Freshers

by Tom Ellen

  I opened the plastic packet and started to get changed, trying to affect Frankie’s give-a-shit vibe.

  ‘You look way more like an actual nurse than Frankie does,’ Negin said. ‘I think the green colour helps.’

  ‘I feel like one of the fairies from Cinderella. It really poofs out at the waist.’

  I sat on the bed and tried to work out how to put the suspenders on. In the end we had to watch a YouTube video to figure it out. I stood up and looked at myself. ‘They kind of funnel all my fat upwards and then it spills over the top of them. Like I’m a cupcake and my fat is buttercream icing.’

  ‘Why are blokes so into them?’ Frankie said. ‘Can you ask Luke? Let’s get a picture. Do a nurse face.’

  I stood up straight and did a sort of stern-but-kind face. Negin shook her head as she took the picture.

  ‘I think the suspender thing is because of olden-day prostitutes.’ Frankie undid her other stocking. ‘And maybe they fancy nurses because they’re . . . kind?’

  ‘I find boys really weird sometimes.’ I looked at myself in the mirror. ‘I will definitely sweat shitloads in this fabric. Fuck it. I’m not gonna wear it. It’s a joke. Who am I?’

  Frankie flopped down on the bed. ‘Well if you’re not gonna wear it, then I’ll feel even more ridiculous. Do you think we can get the £12.99 back?’

  ‘Let’s just both not wear it. In fact, let’s just agree to never wear suspenders, ever. I’m not a prostitute from the olden days. Or any kind of health worker. So it would be false advertising.’

  ‘Agreed,’ said Frankie. ‘Let’s shake on it.’

  ‘Just wear scrubs like me and Becky.’ Negin shrugged. ‘We’re gonna steal them from M Block tomorrow. We’ll steal you some, too.’

  My phone started flashing on the bed. I looked at the screen, then looked up. ‘Fuck.’

  ‘Who is it?’ Negin frowned. ‘Why do you look so scared?’

  ‘Oh my god, is it ISIS?’ Frankie yelled.

  ‘Yes, it’s ISIS,’ Negin yelled back. ‘They always phone Phoebe before they strike.’

  Becky laughed. The phone was still flashing and I didn’t know what to do. ‘It’s Luke,’ I said.

  ‘Shut. Up.’ Before I could stop her, Frankie snatched it out of my hand.

  ‘Don’t be a twat, Frankie!’ I screamed. ‘This is my life.’

  ‘“This is my life,”’ Negin repeated, and she and Becky cracked up again. Frankie shushed them and hit answer. ‘Hi, Luke Taylor.’ She jumped up on to the bed and held the phone so high I couldn’t reach it.

  ‘Oh my god,’ I whisper-groaned and jumped on to the bed next to her, elbowing her in the stomach to try and get the phone back.

  ‘Yes, it’s Frankie. It was delightful to meet you yesterday. Top, top quidditching on your part . . . What . . . Oh, right . . . Oh, really?’

  I mouthed, ‘What’s he saying?’ Her face changed and she nodded frantically at the window.

  Standing on the grass outside, looking up at us with a slightly bemused expression, was Luke.

  LUKE

  ‘Is that how you always dress for breakfast, then?’

  Her mouth twitched, like she was trying to pin back a smile. ‘Yeah. Obviously. It’s D Block tradition. We wake up, put on our latex nurse outfits, have some Shreddies . . .’

  I looked back at D Block as we headed up the walkway to our lecture. Frankie was still wearing the costume and dancing at us through the kitchen window.

  ‘So, were they for the 999 thing?’ I asked.

  She tilted her head at me. ‘No, Luke, I just randomly bowl about the place dressed like a sexy nurse.’

  I tilted back. ‘Well, you might do.’ I was slightly disappointed she hadn’t come downstairs still wearing it. I wondered how long I should wait before trying to kiss her again. It was pretty much all I’d thought about since we’d left the hall yesterday.

  ‘What are you going as?’ she asked.

  I shrugged. ‘I’ll probably just borrow a lab coat off one of the chemists. Go as a doctor.’

  She buttoned her jacket up against the wind. ‘It’s weird how people consider doctors and nurses inherently sexy. Like, why?’

  ‘Well . . . They do spend a lot of time around naked people.’

  ‘Yeah, but naked people who are either ill or dead.’

  ‘True. And no one finds undertakers sexy. To be honest, I reckon blokes just like any outfit that shows a lot of bare flesh.’ I put my hands up. ‘I apologize for my gender.’

  She nodded. ‘Apology accepted. I should warn you that me and Frankie have decided to fuck the whole sexy nurse thing off, anyway. We’re just gonna wear scrubs with Negin and Becky.’

  ‘Good plan.’

  ‘Is your mate Ed gonna come? Frankie’s obsessed with him.’ She stopped and slapped her hand across her mouth. ‘Don’t tell Ed that, obviously. Unless he’s obsessed with her, too. Is he obsessed with her, too?’

  We kept walking. ‘No idea. I’ll pump him for info next time I see him.’

  ‘No, Luke. You have to be subtle.’

  I looked at her, mock-offended. ‘I am subtle, Phoebe. I’m super subtle. Don’t worry about that.’

  She half glanced at me, her mouth twitching again.

  We got to the lecture and found seats near the back of the hall. It was so packed that everyone was bunched right up together, like sardines on ridiculously uncomfortable folding seats. Because me and Phoebe were sat so close, our legs kept brushing under the desk, and after a while it became a sort of game. One of us would nudge the other, the other would nudge back harder, with both of us trying – not very successfully – to keep a straight face.

  Because of all this, by the time the lecture finished, I had learnt literally nothing. I wondered as we walked out if I was ever going to take on any new knowledge during my three years here. If my parents knew my loan was being spent on nudging legs and obsessing over text messages, they’d be fucking furious.

  We traipsed up the hill to the library and got the books we needed for the next seminar. When we were back outside, I suddenly realized that we had no more legitimate, scheduled reasons to keep hanging out.

  ‘Do you fancy a cup of tea, or something?’ I asked, hopefully.

  ‘Yeah, that’d be nice.’

  We went into the vaguely litigious library cafe, ‘Starcups’ – which was half-heartedly decked out with rubber skeletons and pumpkins – and got teas and M&M cookies. Then we went and sat underneath the massive tree by the edge of the lake. It was jacket-and-gloves cold, but the air was fresh and the sky was clear blue. The ground was covered in conkers, and Phoebe picked one up. ‘I used to love playing conkers with my brother.’

  A memory bumped me out of nowhere. ‘Hey, do you remember when Tom Gale got suspended for whacking Dhiraj on the head with a conker? When was that? Year Eight?’

  ‘Oh yeah. We had a whole assembly on “conker safety” the day after. But I thought it was Dhiraj who conkered Tom, after Tom shot him with a BB gun? Tom Gale was definitely a bit of a psycho.’

  ‘I still find it so weird that we have all these memories in common, but we didn’t even know each other until the start of this month.’ I handed her the biggest, glossiest conker I could see. ‘Here, this will definitely win any conker clash you’ll ever enter. You’d be able to knock Tom Gale out cold with this one.’

  She smiled and put it in her jacket pocket, and I suddenly couldn’t wait any longer. I leant over and we were kissing again.

  It felt even better than yesterday, but we definitely weren’t at that point yet where we could go straight back into post-kiss normal conversation. As soon as we broke apart, a slightly awkward silence settled.

  I glanced across the lake and noticed a big group of people milling about on the other side. One of them broke away, and it seemed like he was looking at us, but he was too far away to tell. Suddenly, he stuck up a hand and waved, and I realized it was Will. We both waved back. It was impossible to read his expression.
The silence felt heavier suddenly.

  ‘I might live with Will next year, actually,’ I said, without really knowing why. Just to break the silence, I guess. ‘I mean, it’s not definite, or anything . . .’

  ‘Oh, right.’ Phoebe nodded. ‘Cool.’ She picked up another conker.

  I wondered again what she thought about Will. How serious their Freshers’ Week thing had actually been. I didn’t care that they’d probably hooked up, but I did care that he might have taken a photo of her. That she might be up there somewhere, on the Wall of Shame, with Dempers and everyone posting comments about her. Since I could only see the group from the day I’d been added, there was literally no way of knowing.

  ‘I’m freaking out about the whole house thing, to be honest,’ Phoebe said.

  ‘Surely you’ll live with Frankie and Negin?’

  She shrugged and stared down at the conker. ‘We haven’t talked about it yet. Negin’s got loads of mates on her course, and Frankie knows literally everyone on campus. So, I dunno.’

  ‘Yeah, the whole thing’s really stressful.’

  I looked across the lake and watched Will a second longer as he walked away.

  PHOEBE

  Turned out I did not look sexy in scrubs.

  They were enormous on me and smelt like toilet cleaner. But it was kind of awesome. Like being in a club wearing an invisibility cloak. Usually I spend all night checking out how much the humidity is making my hair frizz in the mirrors, but I just didn’t care this time. And, collectively, it made us all go mental.

  At one point, I took a running jump and launched myself into Josh. He was dressed as a fireman and had literally not left the dance floor since we’d arrived. He managed to catch me but the force sent us both crashing into the speaker.

  ‘Bennet, you are crazy tonight,’ he shouted at me.

  ‘It’s always there,’ I yelled. ‘It just pops out into the world every so often.’

  The song changed, and he closed his eyes and started to do such exaggerated ravey hand moves that people had to step back to give him space.

  I felt someone’s arms around my waist and a kiss on my cheek. ‘Ed is here,’ Frankie yelled in my ear. ‘Like, here. Not here. But near. Near here. In the club. I feel sick.’

  ‘Do you need to go to the toilet?’

  ‘No, sick with love. I just need to dance. Dance it out.’ She kissed me again. Even Negin and Becky were going for it. Becky had let a boy dressed as a policeman carry her to the DJ booth to request a song and Negin was introducing some of her Medicine mates to the quidditch lot.

  Luke waved his stethoscope at me from across the room, where he was talking to Ed and Arthur. I’d become sort of addicted to him. I liked being alone so I could think about him uninterrupted. I liked re-reading his messages and smiling to myself and thinking again and again about things he had said or moments that had passed between us. I had become one of those people. I had become obsessed with memory and had started collecting stuff. Serviettes from cafes we had been to and notes he had written me in the library after we had been told to shut up. It had been less than a week, but I was in it so deep. I missed him as soon as he left. I wanted him to message me straight away. But in the club it was perfect. Like we both knew the other one was there, and that we would go home together, so we could just relax and have fun until then. Every so often we would catch eyes across the dance floor and it felt amazing. Like he was addicted to me, too.

  Negin squeezed through the crowd and mouthed: ‘Do you want a drink?’

  We walked over to the bar. ‘Is it weird being sober when everyone else is pissed?’ I asked her.

  She smiled. ‘The most annoying thing is that everyone constantly repeats themselves.’

  I nodded. ‘Is it weird being sober when everyone else is pissed?’

  She rolled her eyes, and waved the barman over. ‘Phoebs, I just heard something . . . A girl on my course told me this thing about the football team.’ She looked down like she was debating how to say whatever it was she wanted to say. ‘She said they do this gross thing. They take pictures of girls they’ve . . .’ She made a face. ‘Anyway, they take pictures of them asleep and then rate them on the group chat.’

  I shook my head. ‘It’s totally fine, I’ve heard this whole thing already. Honestly, it’s totally not true. You can tell her she doesn’t have to worry. It’s just a stupid rumour someone made up.’

  Negin smiled weakly. ‘Are you sure? She sounded really upset about it.’

  ‘Honestly, Negin, one hundred per cent. Someone asked Luke about it at Bowl-Cut’s gig. He said it’s bullshit. And he is, like, their star player, so he would know, right?’

  Negin picked up her bottle of water and handed me my gin and tonic. She took a breath and almost said something else.

  ‘Thank you for worrying, though,’ I shouted. I almost added that I had been worried about Will when I’d heard about it. But I didn’t.

  At just gone midnight I said goodbye to the girls and me and Luke left.

  We bought chips and walked home slowly and then sneaked back into D Block and made tea.

  In my room, we lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling.

  ‘I wonder who has slept in this room before,’ I said. ‘These halls were built sixty years ago. So at least sixty people have laid in this exact same place, staring at the ceiling.’

  I pulled a bit of the duvet back and climbed underneath. He did the same. I reached over and switched the lamp off. And then wondered what he was thinking about me doing it. It was a sign that I knew he was staying.

  He lifted his arm up. ‘Tuck in.’

  Neither of us had talked about when we were going to have sex. He had slept in my bed for the past few nights, and we had done stuff, but not gone all the way. But this didn’t feel like the past few nights.

  We just lay there, saying random things until we both fell asleep. When I woke up we were detangled. It was still dark outside, and condensation was trickling down the window. Luke put an arm over me and pulled me closer to him. I wriggled round. We were facing each other. He leant a tiny bit further in and opened his eyes and then closed them again and we were kissing. We kissed for ages, and then, bit by bit, we were both undressed.

  I kissed him on the stomach, and then wondered if I should go down on him. I get so nervous about blow jobs. It’s like this thing that you can be bad at. You can’t really be bad at someone putting their willy inside you. Unless it won’t go in. But as long as that happens, it’s sort of deemed a success. Flora gave a blow job to a boy in Majorca and he fell asleep while she was doing it, so she was obviously messing it up somehow.

  I kissed him again and then did it. Just for a few seconds. Long enough to say I had done it but not long enough to mess it up in any way. Unless only doing it for a few seconds was messing it up. He made a noise as if he liked it. And then he threw the duvet back and cold air hit me and I shivered a bit.

  ‘Have you got a condom?’ I whispered. And then it hit me: the complete, total, bonkers surrealness of me, naked, asking Luke Taylor, naked, if he had a condom. I had to physically strain to stop from laughing. Or grabbing my phone to text Flora.

  I tried to look at the ceiling politely while he put it on and then wondered if I should pat him on the back or something to keep some kind of connection going.

  He turned around and kissed me. And then he pulled back a bit. In movies people just put it in easily. Like it’s not complicated to get it in the right place. Like it will just happen automatically without some kind of mapwork. I held it and put it in me a tiny bit.

  And then he was inside me. And it actually felt good. Really good. The surrealness resurfaced and I giggled by accident.

  ‘Are you laughing at me?’ he said, smiling. ‘This is not the moment you really want a girl to start laughing uncontrollably.’

  None of it felt awkward. I wouldn’t say I totally lost myself in the moment. I still wondered about what I looked like and if I should be doing
some porn star thing I have no idea how to do. But it was the closest I had ever felt to being myself while having sex.

  Afterwards, I needed to wee, but the toilets felt so far away. ‘Erm, Phoebe?’ Luke sat up suddenly. I was too tired to open my eyes and look at him.

  ‘Hmmmm?’

  He paused. ‘Where’s the condom?’

  LUKE

  ‘Shit! Fuck! No! What?!’

  Phoebe was hopping around the room in circles, pulling her pyjama bottoms on and hissing random swear words.

  I rubbed my eyes. I couldn’t quite get my head around it. This seemed like way too much to handle at three o’clock in the morning. Though, to be fair, it probably would’ve been too much to handle at any time of the day. The cold, clammy feeling that something very, very bad was happening started to unfurl in my stomach.

  ‘Fuck . . . Phoebe . . . I’m so sorry. What can we do? What happens now?’

  ‘I don’t know, Luke,’ she snapped. ‘Funnily enough, this has never happened to me before. I don’t usually just walk around the place with condoms stuck inside me.’

  ‘OK. Well . . . I’m sure we can figure this out.’

  She yanked open the door. ‘OK, great. That’s very reassuring. I’m going to the loo.’ She checked the corridor was empty, and then she was gone. I heard her socks padding quickly along the corridor.

  I pulled on my boxers, edged my way out and knocked gently on the toilet door. ‘Phoebe? Is everything OK?’

  ‘Not really,’ she hissed through the door. I could hear her breathing heavily.

  ‘What . . . should I do?’

  ‘Can you go get Frankie and Negin?’

  ‘Er . . . OK. Will they be up?’

  ‘I don’t know! Just get them!’

  I went to the door I was fairly sure was Negin’s and paused outside it. My phone said it was 3.07 a.m.