Masked Definitions

by A. E. Murphy

  Why am I doing this? Why am I crying? Why am I drinking in the street like a teenage idiot, wandering home to a man who has controlled my life for longer than I’ve lived it, or so it feels?

  I have a man who doesn’t trust me and yet I’ve moved onto another man, his brother, who also doesn’t trust me.

  This has gone on too long and I only have myself to blame.

  “Mum?” I sniff, the second she answers the phone.

  “Olivia? What’s the matter?”

  “Can you come get me?”

  Decision made.

  I’m done being weak.

  Staying at my mum’s has its perks. For one the bed is always made and her food is amazing. It’s nice to be out of the city too; it’s a lot quieter here. I just hope it stays quiet and Max and Elijah stay away.

  I know it has only been two days and, even though my heart is shredded, I’ve already made a plan of action. Being without Max feels too good. I’m nervous that he’ll find me but being away from him is such a weight lifted from my heart.

  Part of me wonders if I should have waited for him to come to terms with the fact that his brother just fucked him over before I left, but I can’t keep sacrificing my own happiness. I’m going to get ill. Or maybe I’m now selfish?

  “Stop overthinking things,” Mum says as she places a bacon sandwich on my lap.

  I smile up at her and look around an unfamiliar home that I feel settled in already, purely because my mum owns it and lives in it. It smells like her, like peppermint and citrus scented cleaning fluids.

  “You’ll go grey and that permanent frown on your face will give you wrinkles.”

  “How bad has my phone been blowing up?” I ask her. I gave it to her the moment I stepped into her arms the other day. I didn’t trust myself not to get in touch with Elijah.

  I can’t deny the burning ache I have inside. His absence is killing me. I miss him so powerfully it makes me want to stop breathing whenever I think about it. How is that level of emotion possible after such a short period?

  I love him.

  “I turned it off.”

  I don’t blame her.

  “He’ll come looking for me.”

  “Probably.”

  “But hopefully not,” I add in a whisper. Every inch of me wishes Max were the one in love with somebody else, though I’d feel bad for the female subjected to his nature. “I’m going to have a shower.”

  I really do need a shower.

  “She’s not here,” I hear my mum snap as I exit the bathroom, fresh and clean and feeling a little less morbid than before.

  “Andrea, is it?”

  “Elijah, is it?”

  “She looks so much like you,” he states. “Equally as beautiful.”

  I roll my eyes but the compliment touches a sweet smile to my lips.

  “He looks so much like you,” she retorts, her tone heavy with hatred. “Equally as crazy?” I don’t hear a response. I only hear my mum spit, “She doesn’t want to see you.”

  “I know, but I’ve let her sulk for long enough.” He says this part loudly. “I’m not leaving until I see her.”

  My mum clears her throat. “She just left.”

  “Then I’ll wait…”

  “You can’t just come in here!” She screeches as I duck behind the wall at the top of the stairs to hide from him as he barges into the hallway.

  “I’d love a cup of tea.”

  “Does he know where she is?” My mum asks. I hear her nerves and hate that my choices are the cause.

  “Of course not. I may look like my brother but I would never subject anyone, especially your daughter, to his disturbing mind.”

  My mum sighs but, ever the gracious hostess, she can’t refuse a guest, even an unwelcome one. “I’ll put the kettle on.”

  “Fuck,” I hiss and grip the towel tight to my breasts. Rushing into my bedroom, I quickly grab what clothes I can find and tug them on, annoying myself when I get tangled in my shirt.

  I don’t want to go down there but at this point I don’t really have a choice. I feel a bit babyish by ignoring him.

  When I enter the living room, Elijah is standing by the TV admiring the photos of me as a child on the wall behind it.

  “She was such a cute baby.” My mum says softly, smiling warmly.

  Elijah nods his agreement and then his eyes come to mine. Eyes that betrayed me so badly. My own eyes water from the intensity in his.

  “Why are you here?” I ask, attempting to keep my voice level and failing.

  “To see you.”

  “Why?”

  “You know why.”

  My lips part. “I don’t.”

  “I’m done letting you sulk.” He states and his shoulders straighten as his chin raises defiantly. “There’s one thing I have in common with my brother.” My eyes flicker to my mum who is watching the exchange with rapt attention. “I don’t let go of what I love easily.”

  Fuck… he went there. My mum gasps as I stare at him in horror. He’s just opened up a can of worms I’m not sure I wanted opening.

  “I know I’ve hurt you. I know I’ve deceived you, but not in the sense that what we had was a lie. If you tell me, right now, that you’re done, that I’m not worth another chance, I’ll leave and I won’t come back.” That sudden finality sinks in and a flutter panics my heart. “But if you give me one chance to prove to you that despite my deceptions, I love you, I truly care and I won’t deceive you again, I’ll stay and I will do my best to make you happy.” My teeth worry my lip.

  “I’ll go and make coffee,” Mum whispers and backs out of the room and into the kitchen.

  The tears in my eyes that I didn’t want to reveal suddenly spill over and the second that my mum exits the room, Elijah has closed the space between us and I’m in his warm embrace. His lips hit mine and his hand grips my hair to keep me in place.

  “I’ve missed you. Come home.”

  “Home?”

  “Come back to me,” he says quietly as his hand cups my cheek.

  “Don’t lie to me again. Don’t use me again… don’t…” His lips once again claim my own and I feel my feet leave the floor. “Aren’t you worried about what people will say?”

  “No.” My feet touch ground. “We’ll play this carefully, don’t worry. Nobody needs to know our business until we decide to tell them.”

  This is a decision I agree with. “I can’t just… I don’t know if I trust you.”

  “I understand and I appreciate the chance you’ve given me to prove myself.”

  “Why do you even want to?” I ask, narrowing my eyes and projecting every ounce of suspicion I carry outward to him. I don’t let him answer though, as my rational thinking side comes forward and helps me to see sense. “You’ve conned Max. His dad did nothing for him. He deserves something.”

  Elijah nods. “I completely agree, but Max wouldn’t know what to do with it. I’d be bankrupt within a year. If he’s to receive anything, it should be controlled.” His head dips and his eyes hit mine. “I’m going to sound like a bigger bastard than I already am.”

  “Go on,” I implore, though I’m not sure if I mean it.

  “Why do you think I contacted him in the first place?”

  Blink. I stop breathing.

  “To see what kind of man was entitled to the years of hard work my family have endured for centuries.” His admission makes my eyes water. “I know, I’m a cad, but I had to protect myself. Understand that. Max will get all he is owed, but I won’t just hand it to him.”

  I can’t argue with this; it makes sense. “You still lied. You still tricked him.”

  “I did and knowing that I have caused this look on your face and knowing that I have hurt you will bring me no small amount of torment.” His lips lightly touch mine. “I’m sorry.”

  “Coffee is ready,” Mum calls and steps into the room with a tray in her hands carrying three steaming mugs. We separate and Elijah twists my damp hair around his hand b
efore releasing it and motioning for me to sit beside him once he claims a space on the couch.

  “So,” my mum breaks the silence as I stir sugar into Elijah’s drink. “How long have you two been having an affair?”

  “Mum,” I choke, half laughing, half seriously annoyed.

  “It’s interesting… bad… but interesting. At least if it goes sour you’ll be able to make a killing off a self-written novel about your sordid affair with a Duke.” She leans in as though to tell a secret. “She always was a decent writer.”

  Oh dear God.

  “Speaking of which, am I supposed to curtsy or something?” She adds and I want the ground to swallow me whole.

  Elijah laughs at his cup as I threaten to hit my mum with a photo frame.

  “We should get together again,” Elijah tells my mum as we move to leave.

  “Protect her from that psycho,” she responds, her hand gripping tight to his wrist.

  “Always.”

  I hug her and follow Elijah to his car. My bag hands loosely over Elijah’s arm as he opens the door for me.

  “Let’s go do something completely ordinary,” he says, folding himself into the driver’s seat.

  “Like?”

  Let’s go buy a ton of crap, take it home, curl up on the couch and watch terrible films until we fall asleep or I feel the need to fuck you.”

  I laugh a little. “That actually sounds really good.”

  “Good.” His fingers bite into my thigh and I place my hand over his.

  “Am I weak for taking you back so quickly?”

  “No… I think you’re strong for putting your heart back on the path that could cause it the most hurt. Not many people are brave enough to take that leap.” He brings my hand to his lips. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.”

  We drive for a while before stopping at a supermarket and heading inside together to purchase the crap he promised me. While walking around I tell him all about how I want him to give me a job working in one of his clubs. I won’t be a kept woman and my savings will only get me so far, especially when we get to America.

  I imagine it’s not very cheap over there. I don’t want to rely on Elijah to provide for me. Just because he has money doesn’t mean he should be the main provider of everything.

  “I love brioche.” I point to the loaf in the trolley as we wheel it to the tills. Elijah slides his hand over my rear when he thinks nobody is looking.

  Sigh…

  “Yet another thing we have in common.” He begins to unload the shopping onto the belt. I watch as it moves towards the woman, ready to scan. “Max contacted me yesterday, looking for you. He’s… for lack of a better word… frantic.” I shrug. I don’t really know what to say to that. “I didn’t realise you’d left him as well. What forced your hand?”

  “I guess I’d just had enough.”

  “I don’t blame you, but I can’t deny that I’m happy about it. It has all come at such a perfect time. I can push forward the date to travel to the states.”

  I share his excitement and then also his frown when his appears. “What is it?”

  “Am I a bastard for stealing away my own brother’s wife and claiming her as my own?”

  “I hope not, because what would that make me?”

  We share a brief moment of silence as the weight of what we’re doing truly sinks in. He leans across the console and kisses me softly.

  “I love you so desperately; I don’t care what that makes me.”

  “Me too,” I breathe, letting go of the negativity I clung onto before. “In a year’s time all of this worrying is going to seem silly.”

  “You’re right.” His agreement only reassures me further. “Come on, I want to celebrate our rejoining by taking you from behind.”

  Laughter bubbles up and spews forth. “Okay, Romeo.”

  Due to Elijah having commitments within the city we haven’t been able to leave and seek refuge and comfort elsewhere. I don’t mind staying in York but I know that when Max finds out where I am he will come looking for me and to say that I’m scared would be an understatement. I don’t think Elijah truly appreciates the severity of the situation. He’s so relaxed about it all, despite the fact he isn’t allowing me to leave the house without him or one of his security guards.

  Okay, so maybe he isn’t relaxed about it all.

  Max has been calling him, asking him for money to help find me. It’s insane. Over the past two weeks, he has called non-stop. If only he knew.

  It is only now that I truly appreciate the fact I have no social life. It’s less people for Max to target in order to drag me home.

  “Maybe in America I’ll make new friends.”

  “You will,” my mum says. We speak on a daily basis and have visited with each other twice since I left her house two weeks ago. “You’re a sweet, loyal and fierce girl. Anybody would be lucky to have you in their life.”

  “Aww, you soppy cow.”

  “Don’t curse.”

  “Sorry.” I smile to myself. “Are you unhappy with my life choices?”

  “I’m unhappy that your choices have made you unhappy, but I’m still proud of you.”

  “Aww.” I grin and it widens when I hear her sigh. “I need to go. Elijah will be home soon.”

  The line crackles as she moves around “So you’re fully living with him now? No plans to move out in the near future?”

  “Mum…”

  “I just don’t want you to make any rushed decisions.”

  “You’ve said, now stop saying. I know what I’m doing.” I hope.

  “You don’t, but I know you won’t listen to me. You never have.”

  She’s right, I haven’t. “Yolo.”

  “Ugh.” Her grunt makes me chuckle. “Go be happy. You deserve it; just keep me informed on said happiness.”

  Elijah: Going to be late home. I have to meet with Penelope to go over a few terms in the divorce.

  A heavy pang of jealousy and anger strike through me with a force so powerful I lose my breath.

  Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship yet. I always thought to myself that if somebody is getting severely jealous and insecure then they aren’t stable enough to handle being the partner of somebody else. Relationships aren’t supposed to stifle. The person you choose to be with is supposed to support you and be there for you. They’re supposed to stop your stress, not add to it. I’m not naïve enough to think that there won’t ever be stress; I’m just mature enough to know that it shouldn’t be caused on purpose.

  Olivia: Hurry home, there’s a satin set of underwear just begging for you to tear it.

  My phone rings almost immediately. “Are you wearing it right now?”

  “Should I be?”

  “No.”

  Not the answer I was expecting.

  “My sister is going to show up at the house in less than ten minutes. Take pictures of your glorious body before you cover it and send the images to me so I might think of something beautiful as I suffer through this ridiculous formality.”

  My smile stretches my face. “Okay.”

  “Go, pictures, then see to my sister.”

  “Wait… your sister? Won’t she wonder why I’m here?”

  “Not if you distract her.”

  This is insane.

  “But…” I hear Penelope’s voice in the background and let out a ragged sigh.

  “I’ll be home as quickly as I can.”

  I’ll try not to stab her mentally a thousand times. Christ… she’s his wife after all. I stole him from her; I have no right to be possessive.

  Or do I?

  It’s not like I can just purchase a guidebook on how to be the perfect other woman, can I?

  I should Google it.

  After a small amount of research, I discover that there are many articles on how to be the perfect other woman, the perfect woman, the perfect lover. My head is going to explode.

  “Hello?” Comes a high, lilting, pos
h accented feminine voice from the hall.

  Fuck, I haven’t spruced myself up. I look a mess. I’m failing this perfect woman thing already.

  I bet Penelope isn’t.

  No. I mentally berate myself. I will not become the woman that I despise in all of the novels and movies, the weak, insecure one that stifles her partner because she can’t deny her own envy the power she feeds it.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey,” I call back, stepping out from the living area. I look at the TV, which is playing images silently to the room. When did it get so dark? I can’t find a single thing to distract her with. “Elijah isn’t here.”

  “I’m aware of that.” She runs her fingers through her hair and straightens the glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. “I actually came to steal something from his office.”

  “What?”

  “A brooch he bought at an auction.” She grins devilishly. “You were there, actually!”

  I remember the sparkly peacock that he won. “It’s in his office?”

  “Probably, in the safe. It’s not in his other office.”

  “He has another office?”

  Her brows rise. “Yes, another home too. He’s greedy.” He most definitely is.

  I follow her up the stairs. “In the city?”

  “On the outskirts. He’s letting it soon though, or so he says.” She peers at me over her shoulder. Her long, delicate neck twists almost too far and the mental image of her head spinning off makes me snort. “Although I’m not sure how his mistress Ann will feel about it.”

  “MISTRESS?” I shriek, catching myself on the banister as I stumble. Suddenly all of my envy and paranoia feels warranted.

  “Relax,” she laughs. “Penelope knows all about her. I know how chummy you both have become.”

  I think I’m hyperventilating. I can’t breathe.

  Her phone rings and I’m relieved to have the break from her so I can gather myself.

  He has a mistress. My world just shattered. I never thought that it would even be a possibility.