Hello Life!

by Marcus Butler

  Me and my sisters with Grandma

  I was sitting on a train to London recently and on the seat opposite was a little boy with his grandma. They were playing around, smiling at one another, and I was listening in on their conversation when it hit me. Wow, I thought, I really miss Grandma. And Granny. Even today I can be struck by those losses. Usually it happens when I least expect it, and it hurts.

  I remember the last time Tash and I saw Grandma. It was that night in the hospital and we had looked at each other and made a decision, one that I’m so glad we made.

  “Right, this might be the last moment we see her alive,” I said. “Let’s say our goodbyes—just in case.”

  We squeezed her hand and told her how much we loved her and how amazing she was. It was horrible, but we knew we had to do it, and I learned at that moment that YOU CAN’T PREDICT WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN LIFE. You have to go with what comes your way. By that I mean, let nature take its course. If you need to release your emotions, don’t be afraid to do so. If you need to talk about it with someone, do it—get the hurt and the worry off your chest. But if you don’t want to talk about it, don’t. You’ll know what’s right for you. And don’t feel bad about the way you feel. Family loss is painful—it’s important to look after yourself and the people around you.

  IT’S OK TO BE SAD, TOO. My emotions were all over the place—everyone in the family felt the same way, but that was OK. We all knew it was fine to hurt. So, when someone passes away and you want to cry—do it. Try not to hold everything in because that can create tension, and it will eventually affect everything else around you. It might affect your job; it might affect your schoolwork; it might even affect your friendships and relationships. If you can get some of it out of your system through talking and crying, it will help in the long term.

  Not that I understood this at first. Like a lot of people, I sometimes tried to hide my emotions away, particularly in tricky situations. It’s always been that way, and when Grandma died I didn’t cry at first, even though I was heartbroken. My sisters fell to pieces, though. Heidi sobbed her eyes out when she heard the news, whereas I didn’t, and I remember questioning my reactions. I kept thinking, This is probably the closest relative I’ve lost and I’m not crying. Am I strange emotionally? Am I a weirdo? Why am I not crying? What I hadn’t realized was that DIFFERENT PEOPLE HURT IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

  But at the time I was so confused. I even mentioned it to Mom. “Is it weird that I didn’t cry?” I said shortly afterward. “I feel so sad, and she’s been a major part of my life, so I feel really bad because I haven’t cried.”

  Mom was reassuring, as always. “Just because you’re not crying it doesn’t mean you’re not feeling it,” she said. “You’re just feeling it in a different way than your sisters. You don’t have to cry to show anything. There are no rules to grieving.”

  She was right, and I guess with all the emotions and grief flying around, it’s important that you DON’T FEEL GUILTY. That was another emotion that was eating away at me, because at the time of Grandma’s death, I hadn’t been around as much, even though she was my last grandparent. There was college, and other things going on in my life. Realizing that set me off to analyzing our time together negatively. Wow, did I see her enough? I thought. Did we do enough together?

  I got to the point where I had to get realistic. I thought, Look, instead of focusing on all the bad stuff, I’ve got all of these amazing memories to concentrate on. I shouldn’t think about the time she fell, or those moments in the hospital. Instead I should focus on the good times we had together.

  And there were plenty of them. Moments that I’ll tell my own kids and grandkids about (when I have them, of course—there aren’t any running around just yet). Those fond memories will never go away and I’ve since decided to celebrate her time with us instead. Grandma and Granny were huge parts of my life. They’re gone, and it’s hard to think of their loss, but I’m lucky to have had so many great times with them.

  The final piece of advice I would give to anyone going through the heartbreak of a family loss is to LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. That sounds like the hardest thing to do under the circumstances, I know. And, yes, their passing will always be a thing, it will always come back, but it’s important to keep going forward. I remember our first family dinner after Grandma had died. We toasted her together, but it was a positive gesture. There were no wallowing speeches; it was done with a sense of moving on. Because that’s what Grandma would have wanted. I promise you, that’s what your loved one would want, too.

  Use the person as an inspiration. If you’re mourning and you feel depressed and unable to do anything, think about what they’re doing, wherever you want to believe they are. If they were looking down on you in that moment, would they want you to be sad? I’m guessing they’d want you to be chasing your dreams and living your life to the fullest. Death is awful, and the pain is so huge, but you need to find some positives eventually; otherwise it will hold you back. And nobody wants that.

  WHY PARENTS KNOW BEST

  It’s easy to believe that older people are the enemy when you’re younger. It’s easy to imagine that they don’t really understand what you’re going through, or that they don’t get your personal issues and the crap you’re having to deal with, especially when times are tough. The truth is, your mom, dad, even your grandparents, will have dealt with similar problems when they were living life as an almost-adult. They will have experienced bereavement, a breakup, maybe even the stress that comes with a serious illness. Sure, the world is a very different place now, but I bet they’ve experienced identical emotions to you at one stage or another.

  I know my parents have, and for some strange reason I’ve always found it easy to talk to them about all kinds of stuff—from school issues and work stress to girls and relationships. Mom, in particular, has always made it really easy for me to talk about relationships, which I think is seriously important as a parent. She was always very open and easy to chat with. It helped that she knew me so well, of course, but whenever something was wrong in a relationship, or if I was having some kind of girl problem, she could always tell. Mom knew how to talk to me in a non-cringey way, and her advice nearly always helped me to resolve whatever issue I’d been freaking out over.

  Even now, when something’s wrong I can go and talk to Mom about it. If something’s bothering me with work or a friend, I can call up Mom and she’ll usually know the right thing to say. So far, she’s prepared me for life: exams, relationships, stress. You name it, she’s probably delivered a few words of wisdom on the subject, and ninety-nine percent of the time she’s been right, too. (Mom’ll probably say that she has a hundred-percent record, but nobody’s perfect, not even her. Though she’s pretty close.)

  The funny thing is I always feel that when Mom gives advice it’s as if a higher power has spoken. She knows the answers to everything, and she’ll usually have a story that relates to my own personal issue. It’s the same with Dad. I’ll tell him about some problem or other that’s bothering me, and he’ll tell me a funny or helpful tale from when he was younger. Thinking about it, I’m almost in a better relationship with my parents now because it seems as if we can talk about anything. They don’t treat me like a child and I’ve grown into an adult relationship with them. It’s like we’re equals in some respects.

  Me and Mom on holiday in Rhodes (Greece), July 2010

  The close-knit family at home—me, Mom, my stepdad and sisters—is quite special. We have this bond where we can talk about anything. There’s a confidence between us that allows the whole family to be open and honest with each other, though I know that’s probably quite an unusual thing, and not a lot of people feel comfortable in that environment.

  That relaxed attitude and openness hasn’t always been there, though. When I was younger, I thought of Mom and Dad as two older people. In my mind they had done very little with their lives, apart from raising me and my sisters—which I now realize to be a pretty mass
ive achievement, along with all the other incredible things both of them have done. I figured that they had grown up in a sensible fashion; there was no way they would have done anything stupid or crazy as teenagers, not like me and my friends. The reality is very different, though. Chances are, my parents have done plenty of things that they wouldn’t want to tell me about. Yours too, most probably. (Don’t think too hard about it; you’ll only gross yourself out.)

  I know I’m lucky. Not everyone has parents who are as open, loving, and supportive as mine. Even when Mom and Dad split up, both of them worked hard to raise the family in the best way possible. Life became very different when they divorced, for sure, but they still worked hard to help me follow my dreams.

  My goal then was to become a professional basketball player. I was lucky that both of them were supportive of me, and they helped me to take a shot at it, even though life was unstable and frightening for them at the time. Whenever there were county trials or training sessions, Dad would drive me there. If there was a school game or a tournament, he would cheer me on from the sidelines. I think he must have given up nearly every weekend to help out during basketball season because there was always some game or other going on in places such as Southampton or London.

  Mom made a similar sacrifice, though, because at the time, Heidi was working hard to be a soccer player. While Dad was helping me to follow my ambitions, Mom was helping Heidi follow hers. They shared the responsibility during a time when life was hard for them. We both felt very supported and loved. That was always going to help us to progress in life, no matter what we did.

  I’m not sure if I appreciated it then, though. When you’re a teenager it’s easy to think of your parents as the enemy. Inside you’re grumpy and hormonal. You’re discovering your sexuality, your passions, and all the things in life that you want to be. You’re unsure and frightened about who you are and where you’re going, and there are so many changes taking place in your body and your brain that it’s easy to become moody, even with your mom and dad.

  Me and my uncle Nigel at Disneyland Paris

  Welcoming our little sister Heidi into the world

  I know I was. Sometimes, when I was having a bad day, they could see my pain. They wanted to help. But my natural reaction, at first, was to slam the door on them—often literally. I soon learned to keep calm. In the end I listened to what they had to say, usually on whether or not I should do my homework. It didn’t take me long to realize that they were the greatest allies I had, and I now know they helped to get me where I am today. They can be your launchpad to success, too.III

  OK, here’s how:

  Problem: Uh-oh, the hormones are kicking in.

  Solution: Parents are usually all over this trauma. They’ve been there, done that, got the embarrassing T-shirt. When you’re growing up, there’s a heck of a lot of awkward biological stuff going on. Periods. New body hair. Your voice goes crazy. Then the sex stuff starts. You’re thinking, I’m beginning to like girls, or I’m beginning to like guys. You might even like both. Either way, your parents will have gone through something vaguely similar.

  My advice would be to go to Mom for most of this stuff, especially if you’re a girl. Dads can be a little squeamish when it comes to bodily fluids and sexual organs. Of course, chat to the man of the house for questions such as, “Should I shave this bit of face-fluff off, or can I look like Teen Wolf for a little while longer?” When I was younger, I sometimes found it a bit daunting when it came to discussing emotional stuff with Dad, because I felt like I had to impress him. With Mom I found it easier to open up and feel comfortable.

  The thing is, everyone’s different. It might be that in your family Dad is the best one to talk to about the emotional stuff, while your mom might be super-practical. Maybe a grandparent or a stepparent is the best person to discuss a tricky situation. Just pick the person you feel most relaxed with. And remember: they’ll understand.

  Problem: I’ve got a crush on my best friend.

  Solution: When it came to discussing relationships, Mom ruled the roost in my family. She had experience in that department (though not too much experience, I hope—ugh!), and Dad really only wanted to talk about sports or mountain climbing. While both my parents have experienced the first flushes of love, the insecurity of an unrequited crush, and the desperate hurt of heartbreak, when it came to the issues of love, Mom knew best.

  Again, I know that isn’t the case for everyone. Your dad might be the best agony uncle in the world. And girls should always go to their dads for a guy’s perspective—if they feel comfortable doing that. I know if I was confused about a girl I liked at college, I would ask Mom for her thoughts, because I figured, Guys don’t get girls, and girls don’t get guys—I’ll ask a woman. That works both ways, so if you can, make the most of your dad’s Yoda-like knowledge as well.

  Problem: I have to go to a real grown-up dinner.

  Solution: Ask them over the dinner table. Get them to show you the right way to party in a mature manner. They’ll definitely know how to order expertly in a restaurant. They might even be able to give you a few tips on picking a good wine. Chances are, one of them will buy you your first alcoholic drink, so all the skills you require to be a proper adult later on in life rest with Mom and Dad. (Just go easy on the booze, OK? You’ll only confess some terribly embarrassing secret in the process.)

  When it comes to the subject of fashion, try to steer clear, however. I know from experience that it can be a little awkward sometimes. For example, there have been times when I’ve shown up at my dad’s house in a new shirt and he’s eyed it up almost the second I’ve walked through the front door.

  “So where did you get that, Marcus?” he’ll say.

  I’ll tell him, and literally the next evening he’ll be wearing exactly the same thing. It often looks ridiculous and I feel a bit stupid wearing the same clothes as my dad, so these days I pretend not to hear him when he asks.

  Problem: Aaargh! I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do with my life!

  Solution: You need all the help you can get on this one, so ask everyone you trust. Mom, Dad, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunties, the mailman . . . OK, so maybe not the mailman, but you get my drift.

  When YouTube started to take off for me I went from ten followers to 10,000 and I was thinking about taking it more seriously. I was also thinking about going to college. I became confused. I asked Mom and my stepdad. I turned to Dad, too. It was a big life decision and I needed a shoulder or three to lean on. In the end Dad was great. He knew I wasn’t making much from YouTube at the time and was unable to live off its earnings. He also knew it was a stab in the dark as a future career. But Dad could also tell that I was excited by the possibilities and he wanted me to chase my dream, so he sat down with me and together we worked out a business plan, plus a list of goals for the future. It really helped to focus my decision. I probably wouldn’t be writing this book now without that meeting.

  * * *

  I. I’ve never worn cowboy boots.

  II. Note to Mom and Niomi: there is no naked holiday photograph taken while drunk in Ibiza and covered in sunscreen. Honest.

  III. That’s your family, not mine. I mean, my family are great and I’m sure they’d like you, but that would be weird. Oh, and I know every family is different. You might be like me and have stepmoms or stepdads. You might have grandparents rather than parents. Or you might have two moms or two dads. It doesn’t really matter. If you love them and they love you, they can all be supportive in their own way.

  How I came to be a YouTuber is a pretty crazy story. As a young kid I knew I didn’t want to go down the traditional education route. I know it works really well for lots of people, but it just wasn’t for me. I hated the fact that my life at school was being decided by coursework and exam results, and the thought of going through college, while picking up debts for tuition fees and living costs along the way, freaked me out. I was put off.

  I’d always had a bit of
a business head growing up and was often looking for different ways to make money, even when I was a little kid. When I was about twelve years old I went around the house finding random things to put on eBay, like Pokémon cards and Game Boy stuff. I later sold my old drum kit for about $300. But I became even more creative as I got older. Like the time when I was fourteen and my mate Dave told me his brother had sold concert tickets on eBay for twice the face value. That excited me. I liked the idea and thought I’d give it a go.

  Wow, I thought, I can make so much money from this!

  I scanned the gig-listing websites online and I noticed that George Michael (one for the moms out there) had just announced a big show in London, so I convinced Dad to lend me some cash.

  “Reckon I can borrow fifty dollars to buy some tickets, please?” I said. “George Michael’s coming to Wembley; it’s going to be huge and I know I can sell my tickets for double the price, easily. You’ll get fifty dollars back straightaway, and I’ll make fifty dollars profit.”

  Luckily he agreed, and within days my tickets were going up in value—$50 to $110, and then $140. The experience gave me a real sense of moneymaking; I got a lot of satisfaction. It also opened me up to the idea of (slightly disreputable) business entrepreneurship, rather than the traditional educational system, which was viewed as the only way of becoming successful at my school. (The lawyer has told me this can be illegal now, so don’t try it yourself. Sorry!)