Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  “What are you guys doing here?” I turn to face Shelby, who’s standing in cut off shorts and a green tank top, her baby weight is all but gone.

  “We just needed a few things for tomorrow.” She smiles and looks up at her husband. “But I thought you’re going out for dinner.” That was why they’ve asked me to babysit. They said they needed a night to themselves. “We are. We’re just picking up a few things for dessert.” I peek into their carriage and see a can of whipped cream, chocolate sauce and tucked in the corner under the jar of cherries is a bottle of K-Y jelly. I can’t help but chuckle at the burly man whose face begins to color. If he only knew the things Shelby’s told me about them, I surely believe that he’d die of humiliation.

  The baby starts to fuss. Well, damn. That didn’t last very long.

  “Is six o’clock still good for tomorrow night?” Shelby asks, unbuckling MJ’s harness from the carrier and patting his back gently which doesn’t help calm his cries. I think the entire store can tell what a set of lungs this little boy has.

  I smile, taking the baby from her, swaying from side to side as I hold him close to my chest. “Sure. I’ve got nowhere to be.” I shush him quietly.

  Mike’s head slowly turns in the direction toward the front of the store. I follow his gaze to see a gorgeous but apprehensive man walk in, heading straight for us. Oh, for the love of God! If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was following me. It’s like he knows where I’m going to be all the time.

  “Adam.” Mike nods and extends his hand. “Hey. How’s it going?”

  He smiles meagerly, looks at me and says, “Good. I think it’s pretty good.” I understand the double meaning in his words and press my lips into MJ’s blond hair, kissing it over and over.

  “Hi Shelby.” I detect uncertainty in his voice and watch as he shoves his hands into his pockets, a sign of his nerves. He doesn’t know how she’ll respond to him. She’s always been completely loyal to me.

  “What are you doing here?” she scoffs. Mike’s eyes flash a warning to her. “What?” she questions her husband. “I mean who just shows up out of nowhere after skipping town without so much as a goodbye?” A razor sharp knife couldn’t cut through the tension as Mike’s big, muscular arm slides over her shoulder, pulling her ear close to his mouth and whispers, not so quietly, that she needs to butt out. Hah! The irony of his statement makes me snort. All eyes dart to mine. I guess I didn’t use my inside voice. Shelby rolls her eyes, turns and walks away, leaving me feeling vulnerable and alone.

  Adam’s long fingers reach out and brush over MJ’s soft, fine hair. “He’s beautiful.” A small smile stretches across his face and his eyes blink thoughtfully before scanning my face. “You look beautiful holding him.” I kiss the baby’s head again. Guilt begins to consume me and I need to get out of here. I am a horrible person for keeping his child a secret. I know it’s true and the look on Mike’s face tells me that he’s in agreement with me.

  “Here.” I kiss MJ’s head before handing him back to his father since Shelby is nowhere to be seen. “I’ve got to go.” It’s an awkward moment between all of us. “I’ll see you later.” I’m not really sure to whom I direct my words because both men nod to me.

  “Do you need help with your bags?” Adam asks.

  “I’ve got two bags. I think I can handle it on my own.” The look of expectation on his face quickly falls as I reject his offer. I hear Mike clear his throat as he shoots me a look that tells me to knock it off.

  In true Adam fashion, he doesn’t listen. The plastic bags are lifted from the carriage and placed easily in one hand. “C’mon. I’ve got this.”

  Angie watches our interaction and leans over to whisper in my ear as she passes by, “Make him beg for it.” Oh Lord! “Goodbye, you crazy lady!” I smile at her as I find my keys in my bag.

  “Why’d you park so far away?” Adam teases me.

  “It’s good exercise,” I answer casually.

  “You don’t need the exercise. You look perfect.”

  I roll my eyes at him and purse my lip, lifting my chin toward the back of the Jeep. “You can put those in the back, please.”

  He secures my groceries on the floor, tossing an empty water bottle aside and turns to face me. I look at his face, wondering how I ever resisted him last year.

  “Thanks.”

  “I hate this,” he mutters beneath his breath.

  “What?”

  “I hate this . . .” He finger points to the space between us.

  I know exactly what he means. “Me, too,” I confess, dropping my eyes to look at the concrete payment. My pulse starts to race and I feel my cheeks starting to turn pink.

  “I’m sorry I did this to us.”

  “Me, too.” I blink away the moisture I feel pooling in the corner of my eye.

  “Can I see you later?”

  My eyes snap upward to look at him with hesitancy, and I see hope staring back at me.

  “We can talk or we can just sit there. I don’t care what we do. I just . . . I just need to be near you.”

  I inhale deeply and exhale slowly, blowing the air through my lips. “I don’t know. I need some time to think about this. I told you so much has changed.” My mind is confused. It can’t comprehend how this is happening; how after all this time, he’s acting as though no time has passed at all. He’s come back, assuming that we can kiss and make up. My heart leaps with joy. “Text me later.”

  His eyes light up as his cheeks pull back in a grin. “I will. I promise.”

  I clench my jaw tightly because I want to tell him that he’s made promises before and he’s broken them. But what purpose would that serve? Maybe I’m being too naïve or am having a sudden, overwhelming sense of compassion for the man. I don’t know. All I know is that the two sides of me aren’t in agreement.

  He opens the door and I climb into the driver’s seat. I turn and reach over my left shoulder to grab the seatbelt. Without warning, he cradles my cheek and presses his lips to mine. My lips move involuntarily against his like I’m starved for his touch. Before he has the chance to deepen the kiss, I pull back just ever so slightly, leaving his soft tongue alone without its mate. He places a kiss on my forehead and sighs, “I’m sorry I did that.”

  I’m not sorry. My body desires his. He’s the other half of me. I simply nod and pull away, sliding the key into the ignition.

  “I’ll text you later.”

  I nod again.

  I watch as he walks away to where he’s parked his rental a few rows away. His tall lean body fills out his jeans perfectly. His gait exudes sex and confidence. Before I pass him completely, I hear his voice.

  “Hey!” he calls, “Actually, I’m not sorry I did that!” He lowers himself into the car and closes the door, knowing damn well that he’s put a smile on my face.

  I tap the button to turn on the radio and my smile grows wider as Jason Derulo’s new song about symphonies blasts through the speakers.

  ***

  AFTER A QUICK stop at home to drop off the groceries, I drive out to the Market Place to meet Pete who’s been AWOL all summer. Escorted to a square table on the patio, I’m thankful for the shade because the July sun is scorching hot.

  He arrives fifteen minutes later, looking gorgeous and happy in a pair of tan cargo shorts and a light green polo shirt. As soon as I rise to meet him, I’m enveloped in his arms and hugged tightly. “I’ve missed you,” he sings in my ear. “How are you?”

  We break our embrace and sit down. I can’t exactly figure out what’s different about him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so . . . radiant. “I’m good,” I answer. “Things are good.” He knows my words suggest that I’m in a good place emotionally.

  “Damn, girl. You look hot!”

  “Of course I do,” I say as I wipe a bead of sweat from my brow. “It’s only ninety eight degrees out!” I counter, playfully.

  “No, there’s something else about you.”

  The waiter comes to
take our drink order. When I order a glass of water with lemon, Pete eyes me and proceeds to order a beer. I thought for sure he was going to ask why I’m not drinking.

  He asks about Shelby and the baby and everyone else in our town.

  “So tell me! How was your summer? I want to hear all about it,” I ask, wanting him to provide a detailed account so I can have time to gather up the courage to tell him my news.

  “Oh my God! It was incredible.” He stands up and sits in the chair next to me so he can show me all the pictures on his phone and gives me a play by play of his trip through some of America’s most beautiful national parks in Wyoming, Utah, Oregon and California. He only stops talking to place his order and then to take bites of food in between his stories of the amazing sights that he and Tyler got to experience.

  He is quite an animated storyteller. The last picture he shows me is of him and Tyler underneath The Delicate Arch, a 65 foot freestanding arch. I take the phone from his grasp and zoom in to see the image in closer detail. My breath is taken away when upon further inspection, I see Tyler on bent knee. I gasp, “No way!” I look up quickly and find him beaming from ear to ear. “You’re engaged?”

  “Yes! Can you believe it?”

  I throw my arms around him displaying my fierce love for my best friend. “I’m so happy for you! For both of you!”

  We split dessert and continue to talk about how it happened and he explains Tyler’s suspicious behavior in the spring. I know my time is limited; it’s time to surprise him with a little news of my own.

  “What happened to staying in Texas all summer? I thought you weren’t coming home until late August.”

  “Yeah, about that . . . a little something came up and threw a monkey wrench in that plan.” I smile sheepishly.

  “What?” he asks slowly with suspicion. “Is this about . . .”

  I swallow hard. “Yes and no.” It’s not technically lying because I came home earlier because I’m pregnant not because Adam is here.

  “Explain.”

  I bury my face in my palms before looking at his expectant face. Oh, fuck it! “I’m pregnant.”

  His tanned face seems to pale in an instant. “You’re what?”

  “Pregnant.”

  “I don’t know whether to kiss you or slap you!” He chuckles.

  I tell him about the day back in March, right before Adam left. He encourages me to go on. I tell him how I tried to deny and ignore what I had known very early on once I missed my period.

  “Holy shit! This is crazy!”

  “Yep, it is!” I agree.

  “Do you even know where he is? I mean how will you get in touch with him?” As far as he knows, Adam and I have had no contact since he left.

  “Yes. He’s in town. I’ve seen him, but I haven’t told him.”

  “Why is he here? What’s he doing in town?”

  I say the words that I still don’t truly believe myself. “He wants to come back. He wants a second chance.”

  The other restaurant patrons stop what they’re doing and look over at us when Pete asks if “I’m fucking serious” and then tells me that he’ll kill him if he comes near me.

  “Pete, relax. You’re being dramatic. I’m fine.”

  “Fine? You weren’t fine when he left!”

  Anger threatens to escape as I glare at him. “I’m fine now.” I know he’s remembering the day when Shelby and I had a misunderstanding about what happened in the bathtub.

  “What did that cocksucker say?”

  “Shut up!” I glance around and offer an apologetic smile to an older woman sitting across from us.

  “Listen. Whether he and I ever get back together is not the issue. I’m having his baby. That is the issue.”

  He exhales and apologizes quietly.

  “Peter . . .” I reach for his hand “I’m having a baby.” My words are whispered. I want him to know I’m thrilled at the opportunity to have a baby, no matter who her father is. “Be happy for me.”

  “Mia, I am happy for you! I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

  “I won’t.” I smile and motion my hands to make a karate chop. “I’ve got my guard up.” He laughs and repeats my silly gesture, telling me that he’s got my back.

  ***

  LATER THAT AFTERNOON, I sit on the dock and circle my toes around in the water, creating small letters that spell out different names for my little girl while my palm circles my little bump. Brady splashes happily at the water’s shore. I’m lost in my thoughts when I hear my phone chirp. Glancing at it, I see his number. I haven’t saved his name as a contact; my fingers won’t allow it.

  I unlock my phone and read the text. It’s a simple word, “So?”

  Without responding, I set the phone down beside me. Procrastination overrules me. I know I’m being a chicken shit and that it’s only a matter of time before I tell him. I don’t know why I’m prolonging the evitable.

  My legs carry me back home through the thick trees that line the path. Before I know it, I’m on the couch with the blanket that he used tucked under my chin. I inhale his scent that’s been left behind. Minutes later I’m sound asleep.

  I dream of canyons, sunsets, the ocean, hot fudge sundaes and Adam. I always dream of him.

  My eyes flutter open as the chime of my phone alerts me of an incoming text. Stretching and yawning loudly, I reach over to retrieve my phone and see that I have two new messages. Both from him. I scan the texts quickly and feel guilty for not responding earlier. It then dings a total of three times in a row. I open the texts that reveal a heartfelt message from him saying lovely things about how nice it was to see me, how he misses me and how it’s killing him that I won’t respond or talk to him. His last text tells me that he’s taking my silence as a “no” and that he’ll try me again tomorrow. I know I should have the decency to at least text back, but like I told Pete, I have my guard up. Manners override and I send a single word, “OK.”

  I hear my phone alert once again and am relieved to see Shelby’s name, asking me to drop by for dinner. I debate on what to do because I don’t want to talk about Adam and I know that’s what she wants to talk about.

  Adam

  AFTER TOSSING AND turning all night, I lie quietly on the bed in the guest room. I can’t help but think I might be too late. For some reason, I thought she’d be happy to see me and want to be with me. Now I’m not so sure. There’s a frantic beating of my heart as fear grips a hold of me. I can’t be without her; she is the air I breathe.

  I shower quickly and drive out to get a cup of coffee. Pete is inside working and I’m not really sure if I should say hello to him or not. I didn’t exactly get the welcome mat rolled out from Shelby. Going with my gut, I order at the drive thru and pull forward, careful to avoid being seen by him. It’s too early for a confrontation. I will fight anyone who tries to get in my way.

  ***

  JUST AS I start to drive away, I glance in through the window and see him glaring at me. Oh, he’s definitely not on the welcoming committee. I realize quickly that convincing her to take me back is going to be a much harder task than I thought. Her friends will be my adversaries. They’ll view me as the asshole who broke her heart and rightfully so, but I’m also the asshole who loves her and can’t live without her.

  I shut off the ignition, step out of the car with coffee in hand, and walk over to where the gate is secured by a huge lock. I unlock it and walk through, looking at the empty lot before me and think about how life’s paths cross sometimes without us even knowing it. I’ve never been a believer in fate—people choose their own destiny—but since Mia, all that has changed. We were meant to meet when we did, not sooner or later. We were meant to be together then like we are now. Of course, the guilt I have had to go and fuck that all up.

  I walk around the property and look around when I hear the faint sound of sirens. I turn to face in the opposite direction and expect to see fire engines en route, but there’s nothing. No trucks and no s
ound. It’s like a flash of a memory and it’s gone as quickly as it came. Giving my head a quick shake, I clear my thoughts. I find myself gazing upward to the top of the summit where Mia and I used to end our runs. I remember the first time she pointed this place out; I wanted nothing more at that moment than to take away the sadness that filled her brown eyes as she recalled the story of what happened here. One single action, one single choice changed so many lives forever.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket. I unlock it quickly when I see her name. Walking back to the car, I read her lengthy message. In fact, I read it twice to make sure I haven’t misread anything.

  Good morning. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts yesterday. I need time to think. Your return into my life is unexpected and to be honest, I don’t know what to make of it. You have no idea how many days and nights I’ve wished for this. I guess the hardest thing for me is that I don’t understand how you just left and then show up out of the blue. It’s like you became a totally different person, devoid of emotion or love. You say you want to fix things, but we can’t be fixed in one day. I gave you everything I had. I gave you my heart. Not only did you break it, you stomped all over it. I know we need to talk and there are things that you need to know. I can’t think straight when you’re near me. You already know this. If I were to consider giving you another chance, giving us another try, you have to understand that my heart will be guarded. I will not be broken again.

  Motherfucker! Her words rip through me, leaving a hole in my chest. I have my work cut out for me. I’ve never been afraid of hard work. I will prove to her how much I love her. I will show her every single day.

  I want to call her and listen to her soft voice, but knowing that it will be my undoing, I send a text instead.

  Good morning, beautiful. Thank you for the text and for your honesty. Please don’t think for one second that I don’t know what I did to you. I will never forgive myself. I know that what we had was real. It is real. You also have every right not to trust me, but if there’s any shred of hope that you still love me and will consider giving me a second chance, I’ll take it. I will take whatever you’re willing to give me . . . even if it’s just your friendship for now.