“Funny, coming from a woman who has had everything handed to her for her entire life.”
Shanna bristled. “You don’t know anything about me! You said that yourself, so don’t assume that you know what my life has been like. Just because I made different choices than you doesn’t mean that I haven’t had my share of hardship. My mom raised me as a single mother. My father took off and never paid her a cent of child support. She worked two jobs and went to school until she became a social worker. She was able to provide for us after that. She might be overbearing and think she knows it all and have too many outdated opinions, but she’s my mom and I love her. Don’t assume that I’ve had this perfect life.”
Percy shrugged. “Like I said, I don’t know you. I don’t know who you are and what you’re capable of. Everything you said and did in Mexico might have been a lie. Or it might not have been. Maybe you are telling the truth. It doesn’t matter. The end result is the same. Even if I did believe you, I told you once, there is no future for us. Nothing.”
“So you’re never going to see your child?” She asked, raw pain seeping into her tone.
He slowly shook his head. His face and eyes still remained devoid of any feeling. That was the most frightening part of it all. The fact that he could sit there and feel nothing when her own heart was breaking into tiny shards that had no hope of ever being repaired.
“Nope. What’s the point? I’d only fuck up its life like I fucked up mine.” Percy shoved back the bar stool, nearly knocking it over. “If this is the trouble you’re in, you could have saved me a lot of time and energy and just texted or called.”
“It’s not the kind of thing I wanted to tell you over the phone.” Shanna swallowed hard and stood slowly. “I thought you’d actually care. I thought it would mean something to you. I thought-”
“What?” Percy growled. He studied her face and she knew that he knew the truth. He let out a laugh that made her shiver. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. “That we could have a life together? That you and I could be a mom and a dad and have a house and a car and a dog and a cat and a kid? I made the mistake of sharing my story with you. I trusted you enough to let you in. It was my error. Or not.” He shrugged again, and Shanna’s stomach hollowed out at his casual tone. They could have been talking about the damn weather. “At any rate, you should have known better. Do I seem like the kind of person who is cut out to be a father?”
“Clearly fucking not.” Shanna let her temper get the best of her. Why not? Soft words, pleading, cajoling was getting her nowhere. Why not be as harsh and empty as he was?
“Well then. You have your answer.” Those blue eyes, gone cold, swept over the room again. “It really is a nice place. Keep it. Put my money to good use.”
“I counted on you to be rational,” Shanna spat.
“I could be rational, if I knew you. If I hadn’t seen others do the same thing. I’ve seen enough people used and played.”
“I’m not playing you. If you even think that of me, then you’re a real fucker, Percy.” She wished she could use his last name, hurl it in his face, but it occurred to her that she didn’t even know it. She was carrying his child and she knew nothing more about him than his first name.
“If I’m skeptical, it’s hardly my fault. I haven’t led the kind of life that would make me soft. You are just another person in a long line of people who have taken my trust and abused it. I’m only angry with myself for being fooled, again, when I should have known better.”
“Percy!” She reached for him, but he dodged away, as though he couldn’t bear to be touched, even with clothing on. She sensed the hurt underlying the anger in his voice and thought there might be a chance she could still reach him.
She didn’t have time. He turned around and stormed out of her place, slamming the door shut behind him. Shanna stood there in the wake of his anger, his presence, his scent still lingering in the kitchen, his coffee untouched beside her on the island. Going after him would be useless. There was nothing she could say to fix the hole inside of him.
What did I expect? For him to be soft and tender, the way he was when he walked in here, ready to go to battle for me? That’s exactly what she had expected.
A child. She was going to bring a child into the world. A child no one but she and Percy knew about. A child that one of them didn’t even want. It will never know. She could raise it, just like her mom raised her. She had a good job. She had health care. She could take maternity leave. She’d be alright. Her mom, though she’d probably be furious at first, would come around. It would all work out.
It has to. It’s just me now. Shanna didn’t bother to blink back tears. They coursed down her cheeks in scalding, salty trails. No matter how much she wanted Percy, how she’d missed him and hoped, she could do nothing, nothing but be strong and hold on. She could only hope that one day she’d also find the strength to rebuild her shattered heart.
Maybe Percy could as well.
Chapter 17
PERCY
After a lengthy debate with no one but himself to talk to, Percy decided to take a detour on his way back home. He didn’t want to feel like he’d made the trip just to be made a fool of. Even after miles and miles of endless road, he was still burning up with anger. His bike, the open sky, sleeping under the stars… none of it soothed him like it used to. He didn’t know what the hell to use for therapy when his go to stopped working.
Miami was nearly as hot as Mexico. Nearly or worse. The heat always seemed to be wet and oppressive to him. Maybe he was wearing too much clothing, but he’d be damned if he ever shed his leather jacket.
Percy found himself in the same spot he’d been nearly two a half years ago. It was strange how time worked. He would have sworn it was a lifetime ago. So much had changed for him. He barely recognized the person he was before. I’ve changed too. It isn’t just circumstance it’s me. It shouldn’t have been an eye opening realization, but it hit him hard. He had to take a long pull of oxygen before he climbed from his bike.
Sean probably doesn’t even work here anymore. Sean? That’s the name he goes by now?
It turned out, Percy didn’t have to worry about names that were right or wrong or who was going by what. His bike was loud and it drew the attention of the guys working at the garage. The bay doors were up, as the afternoon was stifling.
Percy couldn’t believe it when Sean stepped out. He wiped his hands on a set of blue coveralls as he approached. The grin on his face was unmistakable.
“Jesus, it is really you.” Sean threw out a meaty hand and Percy took it. He wasn’t much for handshakes, but this was different. Sean was like a brother. He had been, at one time.
“In the flesh,” Percy said wryly. He let Sean clap him on the leather clad shoulder before he pulled away.
The guy was still a giant, still just as large as Percy remembered. He was friendlier looking than he had ever been. His beard was tamed down and neatly groomed to jaw length. He used to have long blonde hair and that was gone too. It was cut short, but somehow it suited the guy. All of his tattoos were hidden under the blue coveralls, but Percy knew they were there, just as Sean knew what was underneath his leather jacket.
“Did you ever make it south like you wanted to?” Sean grinned. “Just one sec. I’m due a break.” He turned and waved to the guys behind him and one of them, a guy equally as large, waved back. He was one of them at the showdown, as Percy liked to think of it, when the guys at the garage pulled together to stand up for Sean that day. Slim Rick had come to drag him back to Detroit. Sean turned back to Percy, a question in his eyes. “So? You got a minute?”
“Right now, I have unending minutes.” He strolled back towards his bike and Sean followed. He stood by the handlebars and crossed his arms. “I- I was in the area. Just wanted to come by and see if you were still here.”
“I’m still here.” Sean grinned. “Doing better than ever.”
“Your name still Sean?”
“Yeah. It’s still Sean.”
“Did you ever make it with that girl? The one Slim Rick knew about? The one with the kid?”
“Yeah. Yeah, we made it. We’re married now. Sealed the deal a few months ago.” There was no wiping away the grin that only grew wider.
“I’m impressed. I’m glad you turned your shit around. You’re legitimate now.”
“We’re not allowed to work on bikes at the shop. Even though my father in law doesn’t hate me as much now, he still hates bikes. I have a few at my house though, that I work on. I have a garage in the back, a two car deal. I work on the weekends, buy them cheap and fix them up. It’s more of a hobby than anything. Carrie, my wife, she likes to help out. I was pretty amazed when I found that out, but really, she just wants to be with me. It’s sweet, actually. Not suffocating at all. I like being a married man. And her daughter… Jennie. She’s a princess. I love that kid more than anything in the world.”
“But-” Percy didn’t want to step on any toes, but he had to ask. “Is it harder, or was it at first, knowing that she isn’t yours?”
“Nope.” Sean shrugged. “I was never sure if I liked kids or wanted them, but Jennie is a darling. She’s part of Carrie and I love them both to death. I would do anything for them. It doesn’t matter one bit that she’s not blood. She’s still mine.”
Percy nodded slowly. He realized that spark in Sean’s eyes. Percy could tell the guy really would do anything to protect his family. “So, are you thinking about having any other kids?”
“We might. We’re just waiting a while, to give Carrie a bit of a break. Jennie was a difficult baby, at least for Carrie. Carrie never slept. Her dad helped her out as much as he could, but he has a full time job here, managing the garage.”
“From one boss to another…”
“It’s not so bad.” Sean grinned again. “He goes easier on me now than he did before. At least the hate is thinly veiled, not out in the open. I’m kidding. He doesn’t really hate me as much as he likes to let on. He loves Carrie and she chose me and he’s accepted that.”
“You’re a lucky man, Sean.”
“Funny. I was just thinking that myself. The day I got married it really hit home. I never really believed in luck or miracles or any of that, but sometimes, things just work out. I don’t know what to call it other than hard work, but a hell of a lot of chance and- hell, maybe it is luck. And Carrie and Jennie… they are definitely my miracles. I get to spend every single day with them and that’s a miracle, considering where I’m from.”
A set of gray eyes with deep blue flecks swam through Percy’s mind. As if she hasn’t been there all along. He hadn’t been able to shake her, not after he left her place, not on the drive. He hadn’t been able to forget those eyes since Shanna left Mexico. He knew that he never would. He’d never forget her. Part of her was going to be with him forever. And, if she was telling the truth about the baby being his, part of him was definitely going to be with her.
“Is it hard?” he blurted.
“Is what hard?” Sean’s brow creased into a frown.
“Being- being normal, I guess? Having a wife and a child to look after? Leading that kind of life after the kind of start we had?”
Sean shook his head. “It’s not hard now, but at first… I guess sometimes it’s easier to stay sick than it is to get better. Living right here and now is hard. Starting over is even harder, but Carrie has been with me every single step of the way. I never thought I deserved her. Not after what I’d done, not after the choices I made, not after the hardship I brought between us, but she fought for me. She’s taught me what grace is. I’m happy. She loves me. I just had to let her and let myself.” Sean shrugged. “I don’t know though, Percy. My start before the gang was different than yours. Way the hell different. I was having a hard time dealing with some of the shit we did, but then I went to see this therapist.”
“What?”
“Yeah. I know.” Sean grinned. “Imagine me seeing a shrink. Anyway, Carrie thought it would help. She went with me. They showed me that it’s possible to change your past. At least it’s possible in the way that you can change how you think about it and how you respond to those thoughts. I had a lot of anxiety over the gang and what happened at the end and everything else. I guess through retraining my thoughts, I was able to stop thinking about it so negatively and learn to move on. I guess now when I look back, I look back on it being an experience that actually gave me everything I have now. I learned, through the club, my trade. They taught me everything I know about bikes. Everything I did led me to this place, right to Carrie and Jennie and where I needed to end up. I have friends here, a great group of guys who came together for me without even knowing me. They wouldn’t let Rick take me back without one hell of a fight.”
“Which you gave him.”
“Which I kind of gave him. Sort of. Anyway, they were ready to help me and they didn’t even know me. It was amazing. I’ve done a lot of work to myself, not because I really believe in all that new age shit or the corny things people say, but because I want to be a good man. I want to be the kind of man Carrie deserves and believe me, I’ll never stop working at it. She has always seen me as good enough and for a long time, I’ve been able to see myself that way too, but I know I can always get better. As things change, I change, and I want that to always be for the best.”
Percy chewed on that for a minute. He stared at his boots for a long time, covered with the dust of a long drive, before he glanced up. Sean was waiting, as patient as he’d always been. He was the quiet one, one hell of a mechanic. Unlike the rest of them, who joined the gang because they had nowhere else to go, because they needed that sense of family or a roof over their heads or a way to just stay the fuck alive, Sean joined up because he just loved bikes. It was that simple.
“I guess I just have one more question,” Percy said cautiously, but Sean nodded encouragingly.
“Shoot.”
Don’t ask it. Percy’s stomach felt like a fist. His heart beat so hard it was difficult to breathe. His throat closed up. He realized that it was fear. Fear strangled the words. Fear held him back. He’d blamed everything on his past. Everything that he was and didn’t want to change. He’d used it as an excuse for so much in his life. He’d allowed it to turn him into the one thing he’d always refused to be- a victim. Amazingly enough, his throat opened and the words spilled out in a rush.
“Do you think that we are more than what happened to us? Can we be more than our past? Can we leave it behind for good or do we just think we’re leaving it behind and really, after a few years, it’s going to catch up with us and fuck everything up?”
“Uhh...” Sean hesitated. His face went blank for a minute and when he spoke, he obviously chose his words with care. “I think we can be whatever we want to be. It just might take some work. Our past is always a part of us, but we can’t keep ourselves from moving on. We choose whether we want to be happy or not. I know bikes, so I’ll compare myself to one. I get some bikes and they’re rough. Like, not much left to them. I strip them down and I fix them up. I find the parts I need. I rebuild them. And in the end, they might not be the prettiest things in the world, but they run. They run real fine.”
For some strange damn reason that bike analogy got through to Percy. It was just that easy. So simple. Something he’d struggled with his entire life made plain by a horrible cliché and a good heart behind it. It really hit him. He might have been running, but he was running in place. His past was a part of him and always would be. He knew that, but he’d never been able to look at himself and admit that he was more than that. That he was worth something. Worth more than everyone made him feel he was. He’d let them have the power, let those memories define who he was.
It had been eating him up inside, gnawing him to bits, picking his bones, ever since he’d left Shanna. She’d come into his life like a hurricane and he’d spent every single day thinking about her. Then she really shocked him. He’d forced
her to hate him since that was easier than imagining bringing a life into the world and ruining it. That’s all he’d felt he was good for. That initial anger when she told him had immediately turned to fear. He didn’t truly believe the things he’d said. He just started it and had to finish it. He didn’t know how else to spare her and that baby inside of her. He thought he was being strong. Fuck, he’d been so wrong.
“Thanks, man.” Percy clapped Sean on the shoulder. “Really.” He turned, grabbed his helmet off the handlebars of his bike and threw it on.
“You’re leaving then? Just like that?”
“Yeah.” Percy threw a leg over his bike. “There’s something I just realized. I’ll be back one day, I’m sure. Maybe I won’t be alone. You’ll probably still be here, slaving away for your father in law.”
“Probably,” Sean grinned. “It was good to see you. You never did tell me if you made it down South?”
Percy nodded just before he fired up his bike. Sean waved him off and he actually waved back. Like he was any other person seeing an old friend. Like he was any other person, period.
He had realized something. He’d spent his entire life trying to prove that he wasn’t defined by his past. He’d spent so many years trying to be what he wasn’t or what he was or trying to figure out what that even meant. He’d never once stopped to think that he could be whatever the hell he wanted to be. It was a choice. It was a real fucking choice.
And for once in his damn life, he was going to make the right one.
Chapter 18
SHANNA
When she was younger and first learning to drive, her mom had given her stern instruction to always lock the door behind her as soon as she was in the car. Shanna had taken that advice to heart. It was probably the only piece of her mom’s advice she followed. Whenever she worked the late shift, which was twice a week, she pretty much ran to her car, her keys threaded through her knuckles. She’d throw herself into the driver’s seat, slam the door shut behind her, and hammer down the locks. She usually checked the backseat too. Just to be sure. The point of being safe was to lock the creepiness out, not in with her.
Lonely Rider - The Box Set: A Motorcycle Club Romance - The Complete Series Page 11
