by Geoff Rodkey
I didn’t do that! All I did was point out all the things—like Spirit Week, the bake sale, the food drive—that you have to deal with when you’re president. And that my brother was totally clueless about.
Which I thought was important for voters to know.
I was also pointing out that this was MY LAST CHANCE. If the debate didn’t change anybody’s vote, I was going to lose to my brother… who barely knows what a bake sale IS, much less how to run one.
SOPHIE
And all I could say was, “I will ask questions that a good candidate can totally crush. So there’s nothing for you to worry about.” Ed. Note: actually LOTS OF THINGS for me to worry about
CHAPTER 22
SHOWDOWN IN ROOM 432
CLAUDIA
Just looking at the audience that showed up for the debate made me realize Sophie’s media coverage was going to be VERY important.
Because pretty much nobody was there.
There were a total of fourteen people in the room, which sounds like a lot. But it wasn’t. Because three of us were IN the debate (me, Reese, and James), four were my supporters (Akash, Parvati, Carmen, and Jens), three were Reese’s supporters (Kalisha, Max, and Wyatt), one was James’s supporter (Xander), one was the moderator (Sophie), and one was Mr. McDonald.
So technically, the only audience member was Bryce Thompson.
And Bryce was only there because he had detention. Ed. Note: Bryce is a soccer idiot (so was def. voting for Reese)
BRYCE THOMPSON, member of debate audience
Mr. McDonald made me stay after school for playing Exploding Cows on my phone during class. So it’s not like I meant to watch the debate. I was just sitting there.
It turned out to be pretty hilarious, though.
CLAUDIA
I personally did NOT find the debate hilarious. In fact, I thought it was a very sad day for democracy.
Sophie recorded the whole thing on her iPod, and here is the transcript of it:
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
MR. MCDONALD: Okay! Thanks for coming, everybody. The format is as follows: the moderator asks a question, then each candidate has up to two minutes to answer. I’ll keep time. And please don’t interrupt each other. Okay? Great. Take it away, Sophie.
SOPHIE KOH: Welcome, candidates, and thank you, Mr. McDonald, for hosting this debate. I’m here on behalf of the Culvert Chronicle as its sixth grade correspondent. And I just want to say these questions were prepared by me alone, with help from concerned voters, and were NOT shared with any candidates beforehand. I am being completely fair and impartial.
XANDER BILLINGTON: (unintelligible) Ed. Note: weird cough that sounded like “KHA-BOGUS!”
MR. MCDONALD: Cut it out, Xander.
SOPHIE KOH: The order of responses was chosen randomly. For the first question, it’ll be Reese, then James, then Claudia. After that, we’ll rotate. Okay? So. Question Number One: what do you think is the biggest problem facing the sixth grade, and as president, what would you do about it? Reese Tapper.
REESE TAPPER: What?
SOPHIE KOH: You’re first.
REESE TAPPER: Oh. Okay. Uhhh… What’s the question again?
SOPHIE KOH: “What do you think is the biggest problem facing the sixth grade, and as president, what would you do about it?”
REESE TAPPER: Yeah. Okay. So. Like…
[LONG SILENCE]
KALISHA HENDRICKS: (unintelligible)
MR. MCDONALD: No coaching, Kalisha.
KALISHA HENDRICKS: I wasn’t coaching him! I was just saying it’s a VERY… GOOD… QUESTION.
REESE TAPPER: Totally! Super-good question. Really good. Like… yeah. Problems are huge. And really important. Super-important. In the future. Culvert Prep’s the future! For futuring. It’s really… there’s, like, future problems. So…
KALISHA HENDRICKS: (unintelligible) Ed. Note: weird cough that sounded like “KHA-FREEDOM”
REESE TAPPER: Freedom! THAT’S the big problem. The WHOLE PROBLEM is freedom—
KALISHA HENDRICKS: NOT the problem!
MR. MCDONALD: Kalisha—
REESE TAPPER: I mean, not the problem—freedom’s good. Super-good! And we have to, like… it’s important to be free. We should have freedom. To, like, play soccer on the roof. And other stuff. Because freedom. Totally. Can I be done now?
KALISHA HENDRICKS: YES!
MR. MCDONALD: That’s fine, Reese.
AKASH
I have to say, your brother really exceeded expectations. I mean, I would’ve been happy with just normal amounts of stupid. But he took it to a WHOLE other level. By the time he sat down, I was thinking, “Ten more minutes of this, and the election’s over.”
CLAUDIA
I agree. Especially because I could have CRUSHED that question. I had a great answer ready. It was all about my “Big Siblings” proposal. And if I’d been able to give it, it would’ve been TOTALLY OBVIOUS I was the only good choice for president.
But James went next. And he took the whole debate on an express train to Crazy Town:
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
SOPHIE KOH: Okay… Next is James Mantolini.
XANDER BILLINGTON: WHOOO! YOU DA MAN, J-MO!
JAMES MANTOLINI: Thank you!
XANDER BILLINGTON: WHOOOOOOO! TESTIFY!
MR. MCDONALD: Xander, please.
JAMES MANTOLINI: Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, members of the media, my esteemed opponents… I submit to you that the biggest problem we face today is SO HUGE we can’t even see it. We are surrounded by an evil SO COMPLETE we don’t even know it’s there!
XANDER: PREACH IT, J-MO!
JAMES MANTOLINI: I’m talking about furniture. Our teachers will tell you they’re just harmless “desks” and “chairs.” But let’s call them what they are: CAGES! Little wooden prisons designed to drain the life force from our animal natures! And we’ve been trapped inside them so long, we don’t even know who we are anymore! But today, I’ve brought along a little friend who I think can help us see the light.
CLAUDIA
At this point, James bent over, unzipped a duffel bag that was on the floor next to him, and pulled out a metal cage.
With a squirrel in it.
I have no idea how James managed to catch the squirrel. Or keep it quiet while it was in the duffel bag. But as soon as he picked up the cage and put it on the desk, the squirrel started going nuts.
So did Mr. McDonald.
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
JAMES: Say hello to Nutty—
[METAL RATTLING NOISES]
UNIDENTIFIED GIRL: Ed. Note: probably Parvati EEEEEEEEEEEK!
UNIDENTIFIED BOY: Ed. Note: Wyatt? Bryce? (not sure which) WHOA!
MR. MCDONALD: JAMES, WHAT ON EARTH—
JAMES: Nutty was born free! To scamper about—
MR. MCDONALD: THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE—
CLAUDIA
Right here is when Mr. McDonald marched up to the desk and tried to pick up the squirrel cage.
Except he picked it up by the wrong part of the cage.
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
JAMES:—on his little squirrel legs—
MR. MCDONALD: YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS SQUIRREL—
JAMES: That’s not a handle—!
MR. MCDONALD: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]
[RANDOM SHOUTING, SCREAMING, FURNITURE MOVING]
CLAUDIA
What Mr. McDonald thought was a handle turned out to be the quick release lever on the cage door. So when he yanked on it, the side wall of the cage popped up, and Nutty the Squirrel jumped out.
Then Nutty started zooming around the room, looking for an exit. Or possibly revenge. I’m not sure which.
And Parvati ran screaming for the door.
PARVATI
Excuse me, but I don’t know why EVERYBODY didn’t run screaming for the door. Squirrels carry diseases!
CLAUDIA
&
nbsp; When Parvati flung open the door, Nutty ran out and disappeared down the south stairs.
And that was the end of the debate. Because we had to spend the rest of the afternoon helping Mr. McDonald search the building for Nutty.
JENS
It was very strange. In Netherlands, debates are much longer in time. And nobody brings the animal.
KALISHA
Even without the squirrel, it wouldn’t have gone on that long. Because if Reese had started answering the second question the same way he answered the first one, I would’ve pulled the fire alarm.
Although I have to say, I think the audience really enjoyed it.
BRYCE
Best. Detention. EVER!
CLAUDIA
Oh, sure. Ed. Note: sarcasm Except for the part where it Killed. My. Campaign.
CHAPTER 23
NUTTY’S NUCLEAR FALLOUT
CLAUDIA
James’s bringing a live squirrel to the debate wound up having a TON of major repercussions.
First of all, James was suspended from school. It was originally three days, but it got reduced to one after his parents went to Mrs. Bevan and argued that Culvert Prep’s code of conduct doesn’t say anything about bringing wildlife to school.
They also claimed it was Mr. McDonald’s fault for opening the cage. Which, tbh, was kind of true.
Not only did James get suspended, but Mrs. Bevan took him off the ballot and banned him from ever running for office again.
JAMES
I wasn’t surprised. True revolutionaries are ALWAYS violently suppressed by the ruling class.
CLAUDIA
I don’t know, James. I personally believe there’s a fine line between a revolutionary and a crazy person. And you might be on the crazy side of it.
JAMES
I don’t expect to be understood in my lifetime, Claudia.
CLAUDIA
The second major thing was that school was closed all day Thursday, because that’s how long it took for the custodians to catch Nutty and return him to the wild. Or at least Central Park.
Coincidentally, a big snowstorm dumped twelve inches on New York City Wednesday night. So OFFICIALLY, Culvert Prep was closed for a Snow Day.
But everybody knew it was actually a Squirrel Day.
The third major thing was that on Wednesday night, Sophie’s article about the debate went up on the Chronicle site.
SIXTH GRADERS GO NUTS!
Mantolini Releases Live Squirrel During Candidate Debate
by Sophie Koh, special correspondent
This afternoon’s sixth grade presidential debate ended in chaos when a wild squirrel, brought in by candidate James Mantolini, escaped from its cage and rampaged through Room 432 before disappearing down a fourth-floor hallway.
As of 8:30pm, the squirrel was still at large inside Culvert Prep. Custodians are trying to capture the animal so it can be returned to Central Park, where it is believed to have lived before entering politics.
The episode began when Mr. Mantolini, while making a point about classroom furniture, removed the caged squirrel from a duffel bag and put it on a desk.
The debate’s faculty sponsor, Mr. McDonald, then tried to pick up the cage and accidentally opened it, resulting in the escape.
At press time, Mr. McDonald could not be reached for comment.
Afterwards, Mr. Mantolini was held for questioning in Vice Principal Bevan’s office. Following his release, he informed the Chronicle that his name was being removed from the presidential ballot.
“It’s obvious I’m being censored because the administration can’t handle my political views,” said Mr. Mantolini.
Sources familiar with the Vice Principal’s thinking believe this is untrue, Ed. Note: pretty sure Sophie was her own source for this and that Mr. Mantolini is only being censored to stop him from releasing wild animals at political events.
Voting in the sixth grade presidential election will take place during Friday Assembly.
CLAUDIA
Since my whole strategy for winning the election was based on getting great media coverage and making Reese look totally incompetent, this was a complete disaster for me. As soon as I read the article, I messaged Akash on ClickChat:
CLAUDIA AND AKASH (ClickChat Direct Messenger)
Did you see the article?
Brutal. Didn’t even mention yr name
B/C I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO ANSWER
A QUESTION!!! What can we do?
Gotta be honest: it looks bad. U r down by 3 votes and debate was last chance to move needle. Also prob snow day tomorrow so even harder to reach voters
If James not in race, can we pick up votes from his supporters?
James had no supporters. Except Xander. Who hates you
There must be something we can do
I’m an evil genius, not a magician. Can’t pull votes out of thin air. But I will keep thinking. In meantime, try to get Sophie to write another article
I will try. But she has been v annoying about helping me
I told you the media are vultures
CLAUDIA
Five minutes after that, the last—and definitely most horrible—major repercussion happened: Sophie and I got in a gigantic fight that was at least 17 times worse than the fight in Chapter 20.
It was so bad that when it ended, I was pretty sure my whole friendship with Sophie was over.
I really wish I was exaggerating.
SOPHIE
So, you called up and started yelling at me for only writing about the squirrel. Ed. Note: had to use phone b/c Sophie can’t use ClickChat on school nights (but CAN talk on phone) (which makes no sense) (but whatevs)
And I was like, “That’s all I wrote about, because that’s all that HAPPENED.”
Then you basically ordered me to write another article—
CLAUDIA
I didn’t order you—
SOPHIE
That’s how it sounded! And I told you I could only write another article if there was something to write about. I couldn’t just write about nothing.
CLAUDIA
This was very frustrating. Because if you ask me, a couple of those Reese articles WERE about nothing.
And it just seemed crazy that the only way I could get ANY kind of coverage was by doing something totally insane, like murdering a bunch of avatars or letting an animal loose in school.
So I told Sophie she should write about my Big Sibling idea, because A) it was a great idea that’d totally improve life at Culvert Prep, and B) her articles hadn’t mentioned it AT ALL.
SOPHIE
That really made me mad. Because I’m a reporter. I REPORT stuff. So if you don’t talk about it, I can’t report it.
And you’d hardly ever talked about the Big Sibling thing! So for you to suddenly be all, “Write this article about this thing I’ve NEVER EVEN DISCUSSED”?
It was crazy! So I said, “I’m not your puppet, okay?”
And then YOU said, “No kidding! You’re Kalisha’s puppet!”
CLAUDIA
Are you sure I said that? I could’ve sworn I was just thinking it.
SOPHIE
You definitely said it. And it TOTALLY set me off. Because I am NOBODY’S puppet.
CLAUDIA
Sophie exploded. She was like, “Why don’t you quit blaming me and take a look at yourself? You’re all, ‘Blah blah blah, Reese is so bad’—but you NEVER ONCE gave anybody a reason to vote for you!”
Which was incredibly hurtful. And seemed like total proof that Sophie was NOT on my side.
So I said—and I know this was drama-queen-y, but I was VERY upset—“I can’t believe this! You actually WANT me to lose!”
SOPHIE
Which was RIDICULOUS!
CLAUDIA
I was mad! Then you started going on about how journalists have to be fair to everybody. Which just made me madder. So finally, I said, “What’s more important to you: being a journalist, or being my friend?”
SOPHIE
And then I said, “What’s more important to YOU: being president, or being MY friend?”
CLAUDIA
I said, “That’s crazy! Why do I have to choose?” And THAT’S when you REALLY got mean.
SOPHIE
I definitely shouldn’t have said what I said right then.
CLAUDIA
But you did. You went, “You’re right—you don’t have to choose. Because your campaign stinks so bad, YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE no matter what!”
SOPHIE
And that’s when you hung up on me.
CLAUDIA
I didn’t hang up on you. YOU hung up on ME.
SOPHIE
No way! YOU hung up first.
