In the Best Families

by Rex Stout

  Directory, and shot the works.

  Late Saturday afternoon, with a package under my arm, I emerged from the elevator, went down the hall to the door of 1019, and backed off to give it a look.

  ARCHIE GOODWIN

  Private Detective

  Not bad at all, I thought, unlocking the door and entering. I had considered having the painter put beneath it “By Appointment Only, to keep the crowd down, but decided to save the extra three bucks. I put my package on the desk, unwrapped it, and inspected my new letterheads and envelopes. The type of my name was a little too bold, maybe, but otherwise it was pretty neat. I uncovered the typewriter, a rebuilt Underwood that had set me back $62.75, inserted one of the letterheads, and wrote:

  Dear Mrs Frey:

  If you still feel as you did when you phoned me on Wednesday, I would be glad to call on you to discuss the situation, with the understanding that I shall be representing no one but myself.

  My new business address and phone number are above. Ring me or write if you wish me to come.

  Sincerely,

  A.G.: hs

  I read it over and signed it. It looked businesslike, I thought, with the regulation initialling at the bottom, the ‘hs’ being for ‘himself. When I left, after putting the stationery in a drawer and getting things in order for the rush of business on Monday morning, I dropped the envelope in the mail chute. I was doing it that way, instead of phoning her, for three reasons: if she had changed her mind she could just ignore it; I had a date, purely personal, for the weekend; and I had drawn myself a salary cheque, the last one, for that week. On my way home I made a detour to Fifty-fourth Street, to tell Marko

  Vukcic what I had done, because I thought he should be the first to know.

  He made it not only plain but emphatic that he disapproved. I told him,

  “Experience tells me that pants wear out quicker sitting down than moving around. Intelligence tells me that it’s better to wait till you die to start to rot. I would appreciate it if you will convey that to him next time you write him or phone him.

  “You know perfectly good, Archie, that-

  “Not perfectly good. Perfectly well.

  “You know that I have said nothing, but nothing, that might make you think I can write him or phone him.

  “You didn’t need to. I know it’s not your fault, but where does it leave me? Let me know any time you get a buyer for the house, and I’ll move out.

  I left him still wanting to argue.

  I was not kidding myself that I had really cut loose, since I hadn’t moved my bed out, but the way I figured it a caretaker who is drawing no pay has a right to a room; and besides, Fritz was still sleeping there and we were splitting on the groceries for breakfast, and I didn’t want to insult either him or my stomach by breaking that up.

  I shall now have to specify when I say office-or, better, I’ll say office when I mean Wolfe’s office, and when I mean my Madison Avenue suite I’ll say 1019.

  Monday morning, arriving at 1019 a little after ten, I rang the phone-answering service and was told that there had been no calls, and then dug into the morning mail, which consisted of a folder from a window-cleaning outfit. After giving it full consideration, I typed notes on my new stationery to some personal friends, and an official letter to the City of New York giving notice of my change of address as a licensed detective. I was sitting trying to think who else I might write to when the phone rang-my first incoming call.

  I picked it up and told the transmitter plainly, “Archie Goodwin’s office.

  “May I speak to Mr Goodwin, please?

  Til see if he’s in. Who is calling, please?

  “Mrs Frey.

  “Yes, he’s in. This is me. You got my note?

  “It came this morning. I don’t know what you mean about representing no one but yourself.

  “I guess I didn’t make it very clear. I only meant I wouldn’t be acting as Nero

  Wolfe’s assistant. I’m just myself now.

  “Oh. Well-naturally, if you don’t even know where he is. Can you come this evening?

  To Birchvale?

  “Yes.

  “What time?

  “Say eight-thirty.

  “I’ll be there.

  You can’t beat that, I thought to myself as I hung up, for the first incoming call to a new office-making a deal with a client who has just inherited a country estate and a million monetary units. Then, fearing that if it kept up like that I might get swamped, I closed the office for the day and headed for

  Sulka’s to buy a tie.

  Chapter Eleven

  On my previous visit to Birchvale I had got the impression that Annabel Frey had her head on right side up, and her conduct that Monday evening strengthened it.

  For one thing, she had had sense enough not to gather that bunch around a dining table but invite them for half-past eight. With the kind of attitudes and emotions that were criss-crossing among those six people, an attempt to feed them at the same trough would have resulted in an acidosis epidemic.

  In her first phone call, Wednesday, she had indicated that it was not a tete-a-tete she had in mind, so I was expecting to find company, probably the widower and the cousin, but to my surprise it was a full house. They were all there when I was shown into the big living-room. Annabel Frey, as hostess there now, came to meet me and gave me her hand. The other five gave me nothing but dirty looks. I saw right off that my popularity index was way down, so I merely stood, gave them a cool collective greeting, and lifted a brow at my hostess.

  “It’s not you, Goodwin, the politician Pierce assured me, but in a raspy tone.

  “It’s simply the strain of this unbearable situation. We haven’t been all together like this since that terrible night. He glared at Annabel. “It was a mistake to get us here.

  “Then why did you come? Barry Rackham demanded, really nasty. “Because you were afraid not to, like the rest of us. We all hated to come, but we were all afraid to stay away. A bunch of cowards-except one, of course. You can’t blame that one for coming.

  “Nonsense, said Dana Hammond, the banker. The look he was giving Rackham was just the opposite of the kind of look a banker is supposed to give a millionaire. “It has nothing to do with cowardice. Not with me. By circumstances beyond my control I am forced into an association that is hateful to me.

  “Have they, Lina Darrow asked him sweetly, “finished with the audit of your department?

  “They haven’t finished anything, Calvin Leeds growled, and I didn’t know he was aiming at her until he went on. “Not even with wondering what you see in Barry

  Rackham all of a sudden-if it is sudden.

  Rackham was out of his chair, moving towards Leeds, snarling, “You can eat that,

  Cal, or-

  “Oh, stop it! Annabel stepped to head Rackham off. She whirled, taking them in.

  “My God, isn’t it bad enough without this? She appealed to me. “I didn’t know this was how it would be! To Rackham, “Sit down, Barry!

  Rackham backed away and sat. Lina Darrow, who had been standing, went and stretched out on a couch, detaching herself. The others stayed put, with Annabel and me on our feet. I have had plenty of contacts with groups of people, all kinds, who have suddenly had a murder explode among them, but I don’t think I have ever seen a bunch blown quite so high.

  Annabel said, “I didn’t want to have Mr Goodwin come and discuss it just with me. I didn’t want any of you to think-I mean, all I wanted was to find out, for all of us. I thought it would be best for all of us to be here.

  “All of us? Pierce asked pointedly. “Or all but one?

  “It was a mistake, Annabel, Hammond told herv“You can see it was.

  “Exactly what, Rackham inquired, “was your idea in sending for Goodwin?

  “I want him to work for us. We can’t let it go on this way, you all know we can’t. I’ll pay him, but he’ll be working for all of us.

  “All but one, Pierce insisted
.

  “Very well, all but one! As it is now, it isn’t all but one, it’s all of us!

  Lina Darrow sang out from the couch, “Is Mr Goodwin giving a guarantee?

  I had taken a chair. Annabel dropped into one facing me and put it to me. “What about it? Can you do anything?

  “I can’t give a guarantee, I told her.

  “Of course not. Can you do anything?

  “I don’t know. I don’t know how it stands. Shall I try sketching it?

  “Yes.

  “Stop me if I go wrong. It’s true I was here when it happened, but that’s no help except what I actually saw and heard. Does everyone know what I was here for?

  “Yes.

  “Then they understand why I wasn’t much interested in anyone but Rackham. And you and Miss Darrow, of course, but that interest wasn’t professional. It looks to me like a case that will probably never be solved by exhibits or testimony on facts. The cops have had plenty of good men on it, and if they had got anything usable on footprints or fingerprints, or getting the steak knife from the drawer, or alibis or time-tables, or something like shoes that had been worn in the woods, someone would have been arrested long ago. And they’ve had it for a month, so no kind of routine would be any good now, and that’s all most detective work amounts to. Motive is no help, with four of you inheriting piles from two hundred grand up, and the other two possibly counting on marrying one of the piles. Only I must say, in the atmosphere here tonight, courtship doesn’t seem to be on the programme.

  “It isn’t, Annabel asserted.

  I glanced at Hammond and Pierce, but neither of them seemed to want the floor.

  “So, I continued, “unless the cops have got a trap set that you don’t know about, it’s one of those things. You never can tell. It would be a waste of money to pay me to go over the ground the cops have covered-or any other detective except Nero Wolfe, and he’s not around. There’s only one way to use me, or anyhow only one way to start, and stand a chance of getting your money’s worth, and that would be to give me a good eight or ten hours with each of you six people, each one separately. I have watched and listened to Nero Wolfe a good many years and I can now do a fair imitation. It might possibly turn out to be worth it to all of you-except one, as Mr Pierce would say.

  I flipped a hand. “That’s the best suggestion I can offer. With nothing like a guarantee.

  Annabel said, “No one would tell you everything you asked. I haven’t myself, to the police.

  “Sure. I understand that. That’s part of it.

  “You would be working for me-for us. It would be confidential.

  “Things that weren’t used would be confidential. Nothing that was evidence would be.

  Annabel sat and regarded me. She had had her fingers twisted tight together, and now she loosened them and then they twisted again. “I want to ask you something,

  Mr Goodwin. Do you think one of us killed Mrs Rackham?

  “I do now. I don’t know what I would think after I had worked at it.

  “Do you think you know which one?

  “Nope. I’m impartial.

  “All right. You can start with me. She turned her head. “Unless one of you would rather first?

  No one moved or spoke. Then Calvin Leeds: “Count me out, Annabel. Not with

  Goodwin. Let him tell us first where Nero Wolfe is and why.

  “But Gal-you won’t?

  “Not with him I won’t.

  “Dana?

  Hammond looked unhappy. He got up and went to her. “Annabel, this was a mistake.

  The whole idea was no good. What can Goodwin do that the police couldn’t do? I doubt if you have any conception of how a private detective works.

  “He can try. Will you help, Dana?

  “No. I hate to refuse, but I must.

  “Oliver? Will you?

  “Well. The statesman was frowning, not at her, at me. “This seems to me to be a case of all or none. I don’t see how anything could be accomplished-

  “Then you refuse me too?

  “Under the circumstances I have no other course.

  “I see. You won’t even give me a straight no. Barry?

  “Certainly not. Goodwin has lied to the police about my wife’s visit to Wolfe. I wouldn’t give him eight seconds, let alone eight hours.

  Annabel left her chair and went towards the couch. “Lina, I guess it’s up to the women. You and me. She was darned good to us, Lina-both of us. What about iti”

  “Darling, Lina Darrow said. She sat up. “Darling Annabel. You know you don’t like me.

  “That isn’t true, Annabel protested. “Just because-

  “Of course it’s true. You thought I was trying to squeeze you out. You thought I was making a play for Barry merely because I was willing to admit he might be human, so wait and see. You thought I was trying to snatch Ollie from you, when as a matter of fact-

  “Lina, for God’s sake, Pierce implored her.

  Her fine dark eyes flashed at him. “She did, Ollie! When as a matter of fact she got bored with you, and I happened to be near. The eyes darted right to left, sweeping them. “And look at you now, all of you, and listen to you! You all think Barry killed her-all except one, you would say, Ollie. But you haven’t got the guts to say so. And this Mr Goodwin of yours, darling Annabel, have you told him that what you really want him for is to find some kind of proof that Barry did it? No, I suppose you’re saving that for later.

  Lina arose, in no hurry, and confronted Annabel from springing distance. “I thought it would be something like this, she said, and left us, detouring around Leeds’ chair and heading for the door to the reception hall. Eyes followed her, but no one said anything; then, as she passed out of sight, Barry

  Rackham got up and, without a glance for any of us, including his hostess, tramped from the room.

  The remaining three guests exchanged looks. Leeds and Pierce left their chairs.

  Tm sorry, Annabel, Leeds said gruffly. “But didn’t I tell you about Goodwin?

  She didn’t reply. She only stood and breathed. Leeds went, with not as much spring to his step as I had seen, and Pierce, mumbling a good night, followed.

  Dana Hammond went to Annabel, had a hand out to touch her arm, and then let it drop.

  “My dear, he said, appealing to her, “it was no good. It couldn’t be. If you had consulted me—

  Til remember next time, Dana. Good night.

  “I want to talk with you, Annabel. I want to-

  “For God’s sake, let me alone! Go!

  He backed away a step and scowled at me, as if I were to blame for everything. I lifted my right brow at him. It’s one of my few outstanding talents, lifting one brow, and I save it for occasions when nothing else would quite serve the purpose.

  He walked out of the room without another word.

  Annabel dropped on to the nearest chair, put her elbows on her knees, and buried her face in her hands.

  I stood looking down at her. “It was not, I told her sympathetically, “what I would call a success, but anyhow you tried. Not to try to make you feel better, but for future guidance, it might have been wiser, instead of calling a convention, to tackle them one at a time. And it was too bad you picked Leeds to sell first, since he has a grudge against me. But the truth is you were licked before you started. The shape their nerves are in, touching them with a feather wouldn’t tickle them, it would give them a stroke. Thanks all the same for asking me.

  I left her. By the time I got out to the parking space the cars of the other guests were gone. Rolling down the curving driveway, I was thinking my first incoming phone call hadn’t been so damned magnificent after all.

  Chapter Twelve

  One or two of my friends have tried to tell me that some of my experiences that summer are worth telling about, but even taking them at their word, I’m not going to drag it in here. However, it is true that after I ran an ad in the

  Gazette and word got around I soon quit keep
ing count of the incoming calls. All

  I’ll do here is summarise it by months:

  May. Woman with pet cat stolen. Got it back; fifty dollars and expenses. Guy who got rolled in a joint on Eighth Avenue and didn’t want to call the cops. Found her and scared most of it out of her. Two C.s for me. Man who wanted his son pried loose from a blonde sharpie. Shouldn’t have tried it; fell on my nose; took a C. above expenses anyhow. Restaurant with a dumb cashier with sticky fingers; took only one afternoon to hook her; client beefed about my request for sixty-five dollars but paid it.

  June. Spent two full weeks handling a hot insurance case for Del Bascom and damn near got my skull cracked for good. Cleaned it up. Del had the nerve to offer me three C.s; demanded a grand and got it. My idea was to net more per week than I had been getting from Wolfe, not that I cared for the money, but as a matter of principle. Found a crooked bookie for a man from Meadville, Pa. A hundred and fifty dollars. Man wanted me to find his vanished wife, but it looked dim and he could pay only twenty bucks a day, so I passed it. Girl unjustly accused, she said, of giving secret business dope to a rival firm, and fired from her job, pestered me into tackling it. Proved she was right and got her job back, doing five hundred dollars’ worth of work for a measly hundred and twenty paid in instalments. Her face wasn’t much, but she had a nice voice and good legs. Got an offer of a job from the F.B.I., my ninth offer from various sources in six weeks, and turned it down.

  July. Took a whirl at supervising ten men for a bunch of concessionaires at

  Coney Island; caught one of them taking a cut from some of the booths; he jumped me with a cooler and I broke his arm. Got tired of looking at a thousand acres of bare skin, mostly peeling, practically all non-seductive, and quit. Eight fifty for seventeen days. Had passed up at least two thousand worth of little chores. Screwball woman on Long Island had had jewellery stolen, uninsured, thought cops were in on it and stalling. Two things happened: I got some breaks, and I did a damn’ good piece of work. It took me into August. I got all the jewellery back, hung it on an interior decorator’s assistant with proof, billed her for thirty-five hundred gross, and collected.