Lesbian: A Lesbian Life Worth Repairing

by Astrid Seguin

  "Kama?" Louella gave her a blank look, and Lorrine's heart sank. "Oh, wait, you mean that blonde that used to rent from me. She's been gone a long time. Fell on hard times, as I remember, but I haven't seen her since she quit paying her board."

  "Thank you," Lorrine said, even though she felt more like cursing instead.

  She tried the Kitten next. Kama had worked at the Knittin' Kitten for so long, it seemed inconceivable that she wouldn't be there.

  Mistress Banchek spotted her immediately. The woman had always watched her shop with an eagle eye. That part hadn't changed.

  But a new girl sat in what should have been Kama's place, the spot right by the big front window with the best light available. Lorrine felt a very uncomfortable tightness in her throat as she looked at the wrong person sitting where Kama belonged, as Mistress Banchek bore down on her, scowling.

  "You! What are you doing here? The nerve you have, coming back here after what you've done!"

  "Mistress Banchek, where's Kama?"

  "What do you care, you thoughtless little trollop? I wouldn't tell you even if I knew!"

  "Please," Lorrine choked out around sudden panic. "Please. . . "

  Mistress Banchek narrowed her eyes. "And what would you want with Kama, then? Looking to see if she's made something of her life so you can wreck it again?"

  Lorrine noticed all the seamstresses and needlewomen nearby listening to the altercation avidly, although they kept working.

  "No, Mistress. I need to find her. To. . . to apologize."

  "Humph." Mistress Banchek looked as stubborn and immobile as a brick wall. "An apology doesn't begin to repair the damage you did, girl. You ruined the life of my best needlewoman ever. She went straight into the gutter after you left. Last I saw her, she was all but dead, because of you. And you think I'm going to tell you where she went?"

  "Almost dead? Please, Mistress, tell me—"

  "No. I'll tell you nothing. Maybe you should check with the charities, see if anyone matching her description got buried. Gods know she was in poor enough condition, she might have died moments after the last time I saw her. Now get out of here, before you cause any further harm to my business and my girls."

  Lorrine tried to protest again, but Mistress Banchek advanced like an unstoppable wave of anger and pushed Lorrine back out into the street with the sheer force of her glare.

  Damn.

  Now what?

  She wondered what had happened to Kama to leave her in a state where she was almost dead. Was she still alive? Had she truly died of a broken heart? Such things only happened in tragic romantic ballads. . . Didn't they?

  Feeling rather numb inside, Lorrine started walking. She wasn't at all sure where to go, where to look, what to do. She could really use the help of those damned shadows right about now.

  Wait a minute. Lorrine reached for the necklace she wore now, a beautiful clear quartz crystal on a bit of leather thong. She'd never tried anything of the sort before, but maybe if she asked nicely enough, Biao Tanu would help her, give her some kind of guidance.

  Because Kama wasn't dead.

  Lorrine paused under a tree. The Kitten faced a good-sized city park, a nice oval expanse of green grass and stately old trees. People liked to walk here, or lay in the shade and nap, or snuggle on the benches. Or even step off the busy main road for a moment of prayer, just as Lorrine did now.

  Crystal in hand, Lorrine bowed her head and tried to force her mind into forming a coherent prayer. But really all that came out was a wordless cry for help, laced through with her fear and desperation. Maybe she didn't deserve any better. Maybe, after what she'd done, she didn't deserve to know if Kama lived or not. Maybe it was her fate to wonder forever what had happened after she'd left the woman she loved.

  The crystal didn't give her any immediate answers, but Lorrine felt a faint hint of something, tugging at her from the central city. It felt similar to the need to help she felt these days, so she shrugged and started walking again, tucking the crystal back under her tunic. Maybe the goddess was providing her guidance. Anyway, it wasn't as if she had any better ideas, so she'd follow the nebulous feeling.

  It led her to a place she'd never thought to find herself, the Library District. Eirian hosted one of the biggest and best stocked libraries in the entire known world, and the building containing all that knowledge had sprouted an attendant cluster of school buildings, scribes' halls, and bookbinders. What under the sun would Kama be doing here? She was a craftswoman, not an academic.

  But that hint of direction sent her to stand in front of the steps of one of the schools. A rather plain, off-white colored building, it had a few of the ever-popular decorative columns gracing its front, but seemed otherwise unremarkable. She stared at it, chewing her lip. Why was she here? Why would Kama be in such a place?

  Well, why in hell wouldn't she? Lorrine shrugged, and went up the stairs. She opened the door and stuck her head in.

  She spotted the type of watchdog she expected immediately, a woman with a desk overlooking the front entrance.

  "Hello?"

  "Can I help you?" the woman said, with a less than welcoming look. Perhaps she simply wasn't expecting a random Dargasi to pop out of nowhere.

  "Possibly. In fact, I really hope so." Lorrine slipped the rest of the way into the building, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. "Um. I'm not crazy, really I'm not, but I'm looking for a friend of mine, and I heard she might be here."

  "And what is your friend's name?"

  "Kama. She's a needlewoman, one of the best, and—you know her!"

  The woman had smiled at the sound of Kama's name. Wonderful!

  "Yes, I know Kama. You heard correctly, she has been with us for a while now. Who shall I say is here for her?"

  "My name is Lorrine."

  The words had to fight themselves past a writhing ball of heart in Lorrine's throat. She was here, Kama was here, and soon she'd have to face that beautiful woman and explain why she'd been such a horrible, rotten person. . . and most likely, deal with a well-deserved rejection. Who was she, really, to just come tittuping back in here and expect things to go back to normal?

  "Oh," the woman said, face gone abruptly blank. "Oh, my! Well. Wait here, Lorrine. I will go inform Kama of your arrival."

  Lorrine watched her get up, and ordinary looking woman in a plain yellow day dress. What made her react like that? If Kama had told these people to keep watch for Lorrine, was that a good thing or a bad thing? And what in the world had possessed her to come here without bothering to clean up first? She dragged her fingers through her long hair, grimacing as they caught in little knots. It'd been a windy day, of course she was tangled.

  Lorrine gave herself a small shake and ordered herself to quit panicking. She spotted a wooden bench opposite the desk and dropped her pack on it. Her hands shook as she dug out her comb. But she still managed to comb the knots out of her hair before the receptionist returned.

  Alone.

  The disappointment was so strong Lorrine swayed a bit, as a wave of dizziness swept over her.

  "Kama is in the middle of a class right now, Lorrine," the receptionist said, and her tone held a bit more warmth now. Lorrine seized desperately on that tiny indicator as a positive sign. "But when she is done, she will come see you. Please, come with me. You look like you've been traveling. Have you eaten? No? Then we will stop by the kitchens, on the way to the garden."

  Apology

  Kama arrived after Lorrine had finished her meal and prowled the garden restlessly. For a brief moment, Lorrine had no idea who the stately, poised woman in the oddly cut dress could be. Then she recognized Kama.

  "Kama? What did you do to your hair!"

  Kama raised a hand and patted her shoulder-length locks. "I cut it. Hello, Lorrine."

  The world fell away, most especially the ground under her feet. Daydreams and memories had nothing on the reality of seeing the living, breathing woman in front of her.

  She looke
d. . . different. A bit slimmer, with. . . were those really freckles? Kama? She never allowed the sun to hit her bare skin. No hair. A very strange cut to her dress, which clung to her body in a way that thoroughly distracted Lorrine. Not to mention the dress itself was scandalously short, ending as it did on an an uneven hemline where the shortest part almost showed her knees and the longest part brushed the back of her calves.

  "Well, Lorrine? Did you wish to speak to me, or have you returned to my life simply to stare at my legs?"

  "My apologies, Kama," Lorrine said, and wondered at herself. What a ridiculous reaction. When was the last time she'd been speechless? "I was merely taking in all the ways in which you've changed."

  "Not hardly, you weren't," Kama said, with a slight toss of her short hair. "My physical appearance has not changed anywhere near as much as what I keep inside. It's been two annums, Lorrine."

  "What? Impossible! How could it be two annums? I just left. . . I don't even know when I left. But it couldn't have been two annums."

  Somehow, without visibly changing her smooth expression, Kama looked angry. Very angry. "Yes, Lorrine. Two annums. And a lot has happened in that time, much of it not pleasant, none of which would have happened had you not done what you did."

  "I'm sorry," Lorrine whispered, still trying to add up time in her head to come up with two annums. She wasn't entirely certain how long she'd been with Derfek. They'd ridden the southwestern part of the continent, where seasons blended one into the other with little variation. Even here in Eirian, only the type of storms marked seasonal change, so perhaps she had a valid excuse for letting time get away from her. "Kama, I'm so sorry. I was a fool. I hurt you, and that is unforgivable. And worse, I did it on purpose, because I was afraid of the feelings I had for you."

  "What's this? An apology? Now I know this can't be real. Perhaps I should just wake up, end this dream now."

  Her body language still all but shouted anger. The tone of her voice was sharp and biting, utterly unlike Kama's usual gentle tones. But something in her eyes made Lorrine feel like maybe this encounter might be salvaged. So she drew herself upright, shaking off the dreadful weight of her guilt and taking advantage of her extra inches of height. It helped to feel tall and strong, rather than like a stepped on puppy.

  "Yes, I apologize. I have long regretted my own actions. I came to realize what a fool I'd been, in so many ways. I know it is no true reason, but I wished to tell you what motivated me to run off with Derfek. It was a spell, Kama, a controlling spell built right into the amulet he wore at all times. He used it to cloud the minds of women and assure that they thought of no one and no thing other than him. That doesn't excuse my behavior that night, when I was so frightened of kissing you," and wasn't that hard to say out loud! "But perhaps knowing that it wasn't entirely my fault will make you willing to speak to me again in the future."

  Kama looked at her for the space of three agonized heartbeats, then turned abruptly and walked down the narrow path of white rock. Lorrine watched her uncertainly. Not leaving, merely moving deeper into the courtyard garden. Maybe. . . Lorrine followed, so off-balance that she clutched at her crystal, wincing a bit as the gesture reminded her of Derfek.

  "I came here a lot, at first," Kama said, pausing to touch a frilly pink and white bloom. "When the world seemed nothing but an empty wasteland, and I missed you more than I would miss a part of my body. It hurt, Lorrine, but I survived. I have found other things to fill my life with. Skills. Responsibilities. People that don't hurt me. A lovely companion who does not panic and run when we kiss."

  Lorrine's heart sank. That's it, then. Damn.

  "Good," she said, only her fierce grip on Biao Tanu's crystal holding her voice steady. After all, she had something of a life outside Kama, as well. She saw some sort of disturbance off to the side, some movement, but ignored it in favor of her own personal disturbance. "I am happy for you. Then I will deliver the message meant for you and be on my way."

  Kama looked at her sharply. "Message? What message? And by the gods, Lorrine, when did you, of all people, become a paladin?"

  "What?" Lorrine cocked her head quizzically. "What makes you say that? I'm no paladin! Paladins are pure myth. Nobody's a paladin."

  "You're glowing. You're holding a gem that's blazing with pure divine energy. And you bear the mark of an ancient goddess, one unfamiliar to me, but powerful all the same. That sounds like a paladin to me."

  "I'm no paladin," Lorrine insisted, although she wondered. Paladins were mythical people chosen by gods to do their works out in the world. They only existed in tales. No one had ever seen a real live paladin. But hadn't she made precisely that same agreement with Biao Tanu? To do her work in the world, in exchange for protection from evil and spells? "The whole notion is ridiculous. Paladins are noble. I'm just. . . I'm just me. I mean, yes, maybe I did make an agreement with a goddess, and maybe I do glow sometimes, but that doesn't make me a paladin. Anyway, that's neither here nor there."

  "Fine. Deny the obvious, yet again. Very like you, Lorrine. You mentioned a message?"

  "Yes. In my travels, I ran across. . . I don't even know how to describe it."

  Suddenly, Lorrine was there again, in the miserably cold rain, pounding the aged door open with her dagger.

  "I sought shelter from a storm in an old ruin of some sort. I never did explore it, so I don't really know what kind of place it was, but it kept me out of the rain. And in the night, some strange shadow-beings woke me up and demanded I find you and tell you that they are waiting for you."

  "What?"

  "They are waiting for you," Lorrine repeated. "These shadows called you their Golden Lyrebird and laid a geas on me, demanding I go fetch you to them. The geas nearly ran me into the ground before the power of Biao Tanu broke me free of it. But even without the magical compulsion, I have come to relay the message. There are shadow beings waiting for you in an underground pit, way up north."

  "Biao Tanu?" Kama's eyes widened. "Sweet gods, Lorrine, you never make things easy! The Mother certainly isn't going to like this, not one bit!"

  "Rest easy, Kama," a new voice said. "You, of all people, should understand that I am fully capable of controlling myself when it comes to the ancient enemies of the First Goddess."

  Lorrine could scarcely believe her eyes. The voice came from a woman wrapped from head to toe in a heavy mass of grey fabric. True, she hadn't been born here, but even a new arrival to Eirian learned quickly that seeing a woman shrouded like that had huge significance. Although the followers of the First Goddess were often harrassed and ridiculed for some of their beliefs, not one person could deny the sheer power the First afforded her favored followers.

  "Sorry, Mother," Kama replied, recomposing her face and voice. "The arrival of my former friend has put me off kilter."

  Lorrine winced at the words former friend.

  "Still, you should know better than to assume I would prejudge a guest, and also to think I would not feel such a distinctive presence here in my own home. Now, introduce me to your visitor."

  "This is Lorrine, Mother."

  "A servant of Biao Tanu." The Shrouded One stepped closer, peering at Lorrine from beneath her wrappings. "Yes, indeed, you bear her mark. I will tell you right now, paladin, there is an ancient grievance between my goddess and yours. But you are a mere paladin, and no party to the disagreement. Be welcome here, as long as you bring no harm to any who dwell in this place."

  "Thank you, Shrouded One," Lorrined said, bowing her head humbly. The priestess had called her a paladin, too. Was she a paladin? No. She had no sword skills, damn it! How could she be a paladin?

  "Now. These shadow-beings of yours, what did they look like?"

  "I can't say, Shrouded One. I never actually saw them clearly."

  "They spoke? One at a time, or as a group?"

  "A group," Lorrine replied, with a secret shiver sliding down her back at the memory of their massed, whispery voices. "All at once, like many voices shared
the same mind."

  "Ashantri, perhaps. A form of mage familiar that forms colonies and bonds with groups, rather than individuals." The sharp blue eyes turned to Kama. "This may explain a lot, child. Perhaps you should go meet these shadow-beings, determine whether they are the source of your imbalance." Then she returned her power-filled gaze to Lorrine. "Describe the entrance of the place you found."

  "It was many days' travel by foot to the north. The surrounding lands were mostly low, rolling hills, with knee-high grasses and compact, scrubby trees. The door itself was down in a kind of artificial grotto, shaped like a V, with the door at the point."

  "And the door itself. Was it green, and made of iron? With a strong bar to hold it shut?"

  "I don't know if it was green or not, as the light was bad. But it could have been. And yes, it was made of iron, and a bar lay on the ground before it."

  "Unbarred, then." The Shrouded One tugged at her robe with a gloved hand, thinking, then turned back to Kama. "I begin to see where your ancestors may have come from. Had the door remained barred, you would likely not be here today. This paladin of yours has described in near-perfect detail the entrance to the underground prison and homeland of the Lake People."

  Kama's eyes widened, and her cheeks developed spots of color. She ignored the reference to Lorrine as hers. "Mother! Do you suggest I go to this strange place and meet these shadow-beings? After all the times you've said my people were evil?"

  Lorrine kept her confusion to herself. Kama's people were a mystery to her, as they'd never once discussed their past lives once they'd firmly established that Kama had come from a Bad Situation and didn't want to talk about it. But she'd swear by her crystal's glow that there was nothing evil about Kama.

  "This may be a good thing, Kama," the Shrouded One nodded. "I think, perhaps, what has held back your development and ability to learn is the lack of these beings, which could easily become your familiar and bring your skills to the next level."

  "But—but—I don't want a bunch of nasty shadows following me around!"

  "Remember, dear, most familiars simply reflect the temperament of those they bond to. These ashantri would not be evil at all, were they to come in contact with your soul."