SMOKING MIRROR BLUES_The Return of Tezcatlipoca

by Ernest Hogan

  Phoebe looked over Xochitl, who blushed and wasn't sure if she should be insulted.

  "Chingow!" Phoebe wrinkled up her nose. "She really is xau-xau."

  Xochitl’s upper lip trembled.

  Caldonia pointed her phone back at her own face. "So, we need your room number, so we can come visit you!"

  Phoebe shook her head and whined. "Oh . . . I don't know the room number."

  Caldonia took a deep breath. "Why don't you go to the door and check it, dear?"

  "Oh!" Phoebe got up out of the bed, then noticed that she was in the electric pink lingerie that both Beto and Caldonia loved. She grabbed a sheet and wrapped it around herself into a makeshift toga. Then she realized that her hair was a mess and she rewrapped the sheet into a makeshift hooded robe.

  "Phoebe," Caldonia said, "what are you doing?"

  "I look so xau-xau," Phoebe whined.

  "I doesn't matter. Nobody is going to be in the hall. And it'll just take a couple of seconds."

  "That's right." Phoebe didn't sound very assured. She opened the door, looked at the number, and suddenly someone was yelling at her.

  *

  Snork's dull, gray eyes suddenly got big. He started waving his scarified arms around, grunted, pointed to the door of room 328 and made an effort to speak: "There! There! There! The door! Open!"

  The Olvidadoid enforcers and guards all looked over at the door, and saw sleepy-eyed Phoebe scratching her head and reading the number. Oscardo and Macha simultaneously screamed orders so the others couldn't understand, but that didn't matter, Pirañha and Snork automatically did their best to get in front of Pit and Kitty-Kitty as they all charged the door.

  Phoebe heard, looked, screamed, and slammed the door shut behind her.

  Pirañha, Snork, Pit, and Kitty-Kitty, followed by Oscardo and Macha, all crashed into the door and each other.

  *

  All Caldonia could see was a wild, jerking picture and hear the muffled sounds of heavy impacts over her phone. "Phoebe! What the hell's going on?"

  *

  "Caldonia!" Phoebe said as the door slammed shut behind her. "Chingow! Did you see or hear that?"

  "Yeah," said Caldonia over the phone, "looks like Smokey's holding you prisoner. This is going to get complicated."

  "What's with that guy?" Phoebe plopped down on the bed, causing two static lines to rip through the picture on Caldonia's phone.

  "More that you think."

  "Are you going to come up to 328 and rescue me?" Phoebe's eyelashes fluttered.

  Caldonia took another deep breath. "Yeah, but we're going to have to get some stuff so we can deal with any resistance those hallway thugs might give us."

  "Good," said Phoebe, suddenly bubbling with enthusiasm. "That'll give me enough time to take a hot bath and get ready."

  "See you, Phoebe-babe!"

  "Ta-ta, Caldonia!"

  *

  The pale, balding white man and the black man have entered the Bonaventure! Could the hotel be the headquarters for this Satanic, black-racist, sodomite conspiracy? Dispatch more agents to the scene, immediately! Access their infosystems! This is a spiritual emergency! May God have mercy on their souls.

  *

  "I assure you," the little afro desk clerk said, "there is no one by the name of Phoebe Graziano registered at this time."

  "Oh well," said Ralph with a shrug of his shoulders.

  "May we do a cross check of your records with our infosystem?" Zobop asked.

  The little clerk screwed up his face as if he smelled a killer fart. "Certainly not! It is against our policy, and would violate customer security."

  "Oh," said Zobop, smiling and touching his high-tech sunglasses. "Then I guess there's nothing you can do for us."

  "I've been so happy to be of service," the clerk said.

  Ralph sighed as they walked away from the desk. "Too bad he couldn't help, but I don't think I could have handled a confrontation."

  Zobop gave a sharp, closed-mouthed laugh.

  "What's so funny?" asked Ralph.

  Zobop touched his sunglasses. "I made an unauthorized check of their records while the clerk was distracted. Phoebe is in room 328."

  Ralph just shook his head.

  *

  The little afro desk clerk straightened his bow tie and keyed a special code into his monitor.

  EMERGENCY SECURITY SMARTFILE> HOW MAY I HELP YOU?> discreetly appeared on the screen.

  2 SEPARATE & SUSPICIOUS PARTIES HAVE INQUIRED ABOUT THE WOMAN IN ROOM 328> UP INHOTEL SECURITY CODE TO YELLOW> INFORM PAYING PARTY TO ALERT OWN SECURITY FORCE> was keyed by the clerk with a satisfied smile.

  *

  Tezcatlipoca took note of the message, cross-referenced and informed Smokey.

  *

  The hotel doesn't appear to be part of or aware of the conspiracy, but then this could all be some kind of sophisticated coverup. We need to concentrate our efforts here. May God have mercy on their souls.

  *

  Tan Tien had just about completely calmed down when the infosystem started to make the cacophonous collection of complaints that indicated that once again it was having trouble tracking Tezcatlipoca.

  A static-filtered voice came out of one of the speakers: "See, I told you Tan Tien. You're going to have to do better than that."

  She decided to call Director Ho.

  *

  Director Ho looked horrified when Tan Tien appeared on his screen.

  "Oh no," he said.

  "Director Ho," she said, "aren't you happy to see me?"

  "What do you want, Tan Tien?"

  "Director Ho, I need your help."

  "That's what I was afraid of."

  14. SMOKEY RISING

  Tezcatlipoca listened in to Tan Tien's call to Director Ho and relayed it to Smokey.

  *

  "We have to do something about it," said Smokey.

  "About what?" asked Lobo. "The ostinato?"

  "Oh no," said Smokey. "I was just thinking out loud."

  Los Tricksters and the Olvidadoid guards wondered what Smokey could be thinking about for a few seconds, then went back to business.

  *

  Caldonia and Xochitl walked out of the local Survival Chic franchise with a pair of spanking-new Xao telescoping stun guns with freshly charged Energizer superconductive batteries, and got on the scooter.

  "Are you sure these things will work?" Xochitl asked, triggering hers and staring at the spark.

  "I once used one of these to neutralize a gang of masculinists that wanted to rape me," Caldonia said with pride.

  Xochitl tried to visualize the person, male and/or female that would be capable of raping Caldonia. The androgynous image resembled a gorilla or a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than a homo sapien. It made her giggle.

  "What's so funny?" asked Caldonia.

  "Oh . . . nothing." Xochitl smirked.

  *

  Xochitl and the black woman have armed themselves! They definitely have mayhem on their minds! This is serious! We may be forced to inform the secular authorities! This is getting totally out of hand! May God have mercy on their souls.

  *

  Before Zobop and Ralph could get out of the glass elevator that looked like a Jules Verne vision of 20th century technology, the Olvidadoid guard and enforcers had marched over to block their way.

  "Where are you going?" asked Macha, her mouth tight, so her faint mustache almost disappeared.

  "Yeah, and what business do you have on this floor?" demanded Oscardo, showing his metallic blue teeth, not to be outdone.

  Ralph went wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

  Zobop touched his high-tech sunglasses, charged his stun-ring, and said, "We have an appointment with Ms. Phoebe Graziano in room 328. It's very important."

  *

  Tan Tien checked out the Olvidadoids through Zobop's sunglasses. "Look out. They have the jewelry and body decorations of both Olvidadoid guards and enforcers. Look out for the enforcers – they are more used to k
illing. The bulges in their clothing indicate both body armor and weaponry. Communications devices seem to be only wrist-phones. Don't provoke them."

  *

  Zobop signaled that he got and understood Tan Tien's message by subtly nodding his head. He couldn't risk talking to her at the moment.

  "We got orders not to let anybody see that woman," said Macha, leaning toward the elevator door, making a hand signal that called Pit and Kitty-Kitty closer. His scarified biceps flexed. She wiggled her steel-edged nails so they sparkled in the indirect lighting.

  Ralph moved to the back of the elevator.

  "Yeah," Oscardo cocked his head, causing the Pirañha and Snork to lurch closer, colliding with Pit and Kitty-Kitty. Pit hit Pirañha in the throat with a tattooed elbow. Kitty-Kitty stung a few of her nails into places on Snork's arm that weren't scarified. There was some pushing and shoving.

  Ralph moaned.

  Zobop reached over, and pressed the CLOSE DOOR button.

  The guards and enforcers slammed into the closing elevator doors.

  Ralph reached over and pressed the DOWN button.

  *

  Phoebe turned on the lights and looked around the strange room, trying to figure out where she was and how she got into that big bed with the pretty coral sheets that went so well with her light, euro skin. It was definitely a hotel, a fancy one, the kind she love to make love and be pampered in.

  Did she and Smokey have sex and she didn't remember? She hated when that happened.

  There it was on some stationary, the Hotel Bonaventure, that quaint, corny collection of circular glass towers that looked like some outdated idea of a spaceship.

  Where was Beto? Had he abandoned her? She whimpered.

  At least she knew that Caldonia was coming to rescue her.

  Then she saw the phone, its screen silently flashing, MESSAGE WAITING.

  She picked it up. Smokey appeared on the screen, and said:

  "Ay, Phoebe-baby, glad you got your beauty sleep. Get ready, I have the Olvidadoids posted at the door to lead you to a waiting limo to take you to where I'm rehearsing for my concert tonight."

  It didn't seem like a recording. She could have sworn that he was responding to her eye-contact, giving her non-verbal love signals.

  Phoebe ecstatically strutted to the bathroom, and started running a bubble bath.

  *

  While the enforcers and guards pounded on the elevator door and each other, their phones all rang at once again. They all stopped and answered.

  Smokey was on all their screens.

  "When Phoebe is ready, escort her the lobby – a driver in a T-shirt with a picture of me on it will take her to a limo," he said.

  "What about the people who are trying to get her?" asked Macha, while she rubbed where Oscardo had left teeth marks in her scalp; her red hair was too short to be mussed.

  Smokey's eyes narrowed. "Discourage them with extreme prejudice. Phoebe's taking a bath, so you have plenty of time."

  The guards and enforcers cheered.

  Oscardo winked at Macha as he touched the button to make the elevator return.

  *

  Ralph closed his eyes as the elevator went down to the lobby, and kept them closed as the elegant glass cage ended its descent. He heard the doors open, but then Zobop said, "Merde!" Ralph kept his eyes closed a little longer, until the sound of mayhem forced him to open them.

  The little afro desk clerk was shrieking. Several hotel goons were in a pitched battle with a bald afro woman who handled her Xao telescoping stun gun like a skilled maniac, forcing the armored goons out of her path, as a meek-looking latio woman with a similar weapon followed, barely managing to defend herself. The Xao-toting women were heading straight for the elevator.

  Near the main entrance, an asio in a chauffeur's cap and a Smokey Espejo T-shirt bobbed to the music he was playing on his Posada headset.

  Zobop tried to hit the CLOSE DOOR button, but Caldonia's Xao zapped his forearm as she and Xochitl bounded in.

  The goons were coming close behind.

  "You can press it now, xau-xau!" Caldonia said, telescoping her Xao to Zobop's throat.

  Zobop politely obliged. The door closed, and the elevator was ascending long before the goons could reach it.

  *

  A nice, warm bubble bath was just what Phoebe needed. She was feeling sumato: More than one lover was after her. That always made her feel wonderful, even if it got to be more than she could handle after a while and eventually caused her social life to crash and burn.

  But there was no time to worry about that. She needed to become clean and beautiful for the rescue and/or concert rehearsal, whichever came first, and the water was warm, and bubbles so cozy.

  Her body was soaking it all up. She felt beautiful, sexy. Her breasts were magnificent as they floated in the water, barely peeking out of the bubbles. She couldn't help but squeeze them -- why not, she was such a beautiful woman, that the whole world should want inside her vagina!

  She felt her vagina. It was pretty clean. She still wasn't sure if Smokey had been in there yet. They may have used a condom or something, or maybe even showered together afterwards the way she and Caldonia often did. Her nipples grew erect. Her breast were so beautiful, like ripe fruit, and it felt good to stroke them, and now that her vagina was fresh and clean it felt so good to slide a finger in and out and around . . .

  *

  Zobop grabbed the end of Caldonia's Xao and pushed it away from his throat. "I am Zobop Delvaux. Is there any other way I can be of service to you?"

  Caldonia glared at his aristocratic bearing and Haitian Creole accent, shoved the Xao back into his face and said, "Just stay out of our way!"

  Xochitl noticed that Ralph was climbing the handrail trying to get away from the Xao. She pulled it away from him and smiled, so he wouldn't think she was impolite.

  Ralph's reflexes made his smile back, and say, "Hi, I'm Ralph."

  "I am called Xochitl," she reflexed back.

  "So what?" said Caldonia. "Don't talk to these guys! We don't have time! What's taking this thing so long? What was that room number again?"

  "328," said Xochitl, proud at being able to figure out what it was in English so fast.

  "328?" Zobop and Ralph said in unison.

  Caldonia shoved her Xao into Zobop's face. "Yeah. What about it?"

  "Uh," Ralph talked fast, stumbling for the words, "we were just there?"

  Zobop pushed the Xao away from his face. "Please." He pointed to his high-tech sunglasses. "I've got some sensitive equipment here." Then he showed his Katkov stun-ring. "And some not so sensitive equipment here."

  "What were you xau-xaus doing in room 328?" Caldonia was furious.

  "Uh, uh," said Ralph.

  "Actually," said Zobop in a disturbingly calm tone, "we weren't in the room. They wouldn't let us in."

  "They!" Caldonia screamed. "Who are they?"

  The elevator jerked to a stop. The door opened, and the Olvidadoid guards and enforcers were just outside, looking like a pack of wolves that had just been thrown several pounds of raw hamburger.

  15. BODY FLUID VISIONS

  Phoebe thought about Smokey, Beto, and Caldonia as she masturbated. Her body looked so good – it was like making love to a beautiful woman. She started with the slow, soft, squish-squish-squish-squish rhythms of women making love. It got really hot, really slow, and lasted a long, long, long, long time. It was delicious. Then she got to that desperate, wanna-have-an-orgasm-right-now, fuck me, fuck me, bite my nipples you bastard, be a man, dammit point. The water splashed, like it was infested with sharks, and pirañha. Bubble-bath foam went flying. Phoebe came, and came, and came, and came, and came . . .

  *

  Caldonia didn't give anybody time to say anything – she just aimed her Xao at Oscardo's groin and zapped him so his eyes bugged out and his blue-chromed teeth were fully exposed as he flew back right into Macha, which caused a domino reaction that soon had them, Pit, Kitty-K
itty, Pirañha, and Snork in a tangled clump on the floor, all punching, biting, kicking, and scratching, as well as using a healthy, multilingual mix of recombozoid profanity.

  Caldonia didn't bother to listen to any of it – she'd heard it all before anyway – so she charged ahead, Xao a-blazing, leaving Bröcklin Kombat slipper tracks all over the Olvidadoids as she ran down the halls, scanning for room numbers.

  Zobop didn't skip a beat. He powered-up his stun ring, and zapped Macha through her red crew-cut as she tried to get up, jumped over her and her comrades, and followed Caldonia.

  Back in the elevator, Xochitl and Ralph stared at each other in baffled non-communication for a few painful, elongated seconds. Then Kitty-Kitty's arm reached into the elevator, nail-blades slashing the air to ribbons. Without thinking, Ralph brought his foot down Kitty-Kitty's wrist, pinning it down; but then the enforcer's other claw shot in, shredding Ralph's already blood-spattered pant-leg. He screamed bloody murder. Xochitl's Xao then zapped Kitty-Kitty in an exposed arm-pit, causing her to scream bloodier murder.

  Pirañha pulled her way near Xochitl's leg, leading with her filed-chromed teeth. She was zapped for her trouble.

  The rest of the Olvidadoids couldn't quite make it to their feet, but were all clawing their way into the elevator. Xochitl and Ralph glanced at each other and understood.

  "After you," said Ralph.

  "Graçías." said Xochitl, holding down the Xao's trigger and zapping Snork down his back and Pit across the face as she leaped over them.

  Ralph followed, barely escaping Oscardo's blue teeth and Macha's clutching hand.

  *

  Phoebe felt so good, if rather weak after masturbating. The water was hot; it made the bathroom into a steamy, tropical paradise with chromed fixtures. Perfect. So sumato. She didn't want to move, so she just stayed there, enjoying it.

  Why hurry? Smokey would make the limo wait forever if necessary. Caldonia would need some time to get past the guards. And as for Beto – he would be impatient and tell her she was a flake, but he was xau-xau and to hell with him!

  People loved her and waited for her . . . if they knew what was best for them.