Disclosures - SF4

by Meagher, Susan X

  "I’ll be there," she said firmly, refusing directions after Ryan told her the address. "I know Berkeley well, Ryan," leaving unspoken the fact that she had attended school there--without her best friend.

  It took several minutes for Ryan to feel confident enough of her body’s responses to risk standing. She actually felt too confused to ride her motorcycle, but she was now running late and felt that she had no choice. Luckily, she was able to guide the bike to the gym without incident, and she spent the next three hours struggling with her concentration. She knew that she had not been her usual self, but the clients didn’t seem to notice, or perhaps they were just too polite to mention it. Nonetheless, when three o’clock rolled around, she practically ran from the gym to return home.

  She got home in time to change, and she shimmied into a clean, faded pair of 501's and a red cotton tank top. The day was warm and she was quite overheated from the stress of worrying about the meeting. As she brushed her teeth, she took one final look in the mirror. "I sure don't look 17 anymore," she thought wryly, as she walked downstairs to get a cold drink.

  She had just finished gulping down a liter of Gatorade when she heard a light knock on the front door. Padding over in her bare feet, she took a deep breath and opened the door. Her mouth dropped in shock when she gazed at the woman on her doorstep. Sara had matured from a rather gangly, but attractive, girl into a truly lovely woman. Even though Ryan would have recognized her anywhere, in a way she looked completely and utterly different, which threw Ryan for a loop.

  Her glossy chestnut brown hair skimmed the tops of her shoulders. It was parted on the side and she had a few long bangs that trailed above her chocolate brown eyes. She had grown taller, and now stood 5’8"or 5’9", but still evidenced a delicate bone structure that carried no more than 120 pounds. Even though she was thin, thinner than Ryan remembered, she looked healthy and fit. As Ryan’s eyes trailed down her body, she noticed distinct muscle definition on her bare arms, and saw that she still carried the posture and confident attitude of the athlete that she used to be, and possibly still was.

  A sleeveless cotton T-shirt, in a shade of brown that exactly matched her eyes, topped slim-fitting white denim jeans that hugged her long legs, the cut of the jeans accentuating her lithe body as well as her height.

  After staring at each other for a long moment, Ryan rediscovered her manners and moved away from the entryway so that Sara could enter. She stood rather awkwardly, waiting for Ryan to indicate whether or not she should sit, but Ryan was feeling much more like the child Sara had met in peewee soccer than the woman she had become. She fidgeted and shifted from one foot to the other until Sara reached out with her delicate hand and placed it on Ryan’s shoulder. "I’m very nervous," she said softly. "It’s been so long." That simple statement broke the dam that Ryan had so carefully constructed around the wound that Sara had seared into her soul. Hot tears began to trail down her cheeks, and she began to shake from the emotion she was trying to hold inside.

  Sara was swept right along with her, and before she knew it she had wrapped her arms around Ryan’s waist and was hanging on for dear life. They held each other through the worst of their tears, until Sara pulled back and asked, in the most winsome voice Ryan had ever heard, "When did you get so tall?" Her hands lifted to brush the wetness from Ryan’s cheeks, and the gentleness of her touch caused another bout of tears to fall.

  Sara took Ryan by the hand and led her to the love seat, sitting next to her and resuming their hug. Wave after wave of emotion passed through each woman: as soon as one would begin to calm, the other would once again fall apart. Back and forth, each comforted the other until they were both relatively composed. Ryan had pulled a box of tissues onto the love seat during one of her calmer moments, and now they both dried their eyes.

  Neither made a move to separate, needing the comfort of the other to journey through their shared pain. Ryan drew in a ragged breath, a solitary tear slipping down her face. She had used the last of the tissues, and as she reached up to wipe the tear away with the back of her hand, Sara captured it with her thumb, brushing gently against Ryan’s flushed skin.

  They were face to face now, looking deeply into each other's eyes. Neither woman planned what happened next—neither would have believed it if they had been warned--but it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Another tear fell from Ryan’s eyes, and Sara again captured it, but this time she kissed the tear from Ryan’s cheek.

  Ryan remained completely still, not sure what was happening, but powerless to stop it. Another gentle, whisper-soft kiss followed the first, then another, and another. Each touch lighter, softer, sweeter than the last, the velvety soft lips blazing an invisible path across Ryan’s face. She paused for the barest of milliseconds, hovering just above Ryan’s lips, then her head tilted just enough to allow her to reach the deep pink flesh.

  Her lips were softer than Ryan remembered, her touch much more gentle than it had been in the re-creation of that moment that had played itself in Ryan’s mind night after night for so long. As Sara’s lips began to kiss away the years of pain, all conscious thought left Ryan’s disoriented brain. All that she knew was that it had all been a mistake—a horrible, horrible mistake. Sara had loved her. Sara had wanted her. They did belong together. A low groan sprang from Ryan’s chest as the truth of these statements finally hit her. It was all a mistake!!! It will be all right. We can finally…We? WE???

  Ryan yanked her body from Sara’s tender embrace and fought to regain her equilibrium. She rose on shaky legs and gasped out, "NO! NO! I CAN’T!!!"

  Sara was completely and utterly stunned. She reached out for Ryan, trying to draw her back into her embrace, but the taller woman looked as though she had been hit with a jolt of electricity. "NO!" she cried, backing up until she ran into the hall table. "I’m married!" she shouted, loud enough for passersby to hear.

  "You’re married?" Sara gasped out, feeling more confused than she had ever been in her life.

  "Yes, I’m married," Ryan insisted. "And you’re engaged!"

  "Engaged! Ryan, what’s wrong with you?" She was approaching her very slowly, much as one would a frightened animal. "How can I be engaged, I’m a lesbian! For that matter, how can you be married?"

  "But your mother…" Ryan began, now feeling overwhelmingly confused herself. "She said…"

  "Ryan," Sara soothed. "My mother believes what she wants to believe. She is convinced that my roommate is my boyfriend, and in her fantasy world she is certain that we’re going to get married now that we’ve graduated."

  Ryan sank onto the dark oak surface of the sturdy table. "You’re a lesbian?" she asked softly.

  "Yes. I am," Sara declared for one of the few times in her life.

  "Your mother doesn’t know?"

  "Almost no one knows," she admitted, a slow blush traveling up her cheeks. "My roommate doesn’t even know. None of my friends from school know." She looked up at Ryan with deep pain infusing her features. "Only the women I’ve had sex with know."

  Ryan took a deep breath and ran her hands through her hair, surprising herself when she realized how short it was. She slowly massaged her temples, trying to lessen the nearly debilitating throbbing of her head. "I need something to drink before I pass out," she muttered, shuffling into the kitchen on autopilot.

  She returned with two bottles of Gatorade and tossed one to Sara, unwilling to come close enough to hand it to her. "Can you explain the married thing?" Sara asked, after taking a healthy swig of her drink.

  "It’s to a woman, Sara. I haven’t changed that much."

  Despite the sense of loss she was feeling, Sara gave her a small smile, glad to see that Ryan’s sense of humor had grown with her. "Tell me about her," she said, genuine interest reflected in her gaze.

  A radiant smile lit Ryan’s face, and Sara knew in that instant that the woman who now looked at her had given her heart to another.

  "She’s…she’s…everything to me," she said simply, un
able to put her feelings into words. "I love her completely, Sara, and I will do anything and everything to safeguard our relationship." Her tone left little doubt where Ryan thought the threat to her marriage might lie.

  "How long have you been together?" she asked, her curiosity getting the better of her pain.

  "Technically, I guess I’d have to say a little over two weeks, but we’ve been exclusive since April."

  "Were you with someone before this?" Ryan was far too attractive to be single for long, and Sara assumed she had been snatched up the moment she became available.

  "No," Ryan said quietly. "Jamie’s the first woman that I’ve loved since…you."

  "Do you mean to tell me that you've been available for the past six years, and it's only been three months since you've found someone?" Sara asked incredulously.

  "Yeah, pretty much," Ryan admitted, startled by the irony of the situation.

  As if on cue, a distinctive tread hit the front steps. Ryan took a deep breath and went to the door to intercept her partner. When she opened the door, Jamie was on the top step, and Ryan’s eyes widened as she realized what her lover was going to do. She looked up at Ryan with a huge smile and shouted, "Catch me!" as she ran the remaining few feet and jumped into Ryan's arms.

  Ryan's lightning quick reactions signaled her arms to grab her lover and hold on tight. But her legs didn't get the same message and she collapsed onto her back, sliding across the floor with Jamie still nestled in her arms. "Are you all right, Baby?" Jamie asked with concern, as Ryan stared at her in shock.

  Her slowly nodding head was the only answer that she could manage.

  "Well, as long as I've got you on the floor, I think I'm going to take you right here," she growled, as she straddled her lover's hips. She dipped her head and began to kiss Ryan with a day’s worth of unexpressed passion.

  For the second time in an hour, Ryan tried to fend off a woman's attentions. She finally put her hands around Jamie's waist and physically lifted her off of her hips in an amazing display of power. "Honey," she gasped out, "we've got company."

  Jamie's face became stark white in the instant it took to register this statement. She slowly turned her head and met Sara's bemused gaze. "Oh, my God," she moaned as Ryan lowered her and she rolled off her hips. She got to her feet and held a hand down for Ryan to grasp. "I am so sorry for that little display," she said, her color returning. She strode over to the sofa and held out her hand, "I'm Jamie Evans," she said with a smile.

  Sara stood and extended her hand. "Pleased to meet you, Jamie. I'm Sara Andrews."

  Jamie dropped her hand as if it were on fire. Her face slowly lost its smile as she turned to look at Ryan, startled to find her lover's lips scrunched up in a guilty-looking grimace. Ryan looked down at the ground for a moment, hoping that Jamie's eyes would leave her, but when she looked back up they were still burning into her with an incandescent intensity. Jamie took in a breath and said in an even voice, "I need something to drink. I'll be right back." As she walked towards the kitchen, over her shoulder she added, "Could you help me, Ryan?"

  Ryan now gave Sara a little shrug and took off after her lover. When she entered the kitchen, however, Jamie was nowhere to be found. Looking around, she saw that the back door was open. She peeked out the door and saw her partner pacing in a tight circle in the back yard. Before Ryan's foot hit the step Jamie glared up at her and asked in a strained voice, "What is she doing in my house?!"

  Ryan bit her tongue to stop herself from coming back with a sharp retort. She walked down the stairs slowly, staring at the ground as she did so. "I thought it was my house too, Jamie," Ryan said slowly. "She’s here because I invited her."

  Letting out a deep sigh, Jamie straightened her shoulders and said, "It is your house too, Ryan. I'm just so taken aback that I don't know what I'm saying." She took another deep breath and said, "Let's start again. How did it happen that Sara Andrews is a guest in our home?"

  Ryan gave her a small smile and answered as best she could. "Her mother spoke with her sometime after we met in church last Sunday. Sara called me right after you left and asked if she could come over to apologize. I agreed, and she showed up a little while after I got back from the gym."

  "Do you want her here?"

  Jamie’s penetrating gaze was still boring into Ryan, who fervently wished that it would ease off so she could collect her thoughts. "Yes. I do want her here. Are you okay with her being here, Jamie?"

  "If it's okay with you, it's okay with me," she said slowly, with her eyes closed, obviously trying to control her visceral reaction.

  "Thank you, Honey. I know this is hard for you, but I need for you to trust me on this," she said, holding her arms open for Jamie to fall into.

  After she nuzzled against Ryan's chest for a few moments she pulled back and asked, "Is that perfume you're wearing?"

  "Um...no, I'm not wearing any perfume," she said haltingly.

  "Then why do you smell like perfume, Ryan?" she asked as her eyes began to flicker with anger.

  Ryan put her hands on her partner's shoulders and stared into her eyes. "Jamie, I'm asking you to trust me. I've had a really tough day, and I can't take any more emotional scenes. Please just let us get through this afternoon and I'll explain everything."

  Jamie let out yet another heavy sigh as she stood to her full height and blinked her eyes slowly. "I have one question, Ryan. Do I have anything to worry about?"

  The question was so simple, and Ryan knew in her heart that Jamie never had to worry about her fidelity. But she was certain that her partner would view the events of the afternoon in a very harsh light, and that knowledge caused her to hesitate.

  A hesitation that was misinterpreted with disastrous results. A panoply of emotions crossed the smaller woman’s face, each one driving a stake into Ryan’s heart. "Let’s get this over with," she said stoically as she started to walk back into the house.

  "No!" Ryan grasped her shoulders and held her still, staring into her eyes as she summoned her confidence. "You have nothing to worry about, Jamie." The relief that flooded her partner’s features nearly caused Ryan to lose her composure again, but she was truly out of tears. "I love you with all my heart, and I always will."

  "I believe you, Ryan." The confidence in her voice matched the look in her eyes, and Ryan thanked God for blessing her with such an extraordinary woman. Jamie extended her hand and Ryan grasped it as they walked back into the house, together.

  Jamie remembered to snag a Pepsi on the way back to the living room, just to give the impression that she really had been seeking a beverage. Sara was sitting right where they had left her, looking terribly uncomfortable. When she caught sight of them, she stood and addressed Jamie. "I know you would probably rather have just about anyone else in your living room right now, but I just came to try to apologize to Ryan. If you want me to leave, I will."

  "No…no, I'm sorry for the way I reacted, Sara. It was just a shock." She reached out and took Sara’s hand again, shaking it firmly. "I’m usually housebroken," she added with an abashed smile.

  Ryan sat down on one of the upholstered chairs, and her partner perched right on its arm, hovering over her lover protectively. Ryan looked up at her and gave her an indulgent grin as she placed her hand on Jamie's thigh.

  "What did I miss?" Jamie looked from one woman to the other, a bit unhappy to see guilty looks flash between them.

  Ryan pointed to the pile of spent tissues on the table and said, "Mostly you missed an emotional meltdown. I think I’m at least a quart low," she added, taking a gulp of her Gatorade.

  Now that Jamie looked more carefully at both women she could see that they had been crying. "Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?" she asked. "I know you’ve got a lot of things to talk about, and I don’t want to interfere."

  Ryan squeezed her knee and gave her a grateful smile, but she declined her offer. "I want you to stay, Honey." She paused a bit and let her insecurities show for a second. "I need y
ou to stay."

  Jamie nodded, sliding her arm around Ryan’s shoulders as she leaned over. "I’m here for you, Ryan," she said softly, just loud enough for her partner to hear.

  "Well…" Ryan addressed Sara, giving her an encouraging smile. "I think we’re both cried out—let’s start at the top."

  Sara nodded and took in a breath, trying to form her chaotic thoughts into coherent sentences. "I suppose I need to go all the way back," she finally said. "I need to talk about what happened…that night."

  Ryan nodded her encouragement, rubbing Jamie’s thigh as she said, "Jamie knows all about this, Sara. We don’t have any secrets."

  "Okay," she said, letting out a ragged breath. "I was a mess when we woke up the next morning, Ryan, as I’m sure you detected." Ryan gave a short nod, not wanting to interrupt. "A very large part of me wanted to lock the door and spend the rest of my life in your arms." A look of shock crossed Ryan’s face and Jamie tightened her hold when she felt her partner tense. "I know I didn’t give that impression, but it was true," she said softly. "But I was also terribly confused. I had known you since you were seven years old, Ryan," she said plaintively. "I felt closer to you than anyone on earth—much more like a sister than just a friend."

  Ryan considered that and had to agree that Sara had been as dear to her as her brothers were.

  "I didn’t know what it meant to have you touch me that way," she said softly. "Were we still friends? Was I a lesbian? It was just too much for me, and I needed to figure it out before I could face you again. I know, in retrospect, that I should have talked to you about it, but I didn’t. I talked to my mother."

  "Did you tell her everything?" Ryan asked softly, still remembering the look of pity on Mrs. Andrews’ face when she told her that Sara no longer wanted to see her.

  "Yes…yes I did," she murmured, staring at the floor. "I thought she could help me sort things out. It took me a long time to understand that she just made it so much worse."

  "What happened, Sara?" Jamie’s voice floated past Ryan’s ear, filled with so much compassion that Ryan was a bit startled.