Hello Life!

by Marcus Butler

  3 SING

  Seriously, if you have a voice like mine, it’ll speed the process along. You could even write a song about your partner getting ready. Because that won’t be annoying at all.

  4 WORK OUT

  Maybe a few push-ups or burpees while your other half gets dressed? Just don’t get too sweaty. You’re going out, remember?

  5 BOND WITH YOUR PETS

  It’s vital to create a happy environment for your animals, whether they’re cats, goldfish, or stick insects. This thirty-minute window (or an hour . . . or worse) is the perfect opportunity to get down with nature.

  REBOOTING A BROKEN HEART

  Hard life lesson #453: everyone will go through a breakup at some stage in their life and it’s tough—really tough. It doesn’t get any easier as you get older either. The most recent split can be as bad as the first, and people can hurt as much in their eighties and nineties as they do in their teens. The hardest thing is that it’s easy to feel like the heartbreak is happening to you, and you only. If you lose a loved one in the family, there’s usually a lot of other people grieving around you. When you’ve lost the love of your life, it’s a pretty lonely business.

  Some of my breakups have been pretty bad, though luckily there haven’t been too many to report. One girl, Sarah, kept cheating on me, and that was a nightmare. I kept hearing stories from other people about what she’d been doing, and my friends were urging me to drop her, but it was still really hard. Even though I felt wronged, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  Another girl I’d been with for six months dumped me out of the blue, and that was just as crappy. I was young and though I wasn’t in love, I still liked her. I had real feelings, and hearing that she wanted to end things was devastating. Of course she gave me the classic brush-off, telling me, “It’s not you, it’s me.” So the next day, I decided to wallow in the misery for a while. I got maudlin, locking myself away while listening to a lot of depressing music. It was really horrible.

  Dumping someone is a nasty experience as well; sometimes it’s as bad as being dumped, if not worse. Why? Well, you probably still have feelings for the person you’re breaking up with, and you might have no idea how they’re going to react. You feel guilty, too. When I was fourteen I decided to call it off with a girl I’d been with for a year, and I remember asking my sister to drop me off at her house because I was so scared to do it. I needed the emotional support. I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous as I was that day—I felt so weird.

  When I finally got inside her front door, it took ages to get to the point. We chatted for a while until I eventually broke the news. Despite the fact I knew it was for the best, it was hard to put my feelings for her aside—to talk to her like a normal person without those emotions getting in the way. And I really didn’t want to hit her with my decision right away by saying, “Yeah! Let’s split up!” That would have been weird for her, and I would have felt awful.

  When a breakup happens—as the dumper or the dumped—it can be an emotional roller coaster. You might feel sick; you’ll want to cry. There will be a lot of sleepless nights, and plenty of stress for sure. Some days you might feel like sitting in your underwear all day, stuffing your face with pizza and chocolate (not at the same time please: you’ll puke). Other days, getting out of bed might feel impossible.

  It’s important to remember that, in the end, you’ll get back on track and feel like your old self again. But just in case you’re struggling, I’ve put together a survival plan to get your heart on the mend, sooner rather than later. . . .

  1 RECOGNIZE THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

  According to the experts, we all go through five phases in a breakup.

  #1 Denial: Yeah, they’ll come crawling back. . . .

  #2 Anger: WTF?! Why aren’t they coming back?

  #3 Bargaining: Er, please come back!

  #4 Depression: Ugh, they’re so not coming back, and no one will ever like me again. . . .

  #5 Acceptance: Next!

  Depending on the relationship and where your head’s at, those stages might take days or weeks. They could even take months, years. Just ready yourself for a bumpy ride.

  2 ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL CRAPPY . . .

  Give yourself some time to wallow in the pain. Put on some sad music—Sam Smith maybe, or a bit of Ed Sheeran. Sit around watching weepy movies and eat a little comfort food. If you want to mope around all day and cry, do it. If you’re going to hate on yourself, get it out of your system. When you do turn the corner—and you will—you’ll have more confidence than ever before. Why? Well, you’ve gone through the worst and survived.

  3 . . . BUT SET YOURSELF A TIME LIMIT

  Because sitting around in a onesie, watching crappy TV, and crying into your pizza six months down the line is not always a good thing.

  4 PICK YOUR BREAKUP SONGS CAREFULLY

  Chances are you’re going to listen to a lot of music during this very tricky time, so choose your playlists carefully, because whatever you’re listening to, the emotions attached to the lyrics will stick. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself in a nightclub years from now, feeling sad because the DJ’s dropped that same song at the end of the night and it’s brought back bad memories.

  I remember that my breakup anthem was “Apologize” by One Republic. Just to crank up the heartache a little more, I streamed the acoustic version, which was slow and appropriately depressing. I was fifteen, and I remember walking along the street, the guitars ringing in my headphones, a tear or two in my eye. Yeah, man, I thought. Tough times. . . .

  The funny thing is, if I hear that song now, it takes me back to that very moment. Music is memory, so maybe don’t listen to your favorite bands during a love split. You could ruin them forever.

  5 AVOID THE REBOUND

  Some people love it, and they can do rebounds quite comfortably. They’ll be going out the day after a breakup, on the hunt again, like it’s no big deal. But rebounding can be weird. Remember, you’ve been in a relationship with someone, so when you kiss another person it might whip up all sorts of feelings. It can bring more negative emotions. It might even make you miss the other person more. Don’t dive in too quickly. Kiss carefully—that’s all I’m saying.

  6 DON’T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN

  After a little while, you might feel great, back to your old self. You might think, Yeah, I’m so over this. Then, a couple of days later, you’ve returned to that bad place, and you’re hiding from the world again. Understand that you might be in for some ups and downs—enjoy the ups, but look after yourself during the downs. Eventually it’ll all level out and you’ll be back to normal.

  7 CUT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA CONNECTIONS

  If you’re lucky enough not to work with your ex, or share classes, then cut all online contact as quickly as you can. Seriously, what’s stopping you? Chop them from Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and Instagram, because you really don’t want to see their latest photos, especially if they’re having a great time without you (or worse, with someone else).

  While you’re at it, delete their e-mails, texts, and contact numbers, too. You’ll only be tempted to reread the smoochy ones, or message them in the middle of a crappy day. And that rarely ends well.

  8 REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE

  You’ve taken a blow, you feel down, but the trick is to get your confidence pumping again. Go out and flirt. And I don’t mean you should hit on someone in study hall or make a move on the first person you see in the break room. I’m talking about a shared smile with someone on the street. Have a joke with the person next to you as you queue for a coffee (even if you don’t find them attractive). Get some chemistry going. It might not get you a date just yet, but it’ll prove that there’s life beyond your ex at least.

  9 EXERCISE

  Down in the dumps? Go for a walk with friends. Want to take your mind off feeling like a bit of a loner? Then play a game of soccer with mates. Feeling angry at being ditched? Boom! Take your anger out in a workout
. Running is great, too. You’ll be moving in the fresh air, lungs burning, and your endorphins will shoot up and you’ll feel good about yourself. Even better, you’ll look great, too. (Note: Not immediately afterward. You’ll be red-faced and sweaty.)

  10 GET READY . . .

  . . . because this is an exciting beginning. And it won’t be long before you’re experiencing all those amazing feelings of falling for someone again, but with a new person. Sure, it’s easy to think, Oh I’m gonna be on my own forever now. I’m never going to meet someone else. But put that thought process to one side and imagine a time when you can be happy again. The sooner you do that, the sooner someone will blow you away.

  “A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.”

  —William Arthur Ward

  Every day I learn a lot about the lives of my audience, and I’m often given a scary insight into just how tough things can be for young people. Whenever I make a video on a sensitive subject, I’m upset by the number of people who respond by telling me that they’re being bullied or that their parents are breaking up. Some of them have friends who have been self-harming and they’re not sure how to help them. Others have friends who are changing emotionally and they’re worried about losing friendships.

  Listening and chatting to my viewers can be upsetting at times, but I always like to offer advice when I can, especially if that person is dealing with an issue on their own. Hopefully getting them to share their experiences with me and anyone else listening is a step toward fixing their problem. Whenever I record a new video that deals with a sensitive issue like bullying, I’m doing it in the hope that it will help people who are going through that very same thing.

  I also want people to understand they’re not alone. It’s often easy for someone to think, Oh, it’s just me. This is my problem. Nobody else will understand. I’ll get over it. They keep their stress and hurt bottled up inside, but I know from experience that’s the worst thing to do. It’s far better to talk it out with someone. It can help so much. Even when I’m talking about my problems or dilemmas straight to the camera, I’m opening up to my audience. I’m releasing my emotions. It makes me feel better.

  I’m not claiming to be an expert, or a counselor here. I’m just a guy with a video camera and a YouTube channel. The thing is, I’ve been through some hard times myself in the past and I know just how helpful opening up can be, especially when life seems scary and unmanageable. My parents broke up when I was a kid and that was super-tough. I had to deal with the fallout of divorce with my two sisters, and I can still remember the tears and the stress, even though it’s a little blurry now.

  There have been deaths, too. All of my grandparents have passed away now, which is probably unusual for someone in their early twenties, and every loss was a huge hurt. I experienced bullying at school (albeit on a minor scale) and I nearly lost a close friend to anorexia, which was one of the most upsetting times of my life.

  During those tough chapters, I’ve always had someone to turn to, whether that’s my parents and my family, a teacher, or a close friend. Every time, I’ve found that talking about my issues with another person has been a big help, especially if they were older and more experienced than me. It often set my mind at rest, or at least it helped me to deal with the stress of a situation as I learned how to navigate the sadness and fear I was feeling. Those people were a shoulder to lean on in some pretty grim moments.

  This part of the book aims to do just that, but for you. Here, I’ve detailed the roughest incidents in my life so far—all of them full of hurt, worry, stress, and fear. Some of the issues I’ve written about, like the loss of a loved one, are things that we all, sadly, have to face up to at some stage in our lives. Other stories are unique to me, but there might be incidents within them that you recognize in your own personal situation.

  As well as my own recollections, I’ve also included some useful advice that I’ve learned along the way, in the hope that if ever you’re faced with a similar challenge, I might be able to help you to deal with it better. Think of this section of the book as a crisis-management manual.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A FAMILY BREAKUP

  I’ll never forget the day Mom and Dad told me they were getting a divorce. I was about nine years old and it was awful. Dad picked me up from soccer practice and my two sisters, Tash and Heidi, were in the car with him, but I had no idea anything was wrong at first. I was excited. The team had a big game the next day and I’d been picked to play, but I soon noticed a weird mood—I could feel it. Then Dad broke the silence.

  “Mom and I need to talk to you all when we get home,” he said.

  I knew that meant trouble one way or another.

  “Er, Dad, what do you need to talk to us about?” I said.

  He told us it was important, but that he didn’t want to say any more in the car, despite the fact we kept hassling him. We knew it was something heavy, though. Tash even asked outright if he and Mom were breaking up, but he still wouldn’t say anything, so we all sat in silence feeling scared.

  When we got home, Mom came in and sat us down on the sofa. That’s when we were told the bad news.

  One of our first family skiing vacations at Avoriaz in France

  “We’re getting a divorce,” she said.

  Tash was probably around twelve then, old enough to understand what it all meant, and she freaked out and started crying. I didn’t really get what was going on, and neither did Heidi, who was only about seven, but watching our older sister break down in tears made us cry, too. At first, Mom and Dad tried to convince us that everything was going to be cool, that nothing was going to change.

  “Oh it’s fine, it’s not like anything bad’s going to happen—we still love you,” said Dad.

  But we all knew family life would never be the same again. How could it?

  Looking back, I was young, I didn’t see it coming, and the news hit me from out of nowhere. I guess that was a sign of good parenting, because the pair of them had managed to hide their issues and disagreements from us for so long. We certainly didn’t see any fighting at home, not like you do with some break-ups. That didn’t make the situation any less depressing, though, and Tash took it really badly. As soon as the awful reality had been explained to us, she ran to her room, with Heidi and me following her. We locked ourselves away for the evening as we tried to figure out what was going to happen to us.

  The one thing I remember is trying to stay positive, even on that nightmarish first day. I told the others that I thought Mom and Dad would work through it all—they had to, right? A while later, I kept saying to Heidi, “Look, this could be cool. We’re going to have two houses to mess around in. We’re going to have Mom’s house and Dad’s house, and we’ll spend three days at Dad’s, four at Mom’s. Dad even said we could get a trampoline at his house and a goal, so we can play soccer in the garden . . .”

  Despite the optimism, life at home was tough for a while. There was a lot of heartache. I could see that Dad was really upset, and I’d tell him as often as I could that we all still loved him, but I don’t think any of us understood what was going on. It was hard, and once they’d moved apart there was so much of our lives together that I began to miss. Like our bike rides into the country, or the vacations we used to go on as a family. I still saw Mom and Dad all the time, but the unity was gone because we never did anything together. Not the five of us anyway.

  There was some glimmer of hope a year later. Though it’s all a bit of a blur, the one vivid memory I have is of the three of us—Mom, Dad, me—in the park together. I was kicking a soccer ball against a fence, and they were chatting together. It looked pretty intense.

  “What are you two talking about?” I asked, getting nosy.

  Mom became evasive, but when I got into the car she blurted out the news. “I think we’re going to get back together again,” she said.

  That made me so happy. But in the end it didn’t work out for them, which was tough for all of us. Our hopes
had been raised that life might get back to normal, and I hated seeing my parents sad again. I’d see them both upset and try to hug them. I’d say, “Why are you upset?” But that made it even harder for them. Deep down they probably wanted to talk to me about it, but they couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair to any of us.

  Life became even weirder once Mom and Dad started meeting different people—boyfriends, girlfriends. It was odd seeing them going out with new faces, and not all of them were nice. Mom started seeing one guy who my sisters and I hated, probably because he acted like he hated us. He’d swear at the three of us, and he was horrible to Mom, but what could I do? I was a little kid. I couldn’t hit him or kick him out. I was just too young.

  It got weird with Dad as well. He met someone new, they got married, and she moved into our house with her sons. (I was living at Mom’s but I was spending three days a week with Dad.) I admit it, I found that weird at first—really weird. I kept thinking to myself, Stepbrothers? I don’t know how I feel about this. . . . As they tried to settle into our way of life, I became very standoffish. The boys were named Matt and Tom, and it wasn’t their fault that I was stressed out at the situation, or that I was reacting badly. I had a whole storm of emotions going on. I wasn’t sure how to handle it at all.