The Battle for Christmas

by Jeremy Strong

  At last Max had to open his mouth. ‘What monster do you think is in here?’ he whispered.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Ellie whispered back. ‘Mice? Rats?’

  Max was grasping his shepherd’s crook tightly. Ellie was feeling exhausted by all the excitement, not to mention the awful disappointment of being captured. They had gathered hugely important information about the Dead Secret Plan but had no chance now of getting it to Blondie and Aysha. She dragged some old dusters together to make a pile to sleep on but when she lay down it was lumpy and uncomfortable.

  Ellie lifted a bit of duster and felt around. Her hand touched something hard. Lifting the duster a bit more she reached in and pulled out something long and slim. It was a plastic leg. The children examined it with curious horror.

  ‘I think this is Aysha’s missing leg,’ Ellie whispered.

  ‘Yuck,’ muttered Max. ‘How did it get in here?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ said Ellie. ‘And I’m too tired to think about it now. I’ve got to have a sleep, a quick nap. You stay on guard. Wake me if anything happens or if you get scared.’

  Max puffed out his chest. ‘I won’t get scared,’ he said, but Ellie was already asleep. Max was as good as his word. He didn’t get scared, but that might have been because within five minutes he was fast asleep too.

  Three or four hours passed before they woke. Nothing had changed. It was still dark. More importantly, no monsters had appeared, which surprised both of them and got Ellie thinking.

  ‘Max, suppose the monster in the cupboard isn’t a monster at all?’

  Max looked at his big sister pityingly. ‘Monsters are monsters, Ellie. They can’t not be monsters. If they weren’t monsters they wouldn’t be monsters, would they?’

  Max’s perfect logic didn’t change what Ellie was thinking. She pointed at the vacuum cleaner. ‘What’s that?’ she asked Max.

  ‘A vacuum cleaner.’

  ‘Let’s call it a monster instead.’

  ‘It’s a vacuum cleaner,’ repeated Max.

  ‘Suppose the Christmas Fairy and her angels don’t call it that? Maybe they don’t know it’s a vacuum cleaner. Suppose they think it’s a monster? The vacuum cleaner doesn’t bother us because we know what it is, but maybe the others don’t. I think that all the toys here – Blondie, Aysha, the Christmas Fairy, everyone – they all think that it’s a monster. Max, we’re not in danger. We are completely safe!’

  ‘Wow! That’s a relief,’ said Max, his eyes popping. Then his shoulders slumped. ‘But we’re still shut inside.’

  ‘Maybe we can find a way out, or a way of opening the door.’

  Max gazed up at the handle, far above them. There was no way they could reach it. Ellie was determined though.

  ‘We have to escape. You heard what the Christmas Fairy said – Marzipan Man is almost complete, and Father Christmas could arrive at any time.’

  Max was cheesed off. Everything was so up and down. One moment they’d be facing death and the next moment the monster wasn’t a monster at all and just when they were getting excited about that they’d discover some other awful problem. ‘I wish we’d never seen those Cosmic Pyjamas,’ he said.

  Ellie sat down beside him. ‘I know. It must be almost Christmas and we’re still stuck here.’

  ‘When we get back home I’m going to burn them,’ Max declared.

  Ellie’s new nightwear had certainly caused a lot of trouble but on the other hand there was something so weirdly mysterious about them that she was both enchanted and repelled.

  Ellie gazed at the puzzling pyjamas in the gloom of the cupboard. Sometimes she thought that each little picture seemed to be part of a story, maybe even trying to tell a story. Ellie found herself wondering if another picture might start quivering, might ‘come alive’, just as the Christmas Shop had, and if it did, what might happen. But there was no trembling picture to save them.

  Instead, Ellie spotted what at first she thought was a worm, or a snake. It seemed to be slithering between all the little pictures. It was difficult to see properly in the gloom. She bent her head close to her sleeve, peering intently, then suddenly she jerked up. It wasn’t a worm or a snake. It was a message. And the message said:

  LOOK IN THE POCKET.

  Ellie was about to show Max when the message slowly vanished, right in front of her eyes. She had seen it for such a short time she began to wonder if she had ever seen it at all, but of course she had.

  What pocket was she supposed to look in? The pyjamas didn’t have a pocket. On the other hand a few moments ago her pyjamas hadn’t had a wriggling message either.

  Ellie began to pat the pyjamas all over, running her hands down her arms and legs. There was an odd ridge under the material near her left ankle. She lifted her foot and felt around.

  A pocket. A small pocket on the inside leg of her pyjamas, down near her heel. Had it always been there? Ellie didn’t think so, it was such a crazy place to find a pocket. She had to roll up the leg to get at it, and when she dabbled two fingers inside she immediately felt something.

  It was a small tube. Now she was certain it had never been there before. Ellie silently showed Max the little tube, and he almost screamed with excitement.

  ‘It says DYNAMITE on this!’

  Ellie nodded dumbly, too fearful to speak. Max was almost jumping with excitement.

  ‘Wow! Dynamite! Where did you get it from?’

  Ellie told him about the message and the pocket.

  ‘How come you never noticed before?’ demanded Max.

  ‘The message wasn’t there and neither was the pocket. They’ve only just arrived.’

  ‘That’s daft,’ Max said bluntly, which made Ellie smile.

  ‘I know, it’s crazy. These pyjamas are kind of spooky.’

  ‘Well, I think they’re more like stupid pyjamas,’ said Max, warming to his old theme. ‘Nobody puts dynamite in their pyjama pocket. Where is the pocket anyway? Show me.’

  Ellie rolled up her pyjama leg. The pocket was no longer there.

  ‘But that’s impossible,’ Max complained.

  Ellie shrugged. ‘Great-Aunt Jemima said that these are Cosmic Pyjamas. Maybe Cosmic Pyjamas do impossible things. After all, it was the pyjamas that brought us here and that was pretty strange, wasn’t it?’

  Max was still studying the little stick of dynamite. ‘What does “ignitting” mean?’

  Ellie shrugged. ‘Why?’

  ‘There’s very small writing round the top of the tube. It says “self-ignitting”. Look.’ Max passed the dynamite back to his sister who almost screamed and dropped the tube to the floor.

  ‘SELF-IGNITING, Max! Not ignitting. Igniting. That means it goes off by itself!’

  The two children gazed in horror at the tube, gently rolling backwards and forwards between their feet. They wanted to run, but where can you run when you’re stuck in a cupboard?

  It was Max who asked the obvious. ‘So when’s it going to explode?’

  ‘How should I know?’ Ellie snapped.

  ‘Keep your knickers on,’ grunted Max tetchily.

  ‘That’s exactly what I would like to do,’ Ellie shot back. ‘I would very much like not to have my knickers blown right off, thank you very much.’

  Max sniggered. ‘That’s funny.’

  ‘Oh, ha ha. You won’t be laughing when we both get blown up.’ Ellie began to gingerly push the dynamite across the floor with one foot. Max asked her what she was doing.

  ‘If we put this dynamite under the edge of the door in the corner it might make enough of a hole for us to crawl out.’

  ‘Suppose the Christmas Fairy hears the explosion?’ asked Max.

  ‘Suppose she doesn’t? Even better, Max, suppose my plan works and we manage to escape? Anyhow, it might not go off at all.’

  Max gave in with a shrug. ‘OK,’ he said. It was one of the things Ellie loved about her little brother. He was never cross with her for long.

  Ellie still could not bri
ng herself to pick up the dynamite but she eventually managed to roll it to the far corner of the door. Max went and hid beneath the dusters.

  ‘I’ll put it under the door, dash back to you and wait,’ said Ellie. ‘Get ready to make your escape. If anything goes wrong and we get separated, make your way back to Blondie.’

  Max didn’t answer. He was not planning on getting separated from his sister under any circumstances. Ellie raced across to Max and dived beneath the dusters.

  ‘Ow!’ squealed Max. ‘Gerroff, you great pudding. Gerroff!’

  ‘Do shut up, Max. Do you think the dynamite will know we want it to go off?’

  Max pulled back the duster a fraction and yelled, ‘You can blow up now!’

  ‘Max, you’re talking to a stick of dynamite,’ giggled Ellie.

  ‘So what?’ he shrugged. ‘We’ve been shrunk. We’ve got pyjamas with disappearing pockets and weird pictures. We’ve been talking to Barbie dolls and Christmas fairies and plastic dinosaurs and now you think it’s crazy to talk to a stick of dynamite. Ellie, this whole world we’re in is crazy.’

  ‘Maybe, but that dynamite hasn’t exploded yet. Let’s do a countdown. Five, four, three –’

  BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

  Everything in the cupboard rattled like mad and the mop handle toppled forward against the door as if it had been fatally wounded. The children poked their heads out into a minor storm of whirling dust and scraps of paper. They hurried across to the corner of the door and discovered to their delight that the explosion had dislodged a large chunk of doorframe. Ellie gazed at the shattered frame.

  ‘Oh well, now we know that dynamite sticks can’t count. I only got to three. But it worked! Brilliant! Come on!’

  They scrambled through, Max struggling with Aysha’s missing leg. Ellie’s eyes boggled. ‘Why have you got that ghastly thing with you?’ she wanted to know.

  ‘I’m taking it back for Aysha,’ Max said simply. ‘Maybe she can put it back on.’

  A single angel spy came swooping down to see what was going on, alerted by the explosion. Grasping the leg firmly round the ankle, as if it were a baseball bat, Max gave an almighty swing and BAM! The angel was sent spinning and unconscious right across the room. It clattered into a dark corner and lay still and silent.

  ‘That sorts that out,’ Max muttered grimly. ‘Come on!’

  They raced across the dark floor of the Empty Room, and arrived, panting but safe, beside the skirting board on the far side. They hammered at the sliding door.

  ‘Let us in!’ they yelled. ‘Let us in! Hurry!’

  11 Let Battle Begin!

  ‘Didn’t think you’d make it,’ said Blondie, shaking her head, Aysha stared at Max in disbelief. He stood, grinning from ear to ear, with the commander’s missing leg resting over one shoulder

  ‘Darling child,’ she cried. ‘Where did you find it?’

  This was Max’s moment. He struck a casually heroic pose. ‘Oh,’ he began, ‘it was in the cupboard under the stairs.’

  ‘THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS??!!’ The whole room shrieked in dismay.

  ‘Yes,’ confirmed Max. ‘It was just lying there, so we brought it back with us.’

  ‘You tellin’ me yous been in the Cupboard Under the Stairs?’ asked Blondie, while Aysha took her leg from Max and examined it for damage. She let her colouring-pencil crutch drop to the floor and carefully slotted her leg back in place.

  ‘My dear boy, I shall be grateful to you for the rest of my life. You have been so brave.’

  ‘Nah,’ said Max, with a shake of his head. ‘Like I said, it was just lying there so I took it.’ But he couldn’t play at being Mr Cool for long and at last his excitement overcame him. He gave a wild whoop and performed several forward rolls, greatly admired by the penguins.

  ‘We can only roll sideways,’ confided one.

  ‘Did you find out anyfing?’ Blondie wanted to know. ‘What are them angels up to?’

  ‘Let me sit down first,’ said Ellie, slowly getting her breath back. While Max hastily rid himself of the hated nightie and reclaimed his jeans, Ellie began to relate everything that had happened. As she described Marzipan Man and his Mega-Marzipanator a dense cloud of gloom slowly descended upon the camp.

  ‘How tall would you say Marzipan Man is?’ Aysha asked.

  ‘Same size as a proper human.’

  The two commanders glanced at each other and quickly turned their eyes away. Each could see only one outcome to this – defeat. How could they possibly battle against such a giant, especially one that was able to cover everything in sight with one blast of his Marzipanator?

  ‘An’ you say Marzipan Man is almost complete?’ Blondie murmured.

  Ellie nodded. She couldn’t think of anything to say. She kept digging into her brain, trying to think of something that might help, some way of attacking Marzipan Man. If only they had a flame-thrower or something similar. But then of course a flame-thrower that was small enough for them to handle would be useless against Marzipan Man. It would be like holding a match to his big toe. They would need a giant flame-thrower.

  ‘’Ang on a sec,’ Blondie began with a startled squeak. ‘Them jimmy-jams of yours are doin’ somefing weird. Look.’

  The two commanders and Max gathered round Ellie and stared at where Blondie was pointing. Another message had appeared, wriggling across Ellie’s right shoulder.

  LET MONSTER FIGHT MONSTER.

  That was all.

  ‘Let monster fight monster?’ murmured Aysha. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Marzipan Man is a monster,’ grunted Blondie, and Ellie’s face lit up.

  ‘That’s it! We have to find a monster to fight a monster, a monster that can defeat Marzipan Man.’

  ‘Don’t ’ave no monsters,’ grumbled Blondie. ‘Your jimmy-jams are a fat lot of use. That’s the trouble wiv stuff that ain’t designer, see? Know my clutch bag? Genuine Versace, that is, an’ everyone, I mean everyone, notices it. Makes ’em squeal with envy. Nobody ain’t gonna squeal at your jimmy-jams.’

  Ellie waited patiently until the commander had finished criticizing her pyjamas and then quietly pointed out that they did have a monster that could fight Marzipan Man.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ snorted Blondie. ‘If you mean Dippy the diplodocus, he’s useless.’

  ‘Thank you,’ sighed the dinosaur, poking his head over the top of them all.

  ‘No offence, Dippy, but you ain’t monster enough to fight some bloomin’ ginormous Marzipan Man, are you?’ The dinosaur shook his head sadly.

  Aysha put a hand on Blondie’s shoulder. ‘I think we should listen to Ellie. She has a plan. Let her tell us what it is, Blondie, and stop interrupting the poor girl.’

  Ellie smiled at her gratefully and went on. ‘The idea is simple, but carrying it out will be difficult,’ Ellie began. ‘We need to open the door to the Cupboard Under the Stairs –’, she began only to be drowned out by more howls of dismay.

  ‘THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS? Are you crazy?’

  ‘Do you want to kill us all?’

  ‘I don’t want to die! Not the night before Christmas!’

  Ellie calmly waited until the protests had died down before she continued. ‘We use the cupboard monster to fight Marzipan Man. The monster in that cupboard isn’t a monster at all. It’s a machine that can be switched on and off. Remember, Max and I were in that cupboard for a long time and we came to no harm. The angels certainly won’t expect to be attacked by a monster. If we can get it out of the cupboard we could use the vacuum cleaner. We also need to be able to switch it on.’

  ‘It’ll be brilliant!’ declared Max, his eyes shining with excitement.

  Blondie, Aysha, the penguins, the Marys and Josephs, the dinosaurs and teddies – in fact everyone else – looked aghast.

  ‘You want to release the monster from the Cupboard Under the Stairs?’ Aysha repeated.

  ‘Listen, we can control it. It has an on—off switch just like every electrical mach
ine. In the world Max and I come from we use vacuum cleaners every day – at least our mum and dad do. It might seem like a monster to you, but it’s perfectly tame as long as we control it. We have little time left. We need to –’

  Blondie stepped in. She was still the commander.

  ‘Ellie’s way too smart for us, an’ she’s right. We need to act fast. I want everyone ’ere to tool up for a final battle wiv the Christmas Fairy and her army. I also want all of you to put your ’eads together an’ fink of ’ow we can open the door to the Cupboard Under the Stairs. ’Ow will we get the vacuum monster out? ’Ow do we plug it into a socket? ’Ow do we switch it on? I want answers, now.’

  The toys began to bustle about, talking excitedly. A few remained full of doom and gloom.

  ‘We’re all going to die,’ muttered a camel.

  ‘It will never work,’ said a shepherd.

  ‘We’re going to be marzipanned,’ the camel continued, before mournfully asking the shepherd what marzipan actually was. ‘It’s obviously something very nasty, maybe something plasticky. I don’t like plastic at all and, no offence towards our dear plastic commanders, but I always think it’s a bit, well, tacky, don’t you?’

  But for every complainer there were at least ten toys racking their brains. Slowly, bit by bit, suggestions came in to HQ. Aysha, Blondie, Max and Ellie listened carefully to each one. Some were immediately dismissed as unworkable, some were kept for further discussion and some were put into effect at once.

  So it was that Ellie climbed into a large metal crane-truck and motored to the sliding door. She drove across the Empty Room and reached the cupboard without incident. Ellie began to raise the arm of the crane. The idea was simple. The crane would lift a heavy weight and hang it on the handle of the door. Ellie hoped the weight would pull the handle down and release the door.