by Geoff Rodkey
>
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
JAMES
It actually worked out very well for me. I’d been looking for a running mate who was desperate and ruthless. So Xander was a very good fit.
XANDER
J-Mo Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for James Mantolini was all, “My campaign’s about Free Range Education. You down with that?”
And I was all, “Yo, MY campaign’s about REVENGE! You down with THAT?”
And J-Mo was like, “Yeah, that works, too.”
REESE
I was SO spun out! Xander totally stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t even play on my team in deathmatches anymore!
And Kalisha was like, “Hey—politics ain’t beanbag.”
I still don’t know what she meant by that. But whatever.
CHAPTER 17
THE DEBATE DEBATENOT A TYPO
CLAUDIA
After we got the Max news, Akash and I had another emergency meeting. By the time I got to Hot & Crusty, he was on his second chocolate cigar. And he’d just had what he claimed was a “brilliant idea.”
AKASH
All we needed was a debate!
Reese’s big weakness was that he’s totally clueless. Right? So if we had a debate—and he had to stand up in front of everybody and talk about the issues—it’d be a total train wreck! He’d get laughed out of the room!
BOOM! Game over.
CLAUDIA
There was just one problem: there had never been a sixth grade presidential debate before. Ever. And the election was just five days away.
Plus, I knew there was no way Reese would agree to it.
AKASH
Those were details! You don’t hire an evil genius for the details! You hire him for the genius!
Candidate debate! BOOM! If I had a mic, I would’ve dropped it right there.
CLAUDIA
So Akash stuck me with the job of figuring out how to make the debate happen. The first thing I had to do was get Reese to agree to show up for it.
Let me just say that I am NOT proud of how I pulled that off. But my presidency was on the line. I absolutely, positively HAD to get Reese to agree to a debate.
And the only way I could do it was by getting Mom and Dad involved.
REESE
IT WAS SO NUTS!!! EVERYBODY GANGED UP ON ME AND I NEVER SHOULD’VE HAD TO DO IT AND MOM AND DAD ALWAYS TAKE YOUR SIDE AND IT WAS TOTALLY UNFAIR!!!
CLAUDIA
This was one of those times when Reese was actually right. Ed. Note: but still way too emotional It’s a free country. And tbh, Mom and Dad should NOT have forced him to debate me.
But they did. I don’t want to get into details, but it was ugly. And I feel VERY bad about that.
REESE
SO… SKRONKING… WRONG!!!!!!
CLAUDIA
I know! But I totally made it up to you! For like a month afterwards, whenever we went out to eat, I voted for pizza instead of sushi EVEN THOUGH I’d much rather have sushi.
REESE
I guess that was cool of you. Making me debate was still totally weak, though.
CLAUDIA
It really was. I am officially sorry for that.
Anyway… Thanks to Mom and Dad, by the time I sat down on Sunday night to write Vice Principal Bevan an email officially proposing a candidate debate, I was able to sign both my name AND Reese’s name to it.
I thought it was a very effective email. I listed fourteen reasons why a debate would be good for the sixth grade. And also democracy in general.
I was also very careful not to mention James Mantolini. Because I didn’t want to remind Mrs. Bevan that if there was a debate, James might be involved.
I sent the email late Sunday night. When I got up on Monday morning, Mrs. Bevan had already replied:
JOANNA BEVAN, Vice Principal, Culvert Prep Middle School (email)
From: jbevan
To: [email protected]
Date: 01/25/15 11:37:08 PM EDT
Subject: Re: A Proposal For A Presidential Debate (From Claudia and Reese Tapper)
Hello, Claudia and Reese:
Thank you for taking the time to make your case for holding a sixth grade presidential debate.
I, too, believe that “free speech is the cornerstone of our society.”
I am less sure, however, that not holding a debate “risks destroying everything our forefathers fought and died for” and “might plunge our world into a new dark age.” Ed. Note: quotes from my original email
Also, with the election just five days away, there unfortunately isn’t time in the academic schedule to host a debate during the school day.
Perhaps we can revisit the idea during the next election in September?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Bevan
CLAUDIA
This was disappointing.
But I didn’t give up. First thing Monday morning, I went to SG’s faculty advisor, Mr. McDonald. No offense to Mrs. Bevan, but Mr. McDonald’s usually a little more “free speech” than she is.
I only had to mention the first six of my fourteen points before Mr. McDonald agreed to host a debate in his classroom on Wednesday after school. Which was awesome!
Except for the “after school” part.
AKASH
That pretty much un-dropped the mic right there. No sixth grader on earth actually WANTS to watch a debate. If you can’t force them to go, they won’t show up.
So really, the only reason to do one after school was for the media coverage. Ed. Note: media coverage = article in school paper
CLAUDIA
Akash was right. I desperately needed Sophie to write two articles for the Chronicle: one telling people about the debate (so hopefully at least a couple of people would show up), and a second one after the debate telling everybody how stupid I’d made Reese look.
Since Sophie was still my absolutely best friend on earth, I didn’t think this would be a problem.
I was wrong.
CHAPTER 18
Ed. Note: MY BEST FRIEND’S MEDIA BIAS IS KILLING ME
CLAUDIA
Since Sophie’s last article had been totally pro-Reese and even took a cheap shot at me, I felt like she owed me HUGE.
SOPHIE
See, I felt like YOU owed ME. Because both times I asked you for quotes, you wouldn’t give me any! You were totally not helpful AT ALL.
But Kalisha was being SUPER-helpful.
KALISHA
Here’s the thing about reporters: they’re either your best friend or your worst enemy.
So you REALLY want them to be your best friend. Ed. Note: SOOO frustrating (b/c the reporter ACTUALLY WAS my best friend) And the way you do that is by giving them stories to write about.
CLAUDIA
This is EXACTLY what I was trying to do when I took Sophie aside before English class and told her about the debate.
SOPHIE
I said, “Great. I’ll add it to my next piece.”
CLAUDIA
It wasn’t until I was sitting in English class that I started wondering what Sophie meant by “my next piece.” It must have been mostly done by then, because it posted right before lunch.
REESE-ESPER TICKET TO MAKE HISTORY! Ed. Note: NOT ACTUALLY HISTORIC
Online Campaign Rally In MetaWorld Tonight at 8 p.m. Ed. Note: NOT REALLY NEWS
by Sophie Koh, special correspondent
In what sources say is a historic, first-of-its-kind event, the Re
ese Tapper for President campaign will host an online rally tonight on the popular video game platform Meta-World.
The event, set for 8 p.m. in front of Mr. Tapper’s castle on the “Planet Amigo” server, will mark the official introduction of treasurer Max Esper as Reese’s running mate.
Excitement about the event is running high among MetaWorld players.
“It’s going to be sick!” said sixth grader Wyatt Templeman, who later explained that he meant “sick” in the sense of “awesome,” and not its traditional meaning of “unwell” or “barfy.”
“This isn’t just historic because there’s never been a campaign rally in MetaWorld before,” said Mr. Tapper’s campaign manager, Kalisha Hendricks. “We’re also bringing together two completely different types of MetaWorld player.”
Mr. Esper, a longtime MetaWorlder, agreed. “That’s totally true,” he said. “I’ve practically never even been on a Conquest mode server. So I’m psyched to see what this Planet Amigo’s like.” Ed. Note: NO ACTUAL NEWS HERE, JUST MAJOR PRO-REESE BIAS
In other election news, on Wednesday there will be a candidate debate somewhere.
CLAUDIA
I was so mad at Sophie I almost couldn’t breathe. And I did NOT know what to do. Sophie’s coverage just seemed COMPLETELY unfair.
I felt like I had to confront her about it. Except I couldn’t. Because I was worried if we got in a huge fight, she’d be even MORE unfair. And I REALLY needed her to write a good article about how I crushed Reese in the debate. Ed. Note: hadn’t actually happened yet… but I was VERY confident
But I am NOT good at pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. So I basically had to avoid Sophie the whole rest of the day. This was tough, because we eat lunch together.
PARVATI
Can I just say, when you showed up at Ms. Santiago’s lunch club for kids who need extra help in math? I practically passed out. I was like, “OMG! I thought you were a math genius!”
And you were like, “Shhhhhh!”
CLAUDIA
Then there was the whole MetaWorld campaign rally situation. I’ll let Kalisha explain that.
KALISHA
All I knew about MetaWorld was that a ton of kids were totally obsessed with it—including BOTH the Nerdy Boys AND all of Reese’s soccer friends.
And it turns out there are two completely different ways you can play MetaWorld: “Society” mode and “Conquest” mode.
In Society mode, you build these incredibly complicated planets with their own government and economy and stuff. And you have to figure out how to keep them from falling apart. It actually seems very educational.
In Conquest mode, you just run around and kill each other. It’s definitely NOT educational. It’s just dumb. And violent.
REESE
I play Conquest mode.
KALISHA
No kidding.
MAX
I play Society mode. All the nerds do. We kind of look at the Conquest mode kids like they’re cavemen.
SOCIETY MODE LOOKS LIKE THIS:
<
The leader of Planet Toby wants to negotiate a trade pact with you. Press [a] to lower tariffs and expand trade.
CONQUEST MODE LOOKS LIKE THIS:
<
KALISHA
So I thought, “What if we invite all the Nerdy Boys from Society mode to a campaign rally in front of Reese’s castle in Conquest mode?”
It seemed like a great way to get the nerds more comfortable with voting for Reese. And since I’d never played MetaWorld, I had to rely on Reese’s judgment about whether it was a good idea.
REESE
Kalisha was like, “Think really hard. Is there ANY WAY this could go horribly wrong?”
And I was like, “No.”
But I guess I didn’t think hard enough.
CLAUDIA
One of the many things Reese forgot to tell Kalisha was that his castle was on the “Planet Amigo” Conquest mode server.
And the person who not only created Planet Amigo, but also admins it—meaning he runs the whole planet and has godlike powers to do ANYTHING HE WANTS TO ANYBODY—was Akash. Ed. Note: i.e., MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER
So I felt pretty good about the odds of something going horribly wrong at Reese’s rally.
CHAPTER 19
SHOCKING DEVELOPMENTS ON METAWORLD
CLAUDIA
When I found out Reese and Max’s big campaign rally was happening on a server controlled by my evil genius of a campaign manager, I got very excited.
And then I got very disappointed.
Because when it came to using his admin powers to mess with people, Akash was RIDICULOUSLY non-evil.
AKASH
You can’t just go griefing people when you’re an admin! It’s a position of real responsibility! And I take it very seriously. I’m a fair god.
Not to mention a polite host. Like, I have manners. OK? So if a bunch of nerdy Society mode kids were going to log on to MY planet for the first time, there was NO WAY I was just going to, like, strike them dead with lightning bolts.
CLAUDIA
You could’ve done SOMETHING. Like making it rain blood or whatever.
AKASH
Do you know how long raining blood would’ve taken me to code? Plus, I had an English paper due the next day. So I didn’t even have time to log on that night.
CLAUDIA
SO frustrating.
Without Akash’s help, pretty much all I could do was go to the rally and heckle it in the chat. Which seemed pretty lame.
But I went anyway. So did half our class. The rally somehow turned into the online social event of the week—even kids who’d never played MetaWorld decided to create avatars so they could check it out.
Like Jens.
JENS AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
Hi! Do u know how to make the MetaWorld person?
Why?
I am interested for rally
Call me and I will walk you through it
CLAUDIA
I was pretty surprised Jens wanted to go to the rally. But it seemed like a good chance to hang out together. So I told him how to create an avatar and log on to Planet Amigo. Then he picked me up at my hut before the rally.
<
<
<
<
<
CLAUDIA
I wasn’t the only person who had a date for the campaign rally. About half an hour before it started, Kalisha showed up at our apartment.
KALISHA
I needed to be sitting next to Reese during the rally. Because this was a VERY important event. So there was no way I was going to let him type his own chat messages.
REESE
It totally wasn’t a big deal that Kalisha came over. I don’t know why Ashley thought she had to text Mom about it.
ASHLEY AND MOM (text messages)
(Ashley) Hi! Is it ok if Reese has a girl over?
(MOM) OMG. What girl?
Kelesha?
Does it seem romantic?
Prob not. Shes 4 inches taller than him
What are they doing?
Shes typing on his computer. Think maybe hes paying her 2 do his homework???
If she’s good at math, give her my number and ask her to call me to discuss tutoring R
CLAUDIA
When we got close to Reese’s castle, I was pretty annoyed to see a huge crowd of avatars in front of it.
But at least the news media wasn’t covering the event.
SOPHIE
My parents don’t let me use electronics on school nights unless it’s for homework. So I couldn’t cover the rally in person. Or in avatar. Or whatever you call
it.
CLAUDIA
When Jens and I got close, I saw there was a VIP section set up for all the Nerdy Boys coming over from Society mode. Unlike the Conquest mode thugs, the Society moders didn’t have weapons. And some of their avatars looked pretty cool.
JENS
The guys in VIP were for sure dressed good.
