by Roger Ma
I saw it happen to a lot of my colleagues. Sure, many were educated, learned professionals, but there were just as many in the business because they looked good with their shirts off. Shredded glutes, ripped obliques, rectus abdominis muscles so cut that you could insert a quarter between each muscle. “He looks diesel; he must know what he’s talking about.” Turns out a lot of them didn’t, at least when it came to having a body that helps you survive the living dead rather than attract a mate.
There was this one trainer I knew from my gym—Billy. Everyone called him “Mr. Anatomy” because he looked like one of those science posters that display all the muscles on the body. I lost touch with him after the initial outbreaks. Then, by sheer coincidence, I saw him in the infirmary of a rescue station months afterward. Stroke of luck that I recognized him, really, because he barely looked like the man I knew. Billy wasn’t infected, but he didn’t look much better than a lot of those things. He must’ve lost a quarter of his body weight and was suffering from rhabdomyolysis, where the muscle breaks down so fast that the kidneys start failing. His hospital gown hung from his shoulders like it was on a wire hanger.
To be fair, no one could have expected or planned for something like this; instead of dialing up for takeout or passing through the drive-through, now we all have to work for our food. We’ve returned to being a hunter-gatherer society. People also realize that you damn well better have some meat on your bones. Because now, we’re not the only ones out there hunting.
—Jim, Personal Trainer, Los Angeles, CA
Diet warrants only the briefest of discussions. This is because during a zombie outbreak, you will most likely not have the luxury of eating properly. Depending on the length of infestation and availability of supplies in your region, you may not be able to consume a balanced diet for very long, and may soon be eating for survival, not balanced nutrition. This is particularly true if commerce and commercial shipping are disrupted as a result of the rising number of walking dead.
During instances of minor infestation, your pantry supplies hopefully can sustain you with an adequate quantity of carbohydrates, proteins, and calories. One food item that may be beneficial to store in quantity is a high-calorie nutrition bar. Typically eaten by endurance athletes, mountain climbers, and soldiers, these nutrient-dense bars supply vitamins, minerals, and calories for active individuals. Food purists may argue that this type of product is merely a highly processed, glorified candy bar. Although this may be true of some brands, many are nutritionally complex and, more important, conveniently portable, a beneficial asset should you have to quickly abandon your fortification with your food supply in tow.
During a modest undead epidemic, you should consume a normal quantity of food as long as you possibly can while monitoring your overall food supply. Do not ration yourself too strictly, particularly at the outset of an infestation. Remember, your body will need to expend a considerable amount of energy to sustain your muscle mass and endurance while you are fending off attackers, reinforcing your stronghold, and evacuating the area if necessary. In fact, it is to your advantage if you carry a few added pounds on your frame, which your body can use as stored energy if supplies run low. Without an adequate amount of fat on the body and minimal food intake, your system will burn the only energy source available—muscle mass, leaving you weaker and more vulnerable. This is especially dangerous for the ectocombatant body type. Although it may be attractive during peacetime, an extremely low body fat level and a “ripped” physique during a zombie attack could potentially cost you your life. This does not, however, give you an excuse to overindulge in order to shore up your fat reserves. An unconditioned, overweight physique is just as dangerous as one that is too lean.
During large-scale outbreaks that last for a significant duration (more than twelve months), you will most likely be limited to “survival subsistence,” which means ingesting anything edible in order to keep your body functioning. This type of diet is not conducive to long-term health, but may be required given your specific circumstances. In the most dire of outbreak scenarios, you may need to survive on the poorest of food choices—soda, candy bars, and snack foods—because these items are generally plentiful and contain enough preservatives to prevent them from turning rancid for years. You should resort to this type of consumption only if you have no other alternative, and only as a stopgap measure until the time comes when you can forage for healthier food sources. Fighting the living dead on this type of diet may help you reach the next rescue station, but it will not sustain your combat abilities for long.
During times of peace, you are encouraged to maintain a healthy diet composed mainly of whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and lean protein. You should avoid meals consisting entirely of simple or processed carbohydrates such as white flour and sugar, which cause excessive spikes in energy levels followed by spiraling lows. To reiterate, this is peacetime eating; during an outbreak, you should consume whatever nutrients are available to stay alive. Do not be overly obsessive on your actual weight, but focus instead on your overall fitness level. The healthier you are during times of tranquility, the longer you will survive during a time of undead chaos.
MENTAL PREPARATION
Many warriors have acknowledged that the most difficult part of preparing for and winning in battle is not the physical exertion, but the mental challenge. Nowhere is this truer than when fighting the living dead. Not only must you overcome the psychological absurdity of defending yourself against a walking corpse, but you may also face the unfortunate situation of having to do so against a ghoul that was once someone to whom you had a close, personal connection.
As a result, it has often been stated that in order to survive in a zombie-infested world, you have to become somewhat of a zombie yourself. It is vital that you detach your feelings and emotions from the threat you face. Zombies are not friends, not family, not serene, otherworldly creatures. The only thing the undead should represent is a violent threat to your life and the lives of any remaining humans in your care. You cannot afford the time or the luxury of waxing philosophic about zombies in your proximity: who they were, how they were infected, how they ended up in front of you reaching for your throat. Your only objective should be to either evade or eliminate the threat.
This detachment, however, can be mentally taxing, particularly if you had an emotional attachment to your opponent. Perhaps the zombie is a young child or teenager, a neighbor, a teammate, even a member of your own family. It takes tremendous mental fortitude to look past the association you had with the formerly human individual lurching toward you and eliminate the oncoming threat to your life. Here are some techniques that may help you in this task:• Ignore superficial appearances. The more time you spend examining the personal effects of what connected the zombie with his or her former living existence, the more vulnerable you are, both physically and emotionally. It does you no good to notice that she’s wearing designer earrings or that you like the band on his T-shirt. Look past clothing, jewelry, eyewear, and any other trinket that would make the specimen seem more human in your eyes.
• Pinpoint attack targets. Once you confirm that the individual in front of you is indeed a zombie and presents an impending risk, focus on how you will eliminate this threat. Zero in on the most vulnerable targets. Concentrate on key weaknesses such as the strike points described earlier—neck, temple region, and occipital area: Which of these targets is the most exposed and ripe for attack?
• Avoid eye contact. A living human’s eyes have often been described as the windows to the soul. Similarly, peering too intently into a ghoul’s pupils may cause you to believe that you have witnessed a flash of their former humanity: intelligence, fear, sadness. You have not. Many victims have psyched themselves into becoming zombie fodder by making this mistake. Do not do the same. Target a vulnerable area, eliminate the threat, and move along.
Post-Undead Combat Trauma
Hand-to-hand fighting of any kind is one of the most unsettling
types of combat any human can experience. Trained soldiers who have had to terminate opponents in non-ghoul-related warfare have stated that the most traumatic of all events were incidents where they needed to do so with a hand-based weapon, such as a bayonet or a truncheon. Zombie combat can be even more distressing, given that it occurs not just between professional warriors, but among the civilian population as well. Combat with the living dead is also the type of conflict in which only one combatant is left standing at the conclusion of an engagement—ideally the living one.
An entire manual can be devoted just to dealing with the emotional stress of fighting the undead. For untrained citizens required to eliminate a walking corpse to survive, the range of emotions felt after a successful combat engagement can be overwhelming, and similar to the posttraumatic stress experienced by warriors after human combat. During an extended outbreak, individuals may find themselves isolated, their only interaction being with the undead. Cases have been documented of individuals who faced these circumstances and, upon rescue, launched into unprovoked attacks toward anyone with whom they come into contact, living or undead. A diagnosis has emerged from the medical community specifically pinpointing these unique types of maladies—PUCT, or Post-Undead Combat Trauma.
As much as we try to detach ourselves from the human element of our attackers, there may be times when you experience feelings of extreme remorse, regret, and unhappiness for having to eliminate an undead attacker. These feelings are completely normal and do not imply weakness, cowardice, or lack of nerve. It is recommended that you confront these feelings honestly and allow yourself to work through them when the opportunity and safety of the situation allows. Discussing these feelings with others who have shared similar experiences can help dissipate these painful thoughts. If the mental trauma does not subside and becomes increasingly unbearable, it is advised that you seek professional medical assistance from a physician expressly qualified to treat victims of PUCT.
COMBAT REPORT: THOMAS DONNER
Store Manager, ShopMaxx Super Stores Bedford, Ohio
Tom Donner and I speak at the Paterson rescue station where he’s been residing for the past six months. He is a young, prematurely graying man, wearing what looks to be the same uniform he wore on his last day of work, the day he is describing to me. Like many survivors I speak to, I attribute his detachment to Post-Undead Combat Trauma, but I come to realize that perhaps it is not shock, but acceptance behind his hazel eyes—acceptance of both the living dead and the lengths humanity will reach to survive them.
TD: It’s a logical thought, so I don’t blame anyone for trying what they did. Find a place that has plenty of food, fresh water, and supplies. A place that could become a potential long-term stronghold—somewhere accessible and familiar—and stay put until the cavalry arrives. It’s a great plan for five people, or fifty. Maybe even five hundred. But five thousand? There was just no way. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Al was working the gates as our hospitality greeter. He always arrived at work a half hour before everyone else. I used to razz him about gunning for my job, and he’d just grunt at me. It was late afternoon when we received a message from corporate that we were going to be closing early. That was the first sign that something wasn’t right. Corporate never closed us early. Then we noticed the emergency broadcasts that started flashing on the plasmas in the electronics section.
We started to direct shoppers out of the store so we could begin shutting down, but once people saw what was happening, they just refused to leave. They ran around stacking their carts with soda, canned fruit cocktail, and beef jerky, even though we had already closed all the registers. We finally gave up and just let whoever was in, stay in, and began locking down the gates. Al and a couple of others managed to get them closed, but through the metal slats we saw more and more people headed for our entrance. They were screaming, begging for us to open up. Behind them, I saw at least seven fire trucks and ambulances speed past. Al wanted us to open the gates, saying that we had plenty of room on the floor, but I nixed that idea quick. An hour passed, and the crowd outside just kept growing larger and more frantic. Some held up their babies, pleading for us to just take their children, if not them. That’s also when we started hearing the moans in the distance.
The pounding on the gate became more frenzied as people tried desperately to get us to open up. I saw Al’s hands ball into fists. He screamed that we couldn’t just leave them out there. I shouted back that we couldn’t do it, that management ordered us not to open up, but I’m not sure if he could or wanted to hear me. The people already in the store started backing away from the entrance to get away from the screaming and crying outside. I went upstairs to the office to ring the district manager and ask what we should do when I glanced at the parking lot security cameras. From across the lot, what looked to be a large, heaving mass was moving slowly toward the crowd of people pressed up against the entrance. My call had just connected with the DM when I heard the whir of the gates rolling up.
I dropped the phone and screamed to Al, but when I looked down toward the entrance, he was giving me the finger as he opened up the gates. His extended hand was the last I saw of him before he was trampled by the crowd. The desperate mob that scrambled in under the half-opened gates was so crazed, they made a Black Friday sale look like a quiet Sunday morning. A couple of assistant managers and I fought our way back toward the entrance and managed to bring the gates back down. That’s when I saw Al’s sad, broken body a few feet from the entrance. We got a picnic tablecloth and carried him back toward the storage area. I thought to myself, “Well, at least we’re all safe again.”
That feeling lasted exactly ten minutes. Just as the crowd began to settle and things quieted down, a pair of high beams lit up the entrance. Seconds later, a yellow Suburban crashed through the gates and buried itself in a vitamin display. Behind it, the same gray mass I saw earlier on the security cam—now much clearer, and much more terrifying.
Pandemonium erupted on the shopping floor. ShopMaxx is basically just one big warehouse space, with pallets of merchandise and scaffolding providing the only means of escape. I saw everything from the second-floor office. The image of a kid’s smashed ant farm flashed in my mind. I watched as the decisions people made in those few seconds determined if they stayed alive or were pulled apart by the dead. Whether you turned left or right, if you paused to pick up a purse or a child: These became grave choices.
The most critical decision was the choice of elevation—some people chose sensibly and stationed themselves on solid, heavy merchandise. Others clearly didn’t give it as much thought. They positioned themselves on items that were more fragile—laundry detergent, boxes of diapers, rolls of paper towels. When the dead started going after these folks, reaching and pulling down items on their foundation, it looked like some nightmarish game of Jenga. It was only a matter of time before the whole structure came tumbling down, along with the victims. The only thing worse to see was people fighting for space, pushing others down closer to groping, rotted hands so that they themselves could survive. Ironically, one of the best places to stay was on top of the crashed Suburban. I’m not sure what the driver was trying to do, probably a smash-and-grab of supplies. He was beaten to death by the survivors even before the dead could get hold of him. After seeing victim after victim tumble down into the mouths of waiting dead, I couldn’t stand it any longer.
ZCM: What did you do?
TD: What else could I do? I escaped through an office window on the second floor.
ZCM: You didn’t try to help them?
TD: No.
ZCM: Didn’t you feel guilty for leaving those people?
TD: I was just a company employee for ShopMaxx, and I had to comply with the company’s policy. If Al had listened, maybe he’d be alive today, too. If you’re looking to blame someone, blame those customers. They’re the ones who acted like animals, and they made their choices. They chose to stay. They chose to rush in and ransack the place. They
chose to throw others to their death while saving themselves. I had already done more than enough.
It could have been a nice setup there. We might have been able to ride it out for at least a month, maybe more. But it’s always the same thing, no different than when we have a “limit two per customer” sale. There’s always a selfish asshat that ruins it for everyone.
Donner looks down at his grimy, stained ShopMaxx vest. It is dotted with a variety of ornamental pins and badges. He unclasps one exceptionally glossy button and casually tosses it onto his cot. It reads “Employee of the Year.”
IV.
WEAPON SELECTION
You don’t want to go into battle with anything that feels less than perfect.
—LOU BROCK
Facing the living dead in combat is, first and foremost, a weapon-based art. Although we will later address strategies to face a walking corpse completely unarmed, most of your engagements should involve the use of an appropriate hand weapon.
Finding the ideal weapon and technique to use against the living dead requires a personalized approach. As you continue to train and develop your fighting skills, you will find yourself more proficient at certain tactics than others. Your preferences for particular combat ranges and techniques will also become apparent. Because of the inevitability that you will have to engage in zombie combat at a distance that is not your preferred method, and because one weapon will never be appropriate for all situations, it is advised that you gain moderate competency in all ranges covered, and equip yourself with at least one weapon to cover each designated combat distance.
