Absolutely Alfie and the Princess Wars
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Books about Absolutely Alfie
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BOOK #1
Absolutely Alfie and the Furry Purry Secret
BOOK #2
Absolutely Alfie and the First Week Friends
BOOK #3
Absolutely Alfie and the Worst Best Sleepover
BOOK #4
Absolutely Alfie and The Princess Wars
VIKING
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York 10014
First published in the United States of America by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2018
Text copyright © 2018 by Sally Warner
Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Shearry Malone
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA IS AVAILABLE
HC ISBN: 9781101999950
PB ISBN: 9781101999974
Ebook ISBN: 9781101999967
Version_1
To Patrick Love 11, who knows what it's like to have a sister! —S.W.
For Luke. —S.M.
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Contents
Books about Absolutely Alfie
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
(1) Ready for Some Fun!
(2) The All-Star Girls
(3) A Halloween Plan
(4) Counting by Two
(5) Funny Bunnies
(6) The Same as Everyone Else
(7) Another Squabble?
(8) Taking Sides
(9) The Princess Wars
(10) Alfie’s Idea
(11) Please?
(12) Secret
(13) Almost Heart-to-Heart
(14) Alfie and EllRay
(15) Feeling Guilty
(16) A Big Fuzzy Blur
(17) One Last Battle
(18) What You Do
About the Author
1
Ready for Some Fun!
“EllRay needs some chili pepper flakes on his pizza,” seven-year-old Alfie Jakes said at the dinner table. It was a cool Sunday night in the middle of October.
Perfect teasing weather, in Alfie’s opinion.
“I do not,” EllRay said, guarding his pizza with a skinny brown arm. “And you should talk, Alfie. At least I’ve got more than just bare cheese on my pizza. You chicken.”
“Uh-uh-uh,” their mom said from across the table, her finger in the air. “No name-calling, EllRay. You’re eleven years old. You know better than that.”
“He does know better,” her husband agreed, nodding. “And those pepper flakes are for your mother and me, Miss Alfie,” he added. He helped himself to another slice of the medium “Cheese and Spinach Special” pizza he and his wife were sharing, and he gave it a good sprinkle of the spicy red flakes.
EllRay had Pizza Frank’s “Meat Lover’s Dream,” and Alfie had “Just Cheese, Please.” Cheese was Alfie’s favorite food.
The Jakes family was hungry following their afternoon bike ride outside Oak Glen, an inland town halfway between San Diego and Los Angeles, California. Built partway up the side of a low mountain, Oak Glen lay sprawled across that mountain’s rocky foothills like a sleeping cat, Mrs. Jakes sometimes liked to say.
She wrote books for ladies about the olden days, so she described things in a special way. That’s what Alfie thought, at least.
Dr. Jakes was a geology professor at a university in San Diego. That’s where the “doctor” in his name came from. He had driven the whole family—plus bikes, helmets, and plenty of water and snacks—outside town for their bike ride today. They had unloaded their dad’s old Jeep in a quiet area where scattered California live oaks grew on gentle slopes covered with dry brown brush and feathery weeds. Southern California’s annual rainy season had not yet begun.
“We’ll start here so we don’t use up all our energy just getting out of town, like last time,” Dr. Jakes had said, straightening his helmet.
On their bike ride two weeks earlier, the Jakes family had started at home—and only made it as far as the 7-Eleven on San Vicente Road before giving up.
“You took us all the way out to Witch Creek Road today, Dad,” EllRay said at dinner, remembering the day’s ride as he continued to protect his pizza from Alfie and the small jar of red pepper flakes. “I heard about that place before. Creepy,” he added, fake-shivering as he gave his little sister a look that he clearly hoped would scare her.
“But witches absolutely aren’t real,” Alfie said, pausing mid-bite. “Are they, Dad?”
“No,” he told her, patting his mouth with a napkin. “They are not real.”
“People used to believe in them, though,” Alfie’s mother said.
“An early prospector might have thought some rocks or mountain ridges looked like a witch’s profile, or maybe like a pointy hat,” Dr. Jakes said. “That’s probably how the road got its name, Cricket,” he added to Alfie. “The Triassic Period,” he added, thinking aloud. “Which means that area is more than two hundred million years old,” he reminded the kids.
“And that means dinosaurs,” EllRay said, smiling big.
“Early ones, anyway,” his dad agreed, nodding.
“Oh, right,” Alfie said, thinking she was being teased. “Dinosaurs. Where I was riding my pretty pink bike today, with the fancy tassels on the handlebars.” Her bottom was still sore from sitting for so long.
“Let’s get back to that witch thing for a second,” EllRay said. “Because you know what? It’s almost Halloween!”
“Duh,” Alfie scoffed, shaking her head. “Like you and Marco haven’t been planning for it since last summer.”
“But we still haven’t decided on our costumes yet,” EllRay reminded her. “Because you never know what movies are gonna be showing at the last minute,” he explained to his parents. “Some really cool character might come along.”
“Well, now’s the time to decide what you’re going to be,” his mother said, laughing. “Because you’ve only got about two more weeks, and if you’re going to want me to help with the costume—”
“That’s okay,” EllRay said. “I want to make my costume myself this year.”
Her big brother was really good at inventing stuff, Alfie thought, proud in advance.
But what was she going to be on Halloween? There were five or six costume ideas Alfie had been daydreaming about, depending on which of her second-grade friends she’d been playing with that day.
What Alfie wanted most of all was to fit in with all the other second-grade girls—because lately, she had started to feel that she was getting things just a little bit wrong.
For example, after Lulu Marino slept over one Friday night, she’d been surprised when Alfie said her mom was going to take them to the farmers market the next morning. “But why do you guys buy dirty vegetables in the high school parking lot when they sell nice clean ones at the supermarket?” Lulu had asked, wrinkling her nose.
Was shopping at the farmers market a weird thing to do? And how many girls had Lulu told about it?
&nb
sp; Then there was “Cute Barrette Day” just two weeks ago, Alfie thought, frowning as she remembered the second-grade girls’ invention. She had plenty of cute barrettes. That wasn’t the problem. But the other girls could easily change their barrettes around during the day, their hair was so floppy and loose. Alfie’s mom had already fixed her hair for the day, though, and Alfie couldn’t change it just like that.
And she had wanted to match—exactly.
“I remember when I was your age, EllRay,” Dr. Jakes said, smiling again. “I couldn’t decide between being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or the Terminator.”
“They had Ninja Turtles when you were a kid?” EllRay asked, amazed.
“Thanks, buddy,” his dad said, making a face. “That’s when the whole thing started! It was a movie back then.”
“Let me see,” Mrs. Jakes said, also remembering. “When I was nine years old I wanted to be Catwoman, because she was a really amazing movie character that year.”
“I remember,” her husband said, nodding in an encouraging way. It was as if he thought his wife might be deciding that this was the perfect year to make her old dream come true.
She could be a kitty this year, Alfie was telling herself, adding another costume possibility to her list. Not like Catwoman, but a kitty like Princess, her kitty. The most beautiful cat in the world.
Alfie’s mom sighed. “Well, my mother didn’t think Catwoman was a proper costume choice for a girl my age,” she said. “So I ended up being Marge Simpson.”
“But, Mom,” Alfie said, trying to picture it. “Marge Simpson is white!”
“Actually, she’s bright yellow,” her mother pointed out. “But we skipped the skin color and just went with the tall blue hair and the pearls. I was a little disappointed about the whole Catwoman thing, though,” she admitted.
“I’m disappointed now, just thinking about it,” her husband joked.
“I wonder if we’re going to have the parade again at school this year,” Alfie said, looking at her brother. She and sixth-grader EllRay were both students at Oak Glen Primary School. This was his last year there.
“Probably,” her mother said. “But I haven’t looked at the online calendar lately, I confess. I’ve been too busy with my book.”
“And Halloween’s on a Tuesday this year,” EllRay reminded everyone. “Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the real dud-days for Halloween, too,” he added gloomily.
“Oh, I think people will still manage to have fun,” Dr. Jakes predicted.
Alfie tried to cross her fingers under the table.
She was really ready for some fun!
“Speaking of fun,” EllRay said with a grin, looking at his sister, “are you ready to lose big tonight?”
On Sunday nights, Alfie and EllRay played board games together. Their mom made them a special snack they were allowed to eat upstairs.
“What are we playing?” Alfie asked.
“I was thinking we could play that candy game,” EllRay said. “Because of Halloween.”
“Okay-y-y,” Alfie said slowly, as if already planning her first move. “But I’m the one who’s gonna win.”
“Good luck with that,” her brother replied.
2
The All-Star Girls
“We’re here,” Hanni Sobel said as her mom pulled up in front of Oak Glen Primary School the next morning. Alfie and Hanni were neighbors, and Mrs. Sobel and Alfie’s mom shared carpool duty.
“You don’t have to say that every single time, Hanni,” Alfie said. “It’s not like I don’t have eyeballs in my head.”
But Hanni could be kind of a know-it-all, Alfie reminded herself. A girl who liked to be the first one to announce things.
Hanni frowned, and her dimples disappeared. “I was just saying,” she muttered, sounding sulky as Alfie waved goodbye to Mrs. Sobel’s departing car.
“Hello, Miss Jakes and Miss Sobel,” Principal James called out from his spot halfway up the school’s wide front steps. He took pride in greeting each student by name, EllRay had told Alfie the day she started kindergarten.
“Hi-eee,” Alfie and Hanni chorused, waggling their fingers in his direction.
“You copied me, Alfie,” Hanni said, raising her voice a little as they entered the school’s crowded hall. “I invented ‘Hi-eee.’”
“I’m not sure you can invent a word that everyone already uses,” Alfie said carefully, not wanting to rile her sometimes-prickly friend—but not wanting to be bossed around, either.
Being in second grade felt a little like walking on a balance beam, Alfie had begun to think. The girls in her class were friends most of the time, but there were moments—like this one—when that could change in a flash.
“That would be like me saying I invented the word ‘school,’” Alfie continued. “And then yelling at people whenever they used it.”
“It’s not the word,” Hanni said. “It’s the way I say it that’s so cute.”
Wow, Alfie thought, biting her lip. What was up with Hanni today? They had been on-again, off-again friends since late last summer. Mostly on-again. Maybe Hanni had “gotten up on the wrong side of the bed” this morning—the way Mrs. Sobel sometimes said she did.
That expression meant Hanni woke up in a bad mood, Alfie had learned. But Alfie didn’t believe in bad moods. A bad mood just meant you were being grouchy for no reason, in her opinion.
“Alfie!” Arletty Jackson said, bouncing up to Alfie and Hanni as they made their way outside. They were heading toward the picnic tables where the second-grade girls liked to hang out before class. “Did you finish your sentences? Our homework?” Arletty asked.
Weekend homework—what little of it there was—was Alfie’s least-favorite part of being one of Mr. Havens’s “All-Stars,” his class’s name for the year.
But Alfie relaxed, hearing Arletty’s voice. They had known each other since preschool. And they were the only two girls with brown skin in Mr. Havens’s class, not counting three girls who were more caramel-colored than brown, and who—so far—mostly hung out together.
Also, Arletty was easy to be around because she wasn’t as much of an “uproar girl” as Hanni was, as Alfie’s mom sometimes put it. A little peace and quiet—another of Mrs. Jakes’s favorite expressions—was looking like a good thing today, with Hanni acting so weird.
“That homework was easy,” Hanni said, jumping headfirst into the conversation. “All you had to do was to use capital letters right, Arletty. And punctuation marks.”
“I know. I was just asking,” Arletty said, sneaking Alfie a look. Her hands fiddled with the beads she wore at the end of her soft black braids.
Arletty was really fun and nice, all the girls agreed. So why was Hanni being such a pain?
“Like, two of my sentences went, ‘My name is Hanni! I have a cat named Domino!’ Capital H, capital D. Exclamation mark,” Hanni continued in a voice loud enough for all the girls to hear.
Such as bossy Suzette Monahan, who sat at Alfie’s table in class.
And always-cute Lulu Marino with her perfectly straight bangs, whose mother called her “my special darling.”
And funny Phoebe Miller, with her swingy blond hair.
And husky-voiced Bella Babcock, their class’s newest arrival, who had slowly gotten used to everyone in class—but who also didn’t mind being on her own, or so it seemed to Alfie.
Alfie liked every girl at the table.
The All-Star girls were pretty cool, in her opinion.
The six other girls in their class were probably off playing somewhere, Alfie guessed—but they were nice, too.
“Stop showing off,” Lulu told Hanni in a jokey voice. “Exclamation mark!”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Hanni said—even though she sometimes tried to kiss up to Lulu. Not today, though.
“I think the buzz
er’s about to sound,” Bella told Alfie. Bella looked as if she were thinking, Please, please, please buzz, buzzer.
“Nobody asked you,” Hanni said without even looking at her.
Whoa.
Rude.
A few of the girls looked at each other, blinking like startled owls, not quite knowing what to do. It was only Monday! School hadn’t even started yet!
Yeesh.
“Come on, Bella,” Alfie said, touching the girl’s arm. “Let’s be the first ones in class today. Arletty, you can come with us if you want. Mr. Havens will be amazed.”
“Go ahead and run away,” Hanni called after them. “Bye-eee!”
“Don’t pay any attention to her,” Alfie whispered to Bella. “Hanni’s just being grouchy today, that’s all.”
“For no reason, probably,” Arletty chimed in.
“But it’s still gonna be a really fun week,” Alfie told the girls, hoping it was true.
3
A Halloween Plan
“Listen up and settle down, All-Stars,” Mr. Havens said after he had taken Monday morning attendance. He probably called out names like a San Diego Navy guy taking roll call, Scooter Davis told the kids at Alfie’s table once.
Mr. Havens had set up five tables in his classroom this year, with five kids at each table. A few single desks were scattered at the back of the room, in case someone needed to work alone.
Their teacher was tall and strong, Alfie thought, admiring him. His prickly hair seemed to sparkle on his head, it was so short. He was always neatly dressed, complete with a skinny tie, lately. But he sometimes seemed to be bursting out of his shirt, his muscles bulged so much. He rolled his shirtsleeves back from his big wrists as if he couldn’t possibly button them.
Mr. Havens had played basketball in college, and he coached the Oak Glen kids at recess, if they were interested.