The Tapper Twins Run for President

by Geoff Rodkey

  ATHENA: Shut up, Meredith. I just said that.

  MEREDITH: Sorry! Do you want a latte?

  CHAPTER 27

  I GET ADVICE FROM GEORGE WASHINGTON

  CLAUDIA

  The first thing I did when I left Starbucks was text Akash.

  Actually, no. The first thing I did was drop my phone in a snowbank while TRYING to text Akash. Because I was freaking out. And running away from Starbucks as fast as I could. Through twelve inches of fresh snow. While wearing sneakers. Ed. Note: couldn’t wear boots b/c still soaked from earlier puddle

  The second thing I did was find my phone in the snowbank. Then I had to dry it out on my sweater while praying it still worked. Which I guess counts as two things.

  So really, the FIFTH thing I did was text Akash.

  CLAUDIA AND AKASH (text messages)

  SUNBATHING????!!!!!

  It’s a no-brainer

  IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN!!!!

  Since when do you hate sunbathing?

  I’M SERIOUS

  Turn off the caps lock! It’s like you’re yelling in my ear

  Sorry. But banning everybody from the roof all year… so the Fembots can sunbathe in June? It’s SO wrong! I’m supposed to be a president for everybody!

  You won’t be a president for ANYBODY if you don’t get re-elected

  I prob can’t get Mrs. Bevan to agree to it anyway

  Then great! Say you’ll do it, get their votes. After the election, tell them you tried and couldn’t make it happen

  So you want me to lie to them?

  This self-righteous thing is really annoying, Claudia

  Sometimes politics isn’t pretty

  You want to win? Make the deal

  You want to lose? Don’t make the deal

  But don’t get mad at me for doing my job

  I’m sorry. And thank you. I know how hard you’ve worked for me, and I really appreciate it. You’re a good friend.

  You’re welcome. Now quit texting me. I’m trying to play Blunt Force

  CLAUDIA

  I seriously did not know what to do. I was desperate for advice. But there was nobody around to give it to me.

  I couldn’t ask Carmen, because I knew she’d freak out about the Fembot-solar-panel situation. And Parvati was at Carmen’s, so I couldn’t text her without getting Carmen involved.

  Mom and Dad were at work, so I couldn’t talk to them.

  Jens was on his way to a movie. And tbh, kind of terrible at giving advice. Ed. Note: except about clothes (and soccer)

  Ashley was probably at an audition. And also not great with advice. Ed. Note: except about clothes (and makeup)

  The person I REALLY wanted to talk to was Sophie… but we weren’t friends anymore. Ed. Note: INCREDIBLY SAD

  So I wound up talking to George Washington.

  Not literally, because he has been dead for 200 years.

  And I didn’t PLAN to talk to him—I just sort of stumbled on him.

  Here’s what happened:

  By the time I finished texting Akash, I was on the M79 heading back to the West Side. And I wanted to go for a long walk, because long walks are a great way to clear your head and think about stuff.

  Unfortunately, New York City after a snowstorm is a terrible place for long walks. Especially if you’re wearing sneakers that are already half-soaked.

  But the M79 stops right by the Met—and the Met is ENORMOUS. You can literally spend the whole day in there and not even see all the rooms.

  So I decided to go to the Met and walk around until I could get my head straight.

  I started out in ancient Egypt, because Cleopatra was the most famous female leader I could think of, and I figured she might have had to deal with problems like the Fembots when she was queen. So if I could find her mummy or something, it might be very inspiring for me.

  But it turns out Cleopatra did not leave a mummy. Or, tbh, anything else inspiring. At least not at the Met.

  Then I left Egypt and got seriously lost. Plus the latte I’d had at Starbucks went straight through me. So pretty soon I was both seriously lost and REALLY had to pee.

  Eventually, I found a bathroom. After that, I went back to just being seriously lost.

  I was starting to think my whole “walking around the Met” plan was just the cherry on top of the Worst Snow Day Ever when I turned a corner and saw—from four rooms away—the most gigantic painting I’ve ever seen in my life.

  It was called Washington Crossing the Delaware.

  And it showed George Washington Ed. Note: 1st president/father of our country (duh) kicking serious butt.

  I felt like finding that painting was some kind of sign. And I should sit there for a while and try to imagine what George Washington would tell me to do if he was A) still alive, B) willing to talk to me about sixth grade politics, and C) didn’t get too confused when I tried to explain things like ClickChat to him.

  It didn’t take more than a minute of staring at that painting to figure out what George Washington’s advice would be:

  Stand up for what you believe in. Ed. Note: mostly b/c he was standing up in boat (and looked v. confident)

  And this is what I believe: politics ISN’T about cutting shady deals, or lying about your opponents, or posing for stupid photo ops, or sucking up to reporters to get them to write good stories about you.

  It’s about trying your hardest to make life better for people—and not just people who can do you favors, but ALL the people you represent.

  And I realized Sophie was right: the whole campaign, I hadn’t talked about that AT ALL. I hadn’t given people a reason to vote for me by standing up for what I believe in!

  So I decided to write a manifesto.

  I whipped out my phone, right there in front of the George Washington painting, and typed out everything I should’ve said from the beginning.

  Then I posted it on ClickChat. Because in the 21st century, if you are going to write a manifesto, ClickChat is the place for it.

  CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CLAUDAROO” (AKA CLAUDIA TAPPER) WALL

  37 likes

  claudaroo TO THE CULVERT PREP SIXTH GRADE: Before you vote in the election tomorrow, I want everybody to know where I stand on some important issues:

  claudaroo FIRST, I believe a class president should represent EVERYONE fairly and equally. I think our school is awesome, and I want to make sure everybody, no matter who you are or what stuff you’re into, has an equal chance to enjoy that awesomeness.

  claudaroo SECOND, I am VERY sorry for the comments I made about soccer. I said them in a fit of anger during a fight with my brother, and I absolutely did NOT mean them. It’s true I am not exactly a soccer fan, but I do NOT want to ban it. And as president, I would do my best to treat soccer players fairly and equally.

  claudaroo THIRD, even though I am not a soccer fan, I think banning it from the roof was a mistake. Obviously, people should NOT kick soccer balls off the roof. BUT I think there must be ways to make sure that doesn’t happen. If I get re-elected, I’ll work with the administration to make rules about that.

  claudaroo FOURTH, the roof is a place we should ALL be able to enjoy, no matter who we are. I think there must be a way to share it equally so kids can use it for sports, sunbathing, solar panels, and whatever else they want. Like I said, Culvert Prep should be awesome for ALL of us, no matter who we are.

  claudaroo FIFTH, THANK YOU! Serving as your president for the past three terms has been a wonderful experience. And even though I think I would do a GREAT job in a fourth term, if you disagree and want to vote for someone else, that’s ok, too.—Claudia

  CLAUDIA

  Right after I posted my manifesto, I sent Sophie a ClickChat friend request. Which was seriously embarrassing, because I never should’ve unfriended her in the first place. But fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for a response:

  CLICKCHAT NOTIFICATIONS PAGE FOR CLAUDIA TAPPER

  sophie_k_nyc has accepted your frien
d request Ed. Note: YAY!!!!!

  CHAPTER 28

  BEST SNOW DAY EVER

  CLAUDIA

  The rest of the snow day was pretty great. Sophie came over, and we hugged it out. Then we both promised never to fight like that again.

  Then we made hot chocolate and watched Thrones of Death. Because Sophie’s parents don’t let her watch it at her place.

  Technically, mine don’t, either. But it was a snow day, so I figured the normal rules shouldn’t apply. Ed. Note: NOTE TO MOM/DAD: watching Thrones of Death did NOT scar me for life

  After that, we baked some chocolate chip cookies. We’d just taken them out of the oven when Reese came back from sledding with Wyatt and Xander. And because we’d made way more cookies than we could eat, we gave them some.

  Reese and his friends were actually fun to hang out with for a change. Or at least they were until Xander put his wet socks on top of the oven next to the cookies.

  REESE

  Yeah, that was pretty gross. I told him not to do that.

  WYATT

  Sometimes, it’s annoying being Xander’s friend. He dropped a wet sock right on top of one of my cookies.

  XANDER

  Y’all were WAY too uptight about dem socks.

  But dem cookies doe! BEAST!

  CLAUDIA

  The best thing about the whole afternoon was that nobody mentioned the election. Personally, I felt like by posting my manifesto, I’d said everything I needed to say. And after a week of obsessing about it 24/7, I just wanted the whole thing to be over.

  I think Reese felt the same way.

  REESE

  The thing about a snow day is, you shouldn’t HAVE to think about stuff like elections. You should just have fun.

  Like, at one point when we were sledding, Max Esper called and said we had to have a meeting about the transition. He was all, “Something something agenda, blah blah blah committees.”

  And I was like, “Dude, we can have a meeting—but ONLY if it’s on an inner tube going down Cedar Hill.”

  And Max wasn’t into that. So no meeting.

  CLAUDIA

  After Sophie left around dinnertime, I finally went back on ClickChat to see how my manifesto was doing.

  It had 37 likes. Which I thought was pretty good, considering I didn’t pay for them. Ed. Note: unlike SOME PEOPLE (Kalisha)

  Although 37 votes wasn’t enough to win the election. And some of the likes were from people in other grades. Plus camp friends. And my cousins. And at least one rando. Ed. Note: “rando” = random person who follows you, but you have no idea who they are (might actually be robot) (if they have 0 posts + 2 followers + follow 3,000 people)

  So it was hard to tell if the manifesto had changed anybody’s mind. And the comment Athena left under my post did not exactly make me feel great:

  CLICKCHAT COMMENTS ON “CLAUDAROO” (AKA CLAUDIA TAPPER) WALL

  Parvanana #VoteClaudia

  c_2_the_g V proud to be your running mate

  kuypersjens Super!

  goddessgurrl Ed. Note: ATHENA THE FEMBOT Good luck not being president, loser

  CLAUDIA

  Mom and Dad both worked late that night, Ed. Note: (also every other night) and I was already in bed when Mom got home. She came into my room to say goodnight, and I showed her my manifesto. Which she told me was awesome.

  Then she gave me a little speech about how proud of me she was, and how much I had going for me brains- and talent-wise, and how no matter what happened in the election, there were a ton of ways I could make a difference in the world, so I shouldn’t sweat it if I lost.

  I felt very good about that… until weeks later, when I interviewed Reese for this oral history and found out what Mom told him in HIS going-to-bed speech.

  REESE

  She was like, “Dude—YOU BETTER BE NICE TO YOUR SISTER if you win. Because this election’s SUPER-important to her, and if she loses, she’ll be CRUSHED. So don’t do any sideline celebrating like when you score a goal in soccer. Or I’ll take away your phone for a month.”

  CLAUDIA

  I can’t believe it. Mom didn’t think I was going to win! SHE GAVE ME THE “LOSER” SPEECH!!! Ed. Note: Mom horrified at this—says we are “totally misrepresenting” her speeches

  REESE

  You think YOU got a bad speech? MOM DIDN’T TELL ME I HAVE BRAINS OR TALENT! It’s like she thinks I’m a total slug who just sits around playing video games!

  CLAUDIA

  You kind of are, though.

  REESE

  I PLAY SOCCER! THIS FAMILY IS SO UNFAIR!Ed. Note: Reese getting too emotional again

  CLAUDIA

  Mom wasn’t the only one who didn’t think I could pull it off. Right before I fell asleep, I got a ClickChat message from Akash:

  AKASH AND CLAUDIA (ClickChat Direct Messenger)

  Just saw yr manifesto. You actually WANT to lose, don’t you?

  What do you mean?

  What did I tell you about flip-flopping?

  All I did was tell the truth. And I feel really, really good about that.

  Then I’m happy for you. As long as you realize you’re doomed

  CHAPTER 29

  THE VOTERS VOTE

  CLAUDIA

  No matter what everybody else thought, I did NOT believe I was doomed. I still had faith that the voters of the sixth grade would read my manifesto, realize I was the best person for the job, and re-elect me president.

  But I was crazy nervous that whole day.

  REESE

  I can’t believe you barfed up your breakfast.

  CLAUDIA

  I did NOT barf up my breakfast.

  I ALMOST barfed up my breakfast. Also, I had to skip lunch. Because breakfast was still an issue at that point.

  BTW, walking around thinking I might barf at any second made it very hard to look confident and presidential.

  JENS

  I saw you at math class, and I had a lot of worry. Because your face was gray-colored.

  PARVATI

  I remember at lunch, I was like, “OMG, Claude—are you going to pass out?”

  CLAUDIA

  It was a rough day. And it didn’t exactly help that every time I passed my brother in the hallway, some soccer idiot was high-fiving him and yelling “YOU DA MAN!”

  REESE

  All the dudes on my team had my back. Which was beast! Except when Bryce said they were going to dump a cooler of Gatorade on my head when I won. I was a little worried about that. Gatorade’s really sticky.

  CLAUDIA

  The whole day, I kept hoping just one Reese voter would come up and tell me the manifesto had changed their mind. But nobody did.

  So by the time Mrs. Bevan started handing out ballots at Friday Assembly, I was starting to think I might be doomed after all.

  I was so stressed that when Xander jumped up and screamed “FREE J-MO!” I practically fell out of my chair.

  SOPHIE

  That was SO immature.

  XANDER

  Somebody had to represent fo’ dat political prisoner, yo! FREE J-MO! FREE J-MO!

  KALISHA

  I hate to get all uptight—but when Xander tried to get people to chant “NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE!”? I felt like that was very insulting to actual victims of injustice.

  James Mantolini wasn’t even suspended that day. He just had to sit in the principal’s office during Assembly so he wouldn’t cause trouble.

  JAMES

  If you don’t think Principal Spooner’s office is a prison, you have CLEARLY not spent any time in there. It’s like Alcatraz. If Alcatraz was full of ceramic cats.

  CLAUDIA

  After Mrs. Bevan sent Xander to join James in the principal’s office, she started walking through the room with the ballot box. Each time somebody stuck a ballot in the box, I tried to guess who they voted for.

  A lot of votes were totally obvious.

  Sophie, Parvati, Carmen, Charlotte, Yun, Jens: me. Ed. Note: if Jens didn’t vo
te for me, our relationship was DEF OVER

  Kalisha, Wyatt, Max, Bryce, Tucker, Dave: Reese.

  Athena, Clarissa, Ling, Meredith, and all their wannabes: nobody.

  Some votes were mostly obvious, like Charlotte (me) or Dimitri and Toby (Reese). And a couple were a tough call. But there wasn’t a single likely Reese voter that I thought I’d definitely won over. As they put their ballots in the box, not one of them looked my way or smiled or gave me a thumbs-up.

  So as Mrs. Bevan counted the votes, the shaky/gross feeling in my stomach got worse and worse.

  And when she announced that Max had won the treasurer’s race, it felt like a very bad sign. I reached out and gave Carmen’s hand a squeeze and whispered “Sorry!”