Only Dead on the Inside

by James Breakwell

  Leave nails, sharp tools, and open pits everywhere around your house. The pits don’t even need to look like they have a purpose. People expect any home improvement project to destroy your front yard for no discernible reason. For added danger, cover the pits with soggy plywood that will collapse the first time anyone puts weight on it. Insincere attempts at safety that make your property more hazardous are a contractor specialty.

  To maximize the damage potential, lay ladders on the ground next to the pits. It’s impossible to step over those rungs without catching your foot and tripping. Go ahead and try. It can’t be done. Unless you tried it and succeeded, in which case that trap will only stop me. Congratulations, you’re safe from the author of this book. That’s some peace of mind, at least.

  To round out your exterior defenses, make sure your entire yard is a sea of mud. If you had the good fortune to hire a real contractor right before the zombie apocalypse, this will happen automatically. The mere presence of someone from the construction industry will cause all grass to wither and die. Scientists still don’t understand why. Once this happens, your yard will remain a giant mud pool for the rest of time because good luck finding reasonably priced sod in the apocalypse. The muck will trap zombies and reduce the total area you have to mow. I wish I turned my yard into a perpetual construction site years ago. I’m sure my neighbors feel differently.

  SLEEP TIGHT

  The looters and monsters outside your house aren’t your only problem. You also need to fear your own family. That’s always true, especially during the terrible twos, but it will take on a whole new meaning during the zombie apocalypse. Since everyone who dies turns into a zombie, regardless of whether they were bitten, your spouse and kids are all potential undead adversaries. They could die at any moment from anything ranging from whooping cough to boredom. It won’t be easy living with no cell service. Besides, I just told you to make the first floor of your house as dangerous as possible. The odds of it backfiring are incredibly high. In solving the problem of intruders, I created several other, much more serious problems that make the original issue seem harmless by comparison. My work here is done.

  If a family member dies and comes back as a zombie during the day, it won’t be a big deal. No one in your house will go quietly. Kids moan like their lives are over if they have to share their favorite crayon, so there’s no way they’ll secretly turn into zombies without major high-decibel water works. You’ll notice. Trust me. If you find out a family member has died, calmly lock them in a closet or turn them loose to eat the neighbors. I don’t recommend killing any relatives, even if they are zombies. It sets a bad example for your kids. No parent looks fully human first thing in the morning, and you don’t want any misunderstandings.

  If someone dies and comes back as a zombie overnight, however, it could be a disaster. As a parent, you’ve conditioned yourself to sleep through an inordinate amount of noise. Okay, so if you’re a first-time mom or dad, you might still be in the “every noise means my child is dying” phase. But after you pump out a few more kids, you’ll realize children are more durable than you thought. They might cry and scream overnight, but as long as you’re confident they’re still in bed, you can sleep comfortably while ignoring them. It’s a good system, unless you need to listen for the pitter-patter of zombie feet.

  Thankfully, there’s a solution that will let you continue to tune out your children while you sleep: a loft bed. This is different from a bunk bed, which has a bed on the top and a bed on the bottom. A loft bed has a mattress on top and nothing below. In the apocalypse, loft beds won’t just be for small children and poor college students anymore. No one should sleep on the ground unless they’re expendable. By putting yourself up high, you’ll make it harder for a zombie to bite you in the middle of the night. How effective this is depends on how far you are off the ground and the zombie’s height. Tall children stop being fun to brag about when they try to eat you in your sleep.

  To supplement the vertical protection of the loft, add a barrier along the edges with a gate on one end. In a normal bed, this is a handy way to keep children from falling out. In the zombie-proof variant, it turns each loft bed into a cage. Make sure the barrier runs from the loft to the ceiling to give you total protection. Just don’t build these beds until after the world ends. Otherwise you’ll end up on the news with all those people who make their kids sleep in dog kennels. “But it’s to protect them from zombies” won’t win you much sympathy in the twenty-four-hour news cycle.

  If the barrier is strong enough, it will keep zombies out—or, if necessary, in. If the person in the bed dies overnight from natural causes, they’ll be trapped there when they come back as an undead monster. It’s a great plan, although a better one would have been to not let anyone die in the first place. Hindsight is twenty-twenty.

  STAIRWAY TO HELL

  As we’ve seen, the best homes for defense have two stories with the bottom floor in a perpetual state of disarray. Other zombie survival guides tell you to destroy the staircase to the second floor and to use a retractable ladder instead. As usual, that advice is useless for parents. Good luck climbing down narrow rungs in the dark carrying a baby. If humans were truly adapted for child rearing, we’d all have an extra set of arms.

  Instead of tearing out a staircase, defend it with a series of baby gates. They’re hard to get over. A looter will either stop to dismantle each one or trip over them, buying you extra time to make a stand or run away. In the case of zombies, they’ll knock each gate flat and step on it. The gate will slide down the stairs like a surfboard and the zombie will topple down after it. I know this will work because I’ve watched it happen to more than one of my kids. Unless you’re with Child Protective Services, in which case I made up that story. My children are immune to gravity.

  Ladders aren’t completely useless. Acquire rope ones for the second-story windows to use in case of a fire. That way you’ll have another escape option besides jumping straight down and breaking every bone in your feet. Bright flames plus wounded survivors equal a zombie feeding frenzy.

  Of course, even if rope ladders are readily available, kids won’t use them. Following simple instructions has never been their strong suit, especially when their lives are on the line. In the highly likely event your kids either fall or jump out the window, it’s a good idea to have a plan B. There are plenty of things you can put on the ground to stop your kids from dying, despite their best efforts to the contrary.

  Ideal Landing Spots Beneath a Second-Story Window

  Landing Surface

  Pro

  Con

  Trampoline

  You’ll get an amazing second bounce.

  Anyone who sets foot on one breaks at least three bones.

  Mud

  It’s already around your house.

  If you sink too deep, you’ll be stationary zombie bait.

  Water

  Could double as a pool.

  Mosquito breeding ground. Enjoy your malaria.

  Ball Pit

  Landing in it will be the greatest moment of your life.

  You’ll forget what you’re running from and stay there till a zombie catches you.

  Foam blocks

  Used at recreational jump facilities.

  Your baby will try to eat them.

  Pit of Gelatin

  You can eat it, though your baby won’t. (They don’t eat anything they’re supposed to.)

  The buoyancy is different than water. You’ll have the most delicious drowning ever.

  Mattress

  There will be a lot of them available after everybody dies.

  Bedbugs are worse than zombies.

  Haystack

  Works in medieval literature.

  Might land on a needle.

  READY FOR ANYTHING

  All the preparations in this chapter carry a serious social stigma that will stop you from completing them ahead of time in the pre-zombie world. That’s okay. As a parent with a mill
ion things to do, you’re a pro at procrastinating. Flag this part of the book to find it more easily once everyone starts dying. And if your spouse suggests you do chores when the apocalypse could start at any moment, kindly point to this chapter. Cleaning your house is a sure way to kill your family.

  CHAPTER 10

  YOU ARE THE LAW

  In a perfect world, you wouldn’t need to punish your kids. Then again, in a perfect world, zombies wouldn’t be walking around eating everyone. Although if you’re a zombie, that’s pretty much utopia.

  Children will misbehave more, not less, as civilization collapses. They’ll be like bulls in a china shop, but only if the bulls are actually velociraptors and those velociraptors are on meth. It’s up to you to keep them in line before they destroy everything around them. The fate of the world depends on it.

  It’s easy to predict when your kids will act up. It will always be at the worst possible moment. Children don’t put any conscious thought into picking a time. Somehow they just know. It’s like how geese know to fly south every winter. Kids have a behavioral gyroscope in their brains that guides them toward being jerks at exactly the right time for them—and the wrong time for everyone else. Your children don’t necessarily want to die, and they’re not deliberately trying to get you killed in the process. They’re just biologically programmed to act in the heat of the moment without considering the consequences. Ironically, that’s how most of them were conceived in the first place.

  If left unchecked, this behavior will wipe out the human race. Children who are stubborn at an inopportune moment can turn narrow escapes into gory tragedies. They never pass up a chance to make a mess. All that stands between humanity and oblivion are beleaguered parents armed with a limited arsenal of carrots and sticks. I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. In practice, real carrots and sticks are both equally ineffective. Poking a child with a branch only provokes a fit of rage, and no kid has ever stopped a temper tantrum for a vegetable.

  The trick is to curb your children’s behavior without accidentally killing them in the process. It’s not as easy as it sounds. There’s no good way to put kids in timeout while being chased by zombies. If you make your children stand in a corner to think about what they’ve done, you’ll have to slay zombies around them the whole time. That’s a lot to put yourself through just because your kid ate your last candy bar. Punishments must be dealt out sparingly and proportionately to prevent them from backfiring. Your children won’t learn any valuable life lessons if they die. In fact, they’ll come back as zombies, and their behavior will be more incorrigible than ever. The undead never know when to quit.

  CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

  The rules will be different when the world ends. Without functioning governments, there will be no one left to uphold anything. The only regulations will be the ones you put in place and enforce in your own family. Your word will be the law. Enjoy the power trip. You’ve earned it.

  Some good, law-abiding behaviors from more civilized times will get you killed around zombies, while some former felonies will now be necessary for survival. Adjust your expectations for your kids accordingly. Save your overreactions for the right time and make them count. It’s a shame to waste a good tirade.

  Below are some suggestions for classic misbehaviors that should be shrugged off once the world ends. The list applies to adults as well as kids and is by no means comprehensive. Look over it and tweak it as necessary. Make the apocalypse your own.

  Formerly Bad Behaviors That Are Okay in the Zombie Apocalypse

  1.Name calling: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words won’t turn you into a shambling corpse for the rest of eternity.

  2.Swearing: If the end of the world isn’t the right time to swear, then there is no such time.

  3.Gluttony: Your kids should eat everything they can get their hands on before it goes bad. If they eat sixteen boxes of Girl Scout cookies, they aren’t pigs; they’re fighters with an insatiable will to live.

  4.Lying: Telling the truth to other groups of survivors is a sure way to get your home looted and your family murdered. Train your kids to lie like it’s their job. It’s an honest day’s work.

  5.Stealing from strangers: Tell your kids to always help other people. Unless those people aren’t in your family. Then your kids should take everything those people have and never look back.

  6.Arson: Burning down other houses has a strategic value. It limits zombie hiding spots and clears the field of view to watch for approaching threats. Also, it’s fun and dangerous, which is every kid’s dream.

  7.Murder: When everything is out to kill your family, it’s hard to get upset if your kids kill back.

  Not all transgressions by your children or even other adults should be overlooked. There are some offenses that were minor in the days of law and order that will be major crimes in the time of zombies. Tell your kids about these changes up front so they can’t claim they were unaware. The last thing you want is for them to get off on a technicality. And remember, all these rules also apply to you. The only thing worse than a zombie is a hypocrite.

  Formerly Minor Misdeeds That Will Be Major Offenses in the Zombie Apocalypse

  1.Dawdling:Going slowly when every second counts could get everyone killed. Plus it’s annoying. Expect your kids to do it every chance they get.

  2.Not finishing their food: You’ve worked too hard to keep them alive. Don’t let them voluntarily starve to death. It’s rude.

  3.Being loud: Noise attracts zombies. Your kids don’t have to be silent, but maybe they can hold off on the falcon mating calls for a while.

  4.Adultery: This one was always a big deal; it just wasn’t illegal before. But if you think divorces are messy in the normal world, wait until your spouse is armed at all times to fight zombies. Set a good example for your kids by not giving your other half an excuse to murder you.

  5.Cannibalism: Full disclosure, this has always been bad.But if you were in a plane crash and stranded on a frozen mountaintop, no one would fault you if you ate a few people to survive. In the zombie apocalypse, however, that’s a big no-no. It’s an act of treason against the human race to imitate your zombie enemies and eat your fellow humans. If you’re going to eat people, you might as well turn undead so you’ll have some dinner companions.

  6.Throwing a temper tantrum: This is the worst possible crime of the zombie apocalypse. And in a world where it won’t be unheard of to kill someone over toilet paper, that’s really saying something. A full-blown temper tantrum with the requisite flop on the floor and blood-curdling screams will slow a family’s forward progress to a crawl. They’ll either have to drag the kid kicking and screaming or stay put until the fit ends, which could last anywhere from a few minutes to the rest of the child’s life. If zombies show up, those two time increments will be one and the same.

  Punishing bad behaviors and rewarding good ones will take careful balancing. Being too lenient could get your whole family killed, but so could being too strict. Death lurks behind every wrong decision. At least for once in your life there won’t be any ambiguity. It will be very clear when you mess up. Look for the blood splatter.

  TIME OF YOUR LIFE

  Children can act like monsters even when they’re still human. The go-to method to keep an out-of-control child in check has long been the timeout. Everyone does it, but no one agrees on why. Some say it’s to give children time to calm down, while others insist it’s to let parents cool off before they abandon their kids in the forest without any breadcrumbs. Both are plausible in the pre-zombie era. But in the apocalypse, the main goal of a timeout will be to get your children to shut up for a few minutes before they attract every zombie in the zip code. That range isn’t an exaggeration. The shrill cry of children is the only sound that can penetrate the vacuum of space.

  As their name suggests, the downside of timeouts is they require time. Every second you spend outside your home is potentially deadly. It’s not a great time to stop and teach a
life lesson. If you can’t do a timeout at the moment your children cross the line, do it later. This happens all the time in the pre-zombie world. Parents let misbehavior slide in church or in a crowded store only to come down on their kids later with the wrath of an angry god—assuming an angry god lashes out by making wrongdoers stand in a corner and reflect on what they’ve done. For parents, the goal of this delay is to avoid causing a scene in public. In normal times, those disturbances draw every curious eyeball in the area. In the apocalypse, they’ll draw every hungry mouth, too.

  Your kids won’t remember what’s at stake. In fact, they won’t remember anything. By the time you get home from running errands out on the undead hellscape, your children will have long since forgotten whatever they did wrong. Kids have selective memories, a pathological condition that often lasts a lifetime. If you tell your children to sit in a corner and think about what they’ve done, they’ll simply dwell on the injustice of being punished for a crime they don’t even remember committing. They’ll view themselves as self-righteous martyrs and you as an evil and oppressive tyrant. Good work. It’s better to be feared than loved.

  If a timeout absolutely can’t wait when you’re on a supply run, be prepared for the worst. Discipline is perilous outside your home. It’s hard enough to keep kids quiet and stationary in an environment with no distractions, let alone one filled with walking corpses trying to eat them. Your kids will only stay in one place if they’re more afraid of you than they are of the zombies. Depending on your parenting style, that could be hard to pull off. On the grand scale of terrifying things, having your flesh ripped from your bones ranks a tad higher than being asked to stand still for some quiet soul-searching.