by Geoff Rodkey
CLAUDIA
Okay, whatever. Somebody hung up on somebody. Then Sophie called Carmen. And I started messaging Carmen and Parvati at the same time.
CARMEN
I’d never heard Sophie that upset. And you were so mad, you were typing in all caps for, like, an hour.
And I did NOT know what to do. Because you’re both my friends! But you were trying to make me choose sides.
PARVATI
I’m just glad we had a snow day Thursday. ’Cause it would’ve been a NIGHTMARE trying to figure out who was going to sit with who at lunch. The drama level was just off the charts.
ESPECIALLY after you went nuclear, Claudia.
CLAUDIA
I am not proud of that. I should NOT have gone nuclear.
But I did: I unfriended Sophie on ClickChat.
CLICKCHAT NOTIFICATIONS PAGE FOR CLAUDIA TAPPER
You and sophie_k_nyc are no longer friends
CHAPTER 24
WORST SNOW DAY EVER
CLAUDIA
While I was going through an incredibly painful breakup with my best friend, Reese was getting back together with his.
REESE
Xander hadn’t talked to me since Sunday. Which was REALLY bumming me out. Like, usually when he says he’ll never forgive me and I’m dead to him? He gets over it in like an hour.
So this was pretty serious.
But that night, we were both in the same deathmatch on MetaWorld—and I saw this dude sneaking up on Xander.
So I snuck up on THAT dude and killed him. And Xander was psyched.
METAWORLD CHAT LOG
Skronkmonster killed Ghostrahm.
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BRO… HUG IT OUT!!!>>
REESE
So we MetaWorld hugged. And I was like, “This is awesome—I should take a screenshot.”
And that’s how I wound up getting a shot of the EXACT moment Xander stabbed me in the back.
METAWORLD CHAT LOG
XIzKillinIt killed Skronkmonster.
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REESE
So that was awesome. Then Kalisha texted me. And THAT was awesome, too.
KALISHA AND REESE (text messages)
You won the debate!
For realz????
Actually no. The squirrel won. But close enough! Check out the article: http://culvertchron…
Thats awesum!
Start planning your transition Ed. Note: transition = when new president comes in and old one leaves —YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE SIXTH GRADE
WOOOOOOOOOOT!
Wait whats a transition
REESE
Then things got even awesomer! Ed. Note: Notr Ar Realr Wordr Because the next morning was a SNOW DAY! So me and Xander and Wyatt sledded Central Park! It was beast.
CLAUDIA
I’m glad Ed. Note: more sarcasm one of us was having fun.
I spent the rest of Wednesday night lying in bed, listening to Miranda Fleet breakup songs Ed. Note: supposedly about boyfriends—but lyrics actually made sense for regular friends, too on repeat while I stared at my ceiling and wondered where I could move to start my life over.
The next morning was even worse. Normally, I love snow days because Mom and Dad are at work and Ashley doesn’t come in till three, so I can watch Violent Housewives without getting yelled at. Ed. Note: totally inappropriate for kids (but hilarious)
But that morning, watching it made me feel gross, because seeing the housewives go at each other just reminded me of my fight with Sophie. So I called Jens, figuring he would be supportive and cheer me up.
But that did not exactly work out.
JENS
You were so sad! And I wanted to make you feel better! This is why I said the Government of Students is stupid and no one cares about it. And you should let Reese be president and make something more cool with your life.
I was trying to help! I for sure did not think it would make you cry.
CLAUDIA
To be fair to Jens, once I started crying, he did take it all back. And he tried his best to comfort me.
Which I know was not easy. Because I was basically a hot mess.
But tbh, it made me worry about our relationship. Jens and I are very different people. And long term, I am not 100% sure it’s going to work out.
The thought that I might have to break up with Jens—on top of my horrible breakup with Sophie—AND the fact that I was about to lose the election to someone who’s so clueless he thinks “awesomer” is a word—was just too much.
I had never felt so sad and alone in my entire life.Ed. Note: approx. 3x worse than when Meredith became a Fembot in 5th grade
So I decided to go to 16 Handles and eat my feelings.
Fortunately—because it is VERY unhealthy to eat your feelings, and frozen yogurt does not solve anything, even with unlimited toppings—16 Handles didn’t open till eleven.
But after I’d walked all the way over there through the slushy streets, it did NOT seem fortunate. It just seemed like proof that my whole life was one big fail. So I trudged back home… and totally soaked my foot in a giant freezing puddle on Broadway and 79th.
That was pretty much the last straw. I cried the whole rest of the way home. When I got back to our building, I was such a puddle that Peter the doorman asked if he should call my parents. Ed. Note: P is nicest doorman EVER
I went back up to our apartment, took off my soggy boots and socks, and got out my guitar. I’d been so busy with the campaign, I hadn’t even practiced in almost a week. After I tuned it, I strummed some minor chords. Ed. Note: minor chords = saddest of all chords
Then I decided to write a song about how miserable I was. But I’d only gotten one line written Ed. Note: “It’s over and it’s dead/and I want to stay in bed…”—which tbh was kind of a lame line when Akash texted me with the shocking news:
AKASH (text message)
FEMBOT VOTE IN PLAY CALL ME ASAP
CHAPTER 25
THE FEMBOTS AWAKEN
CLAUDIA
Up until this point, I hadn’t spent any time at all thinking about the Fembots, because A) they are not exactly huge fans of mine, and B) Akash had told me they never vote in elections.
But that hadn’t stopped him from trying to cut a last-minute deal with them.
AKASH
Pretty much all the voters had made up their minds. And you were down by three votes. So the ONLY way you could win was if we convinced some NON-voters to vote for you.
And the only non-voters in the sixth grade are Fembots. So on Wednesday night, I messaged Athena Cohen.
And that’s when I found out Reese had REALLY ticked them off.
AKASH AND ATHENA (ClickChat Direct Messenger)
Hey, AC—just checking in re. election. Any chance u might change yr mind about voting?
I told u voting is for losers
But I feel like I should just to make Reese suffer
That is FANTASTIC idea
Why shld Reese suffer?
OMG he is the WORST. He was
SOOO cruel to Clarissa. And nobody
messes w my friends. I AM GOING
TO RUIN HIM
KALISHA
Okay, this part was crazy. REALLY crazy.
Remember how Clarissa was crushing on Reese? And I made him go to the yogurt place to hang out with her? But it was a train wreck, because he doesn’t know how to talk to girls?
At some point during that whole thing… and I don’t know if it was Reese’s fault or Clarissa’s… but she got the idea that they were ACTUALLY GOING OUT.
>
So Clarissa spent the next five days waiting for him to text her again. And getting REALLY mad when he didn’t.
And because all the Fembots share the same brain, that got the rest of them worked up, too.
ATHENA
I’m sorry, but Reese was, like, TOTALLY classless. I mean, people break up all the time. They grow apart, they move on, whatever. It happens. No judgments.
But when you break up with somebody? HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL THEM!
REESE
This is TOTALLY CRAY! I didn’t even know we were going out! And if you’re not going out with somebody? You should NOT have to break up with them.
CLAUDIA
I tried to interview Clarissa about the situation. But she wouldn’t discuss it with me. All she’d say for the record were four words:
CLARISSA PARKER, Fembot/non-voter
I’m SO over it.
AKASH
Not by Wednesday night, she wasn’t.
And I could’ve cared less about their little sixth-grade soap opera—except it gave us an opening big enough to drive a truckload of votes through.
ATHENA AND AKASH (ClickChat Direct Messenger)
I AM GOING TO RUIN HIM
Vote for Claudia! That would def ruin him
Yeah but irl who really cares about the election?
Reese does! Seriously, he’d be devastated if he lost. And if u and Clarissa/Meredith/Ling vote against him he will DEFINITELY lose
Maybe… But Claudia is totally lame.
Don’t think of it as a vote for Claudia. Think of it as a vote AGAINST Reese
CLAUDIA
I’d just like to say that reading this made me uncomfortable.
AKASH
That’s how most people vote! Why do you think negative ads are so popular? Seriously, 99% of real elections come down to who voters hate less. Ed. Note: “negative ads” = campaign ads that make your opponent look bad
CLAUDIA
Just because it’s true doesn’t mean I have to like it.
And what came next made me even MORE uncomfortable.
ATHENA AND AKASH (ClickChat Direct Messenger)
If we vote for Claudia, what will she do for us?
What do you mean?
I know how politics works. My Dad gives major $$ to politicians. If I give Claudia votes, I have to get something for it
What do you want?
Give me a minute to think
AKASH
It took her a lot longer than a minute. It was more like two hours.
AKASH AND ATHENA (ClickChat Direct Messenger)
So….?
Hang on talking to Ling
OK here’s what we need if u want our votes:
sushi in the cafeteria
cell phones in class
yogurt machine in lounge
Crème de la mer moisturizer Ed. Note: TOTALLY CRAZY how expensive this stuff is (like $150 per ounce) in girls bathroom
winter break starts two days earlier
fire Ms. Santiago and Mr. Greenwald
no gym if you just got a manicure
$500
Let’s take this offline. What’s yr phone #
CLAUDIA
I have to say, I was personally shocked when I saw that list. If I’d known just how insane the Fembots’ demands were, I NEVER would’ve agreed to a secret meeting with them.
AKASH
No kidding! That’s why I didn’t tell you about it until I’d bargained them down to one tiny, little, totally reasonable demand.
And give me some credit! I handed the whole election to you on a silver platter! All you had to do was show up for a meeting with the Fembots, agree to their one TOTALLY MINOR demand, and you’d win!
That’s some A-plus evil geniusing right there. And you didn’t even thank me for it.
CLAUDIA
Thank you.
I think.
CHAPTER 26
THE SECRET STARBUCKS SUMMIT MEETING
CLAUDIA
My secret summit meeting with Athena and Meredith took place at the Starbucks on the corner of 85th and Lexington.
And because I had no idea what to expect—except that Akash had said the Fembots were offering to vote for me in exchange for some kind of political favor—I decided to wear a wire.
And by “wear a wire,” I mean “keep my phone in my pocket with the voice memo app on.”
Here’s the transcript, minus a couple of minutes at the beginning when Athena made fun of Meredith for ordering a Gingerbread Chai Latte from the Secret Menu. And then told me my coat was “soooo retro.”
Which I’m pretty sure is Fembot-speak for “ugly.”
TRANSCRIPT OF SECRET FEMBOT SUMMIT MEETING
ATHENA COHEN: I guess it looks good on YOU, though. I mean, as long as you’re wearing that scarf, at least it matches.
MEREDITH TIMMS: Totally. It matches the scarf.
ATHENA: I just SAID that, Meredith.
MEREDITH: Sorry! I’m sorry. Ed. Note: watching Meredith cower in fear of Athena was terrifying irl
CLAUDIA TAPPER: So… Akash said you guys, um…
ATHENA: Right. So here’s the deal: I can get you a ton of votes. Because, like, I don’t want to sound egotistical? But my opinion matters. Like, people listen to me. So if I was, like, “Everybody vote for Claudia”—you’d win. No question. Ed. Note: UGH! disgusting (but prob true)
MEREDITH: It’s totally true.
ATHENA: But, like, there’s a price. Okay? Because, like, I’m sorry, but nothing’s free. Okay? And, like, the sad thing is, there’s SO LITTLE you can offer me. Because—ohmygosh, that boy over there is SO cute.
MEREDITH: He totally is.
ATHENA: Just look at him! I bet he goes to Collegiate.
MEREDITH: He is SO boss.
ATHENA: Settle down, Meredith! Ohmygosh, you’re, like, drooling on yourself. It’s sad.
MEREDITH: I wasn’t! I was just—
ATHENA: Whatever. Control yourself.
MEREDITH: Sorry!
CLAUDIA: Um… so…
ATHENA: Okay. So, like, I talked to that Akash kid. And I’m sorry, but it is just sad how little power you have. I mean, it’s, like, a total joke that you’re, like, “president” or whatever. Because everything I asked for, he was, like, “Yeah… she can’t actually do that.” So whatever. But, like, this whole roof thing—like, that’s under discussion, right? Like whether boys can play soccer up there and stuff?
CLAUDIA: There’s been a lot of discussion, yeah.
ATHENA: And, like, people will actually listen to you? So if you go, “Here’s what we should do with the roof,” like, the principal or whoever will actually pay attention?
CLAUDIA: Well, I… yeah, I have a voice in it. Yeah.
ATHENA: So here’s the deal: we want to sunbathe up there.
CLAUDIA: Sunbathe?
ATHENA: Yeah. Like, not now. Obviously. But when it’s warm. Like, May and June. Because the roof gets SERIOUSLY good light that time of year.
MEREDITH: Seriously. Really good light.
ATHENA: And it would be SO huge for laying down a base before summer. Like, if we could go up there during break and at lunch? And just get, like, twenty minutes to work on our tans? It would be SO boss. But, like, we can’t have soccer balls flying all over the place while we’re laying out. Or that—what was the thing that dork Carmen was talking about?
MEREDITH: Solar panels.
ATHENA: Ohmygosh. NO way. Because they’d just, like, get in the way and make shadows and stuff. So forget that.
CLAUDIA: But… umm… I mean, you can really only sunbathe up there a couple months a year? So—
ATHENA: The rest of the time, it should just be closed. Because you don’t want people thinking they can just, like, go up there whenever they want.
CLAUDIA: I’m just a little worried that, um… it’s kind of a tough sell? Because if I told, like, Vice Principal Bevan that I thought the roof should only be open for sunbathing? I’d pr
obably get some side-eye for that.
ATHENA: DUH! Of course you would! That’s why you have to lie. Like, make up a cover story. You wouldn’t call it sunbathing—you’d call it, like, “quiet sitting” or, “enjoying the fresh air” or whatever. I mean, obviously. You don’t call it what it is.
MEREDITH: Of course not.
ATHENA: So that’s the deal—we make you president. And you give us the roof. For sunbathing. JUST us—like, keep all the soccer idiots and solar panel freaks and everybody else away from it. Okay?
CLAUDIA: Umm… let me just, like… talk to Akash. And make sure it’s, uh… doable. And get back to you. Is that okay?
ATHENA: Whatever. Yeah. Like, if you don’t want to win the election, that’s fine, too.
MEREDITH: Totally fine.
