The Tapper Twins Run for President

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The Tapper Twins Run for President Page 6

by Geoff Rodkey


  CLAUDIA

  Reese, please. We do NOT “gang up” on you.

  REESE

  Then how come we ALWAYS have to go out for sushi instead of pizza?

  CLAUDIA

  You just get outvoted. Mom and Dad and I happen to like sushi better than pizza. Plus, it’s healthier.

  REESE

  SEE??? THIS WHOLE FAMILY’S AGAINST ME!!! Ed. Note: srsly NOT TRUE (except when picking restaurant on Friday nights)

  CHAPTER 15

  MY TOTALLY CUTE PHOTO OP

  CLAUDIA

  My campaign did not hold any public events on Saturday. But behind the scenes, I was very busy staging a photo op to prove I wasn’t a soccer hater.

  This was tough for a few reasons. For one thing, the whole idea was ridiculous.

  And when I asked Dad if I could tag along to Reese’s soccer practice at Asphalt Green Saturday morning, my brother shut me down.

  REESE

  I didn’t know why Claudia wanted to come, but I figured it was something sneaky. So I told Dad not to let her. And when he texted Mom at her yoga class, she agreed with me.

  DAD AND MOM (text messages)

  (DAD) C wants to come to R’s soccer practice. Do I let her?

  (MOM) No way. She is up to something

  But what? Can’t figure out angle

  Probably revenge

  Maybe I’ll take her, but only if she agrees to get some exercise while we’re there?

  good luck with that

  Exercise offer did not work. Guess she didn’t want to go THAT badly Ed. Note: Dad thinks I don’t exercise enough (b/c I don’t play sports) (but I walk around a lot) (which should count)

  CLAUDIA

  This was true. I did not actually want a photo op badly enough to exercise for it.

  But Jens is on Reese’s soccer team, so I thought I might be able to tag along with him instead. That didn’t work out, either.

  CLAUDIA AND JENS (Text messages copied from Claudia’s phone)

  Hi! Do u mind if I come to your soccer practice today?

  But you hate soccer

  I DON’T HATE IT! I think if I watched practice I would like it more

  Practice is boring. Only drills. But Ajax plays Groningen tonight - u want come over and watch?

  on satelite TV from Netherlands

  I can explain you all the clubs

  Also rules

  Also difference of Champions League vs Eredivisie

  g2g

  CLAUDIA

  Since I couldn’t take a selfie at the practice, I had to come up with a whole other photo op. Carmen had a great idea, so I went over to her place, and we used her little brother’s soccer ball to take what I thought was a very cute pic.

  CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CLAUDAROO” (AKA CLAUDIA TAPPER) WALL

  23 likes

  claudaroo I LOVE SOCCER!

  claudaroo And #IDontHaveAnEvilPlan!

  claudaroo #VoteClaudia

  claudaroo #VoteCarmen

  c_2_the_g #VoteClaudia #VoteCarmen #StopGlobalWarming

  Parvanana CUTEST PIC EVA!

  KaliHendo Ed. Note: Kalisha Seems a little desperate

  c_2_the_g Cut it out, Kalisha

  CLAUDIA

  Like I said, I thought it was cute. But Akash was not happy.

  AKASH AND CLAUDIA (Text messages copied from Claudia’s phone)

  WORST PHOTO OP EVER

  It’s cute!

  CUTE DOESN’T WIN ELECTIONS (Call me. I have polling data)

  CLAUDIA

  Akash had spent half his weekend polling the whole sixth grade. And he had some VERY good news.

  AKASH

  First of all, I have to say Kalisha really did her homework. Everybody I talked to was like, “Kalisha already asked me about this. Twice!”

  KALISHA

  OF COURSE I did a lot of polling. Running a political campaign without taking polls is like trying to drive a car blindfolded.

  AKASH

  You must’ve really gone deep. A couple of kids were like, “Why are you only asking me two questions? Kalisha asked me twenty!”

  KALISHA

  You can’t just ask kids who they’re voting for. You’ve also got to measure intensity. And persuadability. And issue salience. And if you want to do any predictive modeling, you need TONS of demographic data.

  Does that make sense? Ed. Note: ???? (I read this four times and still HAVE NO IDEA what she’s talking about)

  AKASH

  SO much sense. Hats off to you. I mean, seriously. That is boss.

  My name’s Akash, by the way.

  KALISHA

  I’m Kalisha.

  AKASH

  How come we’ve never hung out before?

  KALISHA

  I don’t know. ’Cause you’re an eighth grader?

  AKASH

  After this interview, do you want to—

  CLAUDIA

  AKASH!

  AKASH

  What?

  CLAUDIA

  Can we get back to the interview? Please?

  AKASH

  Right! Sorry. Where were we? Ed. Note: (had to stop interviewing Kalisha and Akash together after this b/c Akash kept getting distracted)

  CLAUDIA

  The polling? For my campaign? Which you were supposedly running?

  AKASH

  Oh, yeah. So I polled the whole sixth grade. AND YOU WERE WINNING! You had a small but solid lead among likely voters. Ed. Note: “likely voters” = everybody but Fembots (b/c they don’t vote)

  Mostly because you got a surprisingly large share of the Nerdy Boy vote. Which was weird. Because in sixth grade, boys usually vote for boys.

  So the Nerdy Boys SHOULD have been Reese voters. But in this case, there was one major thing driving them into your camp.

  CLAUDIA

  The fact that I’d done a great job as president?

  AKASH

  No. It was that Xander kid. He was your brother’s running mate, and he’s a total punk. So the Nerdy Boys were like, “NO WAY am I voting for a ticket with HIM on it.”

  MAX ESPER, treasurer/Nerdy Boy

  I don’t have a problem with Reese. It’s not like we hang out. But he’s cool.

  Xander Billington, though? LITERALLY the worst person on earth.

  MICHAEL KO, Nerdy Boy/likely Claudia voter

  I’ve personally hated Xander ever since first grade, when he stole my inhaler and put it someplace you’re NOT supposed to EVER put ANYTHING. Not even your finger. Ed. Note: eeeeeeeew

  DYLAN O’LEARY, Nerdy Boy/likely Claudia voter

  Xander’s SUCH a jerk. Whenever he sees me in the boys’ bathroom, he says he’s going to give me a swirly.

  I wish he would, because then I could sue him for a million dollars. I’d totally win.

  CLAUDIA

  When Akash showed me the polling numbers, he was VERY confident. I believe his exact words were, “You are OWNING this election.”

  AKASH

  The numbers didn’t lie. As long as Xander was driving all the Nerdy Boys away from Reese, there was no way he could win.

  KALISHA

  Akash was absolutely right. With Xander as his running mate, your brother was doomed.

  BUT… if Xander WASN’T his running mate? And I could find a way to get the Nerdy Boys to switch their votes to Reese?

  Then YOU’D be doomed. Ed. Note: i.e., me (Claudia) (DOOMED)

  CHAPTER 16

  THE SECRET REESE-NERD ALLIANCE

  CLAUDIA

  After Akash told me the polling numbers, I felt very good about my chances.

  This is because I had no idea Kalisha was hatching a secret plan to steal all the Nerdy Boy voters from me.

  There are about ten of them in the sixth grade. I’m personally a little uncomfortable with calling them “nerdy,” but they seem fine with it. Ed. Note: Nerdy Boys = -smart

  Ed. Note: -read a lot

  Ed. Note: -know stuff

  Ed. Note: about computers<
br />
  Ed. Note: -don’t play sports

  TOBY, Nerdy Boy/undecided voter

  Are you kidding? Every 25-year-old billionaire on earth is a big honking nerd. That’s why they’re billionaires!

  So it’s pretty much the coolest thing you can be.

  CLAUDIA

  The Nerdy Boys don’t really have a leader. But if they did, it’d be Max Esper.

  MAX

  I don’t want to brag or anything. But I’ve been coding since I was eight. So, yeah. I’m pretty much the alpha nerd.

  AKASH

  Oh, please, Max! Call me when you learn how to run Linux. Ed. Note: no idea what this means, but Akash begged me to put it in book (Akash = v. competitive about computer skills)

  CLAUDIA

  So Max is VERY influential with the Nerdy Boys. And if he got behind Reese’s candidacy, it could swing a lot of Nerdy Boy votes Reese’s way.

  But Max and my brother are about as different as two 12-year-old boys can be. So the one thing I ABSOLUTELY NEVER EXPECTED IN A MILLION YEARS was for Max to become Reese’s running mate.

  That’s why the text I got from Sophie on Sunday afternoon was such a shock.

  SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)

  U around? Need quote for new article

  About what?

  Yr reaction to news that Max is Reese’s new running mate

  CLAUDIA

  I was eating a bagel at the Zabar’s lunch counter when I read that. And I was so shocked, I yelped.

  And the yelp was so loud that it made the guy sitting next to me spill his soup.

  I apologized to the guy. Then I ran outside to call Sophie. But we’d barely started talking when my phone ran out of minutes for the month.

  Fortunately, I have unlimited texting.

  SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)

  Why did u hang up?

  Ran out of minutes

  Please please please don’t write this article

  I HAVE to it’s huge news!

  Will use ANY quote u give me. Think of a good one!

  No comment

  AGAIN? SRSLY?

  CLAUDIA

  This time, I wasn’t saying “no comment” because Akash told me not to talk to the media. I was saying it because the only comment I could think of was, “THIS IS A MAJOR DISASTER AND MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED.”

  And when you’re running for president, it’s very important to act like you’re confident and in charge. Even when your head is exploding.

  Five minutes later, Sophie posted her article.

  SIXTH GRADE ELECTION SHOCKER! Longtime Treasurer Max Esper Joins Reese Tapper Ticket

  by Sophie Koh, special correspondent

  In a major development guaranteed to rock the sixth grade political world, two-term treasurer Max Esper will stand for re-election as the running mate of presidential candidate Reese Tapper.

  Mr. Esper is a longtime political insider who has held the treasurer’s job since losing his first presidential campaign to Claudia Tapper in early fifth grade.

  A political newcomer, Mr. Tapper’s presidential bid was considered a long shot until his opening campaign speech, when he played a recording of current president Claudia Tapper insulting soccer players and vowing to ban the sport if she is re-elected.

  Despite several requests for an interview, President Tapper has not commented publicly on the recording. Ed. Note: CHEAP SHOT

  The new Tapper-Esper alliance appeared to come as a surprise to Xander Billington, a soccer player who had previously been Mr. Tapper’s running mate.

  “Awwwww **** no!” Mr. Billington told a reporter, using a word that is not printable in a school newspaper.

  CLAUDIA

  The thing I REALLY didn’t understand was why Max had agreed to be Reese’s running mate.

  MAX

  It was all part of my plan.

  CLAUDIA

  What plan?

  MAX

  My plan to become president.

  CLAUDIA

  Max, that makes no sense at all! You were running for TREASURER.

  MAX

  Sure, in THIS election. But I was playing a long game.

  I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be president. But after I ran against you in fifth grade and lost, I figured I could never beat you head-to-head. UNLESS you suffered some humongous defeat that killed your whole career.

  And I figured Reese could make that happen. If he beat you, it’d be devastating! You’d be so humiliated, you’d quit SG and, like, join the math club or something. And even if you DID run again, nobody’d take you seriously.

  Plus, I figured Reese would be a total disaster as president. So if he ran for re-election, I’d crush him.

  Which meant that by running with Reese in SIXTH grade, what I was really doing was setting myself up to be president in SEVENTH grade.

  CLAUDIA

  So you were willing to elect someone who’d be a complete disaster—just to help your own career?

  MAX

  Exactly.

  CLAUDIA

  Wow, Max. That is just really, really cynical and wrong.

  MAX

  Oh, get over yourself, Claudia. Sometimes politics isn’t pretty.

  CLAUDIA

  The only person who was more shocked than me when he heard the Max news… was Reese. Because it turned out Kalisha hadn’t even told him it was happening.

  REESE

  She sort of did. After Mom made her take down the “Reese for President” page, I called Kalisha and was like, “I’m SO SORRY I messed up again! What can I do to fix it? Do you want another guiltshake?”

  KALISHA

  I said, “There’s this one thing I need you to do.… But if I tell you what it is, you might mess it up. So just tell me it’s okay for me to do it myself. And after it’s over, I’ll tell you what it was.”

  REESE

  I was like, “Deal.” Because Kalisha’s super-smart. So I trusted her.

  But when she called on Sunday afternoon and was like, “Great news! We dumped Xander for Max!” I was SERIOUSLY spun out.

  Xander’s my bud! We’ve been friends since pre-K! So I told Kalisha there was no way I could do it.

  KALISHA

  I said, “It’s too late. You already did it. The article’s coming out in five minutes.”

  REESE

  I was like, “Oh, this is skronking BAAAAD. How am I going to tell Xander?”

  KALISHA

  I said, “Don’t worry. Sophie was about to call him for a comment. So I think he already knows.”

  REESE

  Then I looked back at the computer screen, and Xander was chopping me into little pieces on MetaWorld.

  Which was NOT cool. Because it was a team deathmatch—and we were on the same team! But I guess if I was Xander, I would’ve been pretty mad, too.

  METAWORLD CHAT LOG

  XIzKillinIt Ed. Note: Xander killed. Skronkmonster Ed. Note: Reese

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