are you going to eat?”
“I can do it alone. I’ve taken care of myself my whole life, and I can do it now. I don’t need your help!” My lungs protested, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. At least some part of me was getting a little bit better.
“Like fucking hell you don’t! The doctor says you won’t be able to walk on the crutches for about three weeks, which means you’re confined to a wheel chair to get around. How the hell are you going to get yourself in and out of the chair? You’ll end up ripping out your stitches, and you’ll be in pain from the exertion. Trust me on that.”
“I can do it on my own.”
It was stupid, I knew that. He was right, but I hated he’d decided everything without consulting me. I was still trying to sort out my feelings, and he was pushing himself into my life.
“Why the hell are you being so damn stubborn about this?” he asked in exasperation. Tears welled in my eyes, and his hand cupped my face to wipe them away. “Please, Lila. Let us take care of you. Let me take care of you. Pick another battle, but stop fighting me on this one.”
“Why? Why do you care?”
“You know why,” he replied, his forehead resting on mine. He took a deep breath and sat up, grabbed my hand, and placed it over his chest, over his heart. “I’m yours. All that I am, if you want it. I’m not much, but I know I can be so much more with you.”
I swallowed hard. I’d never been taken care of with the exception of the time I spent with Teresa and Armando. I wasn’t used to it. It felt…wrong on some level. Maybe that was because the few times my dad ever did anything like that was when we were in public, and I paid for it somehow when we got home. So, what would the price be here?
Logically, I knew there was none. Nathan and his family were doing things for me because they wanted me to get better. They all had a genuine care for my well-being, and not one born out of obligation.
Nathan’s gaze was locked on something outside the room, his expression blank. My eyes followed his to the opened door of the room across the way. The window shades were open, exposing another wing of the hospital.
“Nathan?” He still had my hand in his grip, but he was lost, his mind somewhere else.
“That wing is new. Before, you could see out to the interstate. There was a gap between the buildings, and when the leaves were down you could see a glint of the art museum in the distance.” His vision was still locked on the room, out the window. With a tight grip, and clenched jaw, his gaze moved back to me. “I spent six months in that room.”
“In that exact room?” My voice went up in pitch and my eyes widened.
He nodded. “After that, I was moved into my parents’ house where I spent almost a year. I hated having to depend on them, to depend on anyone. I got angry and lashed out at them on many occasions. I was lucky I had people who were willing and wanted to take care of me, to help me get better. You have that, too, Lila.” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “You’re not alone in this, and it’s only for a couple of weeks until you’re able to get around on your own.”
“I…I need some time to think about it,” I said, staring up into his beautiful blue eyes. They were mesmerizing as he spoke, and if I wasn’t careful, he could have me agreeing to a lot more.
He smiled and sat back down, still holding my hand in his. It was an innocent enough gesture, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t bring me comfort.
I would also be lying if I said I didn’t want it and much, much more.
An hour later, Nathan left to get some food; I wasn’t alone for long though, because Teresa showed up to spend time with me. I could tell she wanted to talk about something, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle it right then. So much had been going on over the previous days, and I had so many drugs in my system I didn’t even remember half of the conversations I had.
“He’s in love with you,” she said, not even bothering to ease into it. “I’ve been watching him for the past few days, and that statement is true whether you want to believe it or not.”
“How do you know?” I wanted, I needed, someone to tell me the truth. The real truth I either couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see.
She contemplated before speaking. “It’s the little things. He’s always around.”
“He feels guilty.”
“He’s considerate of your state: emotional and physical,” she pointed out.
“He doesn’t want me to get worked up.”
“The soft, loving looks and touches,” she countered with more force.
I blinked back a few tears. “I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can put myself out there, give myself to him again. How do I trust him with my heart?”
“Time. He’s offered himself to you on a silver platter as penance.”
Tears slipped down my cheek. “I don’t want it as penance!”
“Oh, Lila,” she said with a sigh, her fingers running over my hair. “He wants you. He wants to love you and take care of you. That’s why he’s doing all of this. For you. He wants you to know him, hear him out. Do that, and then think about it, don’t just react like you have been; think. Then make a decision on what you want to do.”
I sighed before nodding. “Okay. I’ll listen.”
“Good,” she said with a nod. “Now that we have that settled, I wanted to go over the schedule with you.”
“I told him no!” I groaned in frustration.
“And, damn it, I say yes.” My eyes popped at her curse. “Delilah, you are not alone anymore. There are people who want to take care of you. Not because they have to, but because they love you.”
I knew of all people Teresa cared for me. I trusted her, and her opinion. And to be truthful, it felt good to be taken care of, something I’d never had before. I didn’t know how to handle it all, though, and reacted poorly. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I had control over nothing, not even going to the bathroom, and that was a very difficult thing for me to relinquish.
Control was what I had been granted when I contacted Joan to be removed from my family. I ended up a very stubborn person because I was afraid. I felt if I gave up one ounce of control, I was losing, and being in the hospital, I’d lost a lot. That was probably why I liked to give up control in the bedroom – a release from my own made chains.
“Okay,” I relented. I needed the help, and I trusted Teresa.
She would be there. What I was afraid of was spending the evenings with Nathan. I didn
’t know if I could take being that close to him without breaking down or mauling him. Not that I had the energy for mauling.
She smiled and kissed my forehead.
“It’s okay to be scared, mi niña, but I see good things, wonderful things, once the clouds have dissipated. Love is a beautiful thing.”
I nodded, tears once again streaming down my face. My chest was tight, trying to hold on as I let go.
CHAPTER 4
In and out. In and out.
I felt like my hospital room was a revolving door. Strange that it took a car accident for me to feel wanted for once in my life. Then again, half of them were Nathan’s family, people I’d just met.
The people who came did so because they wanted to see me. They were worried about how I was, if I was bored, and some were worried about my future with Nathan.
Nathan’s whole family was very kind and set on keeping me entertained, keeping my mind off the pain when I was awake. The meds kept me pretty sedated, but almost every time I woke, someone was there.
Sarah, Erin, Teresa, and I could be found playing cards from time to time, or some game someone brought in. Movies came and went, and I was now caught up on many of the recent blockbusters. Well, those I didn’t end up falling asleep watching, which, thanks to all the drugs, was quite often.
Nathan was always there in some capacity, with the exception of work and sleep. Many times he was running errands, usually for non-hospital food for me and whatever guests I had. I still needed time, but there was always touching. It was as if he needed verification I was alive: small caresses and kisses, looks of longing. His declaration and actions left me…confused.
I looked over to the wall, counting down the minutes until he returned, knowing the minute he showed up, I’d be counting the minutes until he left.
It was a sick game my mind played on me.
My heart fluttered when his body filled the space in the doorway, carrying a bag from one of my favorite restaurants.
He smiled as he set it on the table in front of me, leaning down to kiss my forehead before a look of guilt crossed his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my eyes following him as he took a step back and tried to hide his cocky grin.
“Nothing.” He grabbed the nearest chair and dragged it over. The legs made an awful scraping sound against the floor. He sat down on the edge, grinning at me. “Anything exciting happen while I was gone?”
“Nope.” I kept staring at him. He’d crack eventually. It was clear he was hiding something, and I could wait him out.
“Shame.”
“Shame you’re acting like a lunatic. Did you find some happy pills in the hallway on the way in? You better tell me…”
“Well, I’m sure you’re bored out of your mind when you’re alone. Not to mention, how many times can you work on the puzzles in the paper, or play solitaire? I know your brain is fuzzy from the drugs and it’s hard to concentrate.” He was spot on there, but he, of all people, should know what it felt like.
I blinked and swallowed. “Okay, so after you took the happy pills, did you tell the doctor with the ice pick you didn’t want a lobotomy? Why did you let him steal the one proper functioning part of your—”
His arm reached around to his back pocket, the movement causing curiosity to cut me off.
My eyes flew open when he pulled out a DVD from behind him.
“Did you bring me porn?” My voice broke.
“Not exactly…” He smirked and held the movie or whatever it was between his two flattened palms.
“Then what? Homemade porn?” That thought excited me.
He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Come on, do you think they’d let me visit again if I brought you something like that? Besides, I know you can look that stuff up on your phone.”
“Hey!” I pursed my lips and gave a mock scowl.
“It’s something I had to call around to find,” he said.
“Goddammit, Thorne, you’re killing me here. What the hell is it?” I gripped the bars on the bed with my good hand and shook the frame a little for dramatic effect.
It hurt a little, but it was worth it to watch him spring to action.
“Honeybear! Don’t do that. Are you okay?” He inspected me, checked my IV and glanced over my arms, touching them as he went. It gave me chills at the same time my stomach flipped at his term of endearment. “You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”
I gave him a pitiful expression, then when he was distracted, snagged the DVD from his grip and stuck my tongue out at him.
His jaw dropped, then he grinned and chuckled. “Brat.”
“Asshole. That never seems to change—lobotomy and happy pills or not.” I inspected the case to find out what it was. My whole being stopped when I saw the front.
The 1943 edition of Jane Eyre.
“You know you like it,” he said, looming over me.
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Say thank you. That’s what I was told to say after my lobotomy.” He tapped his forehead.
“Thank you. But how did you know?”
It was my favorite of the classics I’d been forced to read in high school, and the only one I liked. I read it over and over and as I devoured the words, I felt like I was reading about myself in some ways. I could relate to Jane—she became my role model—and I hoped one day for my own Mr. Rochester.
In my heart, I knew I’d found him in Nathan even if my heart hurt. I dared to hope, even with as angry as I was.
“I have my ways.” He leaned over and kissed my temple.
Normally, I would have glared at him for doing that, but I was speechless at his gift.
“Teresa?” He confirmed my suspicion with a nod, pressing his lips together. “That woman…” I shook my head, still smiling. I was living with her when I first rented it from the library. She sat next to me when I watched it for the first time, and didn’t mind when I watched it again and again.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all have our little unmentionable fetishes.” He laughed.
I was pretty sure I knew all of his.
“Well, fuck, if that’s what they teach you after lobotomies, maybe I need to get one, too.” I hugged the DVD to my chest. “Let’s keep this crazy to ourselves.”
“I already told the nurses you’d want to be left alone tonight.”
I grinned. I sure would.
I tucked the case under the covers, the smile unable to leave my face. There was nothing wrong with romantic fantasies, and it had been a long time since I let myself indulge in such things.
The perv loved every minute of my reaction, my face reddening with each passing second. Damn him and his goofy lobotomy grin. There was a resurgence of some feeling in my body, and I knew it had nothing to do with the drugs in my system.
I stared out at the crashing blue waves, my hands sinking into the warm sand. The sun was bright overhead, and in the background I heard laughing.
Not really a laugh, but a giggle, high-pitched and full of glee. I scanned the beach and saw a familiar brown-haired man.
Nathan.
He was off a little ways to my left, chasing a small girl. Her hair was the same light brown as his, reflecting brightly under the strong light of the sun. I moved to stand, to go to them, but my movement was restricted. I felt weighted down, too heavy to properly move.
Looking down, I found my stomach, bulging out from between my hips, round and full. Out of nowhere there was a giggling sound, pulling my attention away from the mountain that my stomach had transformed into. To my right, there was a little boy, clapping as he watched Nathan play with the little girl. The child’s hair was white-blond, and when he turned to me, a warmth spread through me. Those eyes. The same deep blue color as Nathan’s were boring into me. I smiled reflexively at him.
“Daddy and Anna play. I play too!” He squealed in excitement, his words slurred by toddler speech.
They heard him and headed toward us. Nathan was
beaming while he watched the little girl run in our direction.
She bounded up to me. “Mommy! Mommy! Look at the shell I found!”
I took the large conch shell in my hand. “It’s beautiful, sweetie,” I said, admiring the colors of the recently abandoned shell. It hadn’t been bleached by the sun and the salt yet. I turned it around in my hands, stopping when a glint of light caught my eye. Looking at my left hand, I found a large diamond ring surrounded by two simple white gold bands.
“Anna, play!” The little boy cried out.
The little girl, Anna, took the small boy’s hand. “Come on, Jackson! Let’s go!”
His little Buddha belly protruded out as he stood, dancing about and unable to contain his delight at playing with his sister. They ran down the beach toward where the waves crawled up the sand.
“Not too far, Anna!” Nathan called out while plopping down next to me in the sand. He leaned forward and captured my lips. “Hello, beautiful.”
“Hi,” I replied, breathless.
“Mmm, you look good enough to eat. Mind if I have a nibble? I’m starving.”
At that, he lowered his head and began licking and nipping my neck. He was making funny growling noises as his head moved back and forth.
I started giggling at his actions. “Nate, the children,” I hissed under my breath.
“Are fine.” His actions slowed, and then his teeth sank farther into my flesh. My eyes widened, and the familiar heat that only Nathan could produce blazed through me. A moan slipped past my lips. “When we get home,” he whispered in my ear, “I’m going to do bad things to you.”
I licked my lips, and my breathing increased as my cheeks flamed. He pulled away, his face lighting up with a sly smirk.
I pouted. “That wasn’t nice.”
His head tilted back, his chest heaving, as a laugh I’d never heard from him came out. He wore a mischievous smile and winked at me before turning his attention to the two little ones who were laughing and running away from an incoming wave.
