My Bed is a Blackhole

by Hadley Wickham

  ‘Doug.’ The sound of my voice calling his name made his head snap up and for a moment he appeared bewildered before his face took on a look of pathetic gratitude I’d never seen before.

  ‘Good luck,’ I said and he smiled. The smile that I didn’t realise I loved cracked open his mouth just as it did my glass world and I had to look away as my eyes began to sting.

  12

  Cody was everything I hated rolled into one slightly skinny, short guy with greasy black hair and ugly teeth. He was Italian, not that I hated Italians, but perhaps that somewhat explained his arrogance. Not to sound conceited but I was slightly insulted when Lev had introduced us. Did he really think this was the kind of guy I’d be interested in? Or even worse, was this the kind of guy I should be dating? I’d been stuck with him the entire night because Lev had only taken the time to introduce Cody to me, and in a room filled with drunken health science students a law student stuck out like a sore thumb. Despite my almost immediate reservations about Cody, Abby had been far too enthusiastic about him and did everything she could to encourage conversation between us. I think Abby was just trying to make me feel better and in her mind, the only way to do that was for me to fuck Cody. I’m not saying that method didn’t work, and it may have worked had Cody been more attractive. Yet in all honesty I just wasn’t interested. Don’t misunderstand me, it had crossed my mind; I had considered just hooking up with strangers but then I realised that for me there was no such thing as “just hooking up”. The last thing I need was hollow emotion because right now, that’s all I had. Unfortunately my morality appeared to be the only thing that Blackhole hadn’t swallowed and I was still stuck with its sickening decency. I didn’t want to sleep with Cody because that wouldn’t make anything better and certainly not the situation with Doug. Hurting him in the way that he had hurt me was only rational, but it made me feel sick. Apparently I still cared about Doug enough to put his feelings before my own. I deserved so much better than that.

  The only way to tolerate a conversation with Cody was not to take anything he said seriously, and that was easier to do drunk than sober. I’d already downed three ciders, two shots and was now drinking the god-awful punch that was essentially goon mixed with warm orange cordial. It was raining and everyone had been forced inside the house. Lev appeared to have grossly underestimated its capacity and everyone found themselves uncomfortably squished up against one another. Not that anyone minded. We were all too drunk to really care and several people had taken full advantage of the situation and started hooking up; I’d lost Abby and didn’t even know where Lev and Bryce were. I was sandwiched quite comfortably between Cody and some big hairy guy with a full beard and small eyes who I recognised from a few classes and introduced himself as Travis. Travis was great. Not only did he possess a wonderfully sarcastic sense of humour but he was also brilliant at infuriating Cody with his overly-friendly exuberance. More than once Cody had suggested we find another place to sit but I’d drunkenly mumbled I was happy where we were and didn’t want to move. Travis overheard Cody’s third request to move and perhaps in a show of solidarity with me, he began to make a scene.

  ‘Don’t you want to hang out with me, mate?’ Travis asked loudly, and the few people who were sober enough to notice looked over. I’d hoped Cody would recoil in embarrassment and offer some half-balled excuse, but he’d indignantly called Travis an arsehole which is why I’d suddenly found myself between two guys who were laughing at each other cockily and I got the feeling this was about to end badly.

  Like lightening, Cody’s fist lashed out in front of me and I heard a dull thud as it connected with something. My delayed reaction time meant I didn’t realise Cody’s punch had hit Travis’ collarbone until Travis had thrown himself over me and had punched Cody back on the side of his face.

  The freak horror that I was trapped between two drunken and fighting men made me sober almost instantly and surprisingly, I was frightened. I scrunched up my face and pressed myself flat against the couch, trying to slide down to the floor as more people started to notice the fight and yell. Someone kept on repeating “hey” loudly and I realised that I couldn’t move because Travis was still leaning over me. A hand quickly grabbed my forearm and roughly pulled me back up from my sunken position. This was followed by another arm slipping under my armpit and hastily dragging me up over the back of the couch so that my skirt hiked up and made me flash anyone that happened to be looking. Yet I was on my feet, standing behind the couch and relieved to be out from under Travis.

  ‘You okay?’ Lev looked down at me. He was the one who’d pulled me out and I quickly nodded but it took me another moment to actually verbalise any indication I wasn’t hurt.

  ‘Yeah I’m fine.’

  Lev appeared to believe me as he then leapt over the couch himself and tried to help the three men already trying to separate Cody and Travis.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing, mate?’ Lev was yelling at Cody who was just smiling smugly as Travis tried to grab him like a rabid dog held back by a chain.

  ‘Wasn’t me. That fat fucker over there started it,’ Cody spat, pointing a skinny finger at Travis.

  Travis managed to get one arm free and attempted to lunge at Cody again but ended up swiping at nothing but empty air and fell forward, so the guys holding him had to quickly jerk him back to stop him toppling completely. Cody’s smutty smile, Travis’ feral anger and Lev yelling so hard that the veins on his neck popped out suddenly became all too much for me and I turned away, fighting my way through the throng of people that eagerly pushed against me, egging the fight on. Pushing myself between people’s torsos, I managed to break free and quickly walked down the hallway, through the front door and out into the cold night air that hit me like a slap in the face compared to the muggy heat inside. It had stopped raining though a fine drizzle was still noticeable under the sickly yellow glow of the streetlight and I gulped in a massive breath, trying to stop myself from shaking. The hiss of the fly-screen door, followed by a hand on my shoulder made me turn around and I found Doug’s worried face looking at me.

  ‘You all right?’ he asked and I nodded. I hadn’t even seen him in there.

  ‘Yes, I just needed to get away,’ my voice wobbled tremendously.

  ‘What happened?’ he asked.

  ‘Cody called Travis an arsehole and they just started fighting. They’re both really drunk,’ I replied, my voice still wobbling all over the place. Doug noticed the goose-bumps on my arms and he pulled off his hoodie.

  ‘Here.’ He handed me the jacket.

  ‘I have a jacket inside,’ I replied.

  ‘Take it; you’re not going back in there.’ The tone of Doug’s voice made me comply. I shrugged on his grey hoodie, which was too big and made me look like I was wearing nothing but it and my pair of tights.

  ‘Do you want to go home?’ he asked, though I felt it was more of a statement than a question. I nodded my head.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Are you okay if I drive you?’ Doug’s voice had grown quite small. I looked at him and found him staring back.

  ‘Why would I want someone else to take me? You’re my best friend,’ I said. Doug looked like Travis had when he’d realised Cody had just punched him: half shock and half disbelief.

  ‘Okay,’ he whispered.

  Doug shrugged and dipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans as we walked down the uneven concrete path to his car.

  ‘Are you cold?’ I asked, and Doug shook his head.

  ‘I’m okay,’ he replied though he added my name on at the end, it made his reply almost sound tender and I wrapped my arms around my chest. Doug had parked at the end of the street and we made it to the car just before the soft drizzle of rain morphed into a steadier shower. I sat slumped in the passenger side and watched the water droplets slide down the window, trying to guess which one would reach the bottom first. The drive home felt shorte
r than normal and pulling into my driveway, Doug killed the engine. We sat in silence. I was content in it but Doug had begun to fidget and I knew he wanted to say something so I began to silently beg that he just let me go. I couldn’t do this now. The sound of Doug saying my name shattered my perfect rain-sealed bubble though I didn’t turn my head in his direction. I pathetically hoped if I continued to stare straight ahead he would realise I couldn’t talk about this now and he’d stop, but he didn’t; notice or stop.

  ‘Are we going to talk about what happened?’ Doug asked. He spoke the words slowly, like he was trying to control each one as they drifted into the air between us. I stayed silent. Not because I didn’t want to say anything, but because I couldn’t. My drunken state meant that anything I said would be completely honest and I don’t think either of us was ready for that. Doug sighed and ran his hands around the steering wheel before he said my name again.

  ‘I really need to talk to you about this,’ he said. This time his voice broke at the end and I finally looked over at him, feeling my gaze he looked up at met my eyes. I noticed the tips of his hair looked silver from the drizzle we’d walked through to the car.

  ‘Doug,’ I didn’t have anything more to say and was honest about it. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ Doug said.

  ‘For what?’ I asked though I felt cruel in doing it; I was going to make him say it.

  ‘For sleeping with Kira.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Why are you sorry you slept with Kira?’ I asked again, and Doug brought his head up slightly, like I’d offended him by re-stating the fact.

  ‘Because I am,’ he replied.

  ‘That’s not an answer,’ I stated and Doug leaned back against his seat.

  ‘I know.’

  We sat for a few more moments before the tension between us became too much and I felt the urge to cry. I opened the door and quickly scooted my legs around to stand up before slamming the door shut behind me. I began walking down our driveway when I heard Doug’s car door open.

  ‘You know you’re not making this easy.’ Doug said over the roof of the car.

  ‘Am I supposed to?’ My curt reply appeared to have physically slapped Doug across the face.

  ‘I don’t know what you want me to say,’ he said and I shrugged my shoulders.

  ‘Doug, I don’t know what you expect from me. What do you want? Why are we talking about this?’ I asked.

  ‘You’re asking me that question? You’re the one who’s ignored me for the past three weeks and I’m trying to fix the problem.’ Doug raised his voice and my anger threatened to retaliate.

  ‘You’re saying sorry so I’ll talk to you again?’ I asked and I couldn’t help but ask it incredulously.

  ‘No.’ Doug looked up desperately. ‘I’m saying sorry because I feel bad.’

  ‘Well why do you feel bad?’ To be honest I asked this question tauntingly, my anger had surged and I found I actually wanted to fight. Doug looked at me.

  ‘Jesus.’ His expression was one of desperation and disbelief. ‘Did you really not know how…?’ he trailed off and I set him with an unwelcome gaze; this was not the time Doug.

  Doug grew frustrated and stood with his hands on his hips, appearing to wrestle with what he wanted to say but couldn’t before admitting defeat. He cast me with a sad look that quickly morphed into frustration.

  ‘I’m talking to you because you’re my best friend and I feel so fucking horrible it’s making me sick inside. I haven’t been able to concentrate or do anything because what I did is just killing me and you’re the only person I want to explain myself too. I know it’s shitty of me to ask you this but I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other. Out of everyone you’re the only one who could make me feel less shit about this but fine. Forget it.’ He loudly dismissed me and began to open his door. A hot flash of anger welled up inside me.

  ‘You’re the one who fucked up, Doug. Don’t make me the bad person,’ I said and Doug looked up. He stared at me for a moment and I noticed his face slowly crumple, he shut his door and he walked around his car to me.

  ‘I’m not trying to,’ he stated, his voice now quieter. Doug looked up at the sky and I realised he was trying not to cry. Within an instant, all my anger disappeared and I would do anything to stop whatever was hurting him, including me.

  ‘Doug, Doug… what do you want me to say?’ I almost pleaded.

  ‘I just need you to say that you forgive me, that you’re not angry with me, that you…’ He drifted off. Doug was almost begging me and with my anger no longer holding them back, tears began to fill my eyes.

  ‘Doug, I’m not angry with you,’ I stated.

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m not angry with you because I can’t be. I can’t forgive you because you’ve done nothing wrong.’ Doug was lost. ‘You’re not my boyfriend, Doug.’ I shrugged my shoulders at the fact and despite the tears smarting my eyes, tried to smile. ‘You slept with Kira. There was no one to say you couldn’t, least of all me.’ My voice wavered.

  ‘How can you say that?’ Doug asked after a pause.

  ‘Because it’s the truth, Doug.’

  ‘Then why aren’t you talking to me?’ he asked, and I suddenly found myself in the position I’d been scared of. Now I needed to be honest, not only with Doug but also with myself.

  ‘Because I can’t. Even though you did nothing wrong…’ I stopped because I wasn’t explaining myself correctly. Jesus why was it so fucking hard to explain how you felt? I took a shuddering breath and attempted to start again. ‘Doug, you’re my best friend. I thought I knew you inside and out. I thought that you were like me and what you did… I just never considered it because that’s not the person I thought you were. I know that doesn’t explain anything but Doug… it really hurt, and made me realise that I’d been lying to myself, and to you. That realisation, it’s the worst I’ve ever felt about anything and all I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I wasn’t fair to you and you deserve better.’ My nose had begun to run and I wiped it with the cuff of Doug’s hoodie. Doug looked at me. With that look everything came crashing down over me; all my love, hurt, anger and fear. I let out a sob and tried to steady my breathing while Doug just stared at me, terrified of what he knew I was about to say.

  ‘Doug, I’m going to need you to not see me for a while. I’m really sorry but what I’ve done to you, I just can’t forgive myself for it. As your friend I want you to be happy, I would give anything just to see you happy. To know that I’m the person who’s making you unhappy, Doug, it’s breaking my fucking heart. I can’t have you think of me like that because you’re the one person that matters…’ My voice came out in a thick garbled mess and I had to wipe my nose again.

  ‘But you do make me happy. When I’m with you I’m just happy, even when we’re just studying or doing nothing I’m just totally inexplicably happy… I’m so sorry; please I’ll do whatever to make it up to you. I’m so fucking sorry. Like, I can’t even tell you.’ Doug sucked in a gulp of air to stop himself from letting out a sob and I drew in another shuddering breath.

  ‘I can’t, Doug, as your friend I can’t. I love you far too much to let anything hurt you and right now that includes me. I’m not saying its forever but I don’t want you to hate me Doug, I can’t have you hate me.’

  ‘I could never hate you, why would I hate you?’ Doug’s voice cracked.

  ‘This isn’t about you, Doug. This is about so much more than just you and…’ I trailed off because Miranda had started screaming in my head as I almost revealed the Blackhole. I had nothing left to add. Doug and I stared at each other. It felt as though time had stopped; we both knew what was going to happen and what needed to happen, but for a few more moments we were allowed to remain as we were. Those moments meant eve
rything to me. I let out a deep sigh and tried to steady my thumping heartbeat by placing my hand across my chest as I drew in a deep shuddering breath.

  ‘I need to be selfish, Doug… I just need too.’ I was choked by the Blackhole as I attempted to explain it while Doug looked at me in desolate acceptance.

  ‘So what happens now?’ he asked.

  ‘We give each other space. I won’t see you, and you won’t see me. Everything will be the same except we will just be apart.’ I explained and Doug looked down at his feet.

  ‘And when you’re ready to start seeing me again, what then? Will we go back to how we were or will it be different?’ Doug asked.

  ‘I can’t tell you that, Doug. I don’t know,’ I replied. Doug looked at me hopelessly.

  ‘You’ve got to give me something,’ he asked and I sighed.

  ‘I suppose we’ll tell each other what we want. If we both want the same thing then we’ll be exactly that, but if the things that we want are different… well, we can deal with that when we come to it.’

  ‘Okay.’ Doug nodded his head; he accepted that answer. I felt the overwhelming urge to hug him but all I could offer was:

  ‘I promise it won’t be for long.’

  ‘It better not be.’

  I looked at Doug, his mouth had cracked into a shadow of that smile and I realised in that moment how much this was hurting.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I cried, and Doug’s smile crumpled before he quickly pulled me into a hug which crushed me against his chest. We stayed in that embrace for a long time, time enough for my breathing to slow completely and my tears to dry in sticky streaks down my face. I could hear Doug’s heartbeat through his shirt and felt his cheek resting against my head; his arms were wrapped around my body while my hands were intertwined and resting against the middle of his back. I felt a shiver run up his body and slowly pulled my head back.

  ‘You’re going to catch a cold,’ I said and he nodded.