My Bed is a Blackhole

by Hadley Wickham

  ‘… I have to start specialising soon and decide what minor I want to do,’ I stated. We were talking about uni, it was always a safe topic.

  ‘What can you specialise in?’ Mel asked.

  ‘You can choose between either health, social, developmental and… I forget the fourth. I’m split between social and developmental,’ I explained.

  ‘Are you limited depending on your GPA?’ Mel asked and I shook my head.

  ‘No, you can do what you want.’

  ‘I suppose that’s good in one way.’

  ‘Well it’s good for me,’ I said and Mel rolled her eyes.

  ‘Will you stop, please? You’re the one who got the high ATAR, honestly I don’t know why you decided to study psych at all. Not to crap on your course but you are better than this.’ I looked sideways at her. Mel was walking with her head bent down, she wasn’t a particularly fit person and I could tell she was struggling in the humidity.

  ‘Mel, I’m not sure I’m going to pass these last exams.’

  ‘You always say that.’

  ‘No, Mel, I’m being serious.’ She looked up at me and I felt a surge of anxiety, I hadn’t been this honest with anyone in a long time. ‘I barely passed my abnormal psychology assignment – I got 51%. If I don’t pass the exam I’ll have to repeat the unit.’ Mel didn’t look shocked, she just bent her head back down and we walked a few more steps.

  ‘I want to tell you that it’ll all be okay but you’re too rational to believe me,’ Mel began and I smiled a tiny smile. ‘Okay, if you fail, you fail. No other way to look at it and there’s nothing you can do about it except take the unit again. I know it will suck but nobody died, you’re all right.’ I wasn’t comforted by her pragmatism.

  ‘I know you’re right, but I’m just terrified of failing,’ I confessed. In truth it wasn’t failure that scared me; it was because I hadn’t tried which made me feel frustrated and guilty. My silence prompted a more empathetic tone from Mel.

  ‘You’re worrying about nothing though. You don’t know if you’ve failed so right now just be ignorant and happy, if not for your sake then for mine.’ She cracked me a smile and I grinned back.

  ‘Yeah, I can do that.’

  Mel’s smile had made me brave.

  ‘Mel,’ I began. We’d stopped to wait for the pedestrian lights to cross an intersection so Mel gave me her undivided attention as she tried to discretely catch her breath. ‘I’m really sorry about what I said to you about Rhys. I didn’t mean it, I was just being honest and completely disregarded any affect that would have on you.’ It felt good to apologise. The ringing bell signalled it was safe to cross and I was grateful for the interruption. We’d reached the other side before Mel began to talk.

  ‘I know you didn’t mean it and I know you’re sorry. I knew that from the moment the words left your mouth. Give me the credit of knowing you as one of your best friends, all right? I know you don’t mean to hurt anyone,’ Mel said and I was confused.

  ‘Then why did you leave?’ I asked.

  ‘Just because I knew those things didn’t mean I wasn’t really pissed off. I just couldn’t believe you said it. It hurt; not just because it was the truth, but because you were the first person I’d told about how I felt and you called me out on it. You made me look at the situation objectively and realise the shit person I was being.’

  ‘You’re not a shit person, Mel; I didn’t mean that at all. What I said, I suppose half of it was my own frustration and the other half was well, anger at you. I was angry because you weren’t being the person that I thought… I mean, I know you to be. You’re not the type of person to use people, Mel, especially those you care about.’ I could feel Mel looking at me as we tip-toed our way past the puddles on the foot-path. ‘I can deal with you being angry at me if it reminds you of the right thing to do, and the person you are.’ I continued, casting a sideways glance at her and Mel lowered her eyes.

  ‘Why were you frustrated at yourself?’ Mel’s comment caught me off-guard and I shrugged my shoulders.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I lied.

  ‘For the sake of this conversation can you do me a favour and tell me how you’re really feeling.’ Mel’s tone was soft though direct; she wasn’t as easy to fool as the Blackhole had led me to believe. I continued to stare down at the pavement, counting the steps between each crack as we walked. I really wanted to tell Mel about why I was frustrated, about the Blackhole and about everything. If I couldn’t tell her then who else was there? Doug was the only person who came to mind, though he was quickly pushed aside. Suddenly Miranda had started screaming in my head: “Don’t tell her, you can’t tell her, she won’t understand.”

  Oh shut the fuck up Miranda.

  ‘I was frustrated because your flaws made me painfully aware of mine,’ I said, quietening Miranda’s internal screaming; I’d ignored her and with that there was silence.

  Miranda was gone.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Mel asked simply, but it suddenly all became too much. Miranda’s disappearance and the looming threat of my total transparency made my eyes begin to prick uncomfortably and I pinched my face to try and stave off the inevitable emotional breakdown.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Mel,’ I began.

  ‘You’ve already said that.’

  I shook my head, feeling my eyes sting. ‘Not for that.’ My lips wobbled and my voice caught. ‘I’m sorry for what a shit friend I’ve been.’

  ‘What?’ Mel put out her hand to catch my arm and we stopped on the path, facing each other. A sheer limestone wall rose up on our left; a retaining wall for the gardens of the war memorial. Mel forced my eyes to meet hers and I found they’d hardened somewhat in her confusion.

  ‘You haven’t been a shit friend. What the fuck are you talking about?’ Mel asked. My little wave of disbelief and anger subsided at a thought; did she really not know? Looking away and back down the path we had just come I felt Mel’s grip tighten, encouraging me to continue.

  ‘I really don’t know.’ That was the truth. How do you describe a Blackhole to someone? It’s an impossible feeling, one even you don’t understand which is why you think no one else will. Try to comprehend the feeling of crushing emptiness which swallows every little piece of you from the inside until all that is left is an empty shell and vacant eyes that exist in a world made of glass. I felt Mel’s arms wrap around my shoulders and she pulled me tight against her in a hug. I stood there in her embrace with my arms hanging by my sides, trying to stop the torrent of tears that had started to flow from my eyes, soaking into the shoulder of Mel’s sweater. We stood there on the side of the road for what felt like hours, long after I’d stopped crying but Mel held tight onto me and for the first time in a very long time I didn’t want to pull away. It was the rain that broke us apart.

  ‘Fuck, come on.’ Mel grabbed my wrist and we ran the rest of the way into town. It didn’t make much difference; we were both sopping wet by the time we made it to a suitable cafe. The rain had managed to soak right through to my bra and I tried to ignore the unpleasant feeling as my body heat caused the wet padding to stick to my skin. Mel’s sweater literally dripped water as we waited in line for coffee and taking it off, she revealed her equally drenched shirt.

  ‘The one fucking day I don’t wear a proper bra,’ Mel cursed under her breath and I grinned as she tightly crossed her arms over her chest.

  ‘Do you want mine?’ I asked and she gave me an incredulous look.

  ‘What, because these are going to fit into what you refer to as a “bra”? What you have is a glorified crop top.’ She motioned down at her chest and I laughed. Mel grinned. ‘I’ll be fine.’

  We ordered our coffee from an overly enthusiastic waitress with glasses and chose to sit at the table closest to the heater so Mel could attempt to dry her sweater. The excitement of the rain had made resuming our conversation awkward; I did
n’t know where to pick up again.

  ‘So…’ Mel cast me a teasing look and I smiled.

  ‘Awkward silence.’ I laughed and Mel joined in, looking down at her lap before back up at me.

  ‘You do know that I care about you right? Like all I want is for you to be happy. I know that you may not believe it but you’re my best friend. I’m not sure what I’ll do if I lose you, Laura was bad enough and we were nowhere near as close.’ Mel said and my mouth hardened at the mention of Laura’s name.

  ‘I know you care, Mel—’ I started before Mel cut me off.

  ‘Because I’m not sure you do. If you did you’d have talked to me.’ The hurt that resonated through Mel’s voice broke a small piece of my heart; I’d thought pushing my friends away would spare them any pain, but it had done the exact opposite. I’d failed, again.

  ‘Mel, I couldn’t. It’s not that I didn’t want to… I just couldn’t.’ Suddenly what I needed to say didn’t seem so hard. ‘I thought that if I was honest with you, and told you what I was feeling you’d hate me. You’d hate the person I’d become. I can deal with a lot of things but having my friend… having you, hate me, that was something I couldn’t bear the thought of.’

  ‘I could never hate you,’ Mel said softly and I gave a tight smile. Mel sighed loudly and looked up at the ceiling. ‘I was angry at you, for a really long time,’ she confessed. It hurt to hear her say that but she was just being honest. ‘I was pissed that you’d just cut me out of your life. I mean, that really fucking hurt. I thought that I didn’t mean anything to you, that our friendship was dispensable and after everything we’d been through. Quite frankly you’re lucky I was only angry. When you’d talk about your friends at uni, especially Doug, I thought I’d been replaced… I was too selfish to think about you in all this. I didn’t realise and I’m sorry.’ Mel finished talking and her voice wavered, her eyes were swimming.

  ‘You were perfectly allowed to feel that way, Mel. I didn’t talk to you.’ My voice was so soft it was almost a whisper.

  ‘Yeah but sometimes saying nothing is louder than saying anything at all,’ Mel replied.

  I said nothing now. I hoped that Mel would understand why; I didn’t know how to put into words how sorry I was, or how much I’d missed her.

  ‘You’re not allowed to be sorry.’ Mel’s words brought my eyes to hers and she fixed me with her gaze as she spoke. ‘You have nothing to be sorry for, understand that now. What you were going through– what you are going through,’ Mel corrected herself, ‘it’s something that you can’t control but more importantly it isn’t your fault. I’m sorry that I was too selfish to see the pain you were in, and I’m sorry I failed as your friend to help. I know that apologising is nothing; it doesn’t make what you went through any easier. All I can do is promise that I’m going to be there for you, from this second on. I want you to call me, to tell me when you’re feeling whatever you’re feeling. I may not be able to understand but maybe you don’t need someone to understand. Maybe all you need is someone to listen and someone to remind you that you are loved and worth something… I can do that.’

  I stupidly found myself crying again and Mel stretched out her hand to squeeze mine. She held it until the waitress arrived with our coffee and a muffin for Mel. I hastily brushed my cheeks and managed to give the waitress a tear-soaked “thank you” as she placed my flat white in front of me.

  ‘Are you going to help me eat this?’ Mel asked, pointing her knife at the muffin and I shook my head.

  ‘Well too bad because I only ordered it for you to share with me, you’re getting fucking skinny again. Let’s not add an eating disorder to everything else.’ I loved her frankness.

  ‘I’ve really missed you, Mel,’ I said with small smile, which she returned.

  ‘I’ve missed you a whole fucking lot too.’

  I knew that my relationship with Mel wasn’t fixed like that. It was going to take time, but at least it was better and I was better too; it would be impossible to deny that Mel wasn’t at least partly responsible for that fact. I was still uncomfortable though; I hadn’t told Mel about the Blackhole, at least not outright, and while I knew she was aware that there was something like it in me, I felt she deserved to know.

  ‘Mel,’ I spoke her name and she looked up at me with crumbs of dough spilling from her mouth. ‘Did you want to know anything? I mean, you can ask me about it.’ I wasn’t brave enough to give the Blackhole its name.

  Mel shook her head. ‘No. I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you; that seems counter-productive to honesty.’ I gave Mel a smile in thanks and she grinned back.

  ‘So, what do you want to talk about?’ Mel’s words were choked around another piece of chewed-up muffin.

  ‘Um, well honestly I need to talk to someone about Doug.’ Mel’s interest was triggered.

  ‘Good, I’d hoped you’d say that. What’s the situation with the cunt?’

  ‘Please don’t call him that.’ Mel looked up from her half-eaten muffin.

  ‘Shit, sorry.’

  I shrugged my shoulders. ‘It’s okay, it’s just hard. I don’t hate him, the opposite really but I wish I could hate him; I wish I could just not care. It wouldn’t hurt nearly as much.’ Mel accidently dropped her knife and the loud clink it made against her plate made me jump.

  I sighed. ‘The thing is; it is my fault, at least partly. If I’d been more honest with myself and with him then I wouldn’t be in this position. Or if I was, it wouldn’t be like this; I wouldn’t be conflicted and it would be much easier to hate him.’

  ‘You’re allowed to be angry with him,’ Mel advised and I shook my head.

  ‘I’m not, Mel. I have absolutely no reason to be, any hurt that I’m feeling is because I didn’t tell him what he meant to me, at least in a romantic way.’

  ‘Do you love him?’ she asked and I gave a hopeless laugh.

  ‘I don’t know. I mean I don’t know what love feels like. I thought I did. I thought I loved Ben but my feelings for him, even at their most intense, were nothing when I compare them to Doug.’

  ‘Oh sweetie,’ Mel’s voice dripped with empathy and I found it comforting.

  ‘The thing is I still feel exactly the same way about him and not seeing him… it’s really hard, Mel. Like I’ll get these moments where I just need to talk to him and that’s all I can think about. It actually hurts and the only thing I can think of to stop it hurting is to talk to him, but I can’t. I mean it’s getting easier the longer I don’t see him but my feelings aren’t changing and that’s terrifying me.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because that means they’re real and I don’t know what to do. I can’t be honest with him and right now I can’t imagine being with him, so why do I feel like this? I really need someone to tell me Mel because I don’t understand.’ Mel sat back against her chair and studied me for a moment.

  ‘It’s not that you don’t understand; it’s that you don’t want too. If you can’t be honest with him then at least be honest with yourself. Just acknowledge how you really feel about Doug, I think it would make you feel better.’ I had a feeling Mel was right.

  ‘Am I allowed to add something though?’ Mel asked.

  ‘Yeah, course,’ I replied.

  ‘I’m not saying this to encourage any hope in you, but I feel like you should hear this from someone. I honestly think Doug cares about you as much as you do him. Yes, what he did was awful and although you’ve forgiven him, I haven’t; I’m still angry as fuck because he hurt you. You’re allowed to feel hurt, regardless of if you told him your feelings or not; his knowledge doesn’t legitimise your feelings, they’re real on their own. Anyway, despite all that I can’t help but feel that it was a mistake and Doug’s not only regretting his actions, but he’s also worried that they may have caused him to lose you. You mean a lot to Doug, even I know that and I haven’t even
met him. What I’m trying to say is, you are allowed to love him. What you’re not allowed to do is let the stupid drunken actions of one night ruin perhaps one of the best and most special things in your life.’

  I was silent and placed my cup gently back against its saucer with a faint clink. What Mel said ignited a small little pilot light in my heart and I really tried to ignore how it made me feel. Regardless of my feelings, what I found most strange about the situation between Doug and I was that I sincerely did not understand why he would like me. I really couldn’t picture anyone liking me in that way. I couldn’t imagine someone thinking about me before they fell asleep, telling their friends about me, or getting that tight nervous ball in their stomach whenever I was near. Why would anyone feel like that? I’m just me: nothing extraordinary and certainly nothing special.

  ‘I think that if you really need to know how Doug feels you should look no further than the fact he’s giving you space. I mean that must be killing him and yet he’s doing it for you; because it’s what you want and he wants you to be happy, even if it makes him miserable.’ I couldn’t help but see her point. I tried to think about Doug as little as possible so I’d never really thought about our situation completely; I’d never considered Doug’s side of it. While I knew what Mel had said was only one, of a possible thousand ways Doug could be feeling, I couldn’t help but hope she was right.

  ‘And if it makes any difference, you’re way prettier than Kira.’ Mel’s face lit up wickedly and it was amazing how much comfort I took from that vapid comment.

  ‘How do you know? You’ve never met her,’ I said.

  ‘Facebook stalked her after you told me. She looks like a frog.’ I snorted out a laugh and Mel grinned. In that moment I realised that despite the Blackhole, Mel had never given up on me; she’d been the one messaging every couple of months to catch up no matter how many excuses I gave. The perseverance that I had formerly loathed now became the best proof I had that Mel cared and always had.

  ‘So, what do you want to talk about?’ Mel began.