Thou Shalt Not

by Jj Rossum

  When the service was over, people came by to express their condolences, but truthfully I don’t think I remember hearing any of them. And I couldn’t recall the faces of anyone who stopped by.

  I had told her parents that I wanted the graveside to just be us, family. I didn’t want all these people traipsing out there with us to see her buried. I didn’t even want to see it, didn’t think I could stand to watch, but I knew I sure as hell didn’t want anyone else there with us. They obliged and informed everyone before the service of my wishes. I know it must have been a pain, but I was grateful to them for doing that. I felt bad having to tell Walt and Robin they weren’t welcome, but they were as gracious as ever and told me they understood.

  I sat on the grass, Indian style, as they lowered the casket into the ground. I had no tears left to cry, and it didn’t seem like the rest of the graveside attendees did either. There would be more later I was sure, but for then they were depleted.

  A hand found my shoulder, and Linda sat down next to me on the grass, despite being in a beautiful, if not slightly somber, dress. I looked up and Bill was standing behind me. He wanted nothing to do with the ground, and while I couldn’t blame him, I had no desire to get up either.

  “Hey, Luke,” she said, giving me an all-encompassing side hug. She was on my right and Bill was standing over my left shoulder. His right hand was on my shoulder, just above the arm of his wife.

  “Bill and I just wanted to thank you,” she said, beginning to choke up. On a normal day, I would have expected to also start blubbering like a baby, but nope, I was dry.

  “When Carrie was little, we prayed she would meet someone who treated her right, who loved her and took care of her. Someone we could trust to protect her. We are so thankful she found you.”

  “Even though you guys probably got married a little too young,” Bill piped in from behind me. I could hear the smile in his voice, but it was a sad smile. I didn’t have to turn my head or look up to know it.

  “We will continue to be part of your life as long as you want to have us in it. Carrie was our only child, and when she brought you into our lives, we gained a son.”

  Bill squatted down next to me on the left, large black sunglass lenses blocking eyes that were sure to be red with grief. I knew he treasured his daughter, and while he was mostly the silent type, I was certain he was still a wreck inside.

  “Look,” he said, his hands on his knees to help keep balance. “We know you guys had to sell just about everything to be able to afford to pay all the medical bills. You guys have been using Carrie’s old car, and I want you to have it. I know it’s not much, and if we could give you something more, we would. But, we just want to help in any way we can.”

  Bill wasn’t much of a talker, and these might have been the most words I have heard him use in one sitting.

  Carrie and I had bought a new car (one of our poorer decisions) right after we got married, and we sold it to be able to keep up with all the doctor bills. Carrie’s car, the Roller Skate, had been hers in high school and her parents had kept it in their garage until Carrie asked them if we could use it again. It was quite a downgrade, but people paying huge bills don’t have the luxury of being prideful. They don’t have the luxury of any sort of luxury, really.

  “Thank you guys,” I said. “I hadn’t thought about what I would do about a car. I really appreciate it.”

  Linda gave me another big side squeeze.

  “Just remember, you will never be a stranger with us. You will always be welcome in our home. We both love you and are so grateful for you and all you did for Carrie.”

  With that she stood up and asked Bill for her purse. She pulled out an envelope and handed it to me. My name was written across the front, in Carrie’s nearly flawless handwriting.

  “She said not to give you this until today.”

  With that, they walked off without goodbyes. They left me to the letter, and I was thankful for that.

  I never thought handwriting could stir up emotion, but the tears that I assumed were gone and dried up returned. It was like an old friend you hadn’t seen in awhile—you thought they were gone, didn’t expect to see them, and then BAM.

  The envelope crinkled in my hand as I gripped it, then loosened my grip, then tightened it again. I couldn’t tell you for sure, but I probably stared at my written name for ten minutes at least. There wasn’t anyone left by the graveside besides me.

  Finally I opened it up, and if the tears hadn’t already come roaring back into my life, they would have returned as soon as I started reading. Knowing she had touched the letter, had hand-written it just for me...I was overwhelmed and overtaken with emotion. I laughed. I cried. Mostly I missed her.

  Luke,

  I was tempted to start this letter with “If you are reading this, then that means I am dead,” but that’s so cliché! (And look at me, I technically started with it anyway) I know this is stuff I have told you before, but you were always the writer, so I don’t think I ever put it down on paper for you. Better late than never, yes? I love you so much, Luke. I fell for you the day I saw you walking through the hallway on my first day at Lakefront, and I have been in love with you every day since then. You’ve been my best friend, my better half. I may have lived a pretty short life, but God let me have you to make the best life I could have asked for. If I had to do it again, knowing how this all would end, I would do it in a heartbeat. I could fill a thousand pages with memories, times we shared together that flow through my mind and heart all the time. But, we could have been eating spaghetti at the dinner table or pillow fighting in bed…it didn’t matter because it was with you. I cherish every moment we’ve spent together, and I am so grateful for who you are to me. You’ve been the love of my life, Luke, but now that’s coming to an end. It’s time for you to find the true love of yours. I know it won’t be easy, and I know you are probably shaking your head telling yourself there’s no one else you could love. You might even wish you could tell me to shut up. God still has great things for you, and I know He will bring you someone who can heal your hurt and give you the love you need. They will come along when you need them most. I know that, because I have prayed for it for months. The right one for you will probably have been in front of you the whole time. I know you, you won’t be paying attention. But, don’t let her slip through the cracks. She will never love you like I do, but nobody is perfect. ;-) Thank you, Luke. Thank you for every kind word and loving kiss and for making every day worth living and worth fighting for. I will love you until eternity stops. Or until the Cubs win the World Series. Whichever comes first.

  Always,

  Carrie

  The days that followed Robin’s death were a blur. I went through bouts of rage and sorrow, like the Jekyll and Hyde kind of grief. Holly stayed with me through it all. I wasn’t sure I even wanted her there, but I was grateful that she was. She knew that I needed space, and that I didn’t want or need to be coddled and told everything would be okay. When I threw things, she picked them up without saying a word. I threw lots of things.

  The funeral was going to be on Wednesday, and I had no intention of going back to work at least until after that. I didn’t want to miss a whole week with the kids, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think I could handle it. I sent videos, as much as I hated doing that. I was sure the kids wouldn’t mind a week of movies, since her death had certainly affected them as well. There were going to be counselors that the kids could talk to and be able to deal with their grief. Robin had impacted so many lives.

  I visited Walt Sunday afternoon after one of my rage spells died down. I knew he needed support, and while I was the last person to probably be able to give it, I had to try. We basically just sat around and went between bouts of mourning and also sharing what we loved about her, what we would miss. I know it had to be therapeutic for both of us on some level. We hugged before I left, and I promised to be there for him like they had been there for me. I meant it.

  Wednesday mor
ning came, and I was dreading the funeral with everything in me. Holly offered to go with me to make sure everything would be okay. I told her how much I appreciated the offer, and it was true because I really did. But funerals were bad places for me, and I knew I would need space. She understood. She even told me I could borrow her air-conditioned car so that my clothes wouldn’t be drenched when I arrived at the church. Lately, we had become much more about the friends than the benefits. I could feel the shift, but I was okay with it. She really was a good person.

  I got ready that morning and picked out the tie of mine I knew was Robin’s favorite. I liked fun, colorful, sometimes wild ties, but she always complimented my white paisley tie the most. It was the only paisley tie I owned, and I knew I would always associate it with her.

  I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror mentally reciting Landry’s rabbit story as I tied my tie when my phone buzzed. It was a text from a number I had never seen before.

  Hey Luke, it’s April. Got your number from Ken, hope that’s okay. Just wanted to let you know everything is going well with your classes, but it’s not the same around here without you. Hope you are doing all right.

  I read the message probably twenty times in a row as my tie dangled from around my neck.

  She’s just being polite, I told myself. What would you expect? She’s a nice lady who knows your friend just died. Don’t read anything into it, dumbass.

  I didn’t care that what I was telling myself was true. She reached out, and it really meant a lot to me. I had gotten texts and calls from people hoping I was okay, but none felt like this one did. This one wasn’t expected at all.

  I wasn’t sure how to respond back. I went through a hundred different responses and settled with: Thank you, April. Glad to hear things are going well. I’m doing okay.

  I hit send and then immediately regretted it. I should have sounded nicer, not like she was bothering me or something.

  God, I was an idiot. Of all the things I could have said in response, she probably thought I thought she was annoying me or being insincere.

  My phone buzzed again.

  :-) If you get a chance, and feel up to it, do you think you could stop by my classroom while you are down here?

  I was torn. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anywhere near Robin’s room today. The funeral was going to be in the Lakefront church sanctuary, which was on the same campus as the school. I hadn’t planned on going anywhere near Robin’s classroom or my own.

  My phone buzzed again.

  Oh god, I’m a terrible person. I’m sorry. Can you just text me if you get a free second and I will come find you instead?

  She had been thinking the same thing I had been, and immediately apologized. God, this woman was something else.

  Holly had been showering behind me, and emerged, hair wet and body draped in a towel. To me, there isn’t anything sexier than an attractive woman with wet hair. It just...makes my brain stop working. And stuff. Add a body only covered by a towel, and normally I’d be a goner.

  As if reading my mind and wanting to punish me for thinking it, she wrapped her dirty blonde hair with a towel that made it look like a giant white beehive was sprouting out of her head. Surprisingly, this was still nearly as sexy.

  “I don’t think I have seen this particular tie before,” she said, placing her hands on both sides of it. She began to tie it for me, most certainly not to the tune of a rabbit’s song. I was tempted to recite it for her, but decided otherwise.

  “I break it out on occasion.”

  “I really like it. It’s...sexy.” Her voice trailed off as she finished tying a perfect knot. I was really impressed. It was better than most knots I ended up with, although mine were usually a bit rushed. She might be worth keeping around solely for this one skill. Thankfully, she possessed more.

  “Well, sexy wasn’t exactly what I was going for,” I said. “I don’t think this is a dress to impress kind of event.”

  “Hey,” she said, mock slapping me, “I didn’t say everyone was going to want to jump your bones or anything. I just know if you are still wearing it later this afternoon, I’m going to.”

  We hadn’t had sex since the night Robin had been taken to the hospital. In the past, this kind of delay would have bothered one, if not both of us, or we would have at least mentioned something about it. She had spent a good chunk of the weekend working though, and I probably hadn’t been all that pleasant to be around. Up until this most recent round, the whole point of the friends with benefits thing was the pleasant supply of benefits, but this time we were spending more time talking and just...living, I guess.

  Despite the circumstances, the idea of her jumping me sounded like one I could endorse completely. And she could tell I liked the idea. It was tough to hide things in dress pants.

  She took the towel off of her head and shook her hair around a little, loosening it up.

  I had to hand it to her; she knew what I liked.

  I suddenly realized that I hadn’t responded to April’s text yet, and hoped she wasn’t thinking I was pissed off at her for being insensitive or something.

  “I should get going,” I said, sliding my phone into my pocket. I don’t know why I felt like making sure she didn’t see my phone, or the messages. She had a boyfriend, for god’s sake.

  “Okay, just return my car in one piece.” She smiled.

  “I can’t be blamed if it comes back with a few dents and bruises,” I teased. “Florida drivers are awful! What are you going to do today?”

  “Well,” she frowned, “I’m meeting Kyle for lunch. He had said he wanted to see me. But, I’m going to break up with him.”

  “Oh wow,” I said. “Really?”

  “Yeah, I just can’t deal with his shit anymore. It’s exhausting.”

  I had heard some of the stories and I was surprised she had even stayed with him as long as she had. Of course, there were always at least two sides to every story. Maybe he wasn’t all bad, but I would certainly take her side in a fight.

  “So you’ll be back tonight?” I asked. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat hopeful her answer would be yes. And no, not simply because of the possibility of being jumped.

  “Yeah, I mean, if that’s okay?”

  “Absolutely. You know it’s cool.”

  “Yeah, but you know if you ever get tired of me you can just say ‘Holly, go the fuck home’ and I won’t be offended or get all girly on you, right?”

  “I know,” I smiled. “But you haven’t been nearly as annoying as other times, so your lease isn’t up quite yet.”

  I winked, for the third fucking time in like a week. I was going to have to threaten my eyelids that they might be getting cut.

  Then she reached up and placed her hands on either side of my face, pulling me in for a kiss. My hands went instinctively for her toweled waist. The kiss was slow and sloppy. Her tongue darted over mine, ever so briefly, as if teasing me for later. Her lips found my bottom lip and tugged it gently toward her as she pulled away.

  “If I don’t leave now,” I said, becoming more aroused each minute I stayed in the bathroom, “I might as well not leave.”

  “Go,” she said, pushing me out the door. “Now. But feel free to come back later.”

  When I got into the car and turned the keys into the ignition, my face was greeted by an unfamiliar blast of air conditioning, and my ears were greeted by a slightly more familiar blast of Pink. Pink was one of Holly’s favorite singers on the planet, and ever since the release of her new album, Holly had admitted to listening to it on repeat. She could find a song she loved and listen to it over and over again for hours. It could be slightly frustrating at times if I didn’t like the song she was over-killing, but I had to admit it was a pretty cute quirk of hers.

  I pulled out my phone, knowing I needed to text April back quickly. I reread her last text.

  Oh god, I’m a terrible person. I’m sorry. Can you just text me if you get a free second and I will com
e find you instead?

  Oh, you’re fine. No worries :-) Sure, I’ll text you afterwards if I don’t run into you, I responded.

  I had no clue why she wanted me to find her. My mind could go in a million different directions and probably would. Maybe the distraction would be nice.

  To my surprise, she texted back almost immediately. Perfect. See you soon.

  The funeral was scheduled for 12:30, and I had been told that school was only scheduled for half day so that any students who wanted to attend could. Afterwards, there was going to be a reception type thing back at the church. I guess reception is what you’d call it? Celebration of life, maybe? I’ve heard that phrase thrown around from time to time, but I’ve never really been sure what it referred to.

  The sanctuary was packed with family, friends, teachers, students, and anyone else who had been affected by her life. I sat near the front, directly behind the family. I wondered if April would come to the funeral out of respect, or if perhaps she would just hang out in the classroom until it ended. She could go home, I guess, but then she wanted to see me afterwards so maybe she was staying for the reception. Since I was sitting so close to the front, I couldn’t very well turn around and scope out the building.

  Believe it or not, I hadn’t really given it much thought in the wake of what happened, but as I sat waiting for the funeral to start, I realized that there was a very good chance April could end up filling Robin’s spot. Perhaps not permanently—that would obviously depend on how well she was doing as determined by the powers that be. But, Principal West made it seem pretty clear the other day that April came very well-qualified, so the odds seemed to be in her favor early.

  This would obviously mean that she and I would be working together closely, literally and figuratively. April would have the unpleasant task of taking over for a beloved teacher who had been at the school for as long as most of the students could remember. The only potential positive I could think of for April was the fact that the school year was still very early, and this year’s crop of students might not have developed quite the attachment to Robin as they might have, say by Christmas time.