Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  “You stickin’ around?” she asks.

  My answer is brief as I shake my head quickly, uttering the word ‘no.’

  “I hope you have the decency to stay away from her while you’re here. She’s in a good place now.”

  I hand over my debit card as she eyeballs me. “And to think I thought you was a good man. Damn fool.”

  “Take care, Miss Angie,” I say before I put my card away and push the carriage to load the three bags in the trunk.

  The drive back to my house is quiet. I couldn’t stand listening to anymore sappy, fucking love songs about leaving the one you love. I had to do everything in my power not to throw the damn CD out the window.

  I stand at the front window of the house overlooking the yard while eating a modest peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The sign at the edge of the lawn has been changed to “Sale Pending” recently and it makes me a little sad. When I decided to move here, it was supposed to be a fresh start for all of us. My kids needed a new home, a place to make new memories. The home they shared with their mother had been tainted by her illness and subsequent death. I’ll never erase the image of her hanging there, choosing death over life. Choosing herself over our children. I walk back into the kitchen and discard the half eaten sandwich. I’ve lost my appetite.

  There’s a knock on the back door. The realtor is punctual; I’m sure she can’t wait for the commission on this place. When I look up, it’s not flaming red hair that I see. It’s Mike in his blue uniform and he looks beat down.

  I unlock and slide the door open and for the first time in a long time, I smile without really having to try. “Dude! What’s up?” I grasp his extended hand and lean into his shoulder.

  “Good to see you, man. How’ve you been?” His big hand pounds my back.

  My shoulders involuntarily shrug. “I’m okay.”

  Mike looks at me curiously as he follows me into the house.

  “The real question is ‘how are you?’ How are Shelby and the baby?”

  “Incredible. Exhausting. Terrifying. All at the same time.” He laughs. “All that boy does is eat, shit and scream. He’s not happy unless he’s on the tit.”

  “Sounds like he takes after his old man then.” I laugh. “It’s all good. I never had that chance with my kids. I’m telling you enjoy it because before you know it, he’ll be seven years old.”

  “That boy hardly ever sleeps. Except when Mia holds him.” A strange look passes over his face. “How about you? Are you going to enjoy every minute?” I get the feeling that he’s patronizing me.

  He can’t possibly know that I’ve been shit for a father lately, choosing to spend my days alone constantly thinking about Mia.

  “I do. Every day.”

  “Where are the kids?” He looks past me into the living room.

  “They’re at Mia’s. Long story.”

  “Mia’s? So you’ve seen her?” he asks like he’s trying to get some information out of me.

  “Yeah, I saw her.” I run my hands through my hair and massage the base of my neck where a dull ache is starting to form.

  “And?”

  “And what? She fucking hates me.”

  “Can you blame her?”

  “Listen, I don’t need to hear this from you, too. I know what I did and I also know why I had to do it. Give it a rest.”

  “How’d she look to you?”

  Beautiful. Radiant. Healthy. Happy.

  “She looked good.”

  “That’s it? She looked good?” The tone of his voice tells me that he thinks I’m stupid or something.

  Over Mike’s shoulder, on the back patio, I see a blur of red hair as the realtor rushes to a standstill before peering in.

  Mike’s expectant eyes follow me as I slide open the door to let her in. “What the fuck?” I hear him mutter. “You’re seriously fucked up. Damn, you say one thing and do another.” He snorts as he shakes his head from side to side. I’m not really sure what he’s talking about right now. He’s back to talking in code. Realization hits me. Mike recognizes her from the bar and must think that she’s here to hook up. Oh, hell no!

  “Lauren, this is Mike. Mike, this is Lauren, the realtor.” I flash my eyes to his, hoping he realizes that I’m clarifying who she is. “She’s selling the house. We’re closing in a few weeks.”

  “Could you give us a minute?” Mike asks.

  “Sure. I’ll wait in the dining room.” The scent of her strong perfume wafts through the air as she walks past.

  “So you’re leaving anyway. Seeing her made no difference to you?”

  I am so confused right now. “Mike, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, man.”

  “Mia! You saw her and you’re still going back to California? You’re going to let her do this on her own?”

  “Mike, she’s happy. She doesn’t need me. My being here will only make things worse because we can’t ever be together. Besides, she’d never forgive me or take me back.”

  “I gotta go,” he says abruptly and leaves. I wonder what the hell just happened as I walk into the dining room to meet with Lauren.

  Spread across the dining room table is the contract for the sale of my house. Although I told Lauren to accept the next offer, I’m a little surprised that the buyers have offered twenty grand lower than the asking price. If I weren’t in such a rush to sell, I’d counter offer and call their bluff. It’s a business tactic that I know all too well.

  I sign along the dotted lines by the fluorescent tabs and slide the contract across the table.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.” I click the pen to close it.

  “Are you sure about this? You seem hesitant. You and I both know the offer is way too low. Maybe you should hold off and wait for the right buyer.” Her bright pink lips smile at me. I wonder if she wants to wait until she can get a bigger commission or doesn’t want our business transaction to come to an end. Maybe she thinks I’ve changed my mind about her.

  “I’ve signed on the dotted line. A deal’s a deal.” I stand and extend my hand. “Thank you for your time.”

  Since I’ve given her Power of Attorney, I won’t need to come back for the closing. She seems more than capable of handling it.

  After she leaves, I sit alone in my office, bury my face in my hands and weep like a fucking baby. The throbbing at the base of my neck is harder now and I know there’s only one thing that could ease it.

  I let the scalding hot water rain down on me, washing away the tension in my neck. I scrub the shampoo through my hair. Before I realize it, I’m sitting on the granite seat stroking my dick. Thoughts of Mia saturate my brain and my body responds. Her lips, her mouth, her breasts, her sweet pussy. I want it all. I need it all. My head smacks against the tiled wall as I yell out her name, exploding everywhere.

  Goddammit. I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye to her today for the very last time. Maybe if I beg, plead and crawl she’d consider taking me back. I would crawl back to her. Only for her.

  “YOU MAKE THE best grilled cheese sandwiches.”

  “Yeah, Daddy doesn’t cut the crust off like you do,” Maddie says with a mouthful of gooey cheese goodness.

  “You’re not supposed to talk with your mouth full.” Luke laughs and chastises her with a mouthful of his own food.

  I’ve missed these two so much. My face literally hurts from all the smiling that I’ve been doing for the past hour.

  The twins tell me all about their new school and their grandfather. They seem to have mixed feelings about California. They miss home. They miss Brady and me. I cannot believe my ears when they tell me that their dad finally relented and got them a dog. Their black lab is a tiny version of Brady. I laugh when they tell me what a hard time they had deciding his name. Maddie insisted on Brady, but Luke liked BJ, for Brady Junior. Their father nixed both names immediately, suggesting Dewey instead. He explained that it sounded like the French word for two, as in Brady II. I look over at
Brady who’s drying off from his bath and smile. I remember how little he was when I first got him, always tripping over his large paws.

  The sound of a car in the driveway has me looking at my phone to check the time. He’s early. I never responded to his text. I can’t have his phone number. I don’t trust myself with it.

  “Hey you little rascals!” Mike’s deep voice greets us, playfully.

  “Uncle Mike!” Maddie and Luke jump up and run to him. He swings them around like ragdolls.

  “How are my favorite twins in the whole wide world?” His face lights up. He looks huge and menacing in his uniform, but we all know he’s a big softy.

  “We’re good.”

  I walk over to kiss him and he gives me a stern look. “And how are we?” he whispers as his gaze drops to my belly. I smile. “We are fine.” I pat his muscular arm reassuringly. “Are you hungry? I can make you a grilled cheese sandwich?”

  “No, thanks. I can’t stay. I’m on my way home.”

  “Okay. Does Shelby need something?” I wonder why he’s here. I think it’s odd that he doesn’t seem surprised to see the kids here. I give him a curious look.

  “Kids, can I talk to Mia real quick?” He ushers me into the kitchen. Gone is playful Mike replaced by Mr. Serious. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

  “Mike—” I start and stop. I don’t even know what to say.

  “Don’t you ‘Mike’ me! You have to tell him. He’s going to be fucking pissed if you keep this from him. I swear to God, if you don’t tell him, I will.”

  I see nothing but red. I love Mike almost as much as I love my own brother, but I will not be bullied into this and besides, it’s none of his damn business.

  I step closer to him and point my index finger. “You will do no such thing. You will keep your mouth shut.” Each word is enunciated slowly and clearly. “This has nothing to do with you. He made his choice and I’m making mine. We are better off without him.” Again, I lie. He is a wonderful father and would be to this child, but I don’t trust him. Knowing him, he would up and run off again when things got too tough. I won’t go through that again.

  “Mia, that man loves you.”

  “Mike, stop it! Just stop! He made his decision. Now leave it alone.”

  “Tell me you don’t love him. Tell me you don’t think about him all the time.”

  I swallow the emotion that’s about to pour out of me and blink away the tears that are about to fall.

  “It doesn’t matter!” I yell.

  “Come here.” Mike’s arms wrap around my body, comforting me as those damn tears win out.

  “I miss him so much. You have no idea.” My chest shudders and my words choke out as I cry into his chest. “I don’t want to do this on my own, but I will if I have to. Do you know that I sent him a letter telling him about the baby? Do you know what he did? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. No phone call. No email. No return letter. It’s like he doesn’t care at all.”

  “Mia, he has no idea that you’re pregnant. Believe me. I was just there talking to him and he’s fucking clueless. What do you girls call it? A hot mess? Yeah, that’s it! He’s a hot mess.”

  I chuckle at his observation and word choice. “I’m a hot mess. Look at me.” I push away and grab a paper towel to blow my nose. I rip off another to wipe my face and blow my nose again. “You made me cry! I have to face those kids like this!” I gesture to my face.

  “We’ll tell them that I told you a joke that was so funny you started crying.” He backpedals, knowing his attempt at humor is in vain.

  “They’re not stupid, Mike. They’ll know,” I holler back as I walk into the bathroom to wash my face and reassemble my hair.

  When I come out, Mike is still standing there. “Mia, I’m sorry I made you cry, but you really do need to tell him. This isn’t just about you anymore.”

  “I know.” I follow him outside.

  I grab the bag filled with beach toys and sling it over my shoulder as the kids wave goodbye to Mike. We start walking toward the path which leads down to the lake when Luke stops to ask if we can bring the paddleboard. I tell him no because his dad will be back soon. “Maybe next time,” he says before he runs after Brady.

  Maddie’s little hand reaches for mine and her fingers give a little squeeze. “I want to come home. I want to live in my old house and go back to my old school.”

  I do all I can to not to fall to my knees, wrap my arms around her and tell her that I want the same things, but I don’t. I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair. “We can keep in touch. You can email me or text me. Do you still have your phone?”

  She shakes her head. “No, Daddy said I don’t need one because I’m always with him.”

  “So you don’t spend time at your grandpa’s house without him? You don’t go for the weekends?”

  “Nope. Daddy just stays home all the time. He’s sad a lot of the time. I think he misses home, too.”

  I kick off my flip flops and lower myself onto the dock next to Maddie. Luke is on his belly looking at the fish in the water. The warm sun feels good on my face, giving it a pink color. “Mia, you should come to California. We live near the beach.”

  We wave hello to the boats going by pulling kids on a tube. I would love to spend the whole day here with them. Luke runs off along the shore tossing a tennis ball into the water for Brady. So much for just giving him a bath. I smile to myself as I see the happy, carefree boy make his return, keeping the anger at bay. Maddie is content to jump over the waves created by the passing boats.

  When I realize that we’ve been here awhile, I gather the kids and tell them that we need to go back because their father will arrive any minute. I reach for my phone, but quickly remember that I left it in the kitchen when Mike stopped over.

  Following behind Luke and Brady, Maddie reaches for my hand and we walk back along the path and cross the yard. I can only see my Jeep which tells me he isn’t here yet. The kids want to spend as much time as they can with Brady so they play fetch with him while I go inside to fill cups of ice water. The sound of heavy stomping coming down the front stairs scares the crap out of me and I secure the bag of toys in front of me, protecting my child from danger.

  “Mia, where the hell have you been?” Adam runs into the kitchen, stopping abruptly when he sees me standing there. He extends open arms like he’s expecting me to step in, but my body goes completely rigid; I’m as stiff as a board. My heart wants to push me forward into his arms to circle his slim waist and feel his body against mine. But I can’t. My brain overrules my heart.

  “Oh my God. Where were you? Where are the kids?” He steps closer.

  My eyes close briefly as I inhale his scent. He smells divine, freshly showered with just a hint of cologne. I want nothing more at the moment than to lift my chin and bury my nose in his neck, but immediately I wonder why he’s freshly showered in the middle of the afternoon and my eyes fly open with disdain.

  “Mia.” His brown eyes plead for me to say something as his hand begins to caress my arm.

  “Don’t touch me!” I flinch, dodging his attempt to touch my hand. “What’s wrong with you?” I look at him like he’s insane and notice he’s returning the same look.

  “I got here and you guys weren’t here. I looked everywhere for you.” His fingers fly up and through his hair before scrubbing his jaw with the palm of his hand.

  “We went down to the lake. I didn’t think it was a big deal.” I can’t help but think he’s over reacting. Did he really think I would pull a Lifetime movie and take off with his kids?

  “I’m sorry. I just got worried.” He leans against the island.

  “They’re fine. We had lunch, gave Brady a bath and went down to the lake.” I purposely don’t mention Mike’s visit; it’s not any of his concern.

  The ringing of my phone from somewhere in the kitchen has me looking around as I try to remember where I left it. He slowly turns around to reach for my phone that’s resting on the flat surface behind him.
His eyes narrow briefly when he picks it up and hands it to me. When I reach for it, he doesn’t let go of his hold. He gives me a disapproving look like he wants me to know he’s seen the caller’s name and isn’t happy about it. Well, screw you, buddy! You lost the right to know my business when you walked out of my life.

  My eyes never stray from his as I take the call. “Hi, Shane,” I answer quickly. I forgot to text him back earlier. I look down at my flip flops and listen as he tells me that he’s going to be in town and wants to grab a bite to eat.

  “Yeah, that sounds like fun. Listen, I’m in the middle of something. Can I call you later?”

  I disconnect the call and look up at him. He looks angry with his jaw clenched tightly and a vein bulging in his tanned neck. I would love to know what he’s thinking. I imagine he’s pissed off about Shane calling me and making plans. He’s always been jealous of Shane even though there’s never been a reason for it. I never loved Shane.

  “Daddy!” The screen door opens and closes with a loud bang as Maddie and Luke come in.

  “Hey, you two!” He turns and smiles at his children. “You ready to go see Gramma and Grandpa?” Maddie is scooped up and given kisses in the crook of her neck and then set back down. “What’s up with you?” he asks Luke who’s standing there with a puss on his face.

  “Do I have to go? Can’t I just stay here?” Those big brown eyes plead with his father.

  “No, bud. I have a few meetings this week so you have to go.”

  “I didn’t mean with you.” Luke’s thin lips tighten. “Can I stay here with Mia?” Those same brown eyes look in my direction.

  Oh crap! I don’t want to get in the middle of this battle of wills between father and son. They’re too much alike and it probably won’t end well.

  “Luke, I told you we were coming to visit and that’s it. We’re going back to California.” Trying a more pacifying tone, he asks, “Don’t you want to go out on Grandpa’s boat again?” I know what he’s trying to do. He’s deflecting, trying to get Luke to think about how fun it is there so he won’t want to stay here, but Luke is too smart.