Texas Rebels: Egan

by Linda Warren

  Her father sat in his chair with a glass of Scotch in his hand. “Why don’t you think about coming home for good?”

  “I have commitments, Dad.”

  He waved a hand toward Erin. “Look what you’re missing. We all miss you.”

  Rachel curled up on the end of the sofa, suddenly feeling tired. Tired of always arguing with her father. Tired of keeping a secret so deep that it continued to eat away at her. And tired of feeling guilty. She suddenly had a need to talk to Egan. It was the weirdest feeling in the world. How could that be? She barely knew him.

  The ringing of the doorbell startled them. Hardy went to answer it, and Wyatt followed him back into the room. She sat up straight when she noticed her purse.

  Placing it beside her, the sheriff said, “Egan dropped this by my office. He thought you might need it, with your ID and all.”

  She swallowed. “Why didn’t he bring it himself?”

  Wyatt twirled his hat in his hand. “You’ll have to ask him that.”

  “He doesn’t want to see me because of what my father has done to him.” Rachel got to her feet and walked toward the stairs. “I’m going up. I’m feeling tired.”

  No one said anything and she was glad. She wasn’t in the mood to talk. She wanted to be alone, to think about Egan. But she was unprepared for the sight of her room. Nothing had been changed in twelve years. It was still lavender and white—the room she and her mother had decorated. For a moment the sight stole her breath and that suffocating feeling came over her. She gulped in air and sat on the bed.

  After a second, she opened her purse and pulled out the sketch pad. The picture was just as she had drawn it—Egan with his bold strong features. She touched it gently and held it against her chest. She had to get over him. It was just a crush—like a teenage crush. The pain went deep and she tried to control her emotions, but she had a feeling where Egan was concerned, her emotions were real and vulnerable.

  How did she accept this final snub?

  Chapter Nine

  Rachel settled easily into living at home. Mostly because of the kids. She and Erin drew or painted almost every day. They laughed. They giggled. And acted crazy. Rachel enjoyed every second of getting to know her niece.

  And then there was the baby. She could hold him forever and watch the expressions change on his face. At five weeks, he was very alert and active with his hands and his feet. Kissing his fat cheeks was her favorite pastime.

  Everyone was giving her space and she appreciated that, but soon she’d have to talk to her family. It was the reason she’d come home. Every day, though, she put it off. She hated that she couldn’t take that step and face all her feelings from the past.

  One morning she got up early, intending to catch Hardy before he left for work. In the kitchen, she stopped short in the doorway. Her brother had Angie backed up against the refrigerator, kissing her neck.

  Rachel cleared her throat. “You do have a bedroom,” she quipped, heading for the Keurig.

  Hardy straightened. “Just kissing my wife goodbye.”

  Angie tightened the belt on her robe and looked guilty. Rachel laughed. “Why couldn’t you two see you were made for each other years ago?”

  “I guess we weren’t ready.” Hardy reached for his briefcase on the granite countertop. “Now we know what we have is real, and we both value it more than anything.” He gave Angie a quick kiss and headed for the garage. “See you tonight.”

  “Hardy,” Rachel called.

  He looked back at her.

  “Could we talk tonight? I mean with Dad. I have some things I need to say.”

  Her brother’s forehead creased like a furrowed field. “Something wrong? You feeling okay? Are you upset that Isadore McCray is out on bail?”

  She took a sip of her coffee to steady herself. “No.” Hardy had told her earlier that a lawyer from Temple had gotten him out. That didn’t bother her. The man still had to stand trial. “I’d just like to explain...how I got lost and other things. Everyone’s been tiptoeing around my feelings and I would just like to air things out.”

  “Sure. Dad’s in Austin, but he’ll be back by tonight.”

  Rachel sat at the table and Angie joined her. Hardy stood at the door an extra second and then left.

  “Do you want to talk?” Angie asked.

  Rachel just wasn’t ready to open up her heart, not even to Angie. She’d save all that for tonight.

  Angie jumped up. “Oh, my, look at the time. I have to get Erin to school.”

  “What about the baby?”

  “Mavis is coming over.”

  “I’ll help,” Rachel offered.

  “You’re very good with him.”

  Rachel lifted an eyebrow. “And that surprises you?”

  “Yes, a little.”

  “I’ve grown up, Angie. I mean, really grown up.”

  “I can see that.” Her friend grabbed a cup of decaf and hurried toward the door. “I’m having lunch with Peyton today. Why don’t you come in to Horseshoe and join us? You’ll love Peyton.”

  Peyton was Wyatt’s wife, and she and Angie were very good friends. “Thanks, but I think I’ll stay with the baby and spoil him.”

  “There’s a lot of people in town who would like to see you.”

  “Not today, Ang. I have to go on Skype with my students and touch base with the school principal. Maybe another time.”

  “If you change your mind, the keys to your Mustang are right there. My brother, Bubba, gave it the once-over, so it’s ready to go.” Angie pointed to the key rack on the wall.

  “Dad kept my Mustang?” She thought he would have sold it by now. A lot of good memories about the car shifted through her mind. She and her mother had found it in Austin a week before her sixteenth birthday. A white convertible Mustang with red leather inside. Rachel had loved it on sight and it wasn’t long before she was driving it around town. Another memory of how her every wish was granted. She never wanted for anything, except for her mother to still be alive.

  “Yes. Please think about joining us.”

  “You’re going to be late.” Rachel pointed to the clock and Angie dashed from the room. Rachel was glad for the reprieve, but tonight was the night. She was going to spill her guts, so to speak. The weight of the past and her guilt had finally gotten too heavy.

  The day went well and Rachel enjoyed her nephew. Angie came home twice to nurse him. Other than that it was a quiet day, except for Trey’s fussy cries. As she held the baby, Rachel rehearsed in her head what she was going to say tonight. Every time it was different and she was almost to the point of chickening out. Trey cooed at her and she knew if she wanted any type of future, she had to be honest about her feelings and be prepared to accept her family’s reaction.

  Erin had something at school, so Angie and Hardy were late getting home. Her father was already in his study smoking a cigar. It was almost eight o’clock when they finished dinner. Trey was asleep and Erin went to her room to do homework.

  The rest of them made their way into the den. Everyone was tired and Rachel thought it would be best to wait another day. But then it would be another. And another. And she would be stuck even longer avoiding what she dreaded the most. Egan had said to just do it—and so she would.

  Her father sat in his chair with a glass of Scotch. “Hardy said you wanted to talk.” He started the conversation without warning and her stomach cramped.

  Hardy handed Rachel a glass of wine and she gratefully accepted it. She needed something in her hands. Hardy and Angie had ice water. Angie couldn’t drink because she was nursing, and Hardy did the same just to support her, which Rachel thought was lovely.

  She swirled the red wine in the glass. “I know you’ve wondered what I was doing on Rebel Ranch.”

  “It has crossed my mind a time or two.” Her father looked at her over the rim of his own glass.

  “I don’t know how to say this except just to say the words.” She took a deep breath. Sensing her nervousness
, Angie sat beside her for support. Rachel was grateful for that small kindness, but then that was Angie.

  All she had to do was force the words from her throat, and she’d never dreamed it would be this hard. She took another deep breath.

  “There’s a reason I haven’t been home in twelve years. I wanted to come. I missed everyone, but I couldn’t handle the memories...of Mom.”

  “We understood that,” Hardy said. “Twelve years is a long time. It’s time to move on, Rachel. Mom wouldn’t want you to continue to grieve like this.”

  Rachel gripped her hands in her lap. “It’s more than that. It’s...” She sucked air into her tight lungs. “I’m the reason Mom died.”

  A stunned silence followed her confession. The old grandfather clock chimed the half hour, blaring through the silence like a foghorn.

  “What are you talking about?” her father finally asked.

  “I’m the reason Mom was in the mall that day. I begged and pleaded the whole week for her to buy me a dress I’d seen for a party at school. She kept saying no and then at the last minute she must’ve changed her mind. She wouldn’t have been there if it hadn’t been for me.”

  The judge frowned. “Where did you get such a ridiculous idea? Your mother wasn’t there just to buy your dress. We had a last-minute dinner date with the Jansons, and you know how your mom and Liz competed to see who could dress the best. She couldn’t wear anything that Liz had seen, so she hurried to Austin to find something. There was nothing in the dress stores that she liked. She went to the mall as a last resort. And while she was there she picked up your dress. You’re not the reason your mother died.”

  “What?” Rachel tried to wrap her mind around what her father was saying. “She was there to buy a dress for herself?”

  “Yes, sweetheart.”

  Fury shot through her veins and she jumped to her feet. “Why did you never tell me this?”

  “How was I to know you were thinking such thoughts?”

  “By talking to me. By caring about how I felt.” She ran both hands through her hair. “I can’t believe this. All these years I blamed myself. I carried a load of guilt for so long that it’s a part of me now, and you never took the time to tell me what Mom was doing at the mall or what she was doing in Austin. You never talked about that. Why?”

  Hardy put his arm around her. “Calm down, sis.”

  She pushed away from him. “Calm down? Do you know what it’s been like living with this?”

  “No. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re getting upset about nothing.” The judge set his drink on a side table.

  “Nothing?” she shouted. “It took me twelve years to get the courage to come home, and when I did, I got about five miles from Horseshoe and balked. I took the long way around and I had no idea they’d changed the county roads. I got lost. I drove and drove and felt like I was in a maze. I tried to find a house or something, but there was nothing but thick woods and more woods. I don’t know what I would have done if Egan...”

  “Oh, please.” The judge shook his head. “I don’t want to hear about Egan Rebel.”

  Rachel’s hands curled into fists at her sides. “He deserves an apology from you.” She pointed to her father. “And I deserve one, too.”

  The judge got to his feet, his steely blue eyes cold and unyielding. But Rachel didn’t back down. “I will never apologize to Egan Rebel. He’s as bad as all the outlaws out there on Rebel Ranch. He created his own reputation. I didn’t.”

  “It means nothing to you that he helped your daughter, even when he knew I was your daughter?”

  The judge waved a hand at Hardy. “Talk to her. She’s not making any sense.”

  “She makes perfect sense to me,” Hardy replied. “And for the record, I already apologized to Egan and he ignored me. I understood that. We jumped to conclusions and put an innocent man in jail. I don’t feel good about that, and when I see him again I will continue to try and apologize to him until he accepts it.”

  Angie moved to put her arm around Hardy’s waist.

  “I wish you would’ve talk to me, Rachel,” he said regretfully. “She was my mother, too. We could’ve eased each other’s pain.”

  Some of the anger left Rachel. “I couldn’t talk about it, not even to Angie. When you’re seventeen and think you’ve killed your mother, it’s a pain that goes deep. I couldn’t share that horrible feeling with anyone.”

  “Your mother loved you,” her father stated. “You were the light in her eyes and I don’t understand how you got this silly notion in your head.”

  “Well, Dad, you and I have nothing to talk about then. Obviously, we don’t understand each other.”

  “Now don’t get your dander up. You’re my daughter and I stand by you no matter what.”

  Rachel shook her head, wondering if she’d ever understood him. “I don’t need you to stand by me. I need you to accept the feelings of a seventeen-year-old girl. And realize that you failed her.”

  “Now it’s all my fault.”

  “If the boot fits, wear it.” She tore out of the room and ran for the stairs.

  “Rachel...”

  She’d had enough for one night and she wasn’t listening to anything Hardy or her father or Angie had to say. The urge to fall down on her bed and cry her eyes out was strong. But she’d outgrown that. Instead, she walked over to the window seat and curled up in the corner. That was where she’d gone when she was upset as a teenager. She could look out the window to the pool and the ranch beyond. It was always calming.

  Tonight inky darkness was all she saw. Lights from the pool poked through, but she was just fine with the dark. So many times she’d sat on the seat and tried to understand why her mother had been taken so suddenly. It had always come back to Rachel’s selfishness and how she was being punished for it.

  Now she could see how foolish that was. It had nothing to do with her. But somehow she’d needed to feel the guilt to deal with the pain. Looking back, she realized it was the one thing that had pushed her into going to Paris to study art. She and her mother had planned the trip and Rachel had thought she couldn’t go without her. Her father and Hardy had accompanied her instead, but even so she’d had to force herself every step of the way to keep going, to never look back. But the guilt was always there. She had to do it for her mother. It was what her mom had wanted for her. And now the guilt didn’t even matter. It wasn’t real. It was all in her head. How laughable was that?

  Drawing up her knees, she found she’d never felt more lonely and couldn’t wait to go back to New York. That’s where she belonged. She’d carved out a life for herself with people who respected her and liked her. She was treated like an adult there, not a child.

  A knock sounded at the door. “Rachel, can I come in?”

  She didn’t want to see anybody, but knew Hardy wasn’t going to give up. “Yes.”

  He came inside and sat on the window seat beside her. So big and male and out of place. She wanted to laugh, but she was far from a laughing mood.

  He rubbed his hands together. “I’m sorry you’ve been suffering all these years. I wish we could have talked, shared more, but I don’t think that’s in the Hollister genes.”

  “It’s my fault,” she murmured, and realized it was. “You’re right about that sharing. I didn’t want anyone to know what a selfish person I was. If I kept my secret, well, then I guessed I could live with myself.”

  “I think we both have a lot of confused feelings about Mom’s death. It was just so sudden and we didn’t know how to deal with it. Our big mistake was not confiding and sharing with each other.”

  She rested her head against the wall. “I do believe Angie is changing you. Is she getting you to share more?”

  “Yeah, with Angie it’s natural. We want our kids to grow up to be well-rounded individuals who can handle anything life throws at them.”

  Rachel leaned over and hugged her brother. “I’m happy for you and Angie. I really am.”

>   “I’d say I’ll talk to Dad, but that would be a waste of my breath and I learned a long time ago to just let it go, for it would just wreck any kind of sanity I manage to salvage when dealing with him.”

  “Our father is one of a kind.”

  “Mmm. I’m sorry about what happened to Egan. It has put a strain on my relationship with Wyatt and I’m struggling with how to make all this right. I should’ve stopped it from the start and it’s my fault that I didn’t. I was so worried about you I made a bad decision. As the DA, I can’t afford many of those.”

  “Egan really is a nice person, Hardy.”

  “You’re quite taken with him.”

  “Yes, and I’m not afraid to admit that.”

  He kissed her cheek. “Get some rest. Tomorrow things will look different. Maybe you and Dad can talk again.”

  She gave a fake laugh. “Keep dreaming, big brother. I’m thinking about going back to New York soon. I have a job I need to return to.”

  “Erin will be disappointed, not to mention Angie and me. But, please, give us a few more days before you make that decision.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Hardy left and she stared into the darkness, raising her eyes to the sky and seeing all the beautiful, twinkling stars. It reminded her of the night she and Egan had slept on the duster. She wrapped her arms around her waist, wishing he was here now. He had a straightforward way of looking at things and would understand how she was feeling. Vulnerable. Betrayed. Naive.

  She uncurled from the window seat and walked around the room, trying to get rid of that feeling of despair. She’d had nothing to do with her mother’s death. It was just a horrible tragedy. Her father thought she was being silly. Maybe she was. But how did she justify twelve years of her life spent in guilt and misery? By going forward.