Drowning in Love (Written in the Stars Book 6)

by Kelsie Rae

  “Are you speaking from experience, Gage?” She cocks her head to the side and watches his Adam’s apple bob up and down before he glances over at me.

  “Yeah. I am.”

  “Can you tell us what happened? It’s a safe space here.”

  With a deep sigh, he shoves his hands into his front pockets, then rocks back on his heels. “I dated the same girl for five years. She was best friends with my buddy’s fiancé––the guy who just got engaged that I mentioned earlier. We were, uh…I dunno how to explain it. Double date buddies?” He laughs dryly. “Anyway, we started dating a couple years before them, so we had a head start. After the first couple of years, Melanie started asking about our plans for the future. I would always shrug it off. She would send me pictures of wedding rings and would say shit like, ‘I’m not dropping any hints or anything. I just thought it was pretty.’” Another dry laugh escapes him as he gets lost in the memories. “I led her on for five years before I finally had the courage to break it off. I loved her. I did. I just…knew that I’d never be enough, and I’d never be able to give her the life she wanted. When we finally broke up, she was pissed, and she had every reason to be. But I still remember what she said to me before walking out the door. ‘If you knew you didn’t want marriage, why didn’t you tell me? Why weren’t you up-front with me? Why can’t you love me the way I love you?’ And that’s when I realized the truth. I’m not capable of that kind of love. I’m capable of having a good time, but…that’s it. And I just…I guess I needed to find someone who was okay with that.”

  He looks down at me again, but instead of relief in his gaze, I’m met with hesitation and guilt.

  “And how does that make you feel, Nora?” Dr. Lorringer asks.

  A stupid tear slips past my defenses, and I hastily wipe it away. “I feel…heartbroken for you. And for her.”

  “Why her, Nora?” Dr. Lorringer prods.

  “I’ve already told Gage this story.”

  The CliffsNotes version, anyway.

  “But you haven’t told us,” Dr. Lorringer presses. “And because this is a workshop, I think it would be really beneficial for everyone to get to the bottom of this.”

  Definitely gonna kill Gem.

  Sighing, I explain, “My brother was you, Gage. He dated the perfect girl for a long time. All throughout high school. They were…well, for lack of a better word, they were perfect for each other. And I’m not just saying that. Like seriously…when I grew up, I wanted to find a relationship like theirs. Then, one day after graduation, he broke it off. I still don’t understand why, and honestly, I’m not sure if he does, either, because I know he regrets it. But he did. He broke her heart. And I had to watch it all fall apart. I always felt like…if a couple like them couldn’t make it, then how the hell was I going to find someone that would give me better odds of a happily ever after?”

  The room is silent. I’m not even sure the audience is breathing with how quiet and heavy the air is around us. But I also don’t know what to say to break it. To make it better. To erase the pity on Gage’s face as he stares down at me.

  “Gage, do you think Nora is capable of having a happily ever after?”

  Rubbing his hand along the scruff of his cheek, he watches me carefully. “From my own personal experience, I’m not sure it really exists.” Tears threaten to fall from my eyes, but I hold them back. “But if anyone deserves it, it’s her.”

  Dr. Lorringer nods. “Do you wish you could give that to her? If you’d met in another life?”

  “That’s a trick question,” he points out, refusing to look at me anymore.

  With a kind smile, she replies, “We’re talking hypothetically, Gage.”

  “Hypothetically?” His eyes dart back to mine. Then he studies me carefully. “Yeah. If I knew I wouldn’t hurt you and was capable of giving you everything you deserve––”

  “And what does she deserve?” Dr. Lorringer interjects.

  “A relationship that blows her brother’s out of the water.”

  The audience laughs along with Dr. Lorringer. “Perfect. Go on.”

  “If I knew I was capable of giving you that, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” There’s a hint of hesitation in his eyes that seems to fill a few of the little cracks of reservations I have with him. It’s the vulnerability that isn’t usually present in a guy that, for as long as I’ve known him, has always been so self-assured. It almost breaks me.

  “And, Nora, are you willing to risk your heart to find out if he is capable? If maybe he just needs someone to have faith in him and to teach him what unconditional love looks and feels like?”

  “We just met,” I argue.

  “Every love story starts that way. Whether it’s on a dating site, at the grocery store, through a mutual friend, or maybe it’s on a singles’ cruise,” she replies with a smirk. “Your relationship isn’t any different than anyone else’s in this room. It’s how you move forward after that first date. How you encourage that connection after the initial meeting. It’s these decisions that can make or break a relationship. You have to decide if you’re willing to deal with the mess that comes with every single person––because I guarantee no one is perfect––or if you’d prefer to keep your hands clean and let another potential soulmate slip through your fingers because that connection wasn’t strong enough to encourage you to get your hands dirty. That choice is up to you.”

  “Well, when you put it that way,” Gage jokes before giving me a sexy wink. I’m not sure if it’s to deflect or if it’s a tactic to get Dr. Lorringer to move onto the passion portion, but I appreciate his effort. It’s way too serious in here, and it’s hitting way too close to home.

  “That’s why I get paid the big bucks,” Dr. Lorringer replies. “Now, I’ll let both of you decide if your relationship is worth pursuing or not on your own time. As for right now, shall we dive into the fun part?”

  The audience cheers, and I join in, ready to breathe when I feel like I’ve been holding my breath during this entire interrogation.

  “Perfect! Let’s give Gage and Nora one more round of applause for letting us peek into their little therapy session.”

  As the clapping starts, Gage grabs my hand and raises it into the air before pulling me into a dramatic bow like we’re receiving a standing ovation at the ballet. I roll my eyes as my face heats up, but I kind of love how he plays off the crowd and makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin.

  “Alright, and before you both go back to your seats, I want you to know that your issues”––she uses air quotes around the term––“are completely normal. Neither of them are deal-breakers by any means, and I think you two are an adorable couple. Okay, go sit down. Enough of this mushy crap. Actually, I’m totally lying because passion is mushy, and we’re just getting started.”

  “Great,” Gage grumbles behind me as we walk back to our yoga mat. With a snort, I peek behind me to see him smiling back.

  “You’re a trooper. You know that, right?”

  We both sit down before he replies, “Uh-huh. You definitely owe me, though. I feel like I just got a colonoscopy.”

  “You and me both. I’m seriously going to kill Gem the next time I see her.”

  “Yeah, I think I might have to do a little cockblocking to get back at her for earlier today too. Do you think Conner will mind if I slip some laxatives into his drink tonight?”

  I snort. “That’s just cruel.”

  “And our little therapy session in front of an audience wasn’t?”

  I recount the conversation that really did feel a hell of a lot like therapy in front of a group of strangers from around the world. “Good point.”

  “Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stand up. Everyone. Yes, you too,” she orders a shy young woman who looks as timid as a mouse. I’d bet fifty bucks she’s a Pisces.

  Gage and I both sigh before standing back up, then we turn to Dr. Lorringer to wait for our next instructions.

  “Perfect. I want
you to each face your partner then hold hands.” After rubbing my palms against my pants, I raise them up between us, and Gage grabs both. We’ve held hands plenty of times before, but after exposing our scars to each other, it feels a little more intimate somehow.

  “Perfect!” Dr. Lorringer praises again before flipping a switch on the wall that transforms the room from overly bright and cheery to something a little darker and more intimate. “Now, I want you to look into each other’s eyes. Yes, this will feel very uncomfortable at first, but if we’ve learned anything from this evening thus far, it’s that sometimes, we need to peel away our layers to let someone else in. This can be painful, but I can guarantee it will also produce the most lasting and fruitful relationship. Let me give you an example. Did you know that you can make brownie batter without adding eggs?” Gage quirks his brow, and I find myself thinking the same thing. Where the hell is she going with this?

  “It’s true. Now, don’t bother baking it because they won’t rise, but brownie batter can still be enjoyable, right? Without eggs, it might taste a little different, and it will definitely be less satisfying than if you’d made the brownies correctly, but…it’ll usually still satisfy your sweet tooth. However, if we want to make a proper batch of brownies, we need to add eggs, and we need to do it correctly if we don’t want the dessert to fail.”

  “Didn’t know we were getting a baking class too,” Gage murmurs. “Think she’ll toss some pot in?”

  My eyes crinkle in the corners as I try to keep from snorting while Dr. Lorringer continues walking around the room from couple to couple.

  “And how do we do that? Do we crack the eggs before tossing them into the brownie batter? Or do we toss them––shells and all––into it, while thinking this will produce an edible batch?”

  My nose wrinkles in disgust.

  “Sometimes, we have to break in order to create something that isn’t broken. If we can’t expose our true selves, our partners are bound to find the shells no matter how much we stir them into the relationship. They’ll be able to taste those shells with every bite, which I guarantee will ruin the brownies. Sex is the brownie batter. It can satisfy cravings, and it can be good enough to eat, but it will never be the real thing unless you add every ingredient on that list, including the ones you need to crack. So…that’s what we’re going to do today. We’re going to tell our stories with our eyes. No words. Just a little crack of our outer shells to give our partners a glimpse of our gooey insides.”

  A few people in the audience chuckle, putting a smile on Dr. Lorringer’s face too. “See? This can be fun. Now, I want you to turn toward your partner again and open up. Let them see the real you. Then, when the timer goes off, I want you to kiss. Again, only if you feel comfortable,” she adds with caution. “I want you to see if you can taste the difference. If you can feel it. Begin.”

  Clearing his throat, Gage turns and gives me his full attention. At first, there’s a teasing grin on his face, and I can practically hear his deep voice telling me how ridiculous this whole thing is. I don’t blame him. This isn’t what I signed up for, either. Besides, we’re not in a real relationship. The only thing either of us wants is the brownie batter to satisfy our sweet tooth. And who wants to toy with salmonella, anyway? We won’t be baking this relationship in a pan. We’ll be devouring it while naked.

  My mouth quirks up in the corner as I imagine licking brownie batter off Gage’s cheek, and he cocks his head in response before raising his brow along with a wicked grin. Rubbing his thumb along the back of my hand, he inches a little closer but doesn’t break eye contact. The heat from his chest has me breathing deeper in hopes of closing the rest of the distance between us. When his tongue darts out from between his lips before running along the seam, my pulse quickens.

  Yeah, we’re definitely on the same page when it comes to brownie batter. We’re on the same page when it comes to a lot of things. Like the dolphin encounter, and the massage, and how we both try to deflect any kind of intimacy that could lead to something more. How we’re both scared. Me, of getting hurt. Him, of hurting someone again.

  I gulp, losing my earlier lust.

  I can see why his ex was a goner. I can see why she wanted to lock him down and throw away the key. From the outside, Gage looks like he has it all. He’s smart. He’s sexy. He has a good job. He’s funny. He enjoys football like I do. He doesn’t take life too seriously. He’s…he’s the whole package.

  He admitted he loved her. That she would’ve been a great wife. That the problem was him. Not her. So, why is there a tiny voice inside my head that wonders if I could be enough? If I could change his mind. If I could be his happily ever after.

  My jaw clenches. This is Dr. Lorringer’s fault. She’d been using the example of having someone dependable that loves you unconditionally to reel Gage in, but it did a number on me instead.

  Releasing a shaky breath, I try not to have a complete breakdown in front of him when I know he can see my eyes welling with tears.

  Don’t you dare cry right now, Nora.

  I bite the inside of my cheek to distract myself from the emotions that are hitting me from all sides, but it isn’t enough. I’m having a freaking panic attack, and I can’t run away without ruining this entire workshop for everyone in the room.

  I want someone to take care of me when I’m sick. I want someone to call when I’ve had a bad day. I want someone to hold me and to make me feel better when the pressures of life weigh too much. I want to be able to rely on someone.

  Could Gage be that someone? Even if it were in another life?

  I want the damn brownies with the shell-free eggs mixed in. I want something beautiful. And real. Something that probably doesn’t exist with a guy like Gage no matter how badly I want it to.

  Concern radiates from him as he watches my expression turn hazy with vulnerability. His mouth opens as if he wants to say something before it snaps closed. Gritting his teeth, he bends a little closer and rests his forehead against mine.

  There’s a myriad of emotions flashing across his face like a projector, but I can’t quite place them. Frustration. Anxiety. Humility. But above all, determination. I just don’t know what it’s for.

  Is he frustrated with me? Am I the one making him anxious? Did Dr. Lorringer’s little therapy session knock his arrogance down a few pegs, even though I think he’s sexy as hell when he’s sure of himself? And why is he so determined? Does he want to back out of our deal? Can he tell that I’m getting attached? That I could see us becoming brownies instead of just watered-down batter? That I might want that even though it wasn’t part of the plan?

  “Shhh,” he breathes. The sound is so quiet that it likely only traveled a handful of inches before getting lost in the spacious room. But it’s enough to ease the ache in my chest. I want to close my eyes. I want to run. But I want to stay even more. And that’s what scares me the most.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Dr. Lorringer murmurs. Her relatively quiet voice sounds amplified in the silence. “If you feel comfortable, I’d like you to kiss your partner. For most of you, those stubborn shells have cracked in the last few minutes. Now it’s time to mix those insecurities together and to come out on the other side with something sweeter and richer than when you walked into this room.”

  The lights are still turned down low, and the audience is still lost in their own little worlds. With his forehead still pressed to mine, Gage untangles our hands before gliding them up my arms. His touch is softer than a feather. If I hadn’t been so aware of his movements, I probably wouldn’t even register it before he cups my cheeks.

  My lungs are useless as his mouth descends on mine, but as soon as our lips touch, I’m a goner. His kiss is gentle. Cautious. Foreign. It’s the complete opposite of our kiss on the boardwalk but just as crippling. It’s like a dance that I learned in a previous life but wasn’t aware of how much I missed it until the song came on. My fingers dig into his forearms as I keep him in place, praying he never ends
this kiss because it’s not like anything I’ve ever experienced before.

  It’s…more.

  It isn’t just two mouths pressing together. It’s so much deeper than that.

  And I want it all.

  Which is what urges me to push him away. Catching my breath, I squeeze my eyes shut and count to ten even though I can feel his eyes on me.

  When I finally gain the courage to peek up at him, I laugh quietly, “Whoa.”

  Relieved, he joins in. “Yeah. Whoa. You okay?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You sure?”

  Licking my lips, I plaster a fake smile to my face. “Yup. Who knew brownie batter tasted so good, right?”

  His eyes dim before he drops his hands from my cheeks, making me miss their heat instantly. “Yeah. Who knew?”

  The rest of the workshop goes by in a blur while I try to keep my emotions in check, which is damn near impossible. Gem would be so proud.

  As soon as Dr. Lorringer finishes, I turn to Gage. “I completely forgot that I have to set some stuff up with Gem for tomorrow, so I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  “Wait––”

  “Sorry, gotta run!”

  Then I’m out the door faster than a senior on graduation day. I need to breathe, and I just realized I can’t do that when I’m around him.

  I need to find Gem.

  12

  Nora

  I spot Gem chatting with Conner in the Spin-the-Bottle room after our little therapy session. When she sees me, she waves me over.

  “Hey! I didn’t expect to see you. How did––”

  Grabbing her forearm, I whisper, “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

  “Umm…sure? Let me just––”

  “Now, Gem.”

  Her eyebrows pinch together as she scans my face. After a second, she nods and turns back to Conner. “Hey, we’re gonna need a rain check on that drink. Let’s meet up tomorrow, maybe?”

  “Yeah, sure,” a confused Conner replies. “How does brunch sound?”