In the Best Families

by Rex Stout

  “That’s one idea, I admitted. “Or what’s wrong with the Brooklyn Botanical

  Garden, especially on Easter? I’ll toss you for it.

  He was unmoved. “Come on, Goodwin, come on. I know you’re a card, I’ve heard all about you. Let’s go.

  “Give me one reason, good or bad. If you don’t mind?

  “I don’t know the reason. All I know is the word that came an hour ago, to pick you up and take you in. Maybe you shouldn’t have left the infant on the church steps on Easter Day.

  “Of course not, I agreed. “We’ll go get it.

  I eased away from the curb into traffic, with the police car trailing behind.

  Our destination, the Nineteenth Precinct Station, was not new to me. That was where I had once spent most of a night, conversing with Lieutenant Rowcliff, the

  Con Noonan of the New York Police Department.

  After escorting me in to the desk and telling the sergeant about it, my captor had a point to make. His name was not John F. O“Brien, it was John R. O“Brien.

  He explained to the sergeant that he had to insist on it because last year one of his heroic acts had been credited to John F., and once was enough, and he damn’ well wanted credit for spotting a wanted man on the street. That attended to, he bade me a pleasant good-bye and left. Meanwhile the sergeant was making a phone call. When he hung up he looked at me with a more active interest.

  “Westchester wants you, he announced. “Leaving the scene of a crime and leaving jurisdiction. Want to drag it out?

  “It might be fun, but I doubt it. What happens if I don’t?

  “There’s a Westchester man downtown. He’s on his way up here to take you.

  I shook my head. “I’ll fight like a cornered rat. I know fourteen lawyers all told. Ten to one he has no papers. This is one of those brotherly acts which I do not like. You’re on a spot, Sergeant.

  “Don’t scare me to death. If he has no papers I’ll send you downtown and let them handle it.

  “Yeah, I admitted, “that would let you out. But we can make it simpler for both of us if you care to. Get the Westchester D.A. on the phone and let me talk to him. I’ll even pay for the call.

  At first he didn’t like the idea and then he did. I think what changed his mind was the chance of picking up a piece of hot gossip on the murder of the month.

  He had to be persuaded, but when I told him the D.A. would be at the Rackham place and gave him the number, that settled it. He put the call in. However, he covered. When he got the number he made it clear that he merely wanted to offer the D.A. an opportunity to speak to Archie Goodwin if he wished to. He did. I circled the railing to get to the desk and took the phone.

  “Mr Archer?

  “Yes! This is-

  “Just a minute! I said emphatically. “Whatever you were going to say this is, I double it. It’s an outrage. It-

  “You were told to stay here, and you sneaked away! You left-

  “I was not told to stay there. You asked me if I was staying at Leeds’ place, and I said my bag was there, and you said you would want me to-day, and I said of course. If I had stayed at Leeds’ place I might have been permitted seven hours’ sleep. I decided to do something else with the seven hours, and they’re not up yet. But you see fit to ring a bell on me. I’ll do one of two things.

  I’ll have a bite of lunch and then drive up there, unaccompanied, or I’ll make it as hard as I possibly can for this man you sent to get me outside the city limits-whichever you prefer. Here he conies now.

  “Here who comes?

  “Your man. Coming in the door. If you decide you want to see me to-day, tell him not to trail along behind me. It makes me self-conscious.

  A silence. Then, “You were told not to leave the county.

  “I was not. By no one.

  “Neither you nor Wolfe was at home at eleven o’clock-or if you were you wouldn’t see my man.

  “I was in the Easter parade.

  Another silence, longer. “What time will you be here? At Birch vale.

  “I can make it by two o’clock.

  “My man is there?

  “Yes.

  “Let me talk to him.

  That was satisfactory. I liked that all right, except for one thing. After the

  Westchester dick was finished on the phone and it was settled that I would roll my own, and the sergeant had generously said that the Police Department would contribute the phone call, I asked the dick if he understood that I didn’t care to be tailed, and he replied that I needn’t worry because he was going back to

  Thirty-fifth Street to see Nero Wolfe. I didn’t care much for that, but said nothing because I hadn’t yet decided exactly what to say. So when I found a place on Lexington Avenue for a sandwich and a malted, I went first to a phone booth, called the house, and told Fritz to leave the chain bolt on, tell callers that Wolfe was out of the city and no more, and admit no one.

  Being on the move did help. Having decided, while touring the park and avenues, what my immediate trouble was, I now, on my way to Birchvale, got the whole thing into focus. Considering the entire picture, including the detail of putting the house up for sale and the lack of even one little hint for me, let alone a blueprint, it was by no means a bet that Wolfe had merely dived into a foxhole. Look how free Marko had been with his poor-young-friending. It was not inconceivable that Wolfe had decided to chuck it for good. A hundred times and more, when things or people-frequently me-didn’t suit him, he had told me about the house he owned in Egypt and how pleasant it would be to live there. I had always brushed it off. I now realised that a man who is eccentric enough to threaten to go and live in Egypt is eccentric enough to do it, especially when it gets to the point where he opens a package of sausage and has to run for his life.

  Therefore I would be a dimwit to assume that this was merely time out to gather ammunition and make plans. Nor could I assume that it wasn’t. I couldn’t assume anything. Was he gone for good, or was he putting on a charade that would make all his other performances look like piker stuff in comparison? Presumably I was to answer that question, along with others, by the light of experience guided by intelligence, and I did not appreciate the compliment. If I was finally and permanently on my own, very well; I would make out. But apparently I was still drawing pay, so what? The result of my getting the whole picture into focus was that as I turned in at the entrance to Birchvale I was sorer than ever.

  I was stopped at the entrance by one of Noonan’s colleagues, there on guard, and was allowed to proceed up the curving drive only after I had shown him four documents. Parking in a space at the side of the house that was bordered by evergreens, I walked around to the front door and was admitted by a maid who looked pale and puffy. She didn’t say anything, just held the door open, but a man was there too, one of the county boys whom I knew by sight but not by name.

  He said, “This way, and led me to the right, to the same small room I had seen before.

  Ben Dykes, sitting there at the table with a stack of papers, grunted at me, “So you finally got here.

  “I told Archer two o’clock. It’s one fifty-eight.

  “Uh-huh. Sit down.

  I sat. The door was standing open, but no sound of any kind came to my ears except the rustling of the papers Dykes was going through.

  “Is the case solved? I inquired courteously. “It’s so damn’ quiet. In New York they make more noise. If you—

  I stopped because I was being answered. A typewriter started clicking somewhere.

  It was faint, from a distance, but unmistakably a typewriter, with a professional at it.

  “I suppose Archer knows I’m here, I stated.

  “Don’t work up a lather, Dykes advised me without looking up.

  I shrugged, stretched my legs and crossed my ankles, and tried to see what his papers were. I was too far away to get any words, but from various aspects I finally concluded that they were typewritten signed statements of the family, guests,
and servants. Not being otherwise engaged at the moment, I would have been glad to help Dykes with them, but I doubted if it was worth the breath to make an offer. After the strain of trying to identify the papers, my eyes went shut, and for the first time I was aware how sleepy I was. I thought I had better open my eyes, and then decided it would show more strength of will if I kept awake with them shut…

  Someone was using my head for a cocktail shaker. Resenting it, I jerked away and made a gesture of protest with my fist closed, following up by opening my eyes and jumping to my feet. Backing away from me was a skinny guy with a long neck.

  He looked both startled and angry.

  “Sorry, I told him. “I guess I dozed off a second.

  “You dozed off forty minutes, Dykes declared. He was still at the table with the papers, and standing beside him was District Attorney Archer.

  “That leaves me, I said, “still behind seven hours and more.

  “We want a statement, Archer said impatiently.

  “The sooner the better, I agreed, and pulled my chair up. Archer sat at the end of the table at my left, Dykes across from me, and the skinny guy, with a notebook and pen, at the other end.

  “First, Archer said, “repeat what you told us last night about Mrs Rackham’s visit to Wolfe’s office with Leeds.

  “But, I objected, “that’ll take half an hour, and you’re busy. That’s routine.

  I assure you it won’t vary.

  “Go ahead. I want to hear it, and I have questions.

  I yawned thoroughly, rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms, and started. At first it was fuzzy, but it flowed easy after a minute or two, and it would have been a pleasure to have them compare it with a record from the previous recital if there had been one.

  Archer had some questions, and Dykes one or two. At the end Archer asked me,

  “Will you swear to that, Goodwin?

  “Sure, glad to. If you’ll pay the notary fee.

  “Go and type it, Cheney.

  The skinny guy got up, with his notebook, and left. After the door was closed

  Archer spoke.

  “You might as well know it, Goodwin; you’ve been contradicted. Mr Rackham says you’re lying about his wife’s conversation with Wolfe.

  “Yeah? How does he know? He wasn’t there.

  “He says that she couldn’t possibly have said what you report because it wasn’t true. He says that there was no question or misunderstanding about money between them. He also says that she told him that she suspected her financial affairs were being mishandled by Mr Hammond of the Metropolitan Trust Company, and that she was going to consult Nero Wolfe about it.

  “Well. I yawned. “That’s interesting. Leeds is on my side. Who’s on his?

  “No one so far.

  “Have you tried it out on Leeds?

  “Yes. As you say, he’s on your side. He has signed a statement. So has Mr

  Rackham.

  “What does Hammond say?

  “I haven’t-Archer paused, regarding me. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have told you that. You will keep it to yourself. It’s a delicate matter, to approach a responsible officer of a reputable bank on a thing like that.

  “Right, I agreed. “It’s also a delicate matter to call a millionaire a damn’ liar-that is, delicate for you. Not for me. I hereby call him a damn’ liar. I suppose he is a millionaire? Now?

  Archer and Dykes exchanged glances. “Save it if you want to, I said understandingly. “Leeds will tell me. If he knows. Does he?

  “Yes. The will was read to the family to-day. I was present. There are a number of bequests to servants and distant relatives. Mrs Frey gets this place and a million dollars. Leeds gets half a million. Lina Darrow gets two hundred thousand. The rest goes to Mr Rackham.

  “I see. Then he’s a millionaire, so it’s delicate. Even so, he’s a damn’ liar and it’s two to one. I’ll sign that statement in triplicate if you want it.

  Beyond that what can I say?

  “I want to make it three to one. Archer leaned to me. “Listen, Goodwin. I have great respect for Nero Wolfe’s talents. I have reason to, as you know. But I do not intend to let his whims interfere with the functions of my office. I want a statement from him supporting yours and Leeds’, and I mean to have it without delay. I sent a man to get it. This morning at eleven o’clock he was told that

  Wolfe wasn’t available and that you weren’t there and your whereabouts were not known. That was when an alarm was spread for you. I had a phone call from my man an hour ago. He had gone back to Wolfe’s house and had been told that Wolfe was out of the city, and that was all he could get.

  Archer made a hand into a fist, resting on the table. “I won’t stand for it,

  Goodwin. This is the toughest one I’ve had in my county since I took office, and

  I won’t stand for it. Whatever else he is, he’s a fat conceited peacock and it’s time somebody called him. There’s a phone you can use. Two hours from now, unless he’s here and talking to me, there’ll be a warrant for his arrest as a material witness. There’s the phone.

  “I doubt if you could paste material witness on him. He hasn’t been anywhere near here.

  “Nuts, Ben Dykes growled. “Don’t be a sap. She takes troubles to him Friday and gets murdered Saturday.

  I decided to take the plunge. The way I felt, it would have been a pleasure to let them go ahead with a warrant, but if I tried to stall I would need a very fancy excuse tomorrow when they saw the ad in the Gazette. So I thought what the hell, now is as good a time as any, and told them.

  “I can’t phone him because I don’t know where he is.

  “Ha ha, Dykes said. “Ha ha ha.

  “Yes, I admitted, “it could be a gag. But it isn’t. I don’t know whether he’s out of the city or not. All I know is that he left the house last night, while I was up here, and he hasn’t come back-no, that isn’t true. I also know that he called on a friend of his named Vukcic and arranged for his plants to be moved out and his cook to take another job. And he gave Vukcic a power of attorney.

  And he sent an ad to the Gazette announcing his retirement from the detective business.

  Dykes did not ha-ha again. He merely sat and frowned at me. Archer, his lips puckered, had his eyes focused on me, but as if he was trying to see not me but through me.

  That went on for seconds, and I got uncomfortable. I can meet a pair of eyes all right, but not two pairs at once, one in front and one off to the left.

  Finally Dykes turned his head to tell Archer, “This makes it nice.

  Archer nodded, not taking his regard from me. “It’s hard to believe, Goodwin.

  Til say it is. For him to-

  “No, no. It’s hard to believe that Wolfe and you would try anything as fantastic as this. Obviously he was absolutely compelled to. You phoned him from Leeds’ place last night, as soon as you could get to a phone after Mrs Rackham was murdered. That was-

  “Excuse me, I said firmly. “Not as soon as I could get to a phone after Mrs

  Rackham was murdered. As soon as I could get to a phone after I found out she had been murdered.

  “Very well. We’re not in court. He was leaning at me. That was shortly after midnight. What did you say to him?

  “I told him what had happened. I reported, as fully as I could in the time I had, everything from my arrival here up to then. If the operator listened in you can check with her. I asked if I should limit my talk with the cops to events here and leave the rest for him to tell, and he said no, I should withhold nothing, including all details of Mrs Rackham’s talk with him. That was all. As you know, I followed instructions.

  “Geez, Dykes said. “Son, it looks like your turn to sweat has come.

  Archer ignored him. “And after telling you to withhold nothing from the police,

  Wolfe suddenly decides, in the middle of the night, that he has had enough of detective work, sends an ad to a newspaper announcing his retirement, calls on a friend to ar
range for the care of his orchids-and what did he do then? I was so engrossed I may have missed something.

  “I don’t know what he did. He walked out. He disappeared.

  I was aware, of course, of how it sounded. It was completely cuckoo. It was all rayon and a yard wide. I damn’ near made it even worse by telling them about the sausage and the tear gas, of course without letting on that we knew who had sent it, but realised in time how that would go over in the circumstances. That wouldhave made a hit. But I had to say or do something, and decided to produce evidence, so I reached to my pocket for it.

  “He left notes on the table in his bedroom, I said, “for Fritz and Theodore and me. Here’s mine.

  I handed it to Archer. He read it and passed it to Dykes. Dykes read it twice and returned it to Archer, who stuck it in his pocket.

  “Geez, Dykes said again, looking at me in a way I didn’t like. “This is really something. I’ve always thought Nero Wolfe had a lot on the ball, and you too in a way, but this is about the worst I ever saw. Really. He turned to Archer.

  “It’s plain what happened.

  “It certainly is. Archer made a fist. “Goodwin, I don’t ask you to tell me.

  I’ll tell you. When you found Mrs Rackham there dead, you and Leeds agreed on a tale about the visit to Nero Wolfe. Leeds came here to break the news. You went to his place to phone Wolfe and report, both the murder and the tale you and

  Leeds had agreed on-or maybe Wolfe knew that already since you had pretended to investigate the dog poisoning. In any case, Wolfe knew something that he didn’t dare to try to cover and that, equally, he didn’t dare to reveal. What made it unbearably hot was the murder. So he arranged to disappear, and we haven’t got him, and it may take a day or a week to find him. But we’ve got you.

  The fist hit the table, not hard. “You know where Wolfe is. You know what he knows that he had to run away from. It is vital information required by me in my investigation of a murder. Surely you must see that your position is untenable, you can’t possibly get away with it. Twenty Nero Wolfes couldn’t bring you out of this with a whole skin. Even if he’s cooking up one of his flashy surprises, even if he walks into my office tomorrow with the murderer and the evidence to convict him, I will not stand for this. There is no written record of what you said last night. I’ll get the stenographer back in here and we’ll tear up his notebook and what he has typed, and you can start from scratch.