“No. Stop being a jerk. That’s not what happened at all.” I punched his arm.
“Olivia, out back,” my father called from the patio door. No doubt dinner was coming from the grill again. My dad loved that thing as much as he probably loved us.
I headed outside to join him, thankful for the warm sun on my skin. It was a perfect summer evening. I hated the way Miles never felt like he was home anywhere. This feeling – the familiarity of it all, the warmth and love of my parents, the annoyance of my little brother – this was every bit of home to me. Standing around the grill talking with my dad was always one of my favorite ways to spend time with him.
“What’s up, Dad?”
“Just making your favorite dinner, of course. Bleu cheese bacon burgers.”
“Are you trying to win my love too? Mom bought me a new dress to wear for the wedding on Saturday. It’s like you guys are in competition for my adoration.”
“We’re just trying to cheer you up.”
“Come on, I’m not that sad and depressed, am I? Is it all over my face? What is it?”
“You’re just…off. Your spark is gone, that’s all. We can fix that with blue cheese.”
“Right, cheese cures everything,” I said dramatically.
“I do want to talk to you while I have you out here.” His expression turned more serious.
“What is it?”
“Can we talk about him? Miles?”
“I’d rather we didn’t. He’s out of the picture. Literally. I don’t even know where he is. I don’t think he’s in Grand Harbor anymore.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“What are we, girlfriends?” I giggled. “I can’t talk about it with you. It’s too weird.”
“Why did he leave?” I was surprised by the direct question. My dad stared back at me with a solemn look on his face.
I shrugged, not sure how to really answer that. “He wouldn’t tell me. That’s what went wrong. He had all of these secrets. He just…I don’t know, something changed one day, and I still don’t know what happened. We were getting really close, and then…well, it’s like he just shut down. But without knowing what happened, it seems I can’t do anything about it. I thought maybe he owed someone some money, but then he got all weird, saying his secrets were actually protecting me… None of it made sense. Everything is a complete and total mess.”
“That’s all you know?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why are you asking me like that? Do you know something?”
“Did you love him?”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
“Just answer me, Olivia. Do you love him?”
“Yes. No. I mean, I did, before everything…”
“That’s all I needed to know.”
“Dad, what aren’t you saying?”
“Love does strange things to people. I’m a testament of that. The first time I saw your mother…”
“I know, you never saw anything so beautiful,” I cut him off. “Dad, I already know the story.”
“Only the first half.”
“What do you mean?”
“That’s not the last beautiful girl I ever fell head over heels for the moment I saw her, Olivia. She was the first one, sure. But she wasn’t the last one.”
“What?”
“You. The second I saw you, it hit me and I knew I’d never be the same again. That’s the strangest thing about love. Your mom – that one made sense. The sunlight hit her hair, and it lit up my entire world. Anyone would’ve been lured in by her. Literally, any man could’ve loved her instantly. I just happened to luck out by seeing her first when I walked into that English class, so I was able to snatch her up before anyone else was wise to it. But the way I fell for you – that’s a different kind of love. It’s the messy kind. Proof that love isn’t clean and beautiful like a soft ray of sunshine cast across a pony tail. By the rest of the world’s standards, you were actually hideous. You were all purplish and squishy and your eyes barely opened. Your skin was all shriveled and your head was a weird shape. You probably would’ve scared away small children…”
“Dad.” I rolled my eyes.
“Sometimes love is a mess in disguise, Olivia. That’s what I’m trying to say. Ironically, messy love is sometimes the best kind because it catches you off guard when you least expect it. Despite your shriveled up face, somehow you were still the most beautiful girl my eyes had the pleasure of seeing. Everything changed then. Everything. And I didn’t see it coming. Not in that gross, squishy, purple package.”
“What’s your point, Dad?”
“Love doesn’t always look the same for everyone, that’s what I’m getting at. It’s not always like the fairytales your mom read to you when you were little. Your mom and I – our story, as perfect as it may seem on the surface - it was still messy. We fought and we cried and we challenged each other. But the worst parts of us – they can’t hold up to the strength of someone loving us.”
“Why are you saying all of this right now? What does this have to do with Miles?”
He paused, choosing his words carefully. He shook his head. “You’re right, maybe now isn’t the time for this conversation. I guess weddings just make me a little mushy. Sorry. Someday that’s going to be you, you know. Imagine what I’ll be rambling about then.”
“Lucky for the both of us, we have years before that’ll happen,” I replied with a soft laugh.
“All I’m trying to say is that the best love stories find us before we’re ever ready for them, Olivia. That’s my point with all of this. I didn’t expect to meet the love of my life at sixteen. And I sure as hell didn’t see it coming when you showed up almost twenty-four years ago. Yet here we are. Love in its messiest form still finds its way in, and it distorts your ideals and changes you in dramatic ways that you never saw coming. Real love is forever, Olivia. If I’m sure of only one thing, that’s it. At least take that away from this conversation. No one is guaranteeing you that it’s easy or magical or perfect. Sometimes it’s ugly and downright messy, but if it’s real, it’s still yours and you don’t let go of it – no matter how bad things seem.”
My dad’s words seemed too dramatic for this situation. I understood what he was trying to say, and I appreciated his sentiments. But surely he was only talking about the way he loved me. He didn’t know the situation between Miles and me. I wondered where all of this was really coming from. Perhaps it was just the reality of my best friend getting married, no doubt reminding him he could someday be giving me away as well. The saddest thought though about that notion was the fact that I wasn’t even wanted by anyone now. The kind of love he talked about seemed so far away from where I was at now.
“Are you sure you’re going to make it through Saturday? You’re already a mess, Dad.”
“Let’s hope I’m so lucky,” he replied.
*****
The night before the rehearsal dinner, I felt like I needed to clear my head. I felt overly emotional lately, and I hated it. It felt like just days ago I was jumping into hotel pools without a care in the world, laughing on the beach with Miles, playing volleyball with my friends, staying up all hours of the night on Miles’s boat, tucked away in some cove nearby.
I drove through the gated neighborhood, eager to visit my favorite spot overlooking Lake Michigan. This was a perfect evening to sit out on the rocks, staring out into nothing. I brought one of my notebooks with me. I’d written down small little phrases or quotes while I was with Miles – things he said that made my heart flutter – things I felt for him. I hadn’t done this since eighth grade, but I felt ceremonious all over again, like maybe throwing my words into the water could really rid myself of incessantly thinking about Miles and wondering how things went so wrong.
I pulled my car up to the cul-de-sac where I usually parked, annoyed to see an ugly brown Duster already parked there. Hopefully they were guests of a nearby house instead of someone visiting the beach area below.
I climbed out of my car and headed down the old rickety wooden steps. No signs of life down on the beach. Thank heavens. I wasn’t up for any polite social interaction with strangers right now. I kicked my shoes off before hitting the sand. It was cold on my feet, but felt familiar and comforting nonetheless.
I set them down in the sand by the rocks and headed behind the big boulder to my favorite spot – the one no one else knew about.
Yet there he was, sitting down on the rock - my rock, staring out into the nothingness that was meant for me.
“What are you doing here?” I seethed.
He quickly stood up. “I just…I wanted to…” Miles couldn’t get his words right.
“No. No! You do not get to be here. This is my favorite spot. You’ve ruined so many things, but you don’t get to ruin this too. This is my favorite place, Miles. I told you that.”
“It’s mine too, V, because of you. I didn’t know where else to go. I waited for you at the Carlisle Hotel. Remember what we agreed to? If things ever went sideways, we would meet there and get it all back. Remember that? We were supposed to go there and get those moments back, V, when everything was perfect…”
“You don’t get to do this, Miles,” I repeated, feeling the emotion rise in my throat. “You don’t get to pretend that it’s even possible to go back to what we had.”
“Run away with me, V. Let’s leave Grand Harbor and start over. We can have it all. Every moment, every feeling we had before life got complicated, we can still have all of that. We can start over.”
“Leave Grand Harbor? That’s your solution to all of this?” I crossed my arms, feeling angry. “Running away is not the answer, Miles. Starting over doesn’t fix something this broken. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Then how does it work? How do we get this back?”
“We fix the mess. That’s what people do. You don’t start over, you fix it. You can’t do that by running away. My entire life is here.”
“This is just a place, V.”
“You don’t get it, do you? Yeah, this is a place. It’s a dot on a map that may be insignificant to the rest of the entire world, but this place is my home. Every person I love is here, every place I go, like this exact spot – it’s everything that makes me feel the world, Miles. When the sun sets over the beach, that is every bit of home to me. People can say that dumb quote all day long, what is it? Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling. I call bullshit. This place is part of everything I feel, Miles. That cove over on the west side – that place is the spot where I fell in love with you, jumping into the freezing lake at midnight. That pier where we went to our first concert together – I can drive by that spot, and feel your arms around me all over again, just looking at that stupid old lighthouse. You are now part of this place to me, Miles. I don’t want a new place to love you. I want to love you here.”
“Would you risk everything for it?”
“Yes! Yes, I would. I’m not afraid of this, Miles. Whatever you’re not telling me – all the secrets you’ve kept from me – none of that scares me. But you, being dishonest – that’s the part I can’t handle. You can’t get through life like that. Look, I get it. Sometimes love is messy. My dad recently lectured me about that for half an hour, ironically enough. I’m not expecting an easy road. Especially not with you, trust me. But your secrets, Miles – you have to leave them right here, right now. This is the place for secrets. If you tell me what’s going on, we can save this.”
“It doesn’t work that way, V. My secrets aren’t mine. They affect other people. The fix is leaving. That’s the only way I know how to make this happen. That’s it. That’s the only option.”
“It isn’t.”
“Don’t make me do this, V.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t make me say goodbye for good.”
Chapter 17
“Is this an ultimatum? Is that what we’re resorting to? That’s why you came here?”
“It’s the only way, V. You have to run away with me. That’s why I’m here.”
“This isn’t fair, Miles. You can’t do this. Not here. This is my spot. The place I go to when I’m already feeling broken. This is my solitude and my peace, and you do not get to ruin that by bringing heartache here.”
“I lost a bet, V. There, I said it. The worst one I’ve lost yet.”
“I don’t care about your money, Miles.”
“That’s not the bet, V. Not money. I’m talking about the one I placed when I said I was all in. I promised you that. The most tragic part of this – I was never ready to fold, but you’re forcing my hand.”
“Your lies forced your hand, not me.”
“I’ve meant everything I’ve ever said to you. All of it. I just want you to know that. I’m not pretending to be this great, perfect guy. This is literally the best version of myself. Or was the best version of me anyway, when I had you. But this is it. My grand plans failed. They do all the time. I have virtually nothing left but a name I wasn’t even given. I have no disillusions about the fact that I’m not everything you imagined falling for. But I’m here, V, ruining your spot – ruining your life – because I don’t know how to save you and leave you all at once.”
“There’s nothing to save me from, Miles.”
“But there is. If I stay in Grand Harbor, your life will fall apart. It’s inevitable. It will break you, and I know I’m not worth that. So instead, I’ll leave for good, knowing it will only break me. That’s the only thing I can think to do.”
“Both options feel like heartbreak, Miles. Stop pretending like either of us wins in either scenario. It feels like I’m losing either way. Just go already!”
“You’re finally saying it? You’re asking me to leave?”
“Apparently I am.”
“I love you, V. Know that. In spite of everything you think I’ve screwed up, I feel the same way about you as I did the first night we spent together.”
“Miles, stop.” I brushed a tear from the corner of my eye. “If you’re going to walk away, then just do it already. You know how – you’ve done it enough times. But let me tell you, this is it. This is the last time you will ever get to walk away from me. You’ll never get to do it again, so be sure.”
“I love you, V,” he repeated. He leaned down, pressing his lips to mine. I wanted to pull him in closer, but I couldn’t. This was hard enough as it was. “I didn’t ruin your spot. When you sit here, think of me from the beginning. Think of all the good stuff. That’s still something worth smiling about.” He looked back at me with sad eyes, and I hated the emotion on his face. He was choosing to leave me. I had to keep reminding myself of that. This was all his choice, not mine.
“Goodbye, Miles.” It was barely a whisper escaping my lips, but there it was – out in the open, carried out by the wind, lost forever. He turned around and slid back through the large boulder and I collapsed on my favorite rock, once again sobbing into the sunset in what felt like an eternal replay of my life.
*****
The rehearsal dinner for Sophia and Lance was perfectly executed. Although frail, Grandma Eve still looked like she was enjoying herself and I was so glad she was able to witness all of this. Lance’s parents gave a nice speech, and Sophia’s dad, despite their strained relationship, he looked touched by all of the love pouring in for his girl. We then headed over to my parents’ place to rehearse the ceremony.
“Why do you look so sad,” my dad commented quietly as we stood around watching the pastor instruct Sophia and Lance on their cues for the unity candle.
“I’m just having a bit of a rough time,” I replied with a crack in my voice. “Ugh, see, this is what I mean. I can’t even have normal conversations anymore without getting all choked up. What am I doing?”
“Is this about Sophia? Or you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe both? I feel like I’m losing two important people this week. Everything just…sucks. I mean, I’m happy for Soph. Obviously. But I miss being able to ta
lk things out with her, and she’s understandably been preoccupied lately. And Lexi, she’s more heartbroken than I am at the moment.” I wiped a tear off my face. “I just wish things were…easier.”
“The good things in life – the things actually worth it – are never the easy things, dear girl. That’s how you know they’re the right things. That’s life’s cue. The things that destroy us are often the things that save us. Sometimes destruction is the push we need to rebuild. Sometimes the complete and total obliteration of our dreams is what we need to realize what the right thing actually is. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.”
“Why?”
“I told you, I know how life works by now. I’ve been madly in love twice, remember?”
“What about Seth?”
“Eh, I tolerate him.” I giggled at his response. “I worry about him staying alive, and about how chivalrous he is, and about his general happiness, sure. But having a daughter – it’s just…different. Your heart breaks for them in ways it doesn’t for a boy. Your mom, she’s the one who gets to carry Seth’s heartaches. But me – I carry yours.”
“Well you don’t need to, Dad. You’ve made me tough. I can handle this. It’s just a dumb break-up. I’ve done this before.”
“But this one is different. I can tell.”
“How would you know that?”
“The way you’ve been too scared to bring him around for starters,” he said with shrug. “That terrifying feeling of the possibility of disapproval - that’s a real thing, Olivia. I understand it better than you think. Your mom didn’t let me meet her parents until after we eloped. I never told you that part of the story, huh? I was the poor kid from across the tracks who would never become anything, remember? Ironically that’s how I got here, in a quest to prove them all wrong. Now as an adult, I suppose the lesson on that is that you couldn’t disappoint me even if you tried. If he loves you, then he’s done right by me already, even if that’s all there ever is.”
“Dad, you’re making this worse.”
The Weight of Forever: (Grand Harbor: Book Two) Page 14
