The Darkest of Shadows

by Lisse Smith

  “I’m so glad that you did.”

  “So am I.” I threaded my fingers through his as they rested over my stomach. “I don’t know how it happened,” I admitted. “I certainly made every effort to not fall in love with you. It crept up on me. I knew that I cared for you, and I convinced myself that I was allowed to have that much, but I would never have admitted that I loved you. I would never have allowed myself that.”

  “What made you realize?” he asked. “Was it something Isobel said?”

  “Not really, but it was in that moment that I realized I was actually in love with you,” I told him. “She isn’t a bad person; she is just trying to be the wrong sort of person. She thinks that she should be like all the other women who throw themselves at you, the sort of person that you once thought I was. I tried to explain to her that she can never compare in a field like that, because there will always be someone prettier, someone new who comes along. If she wanted to stand out in your world, if she really wanted to know Nicholas, then she should try to be herself. Nicholas would never let her know who he really is, unless he could respect her, and as it was, there wasn’t much to respect about the image that she was portraying.”

  “You’re going to start a new trend of independent, extraordinary women,” he predicted.

  I shrugged. “I doubt that.” I wasn’t sure that Isobel was strong enough to break away from the stereotypical society bride. “She couldn’t understand that I didn’t care what you were, she can’t see the difference between what you are and who you are,” I explained. “I told her that I didn’t care what you did, what influence you have, what power you had, that I loved the mind inside the body, I loved the person no one else knew. If you lost it all tomorrow, I would still love the man, not the private jet.” I snuggled closer to him. “It took me a minute to even realize what I had said. It all came out so easily, probably because I was in shock about Dad, but it just spilled out, and then when I realized I’d actually admitted that I loved you, I broke down and ran.”

  “I followed you.” He kissed my shoulder.

  I smiled. “I noticed.”

  “How do you feel about loving me now?”

  I searched through my heart and mind and rationalized the truth. “It hurts less today than it did a week ago.”

  He didn’t take offense to the word “hurt.” He understood what I meant, and it was OK. “Do you think that it might continue to hurt less each day?”

  “I think that it will hurt a lot more to walk away from you, which is my only other option, so I think that I will learn to deal with the fear and just hold onto you all the more tighter.”

  “What is it that you fear?”

  “Losing you. That you will leave me like Harry did.”

  “Harry didn’t leave you, Lilly,” Lawrence corrected. “He was taken from you; it was his time, and there is a whole lot of difference between the two. I won’t ever leave you. I can’t promise that my time won’t also come up, but that is God’s will, and neither of us can fight against it.”

  “Just thinking about it makes my blood run cold,” I admitted.

  “What can I do to help?”

  “Nothing.” This was my problem. “I just have to learn to deal with it. To compartmentalize it, so that I can push the fear away, forget about it enough that it doesn’t dominate my every waking moment. I can’t promise that it will ever go away. I’m pretty sure I’ll always fear losing you, but I can try to work around the fear, so that it’s not a part of our everyday lives.”

  “OK.”

  “There’s something else that you should know, too,” I said. I wasn’t sure how he would feel about this; I wasn’t sure I had the right to even ask. “You need to understand this, so that you can work out if you can live with what I’m going to tell you.”

  He breathed in a deep breath. “I can live with a lot Lilly, but not having you in my life is not one of them. Tell me what you need.”

  OK. “I love you.” I told him. “And I love Reed and Duncan, and I love her boys, but I will never be them. I will never be in the happy family group. I loved Harry; I still love him. I didn’t fall out of love with him, he just left. I have a husband, Lawrence, a wonderful man, and I won’t replace him.”

  “What do you mean?” Lawrence’s voice was even, but still I detected a certain stiffness to it.

  “Harry was and always will remain my husband, and I love him. The old Lilly is still married to him and still loves him.” I tightened my hold on his hand. “The new Lilly loves you and wants to be with you always, but that Lilly can’t get married, because it would feel like she was betraying Harry.”

  I sighed. “I’m sorry that this probably sounds stupid, and you haven’t even asked me to marry you, and you might not have even thought about it, but I just wanted you to understand before it was too late that it would never be an option.”

  “You love Harry,” he acknowledged.

  “The Lilly that existed before, the one that was married and had a child and lived in Newcastle with her family, she loves Harry,” I corrected.

  “And that Lilly still exists inside you?”

  I nodded. “She always will, to a certain extent.”

  “And that’s not the Lilly who loves me?”

  How could I explain this to him better? “Are you the same person that you were twenty years ago?” I asked him. “The man who loves me, the man who sits here today, is he the same person that walked onto the grounds of Harvard University all those years ago?”

  “No.”

  “Could that man have handled a half-crazy woman who complicated his life?” I queried. “Would he have held on as tightly as you have, or would he have walked away?”

  “He would have walked away,” Lawrence admitted finally.

  “The old Lilly isn’t gone, she just thinks differently than who I have grown into now. She never would have been able to love you, because she loves Harry. The decisions that you made as a twenty-year-old aren’t wrong, they were just made by a different person than you are today. So please understand that when I say that I love you, that it’s who I am today, who I will continue to be for the rest of my life—that person loves you and will continue to do so.”

  “You really are one complicated woman, Lilly,” Lawrence said. “I don’t think you will ever stop surprising me, and as long as the Lilly I hold in my arms never stops loving me, then I can live with the fact that part of you, a small part of you, still loves your husband.”

  “Thank you.” God, I loved him.

  “For the record,” he added, “I would have asked you to marry me. Not because I think that we need the ceremony, or because I can’t live without having that institution as part of my life, but because it would have made me happy to have everyone else know that you were mine, officially mine.”

  “I’ll always be yours, and as long as you and I both know what’s real, that’s all that matters.”

  “You’re right.” He shrugged. “Maybe some of your attitude will rub off on me, and I’ll realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think or believe so much.”

  “I’m sorry to make it this hard,” I said apologetically.

  “I’m sorry that you have to live with what you do,” he told me. “You are asking very little from me, while I know that to even continue this relationship will cause you a lot more pain than it does me. Thank you, Lilly.” He kissed me. “Thank you for having the strength and the courage to give me a chance when it comes with such fear for you.”

  “I love you, Lawrence.”

  “Now it’s my turn to tell you something,” he told me seriously. “And please trust me that I didn’t do this to hurt you, and I haven’t told anyone, ever.”

  “What did you do?” I asked and tried to keep the worry out of my voice.

  “I already knew about your husband, about the accident,” he stated flatly.

  My heart sunk in my chest and I felt the first tinges of betrayal. “How long?”

  “I
had you investigated before I offered for C&N.”

  “You’ve known all this time?” I pushed away from him. “You knew?” He nodded, and my mind ran a gauntlet of horror, relief, shame and betrayal. “How? Why? I don’t understand,” I stammered.

  “You know me well enough now to realize that I never do anything unless I’m completely sure, and I could never be sure unless I know all the facts.”

  I was shocked, not shocked that he had managed to find out, not shocked that he had known all this time, but shocked that I had never imagined that he would do that. I should have known, because he was thorough, methodical. He would have had me investigated before he allowed me into the inner sanctum of his world. I should have realized that.

  “Oh, my God,” I breathed and he moved uncomfortably on the bed before me.

  “I didn’t realize when I started what I would find, and I’m sorry that invading your privacy hurts you, but I’m not sorry that I found out, because it helped me to understand you. And I hope that it made it easier for you in the long run that I was there when you needed me.”

  He was right. He had betrayed me, but at the time he was only doing what he should have. Monterey Enterprises was his life, and there was no way, then or now, that he would have allowed someone inside with the amount of trust that he gave me without knowing everything about him or her. Too many corporations had been bought down from the inside out.

  “I’m not upset that you had me investigated,” I told him honestly, then shrugged. “I would have done the same.” What did surprise me was that he had known all along. He knew my past two years ago, and still thought I was worth the fight. And he was right about another thing: probably the only reason we had been able to get to this point in our relationship was because unlike Patrick, Lawrence didn’t push me. He didn’t question my strange behavior—he didn’t have to, because he knew where it stemmed from, and he let me deal with that, he helped me deal with that. “I’m glad you know,” I said, and he looked surprised.

  “You’re OK?” he asked, and hesitantly reached out for me again. When I came willingly back into his arms, he relaxed.

  “Yes,” I assured him. “Because it’s exactly like you said. Knowing helped. You knowing, even though I didn’t know it at the time, it helped me to deal, because it gave you the knowledge to not fight me. To accept and understand the way I acted, and what I was and was not capable of handling.”

  “I’ve never told anyone,” he said. “Not Nicholas, not William. No one.”

  “I think I’d like them both to know,” I told him. “Eventually. Maybe not today, but I’d like them to understand.”

  “We’ll take it slowly, one day at a time; and when you’re ready, we’ll work out how to tell them together.”

  “I’d like that,” I replied, and the thought of those many days, months, years to come with this man left a happiness in my soul that I hadn’t thought I would ever feel again.

  I sat up before him, and he watched as I untied the belt on my robe, letting it fall off the side of the bed, leaving me naked and exposed. Then slowly, one button at a time, I undid his shirt to expose the hardness of his chest, the long length of his stomach, and the fine line of hair that trailed further down to disappear beneath the waistband of his jeans.

  “I don’t know why I’m this lucky,” I told him, as I straddled his hips, his hands coming up to rest gently on my waist. “I don’t know how I found you, why I found you, but I do know that I love you, Lawrence Monterey, and I find myself certain of the fact that I’ll never let you go.”

  Twenty

  Eight months later I found myself sitting on a beach in the Caribbean, with Lawrence lying on his stomach on a lounger next to me. It was my birthday, and we were there for a whole week, no interruptions, no appointments, and no disruptions. Well, almost no disruptions.

  “Aunt Lilly!” For such a small person, Ryan’s voice packed a punch. He skidded to a stop before me on the sand and spent a good five minutes showing me the intricate colors in a piece of coral that he and his brothers had plucked from the edge of the ocean.

  “That’s wonderful, Ryan,” I told him, and turned and watched as he raced back to join Oliver, Daniel, Toad, and four of Lawrence’s nieces by the water. Reed and Duncan were still in bed in the huge house that sat just behind us. It had twelve bedrooms, each with its own bathroom, and a huge pool, which I personally thought was unnecessary, considering the house sat about ten meters back from one of the most private and spectacular beaches in the world. It had its own staff, including a chef and massage therapist, and it sat in isolated splendor on its own private island.

  And it was all mine! The house, the island, the beach, everything.

  A birthday present from Lawrence, and officially, in Reed’s estimation, the most friggin’ amazing present ever.

  A chorus of squeals from down the beach caused Lawrence to sit up with a grumble; then he lay back down on his side, one hand stretching out to rest gently on my rounded stomach. “Do you think he’ll be as loud as Ryan?” he asked me, a deep sense of pride in his voice.

  I was four months pregnant, not planned. I’d been shocked to find out that I was carrying Lawrence’s baby—shocked, terrified, horrified, but that lasted all of about five minutes, until I saw the absolute joy and devotion that poured from Lawrence when he picked up the little stick and read the word “positive.” In that moment I realized that this wasn’t horrifying, that it was a life, a baby. I’d never replace my lost children; this wasn’t a replacement life for the ones I’d lost. This was real, this was Lawrence’s child, and I knew I would love it with everything there was in me.

  Lawrence had given me so much in the last few years, but the greatest gift of all was a future. Without him I would have barely lived, biding my time until the end came, but now, I had something to live for, something precious and wonderful. I didn’t know if this gift was a boy or a girl, and I didn’t care; it was a combination of Lawrence and me, and it would be beyond perfect.

  Lawrence and I were floating in the water when Nicholas joined us a while later. We were about chest deep in the water; I had my legs wrapped around Lawrence’s waist, and he was letting us float gently over the waves as they rolled past us. I had my head resting on his shoulder, so I didn’t notice Nicholas until he was standing beside us in the water.

  “I like the house, Lilly.” He grinned in appreciation. “Think I could get used to this.”

  I knew I could. Reed and Duncan weren’t the only ones who had come along for the grand reveal. Frost and Charlie were here, of course, and Lawrence had invited Nicholas and William, along with his mother, his sister, and all seven of his nieces; so it was a familiar and extremely loud group spending their days lazing around in the sun. This wasn’t the first time I’d met his family, we’d made a quick trip to visit them a few months ago to share the news of the baby, but it was the longest period of time that I’d spent with them. They were nice. Very normal and grounded. Very like Reed and Duncan. The girls, they were even more than Lawrence had warned. I still couldn’t remember their names, but they adored Lawrence, and for that I would welcome them into my life.

  That Nicholas had chosen to invite Isobel hadn’t surprised me. They had become something of a regular item in the last few months. I was happy to take some of the credit for that miraculous development, but not much. Isobel had taken enough from my words that night at the restaurant and had promptly pulled out of the glittering world of high-end business and enrolled in Oxford University. She was using some of the money she had earned as a wannabe society bride and was studying International Law. I had to give her credit; there was obviously an intelligent brain in that head for her to have gotten into the degree, and as far as I was able to tell, she was loving it.

  Nicholas liked the new, improved Isobel much better than the last one and had actively pursued her until she finally agreed to a date. The rest, they say, is history.

  I gave Isobel a smile as she walked into the wa
ter to join Nicholas. We weren’t exactly friends, but I respected that she had the courage to change and I thought that with time, we could eventually have more than a casual acquaintance.

  “You guys are going to turn into prunes if you stay out here all day,” Isobel said, as she dropped down into the water to swim around us.

  “Probably,” Lawrence joked.

  We were in a kind of dreamy daze. Neither of us had much to say; we didn’t need to. Almost from the moment we had arrived, we had eyes only for each other, and not for a moment of my time here would I allow him to be out of my sight. I couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t touch him enough, couldn’t get close to him enough—and the nights, well, they just weren’t long enough for what we shared.

  After dinner that evening, Lawrence and I walked along the beach and out to the point at the end. The sky was clear and the moon full, which gave everything a silvery bright luminosity.

  We stared out at the ocean that stretched forever before us, and he held me in his arms.

  “I love you, Lawrence,” I breathed into the night air. “Thank you for the gift. It’s beyond words.” And to me it was, because it was for both of us, it was our own personal escape from life, and I had no doubt that we would be here a lot in the years to come.

  “There’s more,” he told me, and reached into his pocket to pull something out. “I got you something, and I hope that you will accept it as I mean for it to be given.” He opened his hand and revealed a huge diamond ring, a single solitaire so brilliant that the moon reflected off its depths and speckled my body with its shimmering radiance.

  I turned my gaze from the ring to his face.

  “It’s not an engagement ring,” he promised. “I don’t care what finger you wear it on. I just want you to have something of mine on you at all times. I want people to look at you and see that ring and know how much you mean to me.”