Cut and Run

by Amy Elizabeth

  Not all of us choose to take the easy way out.

  She shuddered as she remembered his heated words to his mother, realizing that she’d just done exactly the same thing.

  Rebecca was startled to look up and discover that the train was all the way at Griggs Street–six stations past her stop. With a weary groan, she hauled her suitcase across the platform to wait for the next one. Half an hour later, she found herself at last standing on the green lawn of Boston University–the fulfillment of a lifelong goal. She waited for some swell of pride or accomplishment, but it didn’t come. As she looked around at the tearful parents hugging their kids goodbye, the only thing she felt was lonesome.

  She made her way to the admissions office and queued behind a long line of other freshmen. When she reached the desk and received her welcome packet and room assignment, she studied the map and located her new room in the Warren Towers. It was a nondescript gray and contained the bare essentials–two twin beds, two desks, two closets, and a too-small window that overlooked Commonwealth Avenue.

  A pretty Asian girl with cropped black hair was unpacking a box on one of the beds, and she looked up when Rebecca entered. “Hello,” she greeted, politely extending her hand. “I am Sun, from Korea.”

  “I’m Rebecca. From here.”

  Their conversation ended there, and Rebecca was glad. She moved mechanically as she unpacked, merging her summer in Wyoming with her new life as an east coast college student. She cringed when she pulled out the panda bear her brother won at the county fair, remembering how much they’d laughed that night. She hugged it for a moment before she set it on her bed and retrieved Star’s halter. The comforting scent of leather and horse filled her nostrils as she hung it in her closet.

  “You have horse?” Sun asked.

  “Yes. She’s in Wyoming.”

  “That is nice.”

  She nodded and forced a smile. Sun seemed pleasant enough, but Rebecca found herself missing Allison terribly. Somehow she didn’t picture her and Sun staying up late, laughing and gossiping over shots of tequila.

  Another wave of loneliness struck her as she and Sun headed across campus to the first orientation session, where thousands of freshmen buzzed around the foyer of the huge auditorium.

  “Join our sorority!” one girl cried over the noise, handing her a piece of paper with Greek letters written across the top.

  “Are you interested in student government?” another asked.

  Rebecca pushed her way through the crowd, accepting flyers for a dozen different organizations she had no interest in joining. She had almost reached the auditorium when the epitome of muscle-bound jock stepped directly in front of her.

  “Hi there,” he greeted, flashing a mouthful of white teeth. “What’s your name?”

  She stiffened. “Rebecca.”

  “Rebecca, I’m Chad. We’re having a party tonight at Sigma Alpha Epsilon. I’d love to see you there.”

  She hadn’t even been on campus for three hours yet, and already someone was hitting on her. “I have plans tonight,” she said curtly, pushing past him and racing for the auditorium.

  *

  Susan called her cell phone constantly during those first few days. “Karl told me about the letters, honey. And I’m so sorry for what you found in our bathroom. But please talk to me. I want to apologize to you face to face.”

  Rebecca promptly deleted the message.

  Weeks passed in a blur. Before she knew it, she was buried in history and psychology textbooks and was already working on her first research paper about the Asch conformity experiments. She enjoyed her classes but found that she had difficulty concentrating, especially if she was alone in the dorm. Her eyes would wander to Star’s halter and she’d start thinking about Alec, and she wouldn’t get anything accomplished. She started studying at Boston Common or the Public Garden, where reminders of the summer weren’t staring her in the face.

  Sun proved to be a courteous roommate, spending most of her time down in the library or reading at her desk. For the most part, Rebecca was grateful for the language barrier. The girls chatted a couple of times, but Rebecca didn’t go out of her way to get to know her.

  “When you see your horse again?” Sun asked one night.

  “I don’t know. Someday soon, I hope.”

  “You have boyfriend?”

  Poor Sun had no way of knowing what a painful question that was for her. “No.”

  “I thought maybe you do and he is far away, like your horse.” She gave a gentle smile. “You always look sad, like you are missing somebody.”

  Her mother continued to call every few days, begging her to meet for lunch, but Rebecca always erased her messages. Jeff called her, too, and Allison, every week. They’d been dating for a month now and sounded genuinely smitten with each other. Even Tommy called her a couple of times, to see how college was and give her the goings-on around the ranch. The only person who didn’t call her was Alec, which both relieved and disappointed her. She missed him so much it almost made her ill.

  To cheer herself up, she spent some of the money she’d saved and splurged on a ticket to a Red Sox game. It was play-off season, and Fenway Park was only a short walk from her campus. She bought a Fenway frank and loaded it with relish and mustard, then settled in to enjoy the game. She had a good time, but it would have been much better shared with a friend.

  Mostly, though, she was engrossed in her classes, which were challenging enough to demand her undivided attention. One morning in her American history class, her professor conducted a lecture on the settlement of the west after the Civil War. This has got to be a sick joke, she thought as she watched the slide show of old-west photos, from ranches and horses to saloons and snow-capped mountains. It was all she could do not to have a total nervous breakdown in the middle of the auditorium.

  Just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, she entered the common area of her dorm and passed a fellow student strumming his guitar. Of all the songs in the world, the one he had to be playing right at that moment was American Pie.

  *

  Soon it was October, and the chill in the air announced the arrival of autumn. One Friday night, while she was alone in her dorm studying, her cell phone rang. Figuring it was Allison, who was due to call her that evening, she picked it up without looking at the number.

  “Hello?”

  There was a brief silence. “It’s me.”

  Rebecca dropped her pen, startled to hear Alec’s voice. “Hi,” she managed to say. “How–how are you?”

  “I’m fine,” he replied, though his voice sounded strained. “How are you?”

  “I’m…good. Fine, yeah,” she said, caught so unaware she nearly toppled off her chair. “Studying a lot.”

  “Good.” He cleared his throat. “How’s your leg?”

  “It’s getting better. How’s your shoulder?”

  “Same here. I finally got out of that sling last week.”

  A tense silence passed. Rebecca gripped the edge of her desk with white knuckles as he spoke again. “I was just calling because I have some news about Star.”

  Her heart plummeted to her feet. “Is she okay?”

  “She’s perfect,” he assured her. “Dr. Truman was here doing some routine blood tests, and we found out she’s in foal.”

  She gasped. “What?”

  “She’s pregnant.”

  “I know what in foal means,” she replied with a laugh. “I can’t believe it! How? When?”

  “Well, there’s no way she was already pregnant when we found her, so the only thing we can figure is she must’ve been in heat the night of the fire, when all the horses were loose. Looks like Onyx took advantage of his status.”

  Rebecca’s spirits soared. “When is she due?”

  “Late May, early June. Sometime in there.”

  “That’s wicked awesome. It’s going to be a beautiful foal, with Onyx for a sire.”

  “I think so, too.” He paused. “Anyway, I
just wanted to let you know.”

  “Thanks,” she said, glancing longingly at Star’s halter. “I guess that gives me an excuse to come out next summer, then.”

  There was an awkward silence. “She’s your horse, Bec. You can come see her anytime you want.”

  Alec hung up the phone without saying goodbye. While part of her was overjoyed by the news that Star was pregnant, the other part of her was crushed that he hadn’t said he missed her or tried to continue the conversation. Feeling like a deflated balloon, she slumped in her chair and turned back to her psychology book. She stared blankly at the page, reading the same paragraph over and over again, before she set it aside and opened her chemistry book. The equations danced across the paper in meaningless squiggles, making her eyes cross. With a frustrated sigh, she shoved that book aside too and dropped her head on the desk.

  As if on cue, Sun bounded into their room. “So I just talk to this guy Brian,” she said, beaming as she leaned against her bed. “He invite us to a party at his frat house. You want to go? Will be so much fun.”

  Out of nowhere, anger coursed through Rebecca’s veins. She’d left everyone in Wyoming to come back east and have a full college experience, and so far she’d done nothing except hide in her dorm room. She thought of the detached tone in Alec’s voice, and she felt furious at herself for pining after him when he clearly wasn’t doing the same for her.

  “Let’s do it.”

  She pulled on a pair of black stockings to hide the scars on her leg and slipped into the backless dress she’d worn on the Fourth of July. “Wow,” Sun said. “Nice dress. I have perfect shoes for you.” She grinned when her roommate handed her a pair of stiletto heels. “Want me to do your make-up?”

  Rebecca nodded, thinking how nice it was to have a friend again. Sun sat her down on her bed and produced a dizzying array of cosmetics, skillfully applying bold colors to her face. When she finished, Rebecca studied her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t look like a frumpy country bumpkin, that was for sure. No, she looked exactly how a college freshman going to a fraternity party should look. Sun stepped into a glittery silver dress and a pair of heels herself, and they eagerly headed to the off-campus chapter house.

  Already she could hear rock music blaring from inside as they passed beneath the white portico of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. The house was in an uproar as the girls entered, a hectic mass of sweaty bodies surrounded by a thick cloud of cigarette and marijuana smoke. A rush of adrenaline flooded through her as she entered the familiar urban atmosphere.

  She was most definitely not in Wyoming anymore.

  The fraternity boys whistled appreciatively as she and Sun squeezed down the hallway towards the kitchen, which boasted more bottles than a liquor store. “What should we drink?” Sun shouted over the ruckus.

  Rebecca reached for the bottle of Jägermeister. “This.”

  “Allow me, ladies.”

  She turned to see Chad, the good-looking guy who had approached her during orientation. “Rebecca, right?” he said, sending her a mega-watt smile. “Glad you could make it.”

  “Thanks,” she replied, clinking her shot glass with his and Sun’s and downing the potent liqueur.

  They knocked back four straight shots before popping open a couple of beers. Rebecca’s mind was as numb as her lips as she leaned against the countertop, swaying in place to the deafening music. Sun saw a friend of hers and pushed her way through the crowd, leaving Rebecca and Chad alone in the kitchen.

  “You shoot pool?” he asked.

  “I was born shooting pool,” she replied, taking a long sip of her beer and following him into the lounge.

  He racked up the balls and handed her a cue. “I know you from somewhere.”

  She rolled her eyes as she leaned over to break. “Sure you do.”

  “No, I mean it. You’re from Southie, aren’t you?”

  She paused and looked up at him. “That’s right.”

  “I’m from Braintree,” Chad said as he watched her skillfully hit the cue ball. “But I know we met at a party or something a while back. I definitely remember you.”

  Rebecca grinned when the seven ball rolled into the corner pocket. “Whatever you say, Chad,” she replied, thrilled to see that she could still shoot pool like a pro. He didn’t stand a chance as she easily won three games in a row.

  “Again?” she challenged.

  He shook his head. “I think I’m being hustled.”

  “You’re wicked sharp for a Braintree boy.”

  Chad chuckled and leaned his cue against the table. “How about another drink?”

  She didn’t object to his offer or his gesture as he slid his arm around her waist. They joined a group of his fraternity brothers in pounding back three more shots of Jägermeister.

  “She’s from Southie,” Chad announced as she set her shot glass down amidst thunderous applause. “She can out-drink this entire house.”

  “Damn right I can,” she said, eliciting another round of cheers.

  In truth, she’d never had so much to drink in her life. Nor had she ever been surrounded by swarms of handsome young men. She had to admit, though, that she loved the spotlight. It had been a very lonely couple of months, and it was nice to be the center of someone’s attention again. Wyoming wasn’t even a thought in her mind as Chad took her hand and led her towards the living room, where everyone was dancing to the loud music.

  To her surprise, they kept right on going–past the living room, down the long hallway, and up the staircase. Rebecca giggled and clutched onto his arm, swaying precariously in her heels as they reached the top of the steps. It wasn’t until Chad closed the door to his bedroom that she finally sobered enough to understand where she was–and what would happen next.

  “There. That’s better,” he said, motioning for her to join him on the bed.

  She stood frozen in place, her eyes fixed on the lines of white powder across his nightstand. Chad followed her gaze and chuckled.

  “Of course. You’ll definitely appreciate this.” He picked up the rolled dollar bill and offered it to her. “I actually got it off a kid in Southie. Jimmy O’Neal. You know him?”

  She took a step back, her stomach lurching violently. The whole world began spiraling as she glanced from Chad to the dollar bill to the lines of cocaine.

  What am I doing here? This isn’t me anymore. This was never me in the first place.

  Chad raised a brow. “Hey, are you alright?”

  Rebecca shook her head, knowing she was going to be sick. The room whirled in circles as she tripped over her heels and half-fell into his bathroom, clutching onto the doorknob for dear life. She slammed the door shut and collapsed in front of the toilet, where she vomited uncontrollably. When she was done, she wiped her mouth and locked the door, slumping down on the cool tile floor.

  Some time later, she jerked awake, groaning as the room continued to spin. Her knees were bruised and her entire body was stiff from the hard floor. It felt like a sledgehammer was crushing her skull as she rose to her feet and surveyed her haggard reflection. Black streaks of eyeliner were smeared across her cheeks, making her resemble some sort of hung-over football player.

  Hesitantly she opened the door and stepped into the bedroom. Her eyes widened when she saw Chad passed out on the bed, entangled with a half-naked brunette. Only one thought went through her mind as she pulled off her stilettos and raced for the door.

  I’m so glad that’s not me.

  Rebecca squinted against the morning sunlight as she jogged back to her dorm. She felt disgusted with herself as she threw on a sweatshirt and jeans and shuffled out the door. Miserably she wandered down to the Public Garden, taking her usual seat on the bench beside the swan pond. A young couple drifted by in one of the Swan Boats, kissing and cuddling and shrieking with laughter. She watched them enviously before she dropped her head into her hands, feeling her entire throat constrict.

  Then, for the first time since she’d left Wyoming, she was
finally able to cry.

  *

  The following week was mid-terms. In an attempt to rid the disastrous night of the party from her mind, Rebecca buried herself in her studies. When she started having difficulty remembering the elements for her chemistry class, she gave her brother a call, figuring he’d have some good tips for her.

  “Hey,” he greeted. “Alli’s here, too. Let me put you on speaker.”

  Rebecca’s sigh echoed around her empty dorm room. “Hey, girl!” Allison cried. “How’s it going?”

  “Not too bad,” she replied, trying her best to sound happy. “What are you up to this weekend?”

  “We’re going hiking. The leaves are peaking and it’s just perfect weather for it.”

  “They’re turning here, too. But I’m too busy studying for my mid-terms to really notice.”

  “Still having a tough time with chemistry?” her brother asked.

  “Actually, that’s why I was calling, but I didn’t realize Alli was up this weekend. You can give me a call back tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. It’s no big deal.”

  There was a long silence. “Bec,” Allison said gently, “we saw Alec in town last night.”

  Rebecca felt like she’d been kicked in the stomach. She could almost hear the three unspoken words on the end of that sentence–with someone else.

  “We were having dinner and we spotted him at the bar,” Jeff added. “He was there for a couple of hours.”

  “With who?”

  “What do you mean, with who?” her brother retorted. “By himself, dummy.”

  The tension drained from her muscles. “Oh, God, I thought you meant you saw him with someone else.”

  Allison gave a mirthless laugh. “After all the two of you went through, you really think he’s going to rush out and find somebody else?”