Only Dead on the Inside

by James Breakwell

  The best toys to weaponize require safety goggles. Zombies see. They have eyeballs, and they use them. You have a house full of children’s playthings that twirl, spark, shoot projectiles, and inevitably end up in someone’s eye. It’s time to use that to your advantage. If a zombie corners your kids, tell your children to grab the most dangerous toys they can find and aim for the zombie’s face. A spinning fairy wing or flying foam dart could permanently lacerate a zombie’s corneas. A blinded zombie could still track you and your children by smell, but everything in your house will uniformly stink. The only thing that will run out faster than food in the apocalypse is air fresheners.

  Toys that can be customized into stabbing implements are the deadliest of all. Any plaything made of hard plastic can be sharpened into a shiv. It doesn’t sound like a good zombie weapon, but never underestimate the stabbing power of a sharpened Barbie. A shiv will punch through a zombie skull like, well, a shiv through a zombie skull. It’s not a well-known idiom now, but I’m sure it’ll replace “like a hot knife through butter” in years to come.

  Even playthings that only look dangerous can be useful. Encourage your kids to play with toy guns. In better times, you might have worried they could be mistaken for real guns and get your kids into trouble. In the zombie apocalypse, that’s exactly what you want to happen. Zombies won’t be frightened by armed children, but other survivors might be. Quite frankly, if you see a strange toddler holding a gun-shaped object, you should get the hell out of there, no questions asked. Other humans who think your kids are packing heat are less likely to kill your family and take your stuff. The worst those strangers will do to you is judge your parenting skills. Let them. They’ll be too busy being self-righteous to hear the zombies shuffling up behind them.

  BOARD GAME NIGHT

  Having the right tools to kill zombies won’t be enough. Your kids also must have the right attitude. Children endlessly fight their own siblings, but when it comes to zombies, many kids will be reluctant to engage. The fastest way to bolster their fighting spirit is with board games. If you suspect a zombie attack is imminent, sit down with your kids and play Monopoly. By the end, everyone will be ready to kill each other. Channel that anger toward the undead. Then sit back and watch proudly as your kids destroy an entire zombie horde.

  Other games can help your kids fight as well. Twister will limber them up for the physical demands of combat; Battleship will attune them to the cat-and-mouse nature of avoiding zombies; and Chutes and Ladders will remind them life is random, unfair, and pointless, so they might as well cheat. After enough time with these games, your kids will become agile, cunning, and indifferent to whether they live or die. They will be terrible human beings but perfect zombie slayers. It’s every parent’s dream.

  FIGHT OR FLIGHT

  As a parent, you’re an expert at avoiding confrontation. Not every battle is worth fighting. Sometimes it’s easier to hide in the closet and cry. No wonder the walk-in ones are so popular. But in the zombie apocalypse, as with the rest of life, there are some situations where a fight can’t be avoided. If you must fight, fight to win. Or at least go for a respectable draw. Or a loss where you can still sneak away at the end somehow. Basically, don’t die. And don’t let your kids die, either. It doesn’t matter how bad you are at panicking at the right time or fighting with Barbie shivs as long as you get the right results. You succeed as a parent as long as your kids live to whine another day.

  CHAPTER 8

  STROLLING FOR TROUBLE

  Parents have many weapons at their disposal, but only one has the power to destroy anyone or anything in its path. A soldier has a rifle. A Jedi has a lightsaber. A parent has an umbrella stroller.

  Make no mistake: This is a weapon disguised as transportation. If you have a child young enough to ride in one, consider yourself lucky. You’ll always be armed and ready to defend your family. I feel bad for parents whose kids are too old. You can’t push an empty umbrella stroller before the world ends. People will wonder if you’re missing a child or looking to kidnap one. You can’t stay on the lookout for zombies if you’re running from the police.

  An umbrella stroller is lightweight and folds up at a moment’s notice, at least in theory. In the open position, you can use it like a battering ram to trip zombies. Closed, you can pick it up and swing it like a club. Its hollow metal rods give it the right balance of strength and speed to strike a crushing blow against any opponent. And the best part is it’s entirely unregulated. Unlike guns, flamethrowers, and combat aircraft, there are no laws restricting umbrella stroller ownership. You could go out tonight and buy fifty of them without a background check. Of course, no sane person needs that many. Also, it wouldn’t be fair. Save some zombie killing for the rest of us.

  Weapons and Their Waiting Periods

  Banned No Matter How Long You Wait

  Short Waiting Period

  No Waiting Period

  Hand grenades, nuclear weapons, aircraft carriers, lightsabers.

  Most handguns and semi-automatic rifles.

  Umbrella strollers, any booby trap featured in the movie Home Alone.

  I didn’t invent using a child transportation device as a combat weapon. Umbrella stroller fencing is a gentleman’s sport that dates back more than a century. Sure, it’s not in the Olympics, but only because snobbish traditionalists are afraid it will overshadow classic events like swimming or dressage. After you’ve seen two skilled stroller fencers do battle, it’s hard to get excited about a dancing horse.

  The development of stroller fighting was inevitable. If something exists, humans will use it as a weapon. That’s the most basic law of physical matter. When England debuted the first giant prams, parents immediately tested them against each other in demolition derbies. The children were still inside them, which explains the high child mortality rate back then. In today’s more enlightened times, direct baby-on-baby collisions are discouraged, but bored parents still find ways to duel. Look at the metal bars on any stroller. If they have mysterious dings and scrapes, a mom or dad definitely picked it up and swung it like a broadsword. And now you understand why parents only hang out with other parents.

  The deadliness of the umbrella stroller is beyond dispute, but there are still a few naysayers out there. “If strollers are so dangerous,” they say to themselves because they have no friends, “why haven’t there been any stroller murders in recorded history?” First of all, stroller murder records only go back to the mid-1960s. I assume the period before that was a real bloodbath.

  Second, strollers are way more effective against the undead than they are against the living. There’s a highly scientific explanation for why, but the short answer is that dumb, slow zombies are easier to thump on the head. As if that weren’t convincing enough, I’ll now prove it to you with some completely fictional scenarios I made up off the top of my head.

  TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE STROLLER COMBAT SCENARIO 1

  You and your family are out for a walk. You push a baby in a stroller while a few bigger kids walk, or more accurately drag their feet until they fall behind and then sprint ahead for absolutely no reason. You thought this would be a simple two-block stroll, but now it’s turned into a three-mile death march. You’re tired, irritable, and cursing this stupid fad of going places with the power of your own two feet. That’s when you spot it: a zombie shambling toward you. Never fear. You’re already pushing the greatest zombie-slaying weapon ever invented. I still don’t understand why they sell it in the baby aisle.

  The first thing to do is clear the combat zone. In other situations, your spouse and kids might be able to help. But you’re pushing a weapon of mass destruction. The last thing you want to do is wipe out your family as collateral damage.

  That’s not to say the rest of your family will leave willingly. Ditching them will require subtlety and tact. Unfortunately, as a parent, you have neither. Yelling at tiny humans all day to stop eating sand and licking each other tends to make you blunt. But if you tell
your family there’s a zombie, that will only make them more likely to stay, either to see the monster firsthand or—if it’s the first one you’ve ever encountered—to mock you for being crazy. When you take the baby out of the stroller and hand them off to a family member, your spouse will be even more likely to stick around. Getting ready for a zombie fight looks a lot like abandoning your family so you can start over somewhere new. Don’t get any ideas. Instead, calmly neutralize your spouse’s sudden clinginess by being yourself. If you’re like me, you’ve been driving people away your entire life. You’ve got this.

  Since zombies are slower than humans, your family should be able to calmly turn around and walk away from danger. That’s the theory. In practice, executing even the simplest maneuver with kids is virtually impossible. They naturally do the opposite of what you tell them, unless they anticipated you’d use reverse psychology. Then they do the opposite of whatever you said. If you understood those sentences at all, you’ve already spent too much time with your children.

  Once your spouse and kids turn around to leave, it’s your job to act as a rear guard as they escape—or as they stop ten feet away and bicker about something pointless while you risk your life for their safety. At this point, you might be tempted to deal with the zombie with your bare hands. Like almost everything else in your life, this is a bad idea. That emaciated corpse could be stronger than you. Let’s be honest: Kids weren’t the first excuse you used to skip the gym. Plus the flesh on the zombie’s forearm could tear off when you grab it, allowing the zombie to slip forward and attack you. That would be deadly and more than a little gross. Always carry hand sanitizer.

  Now that you’ve lost all confidence in your hand-to-hand fighting skills, you’re ready to unleash the fury of the umbrella stroller. The first technique is a rolling frontal assault. It’s the easiest and laziest of attacks. It’s the sweat-pants of combat.

  Rolling Stroller Attack:

  1.Verify the baby is no longer in the stroller. If you forgot to hand the kid to your spouse, this won’t end well.

  2.Aim for one of the zombie’s shins.

  3.Charge forward with the stroller.

  4.As the zombie falls, yell a dad joke. Be creative. “Timber!” and “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” are already taken.

  Note that zombie battles don’t end just because you make contact and utter a witty one-liner. The undead are immune to all burns, both physical and emotional. If the zombie is walking toward you when you take out one leg, it could fall forward. If this happens, sidestep and keep the stroller between yourself and the zombie. You’ll need quick reflexes to pull it off, so there’s a good chance this is the point where you’ll die. Sorry if your life was short and pointless. At least you lived long enough to buy my book.

  If, when the zombie falls, it doesn’t land on you, it’ll reach out for your legs. Make sure it grabs the stroller instead. The zombie will become tangled up with it, buying you time to escape. This is only effective if your spouse won’t mind losing the stroller and you’re okay carrying your baby for the rest of the apocalypse. If you have strong arms, that’s not a big deal. But I have little upper body strength and a wife who frowns on me losing our personal property, so this method won’t work for me. If you want to kill the zombie and also stay married, you’ll find the solution you need in scenario two.

  TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE STROLLER COMBAT SCENARIO 2

  This time, let’s say you’re pushing an umbrella stroller by yourself. Your baby is safely buckled in the seat. Then a zombie approaches. You need the stroller for battle, but your child is selfishly using it. What should you do? I recommend the tried-and-true tactic known as the baby toss. Setting the baby on the ground won’t get the child far enough away from the combat zone. This is especially true if the child can walk or crawl. As we saw previously, kids are naturally drawn toward anything that can kill them. You have to get the baby far enough away that it will take them at least a few moments to get back. That’s why the baby must be tossed, not set on the ground. It’s science.

  The key word here is “toss,” not “throw.” The goal is a gentle landing with little velocity. Do not throw overhand. Babies are surprisingly un-aerodynamic. You’ll never get the tight spiral you want, and it’ll be a rough landing. Not to mention babies are heavy. A child as young as one can weigh as much as twenty footballs. Even an NFL quarterback would struggle to hit a receiver with that. The best anyone could hope for overhand with a baby would be a shot-put–style toss, which wouldn’t get the job done either. It would start with lots of loft and end with a sudden stop. Expect lots of crying, even if the kid sticks the landing. Babies are never happy.

  Author’s Note: Real babies might not have visible velocity lines. Results may vary.

  A two-handed underhand throw is the way to go. It won’t impress any spectators, but you can regain their respect by totally beating the crap out of the zombie once your kid is in the clear. Take both of your hands and put one firmly on each side of the child’s waist. Pull back a short distance, then toss the child off the sidewalk. Be sure to follow through with your arms. The last thing you want is for your child to fall short and land on the sidewalk with you. Such a weak toss would result in injuries to the child and the forfeiture of your man card. Or woman card. Shame knows no gender lines. Aim for the cleanest landing spot possible. If you and the kid both survive the zombie attack, you’ll have to answer for any stains on the baby’s clothes when you get home.

  With the kid safely out of the way for twenty or thirty seconds, it’s time for the club approach.

  Swinging the Umbrella Stroller Like a Club

  1.Calmly fold up the stroller.

  2.If it’s still not folded up, try a little less calmly.

  3.Seriously, what engineer thought this design was a good idea? Try swearing. That usually helps.

  4.Okay, it’s folded up now. Did the zombie eat you yet? No? Good.

  5.Hold the stroller above your head like a bludgeon.

  6.Utter a memorable sword-based catchphrase, like “By the power of Grayskull!” or “It’s over, Anakin, I have the high ground!” I know a club and a sword are completely different, but the pool of memorable club sayings is disappointingly shallow.

  7.Swing the stroller like a club at the side of the zombie’s head.

  8.Wait for the zombie to fall over.

  9.Retrieve your child. Hopefully they’re still there.

  That last step is critical. You’ll look like an idiot if you topple one zombie only for another zombie to then walk up and eat your kid. The undead seldom fight fair, and they never feel bad about it. They’re the New England Patriots of monsters.

  Be sure to practice these maneuvers in advance. Folding up an umbrella stroller is notoriously tricky even without an approaching zombie. Once the stroller locks in the open position, it’s entirely possible it will never fold up again. That’s my experience, though my wife has never had any problem whatsoever. Apparently, I need to pull or push or perform a voodoo hex. Whatever the last step is, I miss it every single time. I’m positive I’m not the only incompetent parent out there. In short, if you’re an adult with reasonable hand-eye coordination and functioning opposable thumbs, you will be fine folding up the stroller and using it like a blunt force weapon. But if you’re anything like me, you’ll be better off admitting defeat and following the tactics I describe in scenario three.

  TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE STROLLER COMBAT SCENARIO 3

  It’s the same situation as last time. You’re alone with a baby, a stroller, and a zombie. You’ve successfully completed the baby toss. Now for an approach that should work for parents who couldn’t use the methods in the first two scenarios. If you can’t pull off this one, either, maybe child rearing isn’t for you. Consider other pursuits like horticulture or stamp collecting.

  Four-Point Battering Ram Stroller Attack

  1.Grab the still-opened stroller off the ground by both handles.

  2.Point the stroller dire
ctly at the zombie.

  3.Charge forward.

  4.Make contact squarely in the middle of the zombie’s chest.

  5.Watch as the zombie topples backward.

  6.Wipe any zombie guts off the wheels so you don’t leave a trail back to your house.

  This is what umbrella strollers were built for. Moving children was an unintended side effect.

  Using the stroller as a battering ram is safer than employing the rolling shin attack, which could trip the zombie forward, or the swinging club approach, which would knock the zombie to the side. With the zombie on its back, you’ll have extra moments to get away. With any luck, the zombie will be comfortable down there and take a nap. Zombies don’t sleep, but there’s a first time for everything. The zombie also might break its head open on the sidewalk. A concrete slab almost gave me a concussion once. It’s about time artificial rock fought for the good guys.

  A popular variation on this attack is to pick up the stroller and charge forward like before, but aim for a standing zombie’s head rather than its chest. Once you stick its head between the wheels, the zombie will be braced there as it keeps moving forward. You can then use the stroller to steer the zombie in one direction or the other. If there’s a busy street next to you, this could remove the zombie from the picture permanently. Just make sure it’s not a living neighbor having a bad day. I don’t want to be liable for inciting any stroller murders.