by Lara Frater
“Are you sure?” he asked. He smiled. The first time since I met him. “Your face scrunched up when you said that.”
“She is new and I don’t know—“ My voice trailed off. I thought of the long winter and wondered I could cope.
“Why doesn’t Mike take over? Tanya’s cool and all—and a bit scary but Mike’s older.”
“We are only his extended family. Hannah and his kids come first. For Tanya, we all come first. It isn’t perfect, Keith, no family is—“ I paused, realizing that family shouldn’t keep secrets from each other.
“What?”
“We have to tell Tanya about you and the hunters.” Despite being angry at Tanya for not stopping, I knew I couldn’t keep lying to her.
Keith lost his smile and became the scared cat again. “I wish I never told you.”
“It’s too late. You did. I think you wanted someone to know. I have to tell Tanya, Keith—I’m sorry. She won’t be angry except that we didn’t tell her right way.”
We met in Tanya’s room. Since Grace had the bridge and Dave was in the salon, the crew quarters area were empty and we could have privacy. Still we kept our voices down. She was silent for a long time after we told her. Keith did most of the talking. I added small details and that I was sorry for not telling her sooner.
She didn’t look happy. Possibly because this was another burden she didn’t want or she was mad at me for not telling her right away, or both.
“Keith,” she finally said, her voice steady, no hint of anger but I knew she was. “You seem like a good kid and this ain’t your fault. My issue is the rest of my people. I don’t like them in danger. You understand? And I don’t like keeping secrets—“
“Tanya, we can’t toss him out.” She gave me an annoyed look for interrupting her, so I didn’t say anything else.
“Didn’t say that. You want to stay, Keith, you gotta be careful. You needs a new identity ‘cluding a new past. That means everything, parents names, age, where you from--”
“I appreciate this,” his voice low and shaky. “But maybe I should go in the spring.” I knew Keith was terrified. We couldn’t let him go out on his own.
“I ain’t gonna stop you from going but I don’t want you to think we drove you out. You can stay but there are rules. Ain’t no facebook or internet to check you out. Easy to hide your identity now. Make up a story and stick to it. You make sure you memorize your new life. You don’t slip up. You don’t come with us when we look for Aisha. Beside I don’t like innocent people getting’ killed. Kind of pisses me off.”
Keith didn’t say anything.
“You got it, Keith. You always careful. Don’t fuck up. If you fuck up, the hunters will be the least of your problems.”
“Okay.”
“Just so you know, your special status means you gotta do those universal precautions.” She said sounding out the words. “You can’t have sex. I won’t even recommend it with a condom. Rachel passed it no problem. Right now only us three will know. I trust my people and I hate keeping secrets from them, but the more people know the more of a chance it gets out. Got it?”
Keith didn’t say anything. He looked at me then back to Tanya.
“Got it, Keith? I ain’t playing.”
“I got it,” he said, his voice just above a whisper.
“Another thing, someone figures you’re a carrier and they hurt my people, it’s their fault. You do something to hurt my crew, open your mouth and the wrong person finds out, it’s your fault,” she looked at me. “Same thing for you, Annemarie. Open your mouth, there will be consequences.”
I didn’t ask what those consequences would be.
On Christmas Eve the air had turned ice cold but stayed dry, no white Christmas. We stuck to our rationed heat and bathing water. It hadn’t rained enough for washing and showers got cut to two a week for two minutes. The ship began to stink of body odor but after a while I got used to the smell.
Christmas Eve came with no fanfare, no parties, no music, no services. On Christmas Eve after dinner of spam, rice, and beans, Dave, Jim and I sat at the table reminiscing about Abe. It hadn’t been planned but it was anniversary of his death and we all wondered if things would have been different if Abe was still alive.
Tanya got up and left when Abe’s name came up. Mike left claiming the kids wanted to play monopoly.
Dave and I were the only ones still around from the first group at Costking. Everyone but Ashley had died and I strongly suspected Ashley never made it out to California, though I hoped she did.
Dave made Abe a martyr. I had mixed feelings. He wasn’t perfect. He saved Mindy, but he made that rule about the old folks that I hated. It wasn’t like we could do anything in case of life threatening diseases except to let them die with some peace.
“I never knew why he did it,” Jim said. He had a hot cocoa in front of him. I also had cocoa. Both Jim and I had a shot of brandy in it, but Dave refused. I had never seen him drink which was weird because I could see him as the beer kind of guy. Instead he drank black coffee. I had two snorts before putting some more in the cocoa. Getting drunk was my plan for the evening. Second Christmas without parents or boyfriend.
“He couldn’t deal,” Dave said. “It was too much of a burden. We should have tried to lift it from him.”
No one could deal. What made Abe so special?
I heard someone coming from downstairs and saw that it was Grace. She looked dressed to go out.
“Hi, Grace,” I said. She looked at me like I slapped her in the face.
“Do you want a snort,” I said, showing her the bottle of brandy. She didn’t take Xanax or Vicodin anymore but still had a nippy bottle for her watches. “We were talking about Abe.”
“Why?” she said, giving us the amused face.
“What’s the matter, you didn’t want to reminisce?” I almost slurred my words. I took a big gulp of cocoa allowing it and the brandy to warm me.
“Who would?” She began to put on her boots.
“Come on, he kept us together—“
She looked peeved I was forcing her to converse with me. I must have been buzzed. “He was a bad leader.”
“Come on. This family unit, these decisions how to survive. All Abe’s ideas. We’re all alive because of him.”
Grace looked at Jim. “All your ideas, except for the age limit and the twenty person cut off.
Abe was a bad person and selfish.”
“Sounds like you,” Dave said.
“I wasn’t your leader. I could be bad and selfish.”
Before Grace rarely talked to us, now she at least tried. This is the first time I saw her angry.
“Abe had issues, but he did the best he could,” Jim said, forever trying to make peace. She was right at least. A lot of the ideas Abe used came from Jim. In the beginning we didn’t really organize or ration. “I understand wanting to kill yourself. This is a hard world.”
“Yes, it is but you don’t become a leader unless you can deal with it.”
“Rachel committed suicide,” I said.
“We’re not taking about Rachel,” she said, now her anger was on me. “We’re talking about Abe.”
“I didn’t see you running to save him. You were the last person who saw him alive, you cow,” Dave said and I knew he didn’t take a drink.
Grace wasn’t insulted by what she said. In fact she looked amused. She saw Abe jump off the roof.
“Were you there to see me, David?” she said. This might be the first time she spoke to Dave directly. He didn’t respond.
“In case you were all wondering. I did not get the chance to stop him. He smiled and waved at me which was unusual. I thought he was drunk. He walked to the edge and dove off. I ran when I saw him but not fast enough. So please do not tell me what I did or did not do.”
I didn’t say anything neither did Jim or Dave. I never knew what exactly had happened on the roof. Grace had never been one to chat.
She went to the coat rack
. Her slender figure would fit any coat, so Jim got her a pretty one but probably not designer enough. She didn’t complain. She slipped on her coat, put on her Hermes scarf and opened the door to let the icy wind in.
I took another shot. I wasn’t done drinking but was done talking about Abe.
“Annie, wake up,” Henry’s voice beckoned me from a happy world where everyone was still alive, my parents, my boyfriend, even Mindy was there. We celebrated Christmas around the tree, each grateful for being alive.
“Let me sleep unless there is a plague of zombs—“ I had a headache from too many snorts.
“Annie, it’s snowing, just a bit. Thought you would want to see. It might be a white Christmas after all.”
I didn’t care. I turned over and saw the big fluffy flakes in the window. For a moment I felt sentimental. I got out of bed and ignored my headache. I was already dressed in thermals. I took off my flannel nightgown and added jeans, a tee and a sweater. Henry left to allow me room to dress.
I headed to the salon. Jim was already there getting on boots.
“Not even sticking,” he said.
I put on my boots and coat. I saw a few people outside on the deck watching.
The air wasn’t as cold as yesterday but I was glad for the coat. I didn’t even check what time it was but it looked as if it was a little bit after dawn. It was lovely out. The air was crisp. The snowflakes hit my hair.
Mike had his arms around Hannah. Brie was moving about the deck, giggling trying to catch snowflakes with her mouth.
I went to the bow, passed Mike and Hannah and walked to the very edge.
“Careful, Annemarie,” Mike said, but his tone wasn’t serious. “It’s slippery.”
I stopped where I was and looked into the water, watch some of the snow stick to it and then melt.
For a moment I thought that maybe we weren’t going to die. I stood there for a long time until the flurries stopped and I was chilled to the bone. When I turned around, everyone else had gone inside and now Henry was on the bridge. He waved and I returned one. I walked carefully but slipped, only slightly on the deck.
I walked back into the salon relishing the warm air. Mike was reheating dinner as breakfast. Same shit, different day. Tanya was perched in her usual spot.
“Merry Christmas, Annemarie,” he said, putting the food on the table. “Tanya.”
Tanya hunched her shoulders.
“You too,” I said, but didn’t mean it.
Mike walked back to the pantry and came back with a box. I knew from the green and red design outside it was some kind of Christmas item. When he placed it on the table, I saw it was candy canes.
“Only 12, someone has to share.”
“I don’t want one.” Tanya said as she dug into her food.
I took one and stared at the red and white striped candy. It wasn’t crisp like a new candy cane but chewy and stale. I ate it anyway enjoying the peppermint flavor. Christmas had become any other day. I was never religious before other than Easter and Christmas dinner with my family or occasionally my boyfriend’s family. I believed in god but that was fading.
His name was Mark and he went Hofstra Law School. We planned to marry as soon as we finished, although he hadn’t given me a ring. We lived together in an off campus student apartment, had an indoor/outdoor cat named Sprinkles who disappeared when everything went to shit. I hoped he ran away because of the zombies and didn’t get killed.
Mark died of the flu. He didn’t come back. I nursed him for two days despite the fact that I knew if I got it I would die. I never did. Mark choked then stopped breathing. I tried to give him mouth to mouth but he went so fast. I called 911, the dispatcher took my information, but no one ever came. I called funeral homes but no one answered. I wrapped him up in a sheet and as far as I knew, he was still where I left him. I waited for Sprinkles but he never came back. I thought about going to my parents but instead decided to go to Costking to get supplies. I meet up with Abe, Mindy and Dave who convinced me my best chance was the stay at Costking.
For three years Mark and I were inseparable. I went to sleep at night next to his warm body. He woke me up with kisses before he left for work, interning at a Manhattan law firm. I worked part time in Hofstra’s theater so I could go to school full time. My parents were eager for an announcement. They didn’t like us living together, but never mentioned it. Mark and I knew we would get married, and we talked about getting the rings the day after his graduation. I still lived off my parents a little, and student loans. Mark wanted us to be more financially stable.
We fought on one thing. He wanted me to lose weight. I got my build from my dad. I gained my freshmen 15 but lost it the following year when I had to walk from one side of the campus to another for a class. I always tried to eat healthy and exercise. My weight stayed the same.
I had trouble getting work and Mark thought it I were thinner I’d have more opportunities. I often wondered if it was because I was too fat for us to be an attractive power couple. He always said he was worried about my health even though he knew I ate healthy and exercised as we often used the school’s rec center together. He probably thought I was secretly eating.
I ignored him when he bothered me about my weight which wasn’t often. We were in love and had our entire life planned out. Now I had no future, no husband, no career, I had nothing. A strange man I barely knew warming my bed, and loneliness beyond despair.
“Hey Annemarie,” Jim said. “You okay?”
“Just thinking about my parents.”
“I’m sure they’re okay.”
“You’re a great liar Jim, but thank you.”
I knew at their house they got the flu, drove to the hospital and died. Nice and neat like always. They liked a comfortable and predicable life. I thought about my sister. The one who rebelled, moved to Tennessee to sing, and waited tables between auditions. I will probably never find out if she was alive but if anyone could survive on spunk, she could.
Tanya had the radio on. Every Friday morning, Bob Bam did a radio show contacting us and other ham radio operators. Christmas was no exception. Bob talked to operators in Ohio, Vermont, New Jersey, and Nebraska. He had taken over a Suffolk radio station frequency and broadcasted on FM as well. Because he had limited power from a generator, he only broadcasted every Friday at 9am for 30 minutes.
“Hello, this is Bob Bam on the Ham on Suffolk county’s greatest hits, WBAM. First things first, we got connections corner. New listeners, these are people we connect to other love ones. We give them a frequency and we play nice and don’t listen in.” A few times a week read off two or three names. He had all of our names but no messages ever came for us.
There were no ham operators in Tennessee and despite that Bob had said my name once a month, my sister never contacted me. Not everyone had a radio. We are the only one besides Bob Bam in this area.
I only half paid attention to the names until Bob read off a familiar one.
“James McIntyre—“
Jim looked up. His eyes widened as Bob read the frequency. Tanya switched to it and handed Jim the mike.
“Hello,” he said, his voice hesitant.
“Jimmy?” said a male voice, older. A lot of static filled the radio, Jim stood up, his eyes so wide I thought they would pop out. Even with the static it looked like he recognized the voice.
“Dad?” he croaked out.
“Do you want us to leave?” Tanya asked.
Jim waved her away and sat.
I heard his father start to cry like a little girl. Jim seemed teary eyed but stoic.
“My boy, oh god, it’s so great to hear your voice. Are you okay, is everything okay? Is Cameron okay?”
“Cameron’s dead, dad—Mom? Lori? Mary? Eleanor.”
“Mom, Eleanor and Lori are gone, son. I spoke to Lori, both she and Scott had the flu. Eleanor and Mom died here. I don’t know about Mary. She didn’t have the flu the last time I spoke to her. But—living in the city—“ his vo
ice trailed off.
Jim looked almost emotionless as he absorbed this information.
“I’m so sorry, Jimmy, for everything. I should have loved you unconditionally. I thought about that every day when I was alone. I wished, prayed, I could tell you how sorry I was and how I love you. Please, can you forgive me?”
Jim nodded which his father couldn’t see. His green eyes were wide and teary. “Yes, I forgive you, dad and I love you.”
“Are you safe?”
“As safe as I can be. I’m among good friends.”
“I’m glad.”
“What about you, dad? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I live in a house with other people, including a gay woman. She makes me think of you. Listen, Jimmy, the operator won’t let me stay on much longer. He has to do regular reports.”
The room remained quiet during the conversation. I didn’t say anything because I was jealous. I shouldn’t be. Jim lost his great love, now his mother and sisters. I lost everyone. Every single person that I loved was dead.
Jim and his dad promised to talk once a week and then disconnected. Mike changed the frequency back to Bob. Tanya touched Jim’s shoulder and smiled. He smiled back, left the room, probably to share the news with Eric or to be alone.
I decided to go back to bed. Since Henry was on watch, I wanted to enjoy having the bed to myself. I placed the blanket over my head and gave myself a little hole to breath. It was cold, but not freezing. I tried to enjoy the warmth of the blanket. I closed my eyes and ignored the slight motion of the ship. I tried to pretend I was home. My last Christmas with Mark, I was snuggling under the covers and he brought us two cups of cocoa. Not diet, or sugar free, but hot cocoa made with full milk, marshmallows and whipped cream. We had dinner with his parents the night before and he was happy they liked me. Today we would be going to my parents. Despite their issues with us shacking up, they loved Mark. Mom told me I picked a great guy and that I should always make him happy. My mom would then end the night with how I should diet. My sister meanwhile always needed money but she had my grandfather’s genes and was a bean pole. She could never do wrong with a figure like that. I tried not to get jealous of her.
