Full Circle (Shattered Lives, Book Five)

by Rissa Blakeley

  “Sir! You need to remain calm,” the flight attendant warned, waggling a finger at me. I wanted to snap it off and shove it down her fucking throat. “If you continue, we will have to take drastic measures. You are frightening the rest of the passengers.”

  Glancing up at her, the returned gaze was cold and unyielding. “Yes, bloody sorry. Like I can help having a fucking nightmare.”

  The urge to strangle her wattle neck niggled at my brain, but she decided to move away from us. Good plan, bird, I thought, my lip twitching. If she had said another word, it may have gotten ugly.

  It seemed like an eternity, laced with so many more stares and whispers, before we landed at Heathrow and got into the car waiting for us.

  The ride started out uneventfully; however, I remained shaken to the core from my day, the horrific circumstances I brought on my family. I could still hear Elaina’s screams as if I stood next to her, watching the scene unfold. I know what I did would destroy her entire being, but I clung to the hope that my mum would take care of her and my son, Nicky, until Elaina could face the world again.

  Erik stayed busy, texting, as I sat antsy, sweating profusely, my clothes tacky against my skin. I couldn’t wait to wash up and strip down to my boxers, allowing my body to breathe.

  The closer we got to the warehouse district of the East End, the louder my heart thundered in my ears, deafening me, making everything else fade.

  Thump-thump, thump-thump.

  The melodic murmur of the cabbie, the quiet clicks from Erik’s phone, his reserved responses to our driver… The car horns, raindrops hitting the windshield, the squeak of the wipers as they passed over the glass… It all quieted, allowing me to focus on the beat filling my chest, radiating through my entire body. I settled back against the seat, working hard to control my panic.

  As we pulled over, I looked up. The facility stood impassive and proud, almost innocent, but I knew the evils that went on in there. I knew it was just a mask, covering a façade that conjured only horrific memories.

  My heart raced faster, my breathing quickening. I wasn’t one hundred percent certain I would survive the turbulent rhythm playing in my chest. I couldn’t understand why no one else could hear it.

  Erik turned toward me, his tone soft when he spoke. “You all right, mate?”

  “Not really,” I choked out.

  Once again, he rested his hand on my shoulder. “Just breathe…”

  I wanted to scream that I was trying, but short, quick, wheezy ones were all I could manage.

  “Fuck,” I whispered, leaning forward, placing my head on the back of the front seat.

  Erik threw open the door and launched himself out of the car. He ran to my side, opening the door. He grabbed my arms. “Turn this way.”

  My body shook as I tried to control the movement. Feeling weak, I eventually twisted around, planting my feet on the street, elbows digging into my knees.

  The air in my lungs kept catching, not wanting to escape my throat. It was stuck. No in, no out. Maybe I would die before we began treatment. Oh, the irony.

  My hands trembled as I dropped my face into them. It was official. I was tweaking the fuck out.

  “Pace yourself, Luke.”

  I wanted to punch him dead center in his chest, take him down, then beat the ever-loving shit out of him. Why? Because…

  Luke.

  I hated Luke. Once again, my identity had changed without my permission. As I thought about it, in this grand scheme of madness, I had nothing left but Luke.

  “I think you’re having an anxiety attack,” Erik offered.

  No. I was certain I had developed some weird undiagnosed heart condition. Or asthma. More than likely, I was suffering from a stroke. Because death seemed imminent, it had to be something more than a simple anxiety attack. Like someone stabbed me in the heart and twisted and twisted and twisted until my breathing and heartbeat ceased.

  “Shit,” I said through another wheeze, my thoughts spinning out of control.

  “You’re doing fine. Just try to calm yourself.”

  Fuck calm. Fuck it all the way to hell and back because that was where I’d be going after what I did.

  Elaina’s screams came back to me, almost overshadowing my heartbeat, echoing through my mind.

  “Oh god… Ohgodohgodohgodohgod,” I whispered.

  “Do I need to call for emergency services?” the cabbie asked, stepping out of the car.

  “No, he’ll be fine. He’s just a little overwhelmed. It’s been a while since he’s been here. Come on, mate. Up you go, yeah?” Erik grabbed my elbow, urging me to stand. I couldn’t believe this scrawny, rat-faced bastard could handle my weight.

  Knees feeling like they were made of jelly, I stood and shuffled away from the car. Erik took my hand and pressed it to the car door, steadying me, before he ran back to the other side. My legs weakened the longer I stood. My body felt as if it were shattering. At any moment, I knew I’d drop like broken pieces of bricks on the sidewalk.

  I looked around the exterior of the building, hoping to find somewhere to sit before I had to walk into the flames of my personal hell. My gaze landed on the windows of Sophie’s old room, my vision flickering, fading in and out. Next to the entrance, the bench in the courtyard, where she used to find me passed out, came into view. I thought I saw Sophie standing at the doors. I shook my head at the hallucination, almost expecting her to come flying out to greet me. But no…

  She was fucking dead—a ghost—because of me.

  “Jesus Christ,” I whispered, feeling dread and an overwhelming infinite dejectedness rain down upon me.

  Sophie loved me as Luke, then as Liam, then as Henry. At least that was what I thought. I didn’t have much to offer but a chip on my shoulder and my cock. The first time we had sex, I felt like my life was real. She paid attention to me. She listened to me. She laughed and cried with me.

  Finding out Sophie was nothing but a two-faced lying whore hurt me beyond measure. Through the years, I counted on her to be there, but for her to betray me?

  I would never, ever forgive her for that.

  “Come on now,” Erik said, rounding the back of the car. “Let’s get you inside.”

  Somehow, he managed to carry all the bags and support me to the building without letting my knees take control, making me drop to the walkway.

  He touched his thumb to a print reader…

  That’s new.

  When he pulled open the entrance doors, the smell hit me.

  The stench of bleach made me gag. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand in an attempt to keep in anything wanting to lurch out like a raging, exorcised demon.

  “You need the loo?” he asked, walking me through the office-style lobby.

  “Yeah…,” I managed, biting down on the back of my fist.

  Rushing past the reception desk, he pushed me through the door. I weaved on my feet, my legs shaking, before I dropped to the floor in front of the loo.

  After puking for what felt like days, I tipped my head back, gasping for precious air, hoping the smell was just a bad memory.

  The institutional funk gagged me once more.

  My vision swimming, I fell back, my ass planting firmly on the white-tiled floor.

  I would’ve been happy to sit there for the next hour, or twelve, but Erik wouldn’t have been pleased in the slightest. Not that I gave two shits about his feelings, but he had been somewhat kind to me, allowing me to choose my path.

  Still wobbly, I stood, washed up, and rinsed my mouth out three times. Someday, I hoped to be able to do things one time and be done with the task.

  I staggered back into the lobby. Leaning against the wall, Erik messed around with his phone. He looked up, his narrow lips spreading into a thin, slick smile. “You all set?”

  Grunting in response, I leaned up against the wall, as well, dropping my head into my hands. “Fuck,” I whispered, feeling fear and anger at myself building to a level that might explode out of me
. Wherever I stayed in this godawful place, I hoped there was workout equipment for me to get some of the negative energy out; otherwise, we would all be in some major trouble.

  “Are you ready? My team is waiting to meet you.”

  “Yeah…sure,” I muttered, pushing away from the wall. “Sorry.”

  “No worries. I understand why you would get a case of the nerves. Let’s head to the lab. You’ll be there through the duration of your visit.”

  “Perfect. Are you going to put me in a maze and reward me with cheese every time I meet your standard, too?”

  He chuckled. I wasn’t trying to be funny. I knew what went on in there. One of my punishments was to kill infected animals. Remembering the blood spilled, I glanced down at my hands, fearful they were once again covered in it.

  “Quirky, quirky, Luke. As I explained to you in the beginning, staying quarantined is for your own good. We need to keep you safe from germs. The last thing you need to get is a cold while fighting your virus.”

  “It’s not quarantined. It’s prison. And it’s your virus. You made it.”

  My gaze drifted around as we walked toward the elevator, taking in the familiar environment. The white and blue walls…the same blue as Elaina’s eyes. The color was like a slap in the face.

  Once again, her screams built in my head, echoing to deafening levels. I wanted to fall to the floor and cover my ears, hoping the noise would quiet.

  My hand trembled as I pushed it through my hair.

  “In a sense, it will be like a prison, but you are a prisoner already, yeah?”

  Again, I grunted in response.

  He patted me on the back, making me jump. “I’m going to change that.”

  “Yeah…sure,” I muttered.

  When we finally made it to the elevator, Erik pressed the down button and stood quietly as we waited.

  I was anything but. My body worked against my dark and spiraling thoughts. The muscle twitches, sighs, and trickling sweat spoke loudly in the seemingly peaceful atmosphere. Starting from birth, I wanted to forget everything that had ever happened, but the heinous memories would clearly be the loudest. And the worst of it?

  I worried this treatment would fail and I would be plagued forever.

  Feeling overwhelmed by the entire situation, I wanted to run, but I doubted I would get far, especially with that print reader at the entrance.

  Erik’s gaze kept flickering to me, watching all my tweaky behavior.

  The elevator chime sounded, almost deafening, when the car arrived at our level. He stepped in and held the door open, waiting for me to cross the threshold. I stared at the metal strip, wondering if this truly were the start of a new beginning for me, or if someone would be waiting on the other side of the door with a Taser.

  Even though I killed Roger and Kellan, Gunther killing Drew, the fear would always tangle with the thoughts, never allowing me to be free from all that constrained me. This whole thing, a poorly played theatrical game of life dancing amidst ominous sounds and lighting, was just a ploy, and I was walking into a bloody trap.

  Erik coughed, making me look up at him. “I promise you this is not a trap.”

  How did the motherfucker dig into my thoughts?

  “I would not have spent so much time working toward this moment if it were. I could’ve just had Xander hogtie you and bring you back.”

  “You really think he could take me on?”

  He smiled. “If he incapacitated you, yes.”

  I stared at him, shaking my head. “Just so we’re clear. I will kill you with my bare hands, then drain you. I have zero attachment to you or any other twat who could get in my way.”

  “I know. You made mention of that while you had a gun pressed to my head.”

  “I’m not fucking around, Erik,” I warned, lifting a brow.

  “And neither am I,” he said with a nod of his puny head.

  I stared him down, trying to gauge his truth, but I couldn’t get a read of anything other than sincerity.

  “I better live through this process. I don’t want to go home in a fucking body bag.”

  “I swear to you, we will do our best so you can return home and live your happily ever after.”

  “This isn’t a fucking fairy tale. It’s a real-life situation…ending with me dead or alive.”

  “We have nothing more to offer you. At this point, the position you find yourself in right now, you either step into this car or you walk out those front doors. No one will hinder you if you decide to go.”

  I spun around, looking down the hall. He was right. I could just run. I’d need his finger, of course, but that would pose no problem. Turning to face him again, I let out a shaky breath. “Okay, fine, but keep in mind of what I’m capable.”

  “Will do,” he said with another classic Erik smile.

  I stepped into the car, maneuvered behind the luggage, and braced myself against the bar on the back wall. As the door slid shut, a pronounced shudder ran through my body. Bile rose up my esophagus, my mouth watering.

  I swallowed and swallowed and swallowed.

  The elevator chimed again, the weightlessness taking over my head for a moment before the door slid open.

  Peering around Erik, I saw no one standing there. Shoving him into the car wall, I stepped over the luggage, wanting to look for myself. I let out an exhale and tilted my head, slipping into program mode.

  “I’m telling you, there is no one lurking.” He took one step forward.

  “Shhh…,” I said, shoving him back again.

  “Everyone here is in the lab.”

  “Shut the fuck up.” I tuned my hearing in for any sound, but if it were someone trained like me, he or she would know. When the door started to close, I pushed the DOOR OPEN button. “Hold it open.”

  “Fine, but do know people are waiting for you and…” He flicked his wrist over, checking the time, “it’s getting late.”

  Hearing the annoyed tone in his voice, I gazed at him over my shoulder. “Does it look like I care? I’m not walking into an ambush,” I said in a heated whisper.

  “The war is over. You’ve made it out on the winning side.”

  “It sure doesn’t feel that way.” I stole a glance left, then right.

  “Are you satisfied yet?” He sighed.

  “Yes.” I grabbed my pack and slipped the straps over my shoulders.

  Erik mumbled all sorts of things as we stepped out into the hall. “You’re being overly cautious and it really isn’t necessary.”

  “Really?” Needing to set the tone for this journey, I slammed him against the wall, wrapping my hand around his skinny neck, reminding him with whom he was dealing. His eyes went wide, silently pleading with me to let go. “You want to play that game? The ‘Luke is crazy’ game? Maybe I am, but everything I am is because of you and Roger.” I pointed into his face. “Don’t you dare ever tell me I’m being overly cautious. I am who I am due to all the fucked-up bullshit I’ve dealt with throughout my entire life. You have no idea what it was like to be me.”

  “He terrified me, as well,” he said, voice shaking between the strained breaths. “He threatened and held me against my will until I agreed to start filling syringes with the virus so they could infect all of you. I felt every bit of his irrational and demented behavior as he hovered, making sure I did everything he wanted me to. I fell in line, doing what I had to do to keep Roger happy. Not once did he ever give a shit about the humanity of the situation. I didn’t want to infect all of you, but I welcomed it because I was bloody fucking paralyzed with fear. I turned cold, turned off the alarms in my head, allowing the monster within me to take over. It was the only way I could survive.”

  “Welcome to my world, motherfucker.” I tightened my hand around his throat, watching him squirm and turn a shade of bluish-purple.

  The suitcases he carried dropped to the floor before he reached up and grabbed my hand.

  I stared straight into his eyes, my lip twitching as I thought ab
out biting him to make him feel my pain.

  But I didn’t. I let the rat-faced bastard go. He bent over, gasping for air for a moment before righting himself. I stared with mild amusement, watching him struggle to breathe as he bent to pick up his bags.

  My life in a nutshell. Nothing ever came easy. Nothing ever fell into my lap. I had to hold on to a façade and work for everything. I couldn’t even keep my relationship together without struggle.

  “Fuck it,” he muttered, dropping the bags. “I’ll just leave them here and grab them when I go back up later.”

  “Suit yourself,” I said, shrugging.

  He glared at me as we walked down the hall toward the lab. He staggered a little, seemingly still reeling from the lack of oxygen. We stopped in front of the lab entrance as he moved his head from side to side, trying to alleviate the damage I may have caused.

  Pulling in a ragged breath, Erik faced me. “Last chance to run.” His voice was a little scratchy. “As soon as we go through this door, you have no choice but to begin treatment.”

  “My family and friends already think I’m dead. What other choice do I have?”

  He stared at me for a moment before pressing his finger to the print reader next to the metal door. It clicked, unlocking, and he pushed the handle down. My heart fluttered and, once again, bile returned, burning my throat.

  As soon as we stepped through the door, several pairs of eyes stared at me, examining…judging. The hair on my neck and arms stood up as I tried to avoid their harsh gazes, ducking my head down, not even getting a glimpse of their faces. I did watch the position of their legs and feet so I could defend myself, if necessary.

  Erik cleared his throat, rubbing it just a little. “Thank you, everyone, for coming out. I apologize for the late hour.”

  “Are you okay? You look…odd.”

  That was a voice I recognized. I looked up at the woman.

  The lab assistant, Tess Simms. The one who lived against the grain with her rock-and-roll vibe…clothing, hair, makeup, and tattoos. Her level of profanity could rival Elaina’s. When I lived in the facility, I used to catch her watching me. I wondered if she would do the same this time around.