In all the nights she’d been out late, heck even in Mexico when she’d walked down unknown streets in the dark, she’d never had a scare. Her heart raced whenever she heard a horn blare or an alarm go off, but that wasn’t an actual close call.
Shanna wasn’t exactly used to pulling up to her condo, but after a week there, it already felt like home. She had a designated parking spot in front of her door and the small white deck that fronted every single condo.
Tired after a long shift, exhausted from the hopelessness of her fight with Percy a few days ago, Shanna climbed out of her car. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn’t see the shadow looming right to the left.
“Shanna.”
The voice knocked her back a pace. She gasped and whirled around. Her hand flew to cover her mouth. It dropped a second later, down to her chest, where her heart was beating so hard and fast it hurt. Adrenaline kicked through her veins. It was the kind of feeling one gets after nearly getting into a car accident. Nearly, but not quite.
“Percy! Jesus…” she exclaimed. She had barely recovered enough to even force out a few words. “You scared the hell out of me.” She narrowed her eyes. “What are you doing standing there, skulking around in the dark? Were you waiting for me?”
Why? Why is he even here? Shanna was ashamed to admit it, but she couldn’t stop the pounding of her heart any more than she could the first time. The first time she’d seen him or the first time he’d come back. Or any of the times between.
She wasn’t going to kid herself. She knew better than to let her stomach hollow out, to let her blood sour through her veins. She knew better than to breathe in and inhale the scent of fresh air, open road, leather and… and the maleness of him. She knew to guard herself. I should have done it from the first. I should never have got involved at all. Despite the anger and hurt and even resentment she felt after their last meeting, she couldn’t bring herself to feel actual regret. It was absolutely infuriating for her.
“I- I thought you might want to invite me in. For another cup of coffee.”
“Oh. You mean because it worked out so well last time?”
With a perfectly straight face, a face that was shadowed in a way that had nothing to do with the fact that it was dark and there was a lamp lighting the walkway off to the left, Percy nodded.
“Yes.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Shanna was pretty much done. She was done with being nice. She was done with hoping. She’d tried to tell herself that she was done with him. While she couldn’t quite achieve that, he didn’t have to know.
“No, I’m not kidding.” He did put up his hands in a gesture of supplication. “I- I really just don’t know what else to say. We’re standing in the middle of a parking lot. I do have things I need to tell you, but it’s probably best that we don’t get into it out here.”
“Why? Are you worried my neighbors would think you’re an asshole?”
“No.”
Shanna moved her hands to her hips. She glanced around. “Where the hell is your bike?”
“I parked it on the street.” He pointed and when she strained her eyes she could make out the shape. She’d pretty much driven right by it on her way in.
“Oh.” It was maddening that her face heated. Why should I be the one who is embarrassed here? He’s the one who acted like a complete Neanderthal. “You could have just called me. Or texted. Isn’t that what you said I should have done?”
There was a slight glow from the light behind them and it illuminated just enough of Percy’s face and unbelievably enough, Shanna watched a rush of red sweep across his face. He wasn’t as pale as she was, so it was barely noticeable, but she knew she wasn’t just making things up.
Percy shuffled his boots on the asphalt. “So… that cup of coffee? Is that a yes or a no?”
Shanna heaved an angry sigh. She hoped he got the point. She didn’t want him there. Yes I do. She didn’t need him. Yes I do. She didn’t have any residual feelings from a few encounters that never should have happened. Yes I fucking do. She was better off without him. If the pregnancy worked out and went to term, she and the baby were both better off without him. We’re not. Not at all.
“Alright,” she finally ground out. She was so tired of arguing with herself. She’d done enough of it over the past couple days. “Fine. You have five minutes.”
“Hardly enough time to even brew a pot.”
“Yeah, well, I have one of those fancy single cup makers. I don’t really like it, but that’s what you’re getting. Quick and easy. I’m not going to the effort of even making you a cup of coffee again.”
What she thought was a shade of red darkened, until she knew it was for sure a blush of embarrassment or shame. Or anger. Maybe she was driving him nuts standing there, muttering nasty things.
“Yeah. I understand.” His voice was neutral and perfectly calm. “I probably don’t even deserve that.”
“Fucking rights you don’t.”
Percy gave his head a shake. His eyes darkened. “You know what? Fuck the coffee. I came here because I needed to ask you something.”
She moved her hands to her hips again. “What? Don’t you dare ask me if this kid is yours again. If this question isn’t about visitation or something to that degree or you actually deciding you want to play a role in this kid’s life, then you better take a hike. Because I’m not in the mood to hear anything else. You hurt me enough the other day. It was enough to last a lifetime.”
“I know. I-”
Percy shocked her by closing the distance between them. One second he was standing a few steps away, the next his hands were on her arms, gripping them hard, hard enough to daze her, but not hard enough to hurt. His fingers dug into her bare skin and she couldn’t help but shiver. Images of the way he’d touched her before, in Mexico, flashed through her mind. Stop. Stop it.
“So go ahead then. Ask me. Ask me whatever it is you have to ask me.” Their gazes locked, their faces mere inches apart. If she wanted to, she could lean forward and taste his lips. Stop it right fucking now.
“I need to know if you think a person’s past is all they are and all they will ever be. Or can they be something else? Can they change enough that it actually matters?”
Matters to who? To me? She wasn’t sure what he meant and struggled for a few seconds, trying to find the right thing to say. Or what she hoped was the right thing. Finally she just said what came to mind, what was honestly in her heart.
“I think that the past always stays with us. It shapes us in a way. It does mold us to an extent, but no, I don’t think it’s all we are. For myself, I would never let it be all that I am. I want to be happy and if I wasn’t, I would work at it until I was, even if it was hard and painful. As for change… if we never change and grow… well, I don’t want to be someone who never does those things. I will always have my past. I will always have those memories. Maybe it does shape some of my behavior and opinions, but I’ve done a lot to work on that. I’ve tried to learn how to make myself satisfied and happy over the years. I-”
She didn’t get a chance to finish. Which was good. Because she had no idea what she was going to say. Suddenly Percy’s lips were on hers, the fire in his kiss unmistakable. She wanted to kiss him back. God, she wanted it more than anything in the world. She was the one who was most shocked when she planted a hand on his chest and pushed him away.
“God!” She panted. “Stop! What are you even doing here? Really? A few days ago you basically told me in the rudest way possible, that you didn’t want this baby. You doubted it was yours and if it was, I was a conniving bitch who either conspired alone or with someone else up here to fleece you for money.”
“I’m sorry-”
“No. I don’t want an apology. Not right now. I want to know what’s changed! I want to know why you’re really here!” She was breathing hard, mostly because the fire of that kiss was still sweeping through her veins, torturing her, stealing away her already crumbl
ing resistance.
Percy blinked back at her. “Can’t you tell?” His voice was heavy with emotion, husky with it. That brought her up short in her anger. “I’m here for you. I’m here because I was- horrible. Beyond that. I’ve been that my whole life. Just… just shit-”
“This isn’t really about having a pity party-”
“No, let me finish.” His hand gripped hers and even though she didn’t want that strong, warm touch of his to change her mind, to tie her stomach in knots, she didn’t pull her hand away. “I’ve been shitty. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was a combination of it. I’m done though. I’ll probably always be different than other people. It will probably take me a hell of a long time to learn how to treat you right.”
“But you want to?”
“Didn’t I tell you to let me finish?” he asked. He pretended to be exasperated with her, but she could see the humor shining in his eyes.
“Dear god, Percy, are you actually laughing at yourself right now? Do I detect a so far unknown sense of humor?”
“You might not have known it was there.”
“So you came back to tell me that- uh- that you want to try and make this work?”
He shook his head and her stomach fell. Everything inside of her fell. “No. I’m not saying that I want to try. I’m saying I’ll do whatever it takes. Someone said something to me that made me change my mind about everything. About my life, about the past, about now and the future. About all of it. I was an asshole. I was a piece of shit. Not just the other day. That’s just generally how I’ve chosen to live my life. I thought having a shitty start gave me a license to do it.”
“Maybe it does…”
“No. No it fucking doesn’t. I had no right to talk to you like that. I had no right to say those things. I believed them for about five minutes and then spent the rest of the time trying to. It’s almost like I wanted you to hurt me, to use me, to be the bad person, so that I’d have another out. So that I could take the easy road and not have to care or try or open myself up to feeling anything. It’s easier to feel nothing at all.”
“Is it? Is it really?”
He nodded. “Believe me, it is.”
“So you’re saying that you came back for me? Is that it? Or was it just that I made a stellar cup of coffee?”
“Fuck the coffee,” Percy growled. “Of course I came back for you. Neither of us expected this, but you have my child inside of you and if you want to try and give this thing a shot, I’m in. You’ll have me for life. That kid will have me for life. Even if you don’t want me, you’re stuck with me because you have my baby in there. I’m going to be a good dad, damn it. I’m going to be the dad I never had. I’m going to tell that kid about his grandmother, tell him how much she would have loved him.”
“How do you know it’s a boy?” Shanna’s eyes filled up with tears. She was so amazed that her mouth nearly dropped open. She was sure it wasn’t just the pregnancy hormones that were about to turn her into a good old fashioned bawl bag.
“I just know.”
“Like you just know that somehow we can make it work? Two very different people who come from completely different backgrounds who have led different walks of life, who don’t even live in the same country?”
“Yes,” Percy said emphatically. “Yes, it’s going to work. If you want it to. Just know that I’m one hundred percent in. I don’t want to be a piece of shit anymore. By the time that kid is born, he will never know that his father was once a closed off bastard who was afraid to have any emotions at all. Or trust anyone.”
“So…” Shanna whispered. “If I were to say yes, would you tell me why you came back?”
Percy looked at her as though she had a fog around her head and walls blocking her ears. And then he blinked and suddenly understanding dawned.
“It sure as hell wasn’t for that coffee. That stuff was garbage compared to what I’ve been drinking down in Mexico. I came back because you asked me to do something before that I wasn’t able to do. I want to give it a shot now.”
“What’s that?” she asked, genuinely confused. She couldn’t think of one thing she’d said to him or asked for that he hadn’t already given her in some form.
“You asked me to make love to you.” The words tumbled out in a rush, like they were a little hard to get out, so he just put them all out there at the same time.
She raised a brow. “I thought you did?”
“No,” he said hoarsely. “I didn’t. You have no idea.”
Shanna hesitated. She knew that if she said yes, she was opening herself up to a world of possible hurt. There was always the chance that it would work, but everything seemed to be against them. They were still strangers! He was who he was and she was who she was and she was right… they didn’t even live in the same country. I want it to work. I want to take that chance. I want to believe it can happen… that one day we might even be able to love each other and keep it that way.
“Well…” she breathed. “You better come in for that cup of coffee then. Even if it’s not up to your high standards.”
Chapter 19
PERCY
He managed to keep himself under control until the minute the front door slammed shut behind him. Shanna went in first. She stood there, heels still on, boxes still strewn about in the background, the place still a mess. It looked just like when he’d been there a few days ago, but this time, everything was different. The world looks like a different place after I finally opened my damn eyes.
Shanna faced him, eyes gone huge. “So… you’re really here…” she frowned, but he had the feeling it was forced. “What if I don’t want to make love to you? What if hate sex is more accurate at the moment? I’m still angry with you. You should never have said what you did. You should have acted like a decent human being.”
“I know.”
“You were a huge asshole. First class.”
“You’re right.”
“How could you even think those things about me?”
“Here’s the thing, Shanna.” Percy kicked off his boots and took a step closer. Shanna didn’t move. He walked right up to her and dropped his hands to her tiny waist. It was unbelievable to think that just below his fingertips, a life grew there. My child. “Sometimes I say stupid shit because it’s ingrained in me to protect myself. I’ve been trained to think the worst at all times. It’s how I survived. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Ever. I don’t know if I’m capable of what everyone else is, love and all that, but I’ll kill myself trying.”
“Please don’t.” Shanna smiled awkwardly. “It would be a shame if you died. Who would look after me then? You know, there is a certain lifestyle I’m expecting.”
She kept a straight face for about five seconds and then her laughter bubbled up. It was a nice sound, clear and crisp like water. It hit him right in the chest, in that spot that was so much softer since he’d met her. He laughed too. A real laugh. And god, it felt fantastic.
“I won’t die on you. Now, if it’s hate sex you want, I can’t give you that, because I could never hate you. But if you want to use me for it…”
“No,” she breathed as she shook her head. “No. I want what you said. I want to touch you. I want to be able to taste you. Is that alright?”
Percy stiffened. He didn’t know if it would be, or to what degree, or how he’d react. “Yes. I… I was always so afraid of what that would do to me. I honestly thought it would bring back everything that happened, but it never did… with you. Your touch- yes, Shanna. I want that.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and he froze. She slammed her body up against his. She was so close, her face only inches away, her breath ticked his cheek. His cock was already hard and aching, but it kicked up in his pants almost violently.
“Maybe I’ll forgive you this time, but just this once.”
“Once is all it will take. I promise to be perfect from here on out.”
Shanna crushed their
mouths together in response. She was wearing a knee length navy skirt, which was tight, but not tight enough to prevent it from riding up. Which was perfect. Damn perfect. She had a red blouse on, the sheer kind of thing, with a black camisole underneath. He wondered, as she slipped her tongue into his mouth, how much it had cost. Did she like it? Would she mind if he tore it off of her and rendered it fit for the trash in his haste?
Shanna ground herself against the rock hard bulge in his pants and he forgot about caring about her blouse. His hands roved over it, but he felt nothing of the soft silk, desperate to get to the skin below. She helped him and the thing magically didn’t get damaged. Her fingers flew over the buttons and then it hit the floor. Those talented hands didn’t stop. She unzipped his jacket and pushed it over his shoulders and down his arms. He loved that jacket. He’d only ever treated it well, but it too hit the floor hard. She kept going, stripping away his t-shirt.
She broke the kiss, panting. He expected her to recoil at the sight of him, but she didn’t. Her face didn’t change, the desire didn’t wane, the shine in her eyes never went away. She looked at him like he was whole, like he was beautiful, like he was… like he meant something to her. She looked at him like no one else ever had. He was sure there wasn’t a woman on earth who would ever want him the way he was, but there she was. Shanna. His angel, his savior, the woman who he already knew was right for him. The woman who carried his child. It might not have been planned, but biology or some force, the universe or science… whatever it was, knew what they needed far before they knew.
When he met her, it was just time. Time to give up the loneliness, time to open himself up, time to let someone into his wounded, guarded soul. And she’d come along. Shanna. He’d been waiting a hell of a long time for her, but they were there now.
“What are you thinking about?” She asked softly. Her hands paused on the button of his jeans.
Lonely Rider - The Box Set: A Motorcycle Club Romance - The Complete Series Page 12
