Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  Mr. Longo looks up from his paper and his gaze follows me like he knows it’s me driving. I watch as he smiles at his wife and then turns back to his paper. I never understood how people could stay with the same person for so many years until I met Mia. I would spend forever with her if I could. I could breathe her in every day. But I fucked that up just like I always do.

  “Daddy,” Madison’s sweet voice greets me when I walk into Nate and Katherine’s house. My kids’ grandparents have only been home from Florida for a few weeks and begged for time with the kids. Since Luke and Maddie were cared for, I took care of business back home. Well, what I used to consider my home. It was just a house until she made it a home. I didn’t plan on ever going back. I knew that I might run into her just like I did. Who am I fucking kidding? I didn’t run into her, I stalked her.

  From a distance I watched her on her birthday as she left Maple’s Restaurant and walked all the way home. I don’t know why she wasn’t at work that day. I thought maybe she was sick because she looked so heartbroken, so dejected, but she would’ve been home in bed, not wandering the streets alone. I wanted to call to her. I wanted to touch her.

  I followed her the rest of the day. I saw Pete pull up to her house and watched them emerge a short time later. I followed them to the bar and waited until I knew they’d be in. I just had to be in the same room as her. She looked so beautiful even though I could see a hint of sadness mixed in her smile. I followed her gaze to the tatted drummer who was practically fucking some chick at the bar. I saw Pete talking to her and then leave to get her a drink. I watched her look around the bar like she felt me. That’s the way it always was with us; we could feel each other. God, I miss her. I miss looking at her face. I miss kissing her lips. I miss holding her hand. I miss the scent at the nape of her neck. I miss her body welcoming me deeply into her.

  “What’s the matter, son?” Nate asks me as Maddie and Luke throw a Frisbee to Dewey, the black lab puppy that I promised to buy for them. I can’t even describe the looks on my children’s faces when I said that we were leaving without so much as an explanation. I wish I could scrub the image from my mind. The tantrum that Maddie threw was one for the record books. My heart broke when she screamed and cried for Mia before she vomited all over herself. I gripped her little body, pulled her close and cried with her. In that moment, when she finally looked at me, I could see it reflected in her eyes; my daughter hated me. I know how she felt because I hated myself. Luke promised that they wouldn’t fight anymore, saying that they’d be good. They thought it was their fault that we were leaving. He reminded me of a younger version of me. I knew it would be hard for me to leave. I never considered how hard it would be for my kids.

  “I saw her.” I catch his stare and his lips tighten in a hard line.

  “Really. What did she say?” His concern is genuine.

  “Nothing. I didn’t talk to her; I saw her and I left. Again.”

  “Son, I know you love that girl and I don’t understand your reasons for leaving her, but give it some time.”

  I know that he doesn’t understand why I chose to leave. Why I had to leave. No one would understand. No one knows about the guilt I carry.

  The puppy runs over to me, its long black tail swishing back and forth, asking to play fetch with the tennis ball that he has in his mouth. I pick up the ball and throw it far into the backyard and watch him run after it. His short legs don’t match his big paws and he falls and rolls over. I think of Brady and smile, wondering how he’s doing. If I know that dog, he’s taking good care of Mia.

  “Adam, I didn’t know you were here already.” Katherine pats my arm and kisses my cheek. “It’s so good to see you smiling.”

  I kiss her wrinkly, pale cheek and smile again at her. Johanna was the spitting image of her mother. There is no doubt that Madison will be the same.

  “Nate said you saw Mia. How is she?” I don’t want to answer her so I just shrug. How is she? She looked good, almost happy. Her hair is longer and she has a sun-kissed glow about her. God, she really is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Hey, Dad, watch this!” Luke makes Dewey sit and raise his paw for a treat. “He’s just like Brady, right, Dad?” We may not ever see Mia or Brady again, but that doesn’t stop my kids from talking about them all the time. If I didn’t know better I’d swear that God is using my kids to punish me.

  ***

  FIVE DAYS LATER, we board an American Airlines flight bound for California. The trip taking us back to my father’s is almost seven hours long; I need to put some serious distance from coast to coast.

  I SPEND THE day traveling with Luis and his youth group to a small missions church in rural Mexico; the village barely has running water and electricity. The ancient looking, rusty church van is incredibly hot because the air conditioner is broken and donations to the church have been low. I roll the window down to get some fresh air which doesn’t really help because the summer sun beats down, making the sweltering temperatures rise to nearly 100 degrees at midday.

  When we finally reach the church, we are greeted by another pastor and his very pregnant wife. I would hate to be hugely pregnant in the summer months. With broken accents, introductions are made and a sweet blonde girl smiles at me. Danielle, a young American, and I sit together to eat our modest lunch which consists of rice and beans and lukewarm tap water. I have a funny feeling that I’m going to be eating this for every meal.

  I learn that Danielle is a freshman at a small Christian college who’s been going on mission trips like these every summer since she was twelve. This year her boyfriend was supposed to join her, but he broke up with her right before the trip. Boys. They’re such jerks-no matter what age!

  We’ve become rather friendly, talking about all things from the latest reality show to pop music. I don’t really have anything to contribute to our conversations so I just listen. She asks whether there’s a significant other to which I answer no. I want to tell her the truth that Adam is significant and always will be, but it doesn’t matter because it’s not reciprocal. What’s the point in wanting someone if they don’t want you back?

  Each night we sing to the children and help rebuild their homes with uneven pieces of plywood and remnants of roofing shingles. I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back the tears in my eyes when I see a mother return from the hospital without her child in tow. The lack of medical care and attention proved to be too much and her baby suffered the consequence. It seems like death, destruction and loss are all around me. It’s a sad and desolate place to live.

  As Danielle prepares to leave, we sit under the stars and listen to the locals laugh and sing along to the lively ranchera music before exhaustion and a stomach ache send me to bed early. As I lie on my cot, my eyes start to close. It’s so peaceful. It’s easy to forget that there’s a great big world outside of this poor village.

  Early the next morning, I hug Danielle goodbye and wish her well. Luis’ offer to drive her back across the border into Texas where she’ll board a plane for Tennessee was taken without hesitation. I smirk and give him a curious eye when he takes her bags and leads her by the hand, ushering her into the van. All week long, I watched him smile and go out of his way to talk to her or help her. As they pulled away, she leaned out the window and her blue eyes caught mine, her smile as bright as the sun. Something tells me Danielle will be back sooner than later.

  I didn’t plan on staying much longer, but there’s so much work to do. Brady is with Josh, and I have nowhere to be so this is the place I will call home for a few days.

  The pastor, his wife and I make the hour long trip to get more supplies from a bigger missions church. The smell of gasoline fumes circulating through the van gives me nausea and makes me gasp for fresh air. Five or six orphaned children run up to us hoping that we’ve brought them candy or some other treat like most visitors do.

  “Mama, mama,” a hopeful voice calls to us, seeking a familiar face, not candy. “Maria Elena!�
�� A plump woman with long black hair and caramel skin runs after the child who is dirty and wears a tattered dress. The child is swooped up into her arms and hauled back toward the building.

  I shoot the pastor and his wife a questioning look. “She is new. She’s looking for her mother who will not return. Her mother cannot care for her no more. The streets are not for children.” I understand exactly what he says even through his heavy, distinct accent.

  The children run and play without a care in the world except for Maria Elena who sits alone on the steps, waiting. My heart aches for this child. She reminds me of one of those children you see on late night infomercials asking you to save a child’s life by donating twenty dollars a month. If I could save all these children, I would.

  I walk slowly over and sit down next to her while the few workers load up the van. She looks so sad. “Hola,” I say. She doesn’t say hello back, instead she starts rambling in Spanish and I could barely make out the words about waiting for her mother. The two years of high school Spanish finally comes in handy.

  “Mama?” Her round brown eyes filled with sadness glance at me.

  I shake my head as I lie to her. Explaining to a child that I lost a baby isn’t something I’d ever do. “No, no mama.”

  “Si, mama.” She counters, her eyes drop to my stomach. “Bebe.” Her dirty little finger points to where her eyes have landed.

  I stare at this tiny little girl and wonder how she managed to figure out what so many others have failed to notice. “Okay,” I concede, swallowing hard and finally admitting the truth. “Si, soy mama.” My hand sweeps across my lower abdomen, rubbing back and forth gently. I don’t know how much longer I thought I could ignore the baby growing in my belly. “Tengo bebe.”

  I’m not sure what I was thinking. After all, the mind is a powerful thing.

  Adam

  SHE’S HERE; I can feel her.

  The evening sunlight filters into the room through the massive windows that overlook the ocean. I hear a voice singing softly as I step into the otherwise quiet room. I see her profile as she rocks gently back and forth in the wooden chair while she looks out at the waves crashing against the shore. She doesn’t see me.

  Her long, flowing, white nightgown is lowered at one side, exposing her supple breast. Her nipple is taut and hard. I watch as she casts her eyes downward and smiles, looking at the dark haired infant in her arms. The baby opens her mouth, nuzzling closely and takes the nourishment that flows. She is so fucking beautiful. I can’t believe she’s mine.

  A loud slamming of a door jostles me. I look back to the corner and she’s gone. My Mia is gone.

  ***

  MY FATHER AND his girlfriend, Monica, invite Maddie and Luke along with her eleven year old granddaughter, Kaylee, to Disney Land for the day. I hate that I let them go; I should be the one taking them, but I’ve been a sorry sack of shit the past few weeks, moping around not really doing much of anything. I wish I could say I’ve at least been a good dad to my kids, but that would be a lie.

  Try as hard as I might, I can’t stop thinking about her. Everywhere I go, she’s fucking there. It feels so damn real; I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t just miss her body; I miss her. All of her.

  ***

  LEO CALLS EIGHT days later to tell me that one of our projects isn’t going as well as he wanted so he needs me to fly back East. Since I know Mia is gone usually for the whole summer, I don’t worry about running into her. I know myself; I know what I would do.

  I make arrangements to fly there early next week and call the realtor to let her know that I’ll be in town; I need to pick up any mail that I might have at the house.

  After bumping into people who shove their oversized luggage in the overhead bin, we make our way to the back of the plane and sit. I couldn’t leave my children again. Maddie cried hysterically last time and asked if I was coming back. I won’t leave my kids ever again. Nate and Katherine are happy to have the kids for a few days and I’ll just be an hour away from them.

  ***

  THE HOUSE IS dark and lonely but clean. I’ve asked the realtor to hire a cleaning company to maintain the house and the yard while it’s on the market. She couldn’t believe that I refused the offers that have been made, but I wasn’t looking to get rid of this place just yet.

  The smell of disinfectants permeates the house; its familiar scent is gone. I walk slowly to my office at the far end of the house and sit on the Chesterfield couch. It’s the couch I made love to Mia on for the last time. I raise my legs and stretch out, remembering what it felt like to have her beneath me.

  My eyes close as I remember that afternoon. I couldn’t help myself. As selfish as that may have been, I needed her. The way she fisted my hair and pulled my lips to hers as my hands found their way across her ass and then to her shirt covering her breasts. I didn’t even think about whether she was wet and ready for me. I fucking needed to be in her right then. She wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me closer so my cock could give her what she wanted. I could feel her shudder and tighten around me when she came. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I needed to slow things down; I wanted it to last forever, but I knew that I wouldn’t have much longer with her. I was about to break her heart to save her from the pain I would eventually cause. I thrust in deeply and came hard. I didn’t smile at her. I didn’t speak to her; I wanted her to see me for the bastard that I was so that hate would overrule love. I needed her to hate me.

  I believe I have succeeded.

  Back in the kitchen, I thumb through the hefty stack of mail, sorting it as I go. The new phone bill is sent to my father’s house as is all of my business mail. What I have here in front of me is mostly junk mail so after rifling through it for a while, I give up and throw the whole damn pile in the garbage. None of it is important; none of it matters.

  I shower quickly and meet Leo at his office and discuss the problems with the property. It’s a pretty quick and easy solution. I find myself annoyed because I didn’t really need to come back; if he had been smarter, he could’ve figured this shit out on his own.

  The rental car is similar to the one I rented last time. The Longos are outside again, weeding the garden together. I want so much to stop and ask about Mia, but I would just be torturing myself and knowing Mrs. Longo, she’d want to cut my dick off with a pair of garden shears. I can’t say I blame her.

  A silver Mercedes passes me and I’m thankful that my windows are tinted. I don’t need to see Gina or talk to her. I’m done with that family for good.

  Before I leave to pick up the kids, I stop by the house to lock it back up and ask Lauren to meet me there. Within a short time she arrives. Her red hair is pulled back away from her face. Her cheeks are smeared with color and her lipstick too bright. I don’t know how she thinks she looks good with all that shit on her face. Even with her expensive suit, she looks like a cheap hooker.

  She reluctantly agrees to accept the next offer on the house after I tell her that I will not be returning. I’ve had my eye on a few houses on the beach in California, close to where my father lives. I extend my hand to thank her but am suddenly hauled into a tight hug as she kisses my lips quickly. I tense and pull away, ending the awkward moment. What the fuck?

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” She stutters. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Damn straight, you shouldn’t have done that.

  “You just look so sad.” Her cheeks flame with embarrassment at either her observation or my rejection. “I thought maybe I could help you feel better.”

  “I’m fine.” I lie. She doesn’t know me and nothing about her would ever make me feel better. Only one woman could do that.

  I escort her out the door and watch as she backs down the driveway toward the town.

  I spend the next few hours alone just thinking about Mia. I see her in every room. I feel her in every room.

  The sun has set for the night and I decide to leave for good. At the traffic light as
I wait for the light to turn green, I turn on the radio. I listen as a guy sings about letting her go. “I have,” I answer him. “I have let her go.”

  A dark Jeep passes by on the other side of the highway. I strain my eyes, but I can’t see the driver. I want to punch myself for thinking that every Jeep I see might be her. God, I’m such a pussy.

  AS I SHUT off the engine, I sit quietly for a minute and wonder why I torture myself by driving 1,900 miles every summer. I scratch the scruff under Brady’s chin to the top of his head and think that it would be much easier to hop on a plane and put him in the cargo hold with all the other dogs. That would save me lots of money and the additional 1,900 miles of driving on the way home.

  After calling my brother to let him know that I’ve arrived home safely, the argument that we had is still on my mind. While I completely understood his point of not wanting his “baby sister” to drive half way across the country alone and pregnant, I am a big girl. When I finally stopped denying what I’d known all along, I came back from Mexico and confided in Josh and Araceli that I was in fact almost eleven weeks along. The look on his face was deadly as he threatened to kill Adam for getting me pregnant and then leaving. Araceli cried and blessed me a thousand times in Spanish while I just sat there rolling my eyes. I wasn’t mad or sad; I didn’t really feel anything at all. Adam may have left, but he gave me a piece of him forever although I don’t think that was ever part of the plan.

  Josh tried in vain to convince me that I should stay in Texas where I had a family who loved and supported me. I had planned on staying in Mexico to continue the work at the missions church, but those conditions weren’t exactly conducive to pregnancy and besides, Shelby and Pete would kill me if they couldn’t experience this with me.